Slugging It Out

Chapter 12 - Exile

For a couple of weeks after Black's 'prank', the four Gryffindors seemed more subdued than normal, although that might have just been the exams. But Severus soon saw signs that their usual cocky attitude was returning. Severus' hot rage subsided to a corrosive resentment that bubbled inside him, unable to be released. It wasn't just the incident itself, but the realisation that there was no justice for the likes of him against the likes of them.

His anger with the Gryffindors even coloured his feelings towards Lily. Both stressed about the exams, they rarely met up, and did nothing but bicker when they did. Mulciber and Avery had played an admittedly cruel trick on Lily's friend Mary, and Lily used it as another opportunity to grumble about Severus' friendship with them. He was further incensed to hear from her that Potter had boasted about having saved Severus' life - despite the ban on Severus himself speaking out about it.

To make matters worse, he no longer dared to sneak in and out of Hogwarts with contraband. He couldn't be sure how much Dumbledore might have seen in his mind, and the increased security around the school was making it too risky. He wrote cryptically to Lucius, full of genuine regret, and received a terse reply. It simply said, 'Understood. With thanks. L.'

Their penultimate OWL was Defence Against the Dark Arts. After the exam he joined the general throng as they left the hall. He cast his eavesdropping spell on the Gryffindors, more from habit than because he had any hope of hearing something incriminating. He listened to the werewolf joking about his condition and focussed hard on re-reading his exam paper to stop himself hexing them. He could have structured his answer on counter-curses better, he thought. He'd let himself get sidetracked on blocking spells and wasted valuable time when he could have been picking up extra marks for his knowledge of type three Reversing Incantations. He deducted five marks from his mental score.

Without even noticing he'd allowed himself to move with the crowd into the grounds. The sun beat down, painful to his eyes. He was aware of Lily a little way ahead, chattering with her friends as they sprawled by the lake edge. Settling himself on the grass not far from her in the shade of a bush, he wondered if he could get any time with her later on that day. Perhaps he could persuade her to walk around the lake with him. With exams almost over, she might be more relaxed. They could talk and joke like they used to, put the pointless arguments of the past few months behind them.

But Lily never so much as glanced in his direction, absorbed with her friends. He watched them out of the corner of his eye, resenting their easy relationship with Lily. He was glad the Mulciber had played that trick on Mary. She'd deserved it - wearing Muggle clothes at Hogwarts made you fair game. You might as well go around with a sign saying 'hex me' attached to your back. Rather as Severus had the previous year, thanks to Potter and his stupid friends.

By his calculation, he should have scored an Outstanding, even if he marked himself harshly. Satisfied, he stowed the exam paper away in his bag, and with a last glance at Lily, got up to leave. She wasn't going to pay him any attention any time soon. Maybe he'd send a message to her at lunch. If she wouldn't go for a walk, she might consent to some revision together for Transfiguration.

'All right, Snivellus?' Lost in his thoughts about Lily and his worrying about the exam, he hadn't noticed that Potter and his gang had also stuck around nearby. His reactions, honed by years of self-defence, were fast and he grabbed his wand, only to see it fly out of his hand as Potter disarmed him. Throwing himself after it, an impediment jinx caught him, knocking him sideways and onto the ground. Damning his stupidity in letting his guard down, he lay in the grass, struggling against the jinx. Potter had improved at them - he must have been practising for his OWL.

'How'd the exam go, Snivelly?' asked Potter's voice, from somewhere above his head. He spoke casually. Clearly he was going to make the most of dragging this out.

'I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,' said Black, to the left of Potter. 'There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word.' Hardly his most witty of taunts, but the very fact that he even dared, when just a few weeks earlier he'd almost committed murder... clearly any repentance Black had felt had long since stopped troubling his conscience.

The two Gryffindors had come into view now, standing over him. He looked up at them, helpless, and a tide of red hot rage swelled inside him. 'You wait!' he panted, barely coherent. 'You wait!'

'Wait for what? What're you going to do, Snivellus, wipe your nose on us?' Potter sounded amused, a nasty little smile playing on his smug lips. And of course, he was right, wasn't he? What could Severus do against Potter and Black, when the pair could literally get away with attempted murder? He swore fluently at them, mixing in a desperate string of hexes in the hope he might be angry enough to make something work without his wand.

'Wash your mouth out. Scourgify!' Immediately a mass of foul tasting bubbles filled his mouth, making him gag, rushing up his nose in a painful stream that burned his sinuses.

'Leave him alone!' shouted a familiar voice. Lily. His heart sank further. That was all he needed. He wanted Lily as far away as possible from Potter and Black, even if her interaction with them was in his defence. Coughing on the soap, he managed to draw a couple of breaths, and realised to his satisfaction that the impediment jinx was wearing off. Taking advantage of Potter's distraction with Lily, he began to edge towards his wand, trying not to attract attention. His mind was bubbling over with the curses he'd use.

He heard Lily telling Potter she'd rather go out with the giant squid than him, something which made him smile to himself. He was nearly there now, and made a last dive, grabbing his wand. He rounded on Potter, even as Black yelled a warning. No time to think, he went for a simple cutting curse, and to his satisfaction a gash appeared on Potter's smug face, spattering his robes with blood. Before he could strike again, Potter flicked his wand, and Severus was whisked into the air, upside down.

Even as it happened he knew the spell. Levicorpus. His very own invention, that he'd worked on and practised day after day. A cold spread over him and his heart felt as though it had dropped several inches, which had nothing to do with the fact he was upside down. Only one person had known the non-verbal spell except him. The one person in the world that he'd thought he could trust. How could she have betrayed him, and to Potter of all people? He felt terribly sick, a rush of saliva filling his mouth.

He crashed to the ground a moment later, and he scrambled to his feet, heart pounding so hard that he could hardly hear through the swooshing blood, hardly see for the spots dancing before his eyes. Wand up, he almost managed to get in another curse, but Black knocked him over again with a full body bind. Dizzied from so much crashing around, Severus heard Lily shouting at Potter, threatening him. He knew she would be feeling guilty about having told Potter the spell. Talk about overcompensating.

When the body bind lifted, he got to his feet again. Lily was standing there, wand out, and through the haze of his anger and disappointment, he heard Potter say, 'You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus.'

At that instant, he wanted nothing more than to hurt Lily, to hurt her like she'd hurt him. He saw her as though for the first time. A pretty, self-confident girl, with a bright future ahead of her, surrounded by friends that she'd made as easily as she drew breath. Arguing with Potter with just a little bit too much enjoyment. She'd taken the one thing he had left, the thing he'd trusted her to keep secret, that he'd taught her to protect herself, and passed it on to his enemy. Taking a deep breath, he shouted, 'I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!'

The look on her face was worth it, for all of two seconds. He was angry enough to be pleased that she was shocked, pleased that she was stung by his words. But then she spoke, and there was a cold finality in her words that chilled him. 'Fine. I won't bother in future. And I'd wash my pants if I were you, Snivellus.'

Potter began shouting at him to apologise, and then arguing with Lily, but Severus barely heard the words. He was reeling with horror, sickened by adrenaline and guilt and a mess of emotions. He felt nothing when Potter turned him upside down again. He was vaguely aware of laughing from the crowd, some sort of joking about his pants, nothing he cared about. A few minutes later he was unceremoniously dumped down again as everyone lost interest and went inside for lunch.

He lay on the ground, his robes tangled around him, listening to his ragged breathing. His eyes were full of tears. How could this have happened? He kept replaying the scene over and over again, sickened by his words. He'd called her a mudblood. But she'd betrayed him! She'd never forgive him this time. But she deserved it. What she'd done was worse. Wasn't it?

He crawled back into the shadows of the bush he'd sat beside earlier, and began to cry. He sobbed as he'd never sobbed before, hysterically, unable to catch his breath. He cried for the fact he'd loved Lily so hard, and yet never had the opportunity to prove his feelings. He cried for his friend having been taken away from him, put into Gryffindor, the odds stacked against them. He cried for the innocent youth who'd told her his own precious spell, believing she would never tell. He cried for the plans he'd made for the summer, for them both, that would now come to nothing.

The afternoon passed in a blur. He should have been revising, but how could he think about his exams? How could he think about anything? Eventually he roused himself, and made his way numbly towards Gryffindor tower. He had to talk to Lily. Plead with her, beg her forgiveness. She'd forgive him, wouldn't she?

The portrait that guarded the entrance to the Gryffindor quarters regarded him with a look of deepest contempt as he stood wretchedly, waiting for Lily to come by. He managed to hide when Potter and Black passed through, all smiles and jokes again. Did nothing ever ruffle them? They knew nothing of the pain that they had caused. Finally, he saw someone he recognised; Lily's friend Mary. He stepped out quickly in front of her, holding up his hands to show he was unarmed. She pulled back, eyeing him warily.

'What do you want?' she asked. 'I thought you'd have done enough damage for today, you vile Slytherin bloodist. Lily's devastated.'

'I'm sorry,' he said quickly. 'I didn't mean it - I was angry. Listen, Mary, can I speak to her? Please? I want to apologise to her.'

Mary shook her head immediately. 'No way, she doesn't want to hear it. All the times she's stood up for you! Gone on about what a nice person you are really! We tried to tell her what a nasty little sneak you are, but she wouldn't listen, and now she's had to find out like this!'

'At least let me say sorry to her face. Please. We've been friends for years, Mary. I owe her that much. Don't you think Lily deserves to hear me say sorry?' He saw her wavering, considering his words, and pressed home his advantage. 'She can't avoid me forever. I have to say my piece. Just let me say it, and then if she wants, I'll leave her alone. I won't go until I've seen her. I'll stay here for as long as it takes. I'll even sleep out here, if I have to.'

Finally Mary gave a big sigh. 'Look, I'll tell her, all right? I'll tell her, but it's up to Lily! I'm not going to make her come out here. And I think you're vile. You and your horrible Slytherin friends. I hope you do lose Lily's friendship. Maybe that will teach you a lesson for being such a horrible, prejudiced bastard. You really, really don't deserve a friend like her, and you never did.' She pushed past him, whispered the password to the portrait so he couldn't hear, and disappeared into the common room, dragging the entrance shut behind her as though he might follow.

He waited for a long time. It was dark now, late, and he began to think he'd have to be true to his word and sleep there. He knew he would, if that's what it took. Maybe it would help, show how earnest he was. When the portrait opened again, he jumped, heart leaping. His mouth went dry when he saw it was Lily. She was wearing a dressing gown, and her eyes were red.

Shaking violently, he moved convulsively towards her. 'Lily! Oh Lily, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean it! I swear.'

She stared at him as though she'd never seen him. Her lip trembled slightly, but she folded her arms across her chest and stuck out her chin determinedly.

'I'm sorry,' he said again, faltering in her steely gaze.

'I'm not interested,' she said quietly, and he saw the hurt in her eyes.

'I'm sorry!' he repeated, louder. He didn't know what else to say.

'Save your breath. I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.' Her beautiful face was cold.

'I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you mudblood, it just...'

'Slipped out?' she asked, sounding more bitter than he'd ever heard her. 'It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends - you see! You don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?'

He didn't know what to say. He opened his mouth, not sure if he should deny it, or ignore it, or just let her vent her anger. Of course she was right, and she knew it.

She went on. 'I can't pretend any more. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.'

Desperate, he tried to make her listen, to see sense. 'No, listen! I didn't mean...'

'To call me mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?'

How could he answer that question without revealing things that he wasn't sure he wanted to reveal, didn't think it was the time or place to reveal? He wanted to bring up her betrayal, her telling Potter of his spell, but he knew it wouldn't help.

He'd hesitated too long. She turned on her heel, and climbed back through the portrait hole, which swung shut behind her with an awful finality.

Staring at the portrait he finally managed to whisper the answer he hadn't been able to articulate to her face. 'Because I love you.'

But it was all too late.

*****

The holiday was the worst he'd ever spent. He spent long hours staking out Lily's house, in the hope of catching even the smallest glimpse, but she didn't seem to be around much. He was desperately lonely and sorry for himself. It was a hot, airless summer and when he'd given up on seeing Lily, he retreated to his bedroom. He lay on his back, listening to his parents argue, shooting down the flies that flew in and out. It was a risk, using magic in such a Muggle neighbourhood, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He wasn't sure how he would survive through two more years of school anyway. Perhaps he should just cut his losses and get out.

He'd have his OWLs, and would come of age in January, so he might be able to get a job. And Lily was right; sooner or later he knew he'd join the Death Eaters. How else was he going to make anything of himself? He'd join up, and then he'd teach stupid Potter and his friends a proper lesson! Then when the Death Eaters had won, he would return to Lily, and she would see him in a new light. He had had enough of feeling weak and powerless, enough of being a victim. The Death Eaters presented the best way he knew to turn the tables of his life, to rectify the wrongs that had been done him.

His father was out of work again, and money was tight. One morning Eileen nervously approached her husband. He was sitting in his armchair, nursing a bottle. The pubs weren't yet open, but Tobias started early. 'Tobias?' she asked quietly. 'Have you any cash? We're outta bread.'

Severus, who was just coming down the stairs, stopped and watched through the doorway. Tobias turned to his wife, his watery eyes reddened by drink. 'Thash all you ever want, woman, money. You think I'm made'a money? Think it grows on trees? Well, it might in your fancy magic world but round here in the real word, it don't! Why don't you go magic some money, if you want it?'

'Magic don't work like that,' she said, cringing back from his stare. 'If it did, you think I'd live like this?'

Tobias' eyes narrowed. 'Oh, thish ain't good enough for you, is it, Eileen? Not fancy enough for you? Well, I'm shorry that I can't provide a wonderful magic world for you.' He waved a hand drunkenly to indicate the room. 'Maybe you should run off with one of your wizard boyfriends!'

'I don't have any wizard boyfriends!' retorted Eileen, her voice rising with her temper. 'If I 'ad a wizard boyfriend I would't still be here, that's for sure!'

Tobias was on his feet in an instant, his hand making contact with his wife's face before she could step back. The sharp slap of flesh against flesh and her intake of breath were followed by a roar of anger from him. 'You knew what you were marrying, you stuck up cow! Now I'm saddled with a useless bitch of a wife and a little weirdo of a son. Think I'm 'appy? You've 'eld me back for years, with your strange ways and bloody stupidity!' He drove forwards, landing more blows on her body, pushing her back into the kitchen.

The usual cold horror flooded through Severus. Why was it that whenever his parents fought, he was reduced back to the level of a small child, feeling helpless and sick with fear, not knowing what to do? The almost overwhelming instinct was to run back to his bedroom and hide, push his head under the pillow and pretend it wasn't happening. But he couldn't move. He stood rooted to the spot, as though witnessing it would somehow make it stop.

'You've ruined my life, with your moaning and your carping and your constant demands for money! You sent that freak off to his fancy magic school, cost me a fortune in train fares and wizard clothes and stupid books! Couldn't just go to the local comp like a normal boy! Oh no, not Eileen Prince's son!'

He could hear his mother's grunts and sobs as her husband pummelled her. Something inside him seemed to snap. He began to move down the stairs, as though sleepwalking. In the living room, he looked around, his eyes alighting on the bottles next to his father's chair. He picked one up, feeling the smooth cold glass swell against his palm, hefting the weight. Tobias had pushed Eileen right into the kitchen, and she was now sprawled across the kitchen table, his father pulling at her clothes. Severus knew what happened next, and he couldn't take it anymore.

As he stepped up behind his father, his mother's eyes widened as they caught the movement. The bottle swung round and hit the side of Tobias' head with a satisfying thunk. Thrown off balance, Severus stumbled into him, knocking him to the ground. The bottle, cracked down its length, gushed alcohol. The liquid felt cold and sticky. Tobias made a loud 'ooof' sound as he struck the floor, the air forced out of his lungs, and then lay still.

There was a silence, a frozen moment when no one moved or breathed. Then Severus looked at Eileen, who was staring at him open mouthed. 'What have you done?' she breathed. 'What have you done?!' she asked again louder. She pushed him aside and fell to her knees next to her husband, touching Tobias' face and attempting to feel for a pulse.

'Leave him,' said Severus, looking down at her. 'Mam. Leave him. Come on. Now, get your things! We can go, while he's out cold. This is our chance.'

She looked up at him, her face anguished. 'Go? Go where? You daft beggar, where d'you think we're going to go to?'

He racked his brains. 'Diagon Alley, we'll go there. We'll go back to the wizard world. Leave him here, with the Muggles. Come on, before he wakes up.'

But Eileen remained where she was, staring from her agitated son to her unconscious husband. 'And leave him on his own?' she asked. 'He might be really hurt.'

'Good! Let's hope so, it will give us more time to get away.' He grabbed her thin, veined hands and forced her to look at him, trying to jerk her out of her shock and inertia. 'Come on, mother, this is it! This our chance. He's made us miserable for years. Now we can change that. They'll never find us, in the wizard world. We can leave all this behind, we can start again, be happy!'

'Start again!' she barked. 'What do you know about starting again? You silly boy, all that might be well and good for teenagers, but it's not for the likes of me. Down here in the real world, Severus, people don't just up and leave. They don't start again. They don't go running round trying to be happy.' She spoke the last word with a flat bitterness. 'They muddle by as best they can, until their stupid flighty son gets some crackpot idea in his head and goes and ruins everything!'

'Ruins everything? Ruined what, exactly? It can't get much worse, Mam! Come on, we can't stay here now. If he wakes up, he'll kill us. If he doesn't wake up... well, the police'll be after us.'

She looked back at her husband, and eventually spoke again, in a painful voice. 'No. It's you they'll be after, you he'll be angry with. I never did anything. I've never raised my hand to him once, not in all the years he's beaten me.' She looked up at him again, her eyes defiant, sounding oddly proud. 'I've always stood by him. It hasn't been easy, but I made my choice.'

'You can't... you can't mean to stay?' He took a step back in disbelief.

'I made my choice,' she said again, getting to her feet. 'I'm sorry Severus. It's not been a happy place for you. I know I ain't been the best mother, but Merlin knows I did me best. You want to go off and be a wizard, just like when I was your age I wanted to go off and be a Muggle. You don't want to stay here.' She glanced down at Tobias again. 'You can't stay here, not now. You go, go now whilst he's still out cold. Get your stuff.'

'No,' he breathed, looking again at his father. He could see the man's chest rising and falling. 'He's only unconscious, when he wakes up... no Mam!'

'It's the best way.' She pushed him back. 'You don't understand, Severus, you're young and hot headed, just like he was. Don't look at me like that - you're his son, like it or not! I can't go back to the wizard world now. I weren't happy in it as a girl, and now I've been out of it too long. I'd only have you for company, and you'll want your own life. My parents and friends turned their backs on me when I married your Dad. I ain't going back now with my tail between my legs.'

'You're staying here because you're too proud - too stubborn - to admit you made a mistake marrying him?' he asked in disbelief.

'I'm staying here because I made a choice and I'm going to follow it through. Go - get your stuff and go. Go to your Diagon Alley or wherever. Get away from here.' Suddenly her eyes were bright with tears.

Severus felt his own eyes well up in response, and he tried to blink them away. He reached out and tried to hug her, but she pushed him away, wiping her own face. 'Please, Severus, don't make this any harder than it already is! Go!'

Feeling sick with shock at this dramatic turn of events, he ran from the room. He began to climb the stairs softly from instinct, trying not to alert Tobias to his presence, then remembered and banged the rest of the way. In his room, he threw his possessions into his trunk, which he then dragged down the stairs, bumping the wallpaper. At the bottom he realised he hadn't taken a last look at his room, then wondered why that seemed so important. Eileen was waiting for him. 'Go, quickly, he's stirring.' She pressed a small amount of money into his hands. 'It's all I've got,' she said, then quickly kissed his cheek. 'Be careful, Severus. Just remember, the big dreams you have as a kid aren't always all they're cracked up to be.'

'Mam, you can still come with me,' he pleaded, but she shook her head and stepped back firmly. 'My place is here. Don't worry. He's not as bad when you're not around. Go on.'

With a heavy heart, and dragging his even heavier trunk, he left the house in which he'd grown up. His mother waited on the doorstep, the door open just a crack, watching his slow progress down the front path and onto the road. He looked back at the corner, and she was still there, a thin strip of sallow face visible. She raised a hand and opened her mouth as though to call, then shut it again. Then she pushed the door closed.