Slugging It Out

Chapter 3 - The Deal

The final straw for Severus came shortly after the first flying lesson. He'd passed a miserable two days, enduring the sniggers of the other first years, led by Potter and Black. He determinedly ignored Lily, refusing to look at her, although it was a torture to him. The harder he tried to pretend she didn't exist, the more she filled his every waking thought. He felt sick from spending all day in a state of tension, ready to flee at the first sign of Lily, Potter or Black.

As a result, he barely ate anything. Once or twice at meals, he caught Lucius Malfoy looking at him, which only made him feel more nervous and less hungry. However he piled up his plate in the hope that this would be enough to satisfy the prefect. He began to feel cold and headachey, and wondered if Lucius had been right about him making himself ill. He longed to escape.

But it was a disastrous Potions lesson that made up his mind. Potions was one of his better subjects, and more importantly, Potter and Black did not seem to share his aptitude. He sat next to Lily, although he was still hardly talking to her. She kept looking at him sidelong when she thought he wasn't looking. But Severus was always looking, out of the corner of his eye. Whenever Slughorn made a joke, she gave an extra big smile and a sort of effortful laugh, looking at him as though willing him to join in.

The more he ignored her, the harder and worse it felt, but the longer it went on, the less able he felt to make it up to her. He took out his anger on his asphodel, pounding it so thoroughly with his pestle and mortar that it was reduced to virtually its compound elements. They were supposed to be making a Burn-Cooling Paste, and he forced himself to focus slavishly on the instructions, the better to ignore Lily beside him. As a result, his potion was progressing well, unlike the rest of the class. He heard James Potter swear and Sirius Black snigger. 'I don't think it's meant to be that colour, mate.'

Severus stirred his potion carefully, adding the powdered asphodel bit by bit. It was thickening up nicely. Next to him, Lily's had developed lumps. He felt a thrill of anticipation that he might best even her this time. Judging by the bad smell now coming from behind them, the Gryffindor boys were failing spectacularly. Slughorn bustled past him as he added the final pinch of asphodel to his near-perfect paste.

'Oh dear, Porter. You weren't paying attention when I told you to add the nettle juice a little at a time, were you? Next time, spend a bit more time listening and a bit less whispering to Black here. I don't talk for the good of my health you know. And as for you Sirius, you can do much better than this! Just because you aren't in my house, doesn't mean I can't take an interest in you! After all, your relatives number among my very best students...'

Severus switched off from the rest of Slughorn's lengthy anecdote about Black's family. He went on in a similar vein every lesson. Lily whispered, 'Yours is looking really good, Sev.' He exchanged a quick look with her before he remembered that he was angry with her, and looked away again frowning.

Behind them, Slughorn had finished with Potter's gang and thankfully removed the foul smelling potion. The Professor lumbered forwards to their desk. 'Now, Miss Evans, let me see.' He ladled up some of her potion and examined it closely. 'Not bad at all for a first attempt, though the consistency isn't quite right. You need to add the asphodel more slowly, and stir very thoroughly. Good work though.'

Severus gazed at Slughorn as he approached. He felt as though he would burst. His perfectly brewed paste, the only one in the classroom, sat in his cauldron in front of him. Suddenly he felt that perhaps he would forgive Lily after all. Slughorn stood over the desk and looked down. Severus' eyes remained fixed on his face, waiting for the look of surprise, the declaration of approval.

Slughorn's moustache twitched. 'Whatever has happened here? What a frightful mess! Do clear it up, Septimus. It looks like you need to get your parents to buy you another cauldron before the next class.' He moved on without another glance.

Frozen with horror, it took Severus a long moment before he could bring himself to look down. His cauldron, old and rusty to start with, had finally broken. The bottom had fallen away, and his perfect burn-cooling paste was reduced to charcoal by the naked flames. Swearing, he saw at once that the cauldron was beyond repair. Next to him, he could hear Lily exclaiming sympathetically, whilst raucous laughter from the desks behind indicated Potter and company had witnessed the whole thing.

'Maybe the caretaker, Mr Filch, could fix it?' Lily was saying anxiously. He saw on her face that she knew he wouldn't be able to afford another one.

'Filch is an evil old git,' he muttered dismissively, all his old anger with her returning. Why did she have to be so nice and naïve? If only Slughorn hadn't gone to her first, he might have seen the potion before the cauldron broke. 'He won't help. I might as well throw this bit of junk,' he angrily slammed the cauldron off the fire, 'straight in the bin.'

'The gamekeeper then! He seems nice, I bet he'd help!' She was trying to catch his eye, but he didn't want to be pacified.

'We're not asking anyone for help, just leave it, Lily,' he muttered as the bell went. 'Stupid thing's completely screwed up, there's no point. You can go and have a good laugh with your friends about that too.' He grabbed his bag and stormed towards the door.

He was followed by a mocking chorus from Potter and his friends. 'Hey Septimus, d'you want me to ask my house-elf if he'll fix your cauldron for you?' called Black. 'He's ever so nice you know!'

As he left the room, he heard Lily's piping voice, shrill and indignant. 'Shut up Black, you're a pathetic bully! Your parents might have bought you a fancy cauldron but even that can't make up for the idiot using it!'

Severus didn't hear if Black had a come-back to that, as he made his way angrily back to his dormitory. He forced the broken remains of the cauldron into the bin. It wouldn't fit, and sat on top. It looked ridiculous. He slumped back on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was going to miss Astronomy theory, but he didn't care. In fact, he didn't care about any of his lessons. He couldn't go back to Potions without a cauldron, and he certainly didn't have any money to buy a new one. How long before the rest of his miserable shabby possessions followed suit?

He lay for a long while, listening to his breathing returning to normal, his heart beating steadily in his chest. He began to imagine a world without him. He could get up right now, walk out of the school and never return. He thought of the purple mountains that stood on the horizon, soft and misty and magical. They seemed to represent another world. He imagined finding his way into those mountains, finding a cave, somewhere no one would find him.

Would anyone even look? He wasn't sure. He imagined the world forgetting about Severus Snape. Perhaps he would spend years in the mountains, teaching himself magic. He would practice and practice, inventing his own spells, until he was the most powerful wizard of all. Then he would return to the world, grown-up and handsome and skilful, and teach them all a lesson. He would dazzle the world with his brilliance, and laugh at the look on the faces of Professor Slughorn and Potter and Black. And then he'd go to Lily, and she would be speechless with astonishment, and beg him to be her friend again.

In fact the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like the obvious - the only - thing to do. He would run away from Hogwarts, and his problems, and strike out on his own. He would go that very night. Feeling a bit better, he rolled onto his side and closed his eyes. All he had to do was wait.

*****

Severus awoke at midnight. It was dark in the dormitory and the air had that stuffy, heavy feeling of a room full of sleeping people. After listening for a minute, he got up and dressed in his robes and cloak. Moving as quietly as he could, he emptied his schoolbag and went through his meagre possessions. He selected his least threadbare pairs of underpants and socks, took the candle from his bedside table, and after some thought placed the Standard Book of Spells Grade 1 and One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi back inside his bag along with the underwear and candle. He added his hairbrush and toothbrush, and his box of potions ingredients, and then slung the bag over his shoulder. His wand he kept in his hand.

He looked around the little room and tried to feel some remorse at leaving it. But he felt nothing. It was just a place. Maybe he didn't believe in his heart of hearts that he'd never return again. So he left, and made his way down the dark corridor. Snores came from some dormitories, and soft voices from another. Then he was in the common room, which was deserted. The fire had burned down low and the room was full of shadows.

He'd made it all the way to the exit, when it opened in front of him and someone stepped through, almost colliding with him. 'Oh! Sorry, I... where are you going?' It was Lucius Malfoy, looking at him with his grey eyes narrowed suspiciously. 'What are you doing up this late? Don't you know it's past curfew?'

Cursing his bad luck, Severus didn't know what to say. 'You're out past curfew then,' he said finally.

'I'm a prefect,' said Malfoy coldly. 'You, however, are a first year. You should be in bed with lights out by ten o'clock, never mind wandering around the common room at quarter past twelve. And certainly not heading out into the castle. What are you doing?'

'Nothing,' he muttered sullenly. 'I didn't realise it was this late.'

Malfoy raised one eyebrow, which looked so cool Severus longed to ask him how he did it. 'You must think I was born yesterday. What's going on? Did one of the older boys put you up to this?'

'No!' he protested, irritated at the assumption he couldn't have decided to be up after curfew on his own volition. His brain was in overdrive trying to think of a lie. 'I... I realised one of my library books was overdue. And I was really worried about it. I couldn't sleep. So I thought I'd try and take it back.' He stared at Lucius, wondering if the prefect would believe him.

Malfoy made a disbelieving noise. 'Well then, let's see inside your bag. If your story is true, I assume it holds the aforementioned book.'

Severus stared at the prefect, clutching his bag tightly to his chest, outwitted and furious. At that moment he actually felt as though he hated Malfoy. He was so smug, so confident, standing there and clearly enjoying Severus' discomfort, knowing the younger boy was lying but prolonging the misery. Malfoy wouldn't be able to comprehend how bad Severus felt. Lucius could never imagine the indignity of being a friendless half-blood with possessions that were falling to pieces and teachers that couldn't even get his name right.

'Come on, Severus, hand it over. We haven't got all night.' Malfoy held out a hand with a look of long-suffering patronisation on his face.

He didn't know why he did it. Maybe something inside him snapped. Maybe it was the natural reaction of a trapped animal to an advancing predator. Before his brain had really intervened, he had pulled out his wand and waved it at Lucius. The older boy gasped, caught off guard, and fell to the side, as though pushed. Severus tried to dodge around him to the exit, but Malfoy dived sideways to head him off. Furious, no longer sure what he was trying to achieve, Severus waved his wand in a sweeping gesture, willing the candles to extinguish themselves. The room was plunged into semi-darkness, lit only by the shifting flames of the dying fire. He tried once again to run for the door.

But Lucius had his own wand out now, and brandishing it he shouted, 'Expelliarmus!' and Severus' wand was wrenched from his hand and clattered to the floor by Malfoy's feet. Severus tried to run again, but in two steps, the prefect was upon him and grabbed him by the front of his robes. Malfoy looked very angry now, his face tense and so close to Severus' he could see the blood vessels in the older boy's eyes. 'What the hell are you doing!? How dare you attack a prefect, attack me! You listen to me, Severus. I am in charge around here. Do you understand?'

Severus, unable to breathe properly, managed to nod his head. Malfoy continued. 'Now, you had better tell me what is going on, and tell me fast. Unless I hear a damn good reason for your behaviour, you'll be going into detention for a month. And believe me, that is the very least of what I could have done to you.' He glowered at Severus for a moment more, then let go of him. Severus fell down as Malfoy stepped back, gathering up Severus' wand and pocketing it. 'Talk,' he said, through gritted teeth.

Shaking with fear and rage and defiance, Severus clambered to his feet. 'You can put me in detention if you want. It doesn't matter now. I'm leaving school, and you can't stop me.' The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Malfoy raised his eyebrows. 'I think you'll find I can.'

'No you can't! Maybe tonight you can, but I won't give up. You can't watch me all the time, and you can't lock me up, it's not a prison. Soon as I get the chance, I'll escape. Or I'll do something really bad so I get expelled.' He stood staring Lucius down, fists clenched, breathing hard.

The older boy was staring at him, his expression unreadable. Finally he said, 'I suppose it's too much to ask why you are so desperate to leave?'

'I hate this stupid school, I hate everything about it. I'm not going to stay here for seven whole years, I'm better off on my own. I'll teach myself magic.' He hefted the bag over his shoulder and wondered whether he could dodge past Malfoy.

'Pah!' Malfoy made a noise halfway between disgust and amusement. 'You wouldn't last five minutes before they tracked you down and brought you back, you silly little boy. I've never heard anything so stupid. Teach yourself magic!'

'I could teach myself magic! Most of the magic I do is stuff I make up myself. I managed to almost knock you right over, no one taught me that. We've spent the last four weeks in Charms learning two stupid spells that I learned in five minutes. I'd learn more on my own.'

Again, Malfoy stared at him, his eyes narrowed. Some instinct told Severus to hold his tongue, so he waited. Eventually Lucius said, 'All right, you have some talent. All the more reason to stay in school and learn how to do proper magic. No one ups and leaves Hogwarts, it's just not done. Whatever would your father say?'

Severus laughed, seeing an opportunity. 'He never wanted me to come here anyway. He hates me, and he hates magic.' He stared at Malfoy, suddenly seeing a way he could persuade the prefect to let him leave. 'He's Muggle. My Dad's a Muggle, a stupid, worthless Muggle. There, see? I'm a mudblood, I shouldn't even be here at Hogwarts. Now will you let me go?'

Malfoy looked taken aback, but he didn't stop blocking the exit. 'Your mother? Your mother is a witch?' he asked.

'Yeah, though she never does magic. He doesn't let her.' He shrugged his shoulders, as though trying to rid himself of the thought of his parents.

'So you're a half-blood then. What is your mother's maiden name? Her family name, from before she married your father,' he added, as though Severus might not know what 'maiden name' meant.

'Prince,' said Severus sullenly.

'Prince... yes, there is a Prince family I think. Not one of the better families, but pure enough. Obviously, it's not a desirable situation. It's not as good as being pureblood. But you still have a right to study magic. Your mother is a witch, you are therefore of wizarding stock. If you were a mudblood, you would never have been sorted into Slytherin.'

Severus hesitated as he absorbed Malfoy's words, but decided it made no difference. Even if being a half-blood was acceptable, it didn't change the fact he was poor, and inadequate, and unpopular. 'I still hate Hogwarts,' he told Malfoy. 'I still want to leave.'

Malfoy sighed deeply. 'Very well, why don't you tell me what you hate about Hogwarts so much?'

'Everything,' he said shortly, considering if he could grab his wand back from Malfoy. He wanted to get away as soon as he could. He had a feeling that if he left it too long his nerve would go.

The prefect held out a single hand and blocked Severus. His wand was grasped in his other hand, but he didn't move to use it. 'Well. Let's hear it then.'

'There's no point talking about it,' muttered Severus, desperate to get away. 'Look, please just let me have my wand back. I'm sorry I tried to hex you. You're the only person here who's been nice to me. Please, Malfoy, I really am sorry. Please just let me go.' He stood, head bowed, hoping.

'You're about to leave the school forever. Another ten minutes telling me what the big problem is won't make any difference.' Malfoy spoke lightly and he sounded almost amused. He indicated a chair. 'Sit down.' Malfoy said a spell and the chair shot across the room to stop behind Severus. He indicated it again and raised his eyebrows. Furious, Severus sat down on it. Malfoy definitely looked amused now, and took his time selecting a chair opposite and sitting down. He lolled back in it, apparently relaxed, toying with the two wands. 'Come on, then. What has upset you so much that you'd leave school?'

He stared at the fire to avoid looking at Malfoy. How could he begin to explain? Trying to describe the problems faced by someone like him, to someone like Malfoy, was like trying to explain to a fish why running was hard work. 'You won't understand,' he said sadly.

'This is getting tiresome. Tell me what the problems are, or I'll send you to bed and put a body bind on you to stop you escaping overnight, then in the morning we'll go to Slughorn and you can tell him. I don't have all night to sit here.' Malfoy's voice was suddenly hard. 'I've been more than kind to you tonight, Severus. Not many boys would be allowed to get away with hexing me. The only reason I haven't shown you what a proper hex looks like is because you interest me. I suggest you would find it preferable to remain interesting.'

'Fine! I'll tell you then.' The words spilled out of him, as he described how he didn't fit in, how he knew next to nothing about the wizarding world, how his cauldron had disintegrated and the rest of his possessions were heading the same way, how he was hopeless at flying and tormented by Gryffindors. When at least he'd listed every miserable event of the past month, he paused and took a deep breath, staring defiantly at Malfoy. 'So, you see, I'm better off to go and live in a cave somewhere and teach myself.'

'A cave?' Malfoy laughed. 'Where are you going to find a cave? And supposing you do find one, what will you eat?'

'I'll Transfigure stuff,' said Severus, although he knew he hadn't mastered matchsticks into needles yet, let alone dinner.

'You can't Transfigure food, it's an exemption to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration,' said Lucius wearily. 'You're so far out of your depth you don't even realise how preposterous what you're saying is. Even supposing you succeeded - which you wouldn't - what would you do once you came of age? Go and find a job? How's that going to work out when you've got no exam grades and no connections? Or do you propose to continue living in a cave for the rest of your natural life?'

With a sinking heart, Severus knew Lucius was right. Knowing he didn't even have the option of running away, he slumped in his chair as despair overtook him. He wanted to cry but no tears came. He felt too hopeless even for that. He wasn't even aware of Lucius watching him closely, a calculating look on his handsome face. Malfoy drummed his fingers thoughtfully on the arm of his chair. The fire crackled softly in the background.

'You are a strange little boy, Severus,' said Malfoy eventually. He gave a heavy sigh. 'It so happens that right now I find myself in need of assistance with trivial tasks. One does find it very hard work balancing all of one's commitments, when one is a prefect, and studying for five NEWTs, and captain of the Quidditch team.' Lucius paused after listing his accomplishments so that Severus could look fully impressed. 'It would be very useful for me to have someone to help me with all the minor daily annoyances - feeding my owl, fetching library books, running errands. And goodness knows someone needs to keep an eye on you. If you stick with me, you can't go wrong.'

Rousing himself from his gloomy thoughts, it took Severus a moment to realise what Lucius was saying. 'You mean... me help you?'

'We help each other. My friendship is a gift you cannot afford to refuse, and will far outweigh any minor assistance you can give me with daily chores. Well, what do you say? If you're not interested, I'm sure one of the other first years would be. Jones, for instance...'

'No!' said Severus quickly. 'I'll do it.'

Malfoy smiled and rose to his feet. 'Good. We have a deal then. Shake on it.' He held out his hand. Severus hesitated for only a moment before shaking it. Malfoy gripped very tightly, hurting Severus' fingers. 'No more talk of running away, then. You are to make yourself available when I request it. You may sit with my friends and I, unless I send you away. If you have difficulties such as the ones you have described, with Gryffindors and cauldrons and such like, you may inform me and I may choose to assist you.'

Severus nodded. 'Thank you.'

'Now, off you go to bed, I need you up in the morning to take a letter to my owl.' He reached into his pocket and removed Severus' wand. As the younger boy jumped eagerly to take it, he snatched it back out of reach. His voice was still light and he was still smiling, but his eyes were very cold all of a sudden. 'And Severus? If you ever, ever, behave like that towards me again, I will make sure you live to regret it. Comprendez?'

Severus had no idea was 'comprendez' meant, and stared terrified at Lucius. After a moment the older boy rolled his eyes. 'Understand, do you understand?' he asked.

'Yes,' said Severus, nodding his head vigorously.

'All right then. Just remember, I've granted you clemency on this occasion. Step out of line again, and I will make your life so miserable that you will look back on the misfortunes of the last month as a golden era of happiness by comparison.' He smiled again, and threw the wand carelessly towards the younger boy.

Severus fumbled the catch and had to chase the wand across the floor. With one last glance at Lucius, he fled back to his dormitory. He wasn't sure if what had just happened was a good thing or not, but as he clambered into his bed he had to admit to himself he was glad not to be setting off into the cold night.

*****

'Severus! Severus, wait! It's me.' Lily's voice was breathless, and she elbowed her way past a big group of Ravenclaws in her haste to reach him.

Despite himself, Severus stopped and waited. When she drew near, he said, 'What do you want?'

She laid a hand on his arm. 'Oh Sev, please stop being cross with me! I'm so worried about you. Look, I've been saving up my pocket money, and I think it's enough to get a new cauldron.'

Surprised, he bit back the retort he'd been preparing. 'Really? You'd spend all your pocket money on a cauldron for me?'

'Of course I would! Sev, I'd do anything for you. You're my best friend.' Her big green eyes were bright with tears. 'I'm sorry I'm in Gryffindor, Sev. I did ask the hat about Slytherin, but it said I'd be better in Gryffindor. I didn't know what to do... I mean, it's up to the hat, isn't it.'

'I s'pose so,' said Severus grudgingly. He was impressed that Lily had at least asked about Slytherin. 'Anyway, thanks for offering about the cauldron. That's really kind of you.'

'It's nothing. Look, I'll go to Professor McGonagall and ask how we can get one. They won't let us go to Diagon Alley on our own, but I expect there's a way to get things sent.'

'Listen, you don't have to do that, Lily...'

'I know I don't have to, but I want to! And Sev, if you don't get another cauldron, how will you do Potions?'

He shifted his weight awkwardly. 'I mean, you don't have to because I've already got another one. One of the sixth years - Lucius Malfoy - is letting me borrow his. His classes are different days to ours. He's taught me a good spell to clean it as well. But thank you, Lily.' He smiled at her, feeling a sudden warm glow of happiness.

Lily's eyes widened. 'Lucius Malfoy? You're friends with Lucius Malfoy?'

'Yeah,' he said, trying to sound casual. 'How come you know of him?'

'Oh, everyone knows Lucius! I mean, all the older girls talk about him - they're all a bit in love with him, even though he's a Slytherin and he has a girlfriend. She's that stupid Sirius Black's cousin, apparently - though she doesn't look like him, does she? Anyway, Black says Malfoy's family are really rich - and Black's family must be pretty rich themselves. Fancy you're friends with him, Sev!' She beamed at him, looking so impressed that Severus felt as though he'd grown a couple of inches taller.

'You're still my best friend though,' he said generously. 'D'you want to meet up in the library after dinner? I've found a really good book of hexes.'

'Hexes? Are we allowed to do hexes?'

He shrugged. 'If we weren't allowed to them, they wouldn't be in a library book, would they. But if you're scared...'

Immediately she puffed out her chest defiantly. 'Course I'm not scared! I'll see you in the library at seven then.'

They parted company as the bell rang for the end of breaktime. He felt so happy he smiled at Jones without thinking about it, and to his surprise the other boy smiled back. Things were looking up at last.