By the Numbers

I sat numbly in the window seat at the end of the corridor, my head resting on my drawn-up knees. I just couldn't move any more. I had never been so mentally and physically exhausted in my entire life. I think I was half-waiting for Remus to come after me but I didn't really expect him to. He had clearly made up his mind, and was more than tired of arguing with me about it. I saw Harry Potter go into Remus' office. Maybe he could convince him to stay.

"Miss Vector?" I looked up to see Albus Dumbledore looking at me with concern.

"Hello." I put my head back down on my knees. I didn't really want to talk to anyone, but it hadn't seemed worthwhile to continue on to the privacy of my room. Most of the students were spending the day in Hogsmeade, and the school was almost entirely deserted.

"I'm sorry this has been so awful for you. I can't help but feel at least partially responsible for Severus' actions. I should have known something like this might happen."

"It doesn't matter." I couldn't let myself care anymore. It hurt too much.

"I have known you and Remus Lupin since you were children. I think I know you both quite well, separately as well as together. I've seen each of you intensely unhappy, but I have also seen the joy you have found with each other. I'm not going to try to stop him from leaving, because he is more right than I care to admit about what will happen if he stays on here. But I don't think you should let distance come between you. I've lived a long time, Anna, and seen many amazing things, both great and terrible. Love is the greatest of all things, and also one of the most rare. Don't let fear and pride take it from you." He conjured a handkerchief and handed it to me. "You'll be pleased to know, I had Severus destroy the results of that spell. He has no longer has the means to invade your privacy in that manner."

"Thank you." I wiped my face with the handkerchief and blew my nose. Dumbledore nodded and continued down the corridor into Remus' office. I sat there, considering his words. A few moments later, I saw Remus emerge from his office, bearing his battered suitcase and empty Grindylow tank. He didn't even glance in my direction. I still didn't move as he disappeared around the corner.

Could I really let him leave like this, without even saying goodbye? My last words to him were so harsh, he must have thought that I didn't care about him at all. The thought of being without him was unbearable. I couldn't just let him go this way. I jumped up from the window seat to go after him, hoping I could catch him before he left.

*****

"Remus, wait!" I called, lifting my robes a bit so I could run faster across the grounds. He had nearly reached the gate, where a carriage was waiting for him. He stopped and turned around, setting his empty Grindylow tank on the ground just in time. He surely would have dropped and broken it when I flung myself at him and covered his face with kisses. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I do care where you go."

Without a word, he put his suitcase down and held me close, returning my kisses.

"I want to go with you," I told him.

He frowned slightly. "No. You love teaching here. I can't let you leave it for me."

"You love it here, too, and you're leaving," I said stubbornly. "You can't make me stay if I want to be with you."

"Ah, but I'm not leaving to be with you. I'm leaving in spite of wanting to be with you." He lifted my chin gently to make me look into his face. "You belong here. In time, you would resent me for taking you away. I would be a poor substitute for your students. You know I don't understand Arithmancy at all." His smile wavered a bit, in spite of his efforts.

My heart broke into still smaller pieces because I knew that he was right. I had fought my father for so long because I did belong at Hogwarts. "I wish you would stay," I whispered.

"I wish I could stay. I'm so sorry that I have to leave like this. But I meant what I said: I'm leaving Hogwarts, but I'm not leaving you. I want-" He bit his lip and looked away briefly, considering his next words. "I want to marry you, Anna. Someday. I'm not asking you right now, because I don't know how to give you the life you deserve yet. But I'll figure it out. I'm very resourceful." He smiled nervously.

"You want to...to marry me?" I said faintly. "Are you mad?"

His smile faded. Clearly, this was not the reaction he had expected.

I hadn't meant to hurt his feelings. "I just mean, if I'm here at Hogwarts, and you're...not, how would that work? How could we be married properly if we don't live with each other?"

"I admit, I haven't worked out the details yet. But I will. I promise."

"No."

"No?" He dropped his hands to his sides, deflated.

"No. You won't 'work out the details.' We will. Together." I grabbed both of his hands in mine. "I don't need you to take care of me, Remus, but I do need you. I want you. I love you," I said matter-of-factly. "When you ask me, I'll say yes."

His smile returned. "Well, that's good to know. Takes a bit of the suspense out of asking, though, doesn't it?"

"Well, I do reserve the right to change my mind if you don't ask me properly," I said primly.

"Understood." We sealed the deal with a magnificent kiss.

"Oi! You call for a carriage?" We were rudely interrupted by the driver's rough voice. "Can't wait around all day, y'know."

"I'll be right there," Remus called. He turned back to me. "The school carriages are being refurbished for the students' trip next week. I had to call for one with a driver," he said apologetically.

"You're really going, then?" I struggled to control my emotions, gripping his hands so tightly that it would probably have been painful for anyone but Remus. I was determined not to cry again until after he was gone.

"I'm sorry." He squeezed my hands gently and then detached himself from my grasp "I love you."

"I know." I somehow managed a shaky smile. "I'll be back in London next Saturday. Will you meet me there?"

He nodded thoughtfully. "I have some things to take care of first, but yes; I'll come to Diagon Alley as soon as I can. We should have a few days before I have to go out in the field on my study."

"I'll see you soon, then." I put my arms around him and kissed him, hoping desperately that it would not be too long before I could do that again.

"Yes, soon," he murmured as I reluctantly released him. He bent to pick up his suitcase and Grindylow tank. "I'll miss you." He didn't look back as he walked to the carriage, but he did give me a small wave through the window as it pulled away from the gate.

*****

As soon as Remus' carriage was out of sight, I turned and ran for my favorite clearing in the forest. I sank down to the ground under a tree, sobbing. For the first time since I had been a child, this place did not comfort me. It had been a mistake to come here; I remembered bringing Remus here, only a few days before. I could almost hear, in the rustle of leaves on the wind, his voice as he had murmured soft, sweet words of love to me when we had clung together so passionately there in the grass.

I looked up hopefully when I heard footsteps approach. "Remus?"

My heart sank when I saw that it was the last person I wanted it to be. "Go away, Severus. How did you even find me here?"

"I followed you. Were you trying to be stealthy? Because you were making an ungodly amount of noise running through the forest."

"Just leave me alone. That's how you want me to be, isn't it? Alone?" I stifled another sob. "Why do you hate me so much, Severus?"

He frowned. "I don't hate you, Anna. On the contrary, I am rather inexplicably fond of you. Quite against my will, I assure you, and honestly not in a romantic way. I was about to tell you so, once, but you fainted before I had the chance."

"Why, then? Why did you spy on me and why did you tell the students about Remus? You had to know that would make him leave."

"Yes, I was fairly certain that it would cause him to leave. That's why I did it." He hesitated for a moment and then did a most un-Severus-like thing: he sat down on the ground facing me. "To protect you. Protecting the students was an added benefit."

"To protect me from what? The kind man who loves me?" I asked bitterly. "Who asked you to, anyway?"

"Not the man, but the beast he turns into." He hesitated again. "I owed it to you."

"What are you talking about?" I didn't think that my confusion was caused entirely by exhaustion. "I've never asked you for anything."

"No. You never have." He paused, seeming to consider whether or not to say his next words. "You deserve the truth. Please, just hear me out before you say anything. And then I promise I will answer your questions."

I nodded, watching him suspiciously. What could he possibly be getting at?

"I am responsible for you, because I saved your life once. A long time ago, when I was an entirely different person." He reluctantly pushed up the sleeve of his robe, and I gasped as he revealed the Dark Mark branded into his left arm.

I was too frozen with terror to follow my instinct to flee. I could hear my own screams from so long ago in my head, the same thoughts rushing through my mind: Danger. Blood. Death. Mum! Suddenly, the full impact of Severus' words struck me like a physical blow. The Death Eater who had saved my life might have been the same one who had killed my mother.

"I see by your face that you know what this means." Severus covered the Mark with his sleeve again. "I was a Death Eater. I work for Dumbledore now. But when I was young, and stupid, and full of hatred, I did horrible things to innocent people. What I did to your family was one of the worst, because I knew you. Your parents were always so nice to me, encouraging my study of potions when I would linger in their shop. Did you know that your father offered me an apprenticeship, but mine wouldn't allow me to take it?"

I shook my head, unable to speak. I could only stare at him in horrified fascination.

"My mother used to like to come with me to your parents' shop. Not many things made her happy, but you always made her smile. I doubt you remember, but when you were very small your father would set you on a high stool behind the counter, and you'd make change for the customers. My mother thought you were sweet. She always wanted a little girl of her own, I think." I had never seen him look so sad. "She had been ill for a long time, and died shortly before...that day. Her life had had little joy in it, but I was with her at the end when she was recalling pleasant memories. One of her favorites was spending time with me at the Apothecary shop, since my father, who was a cruel and controlling man, never went there with us. It was one place we were free of him."

"I remember doing that," I said softly. "Counting the money before I could even see over the counter. I don't remember meeting your mother, though. I'm sorry."

"You were very young, and there were a lot of customers. I wouldn't have expected you to remember any of them in particular. Your father loved to show you off; he's always been so proud of you." He looked wistful for a brief moment. "Your mother wasn't supposed to be there, that day at the Magical Menagerie. It was centrally located but not well guarded, a good place to make a showing of power. It was planned. She was in the way. I couldn't have stopped it, even if I had tried."

"You didn't even try?" I asked in a very small voice. "Didn't you care?"

He had a hard look in his eyes. "No. I didn't care. Not then. I didn't begin to question what we were doing until later."

I couldn't believe I had any tears left, but there they were, impossible to stop. "Why did you save me then? It was you, who stopped the other Death Eater from cursing me, wasn't it?

He nodded. "It wasn't necessary to kill you. I convinced my companion that it would be better to leave a witness, more confirmation that it was the Death Eaters who had been responsible for the bloodshed that day. It wasn't as though you could have identified us, specifically. I recognized you though. You made me think of my mother, and one of the few things that had made her happy."

"How could you allow my father to think so highly of you when you're responsible for breaking his heart?" I was outraged on my father's behalf. "Do you know that he still thinks about my mother all the time? He loved her so much. And do you have any idea how much he's hounded me about marrying you? He wanted you to be part of our family, Severus! And all this time you've been taking advantage of his kindness and his trust. It's disgusting. What do you get out of that?"

"Penance," he said simply.

"Penance?"

"Every time I see Victor do something nice for someone, especially when he is kind to me, it reminds me of the horrible thing I did to him. I must never forget the high price that others have paid for my mistakes. I am too afraid of repeating them." I couldn't imagine Severus being afraid of anything, much less admitting to it. I believed him when he said it aloud. "You're right. I have been taking advantage of him. Tell him the truth about me, Anna. Or I'll tell him, if you want me to."

I thought about it for a moment. Dad was so fond of Severus, and so trusting. I couldn't shatter his faith in the world again. "No. It would kill him to know he was betrayed like that. But if you do anything else to hurt him, Severus, anything at all, I swear that I will kill you myself. I know you think I am just some naïve little girl, who needs to be protected, but don't doubt me on this."

Severus nodded, actually taking me seriously for once. "I believe you. I swear that I will never purposely hurt or endanger either of you ever again."

"What about Cassandra? What are your intentions toward her?" I knew I sounded ridiculously like an old-fashioned parent, but I couldn't help myself.

He frowned slightly. "She is rather amusing, and I did enjoy her company at dinner. I rather hope to see her again, but she is understandably still upset with me. I was very rude to her at Easter. I don't know about love, or romance, or anything of that sort. But I hope we could perhaps be friends."

I was unsure how I felt about all of this. I was, of course, very disturbed by these revelations. I hated what he had done to Remus and it made me sick to think of Severus' betrayal of my father. And yet, he did seem to have intended ...well, not really to be nice, but helpful, at least in his own mind.

"I'm sorry I hexed you last night. I should not have taken my bad temper out on you. Just before I met you I had run into someone from my darker past. Someone who reminded me very vividly of the debt I owe to your family."

"Macnair?" I guessed, correctly, judging from Severus' expression.

"Don't pay attention to me when I call you a brainless Gryffindor. You are far more shrewd than most people give you credit for. But don't go about making suppositions like that. It isn't safe."

"Your concern is duly noted, Severus." I frowned. "I still don't understand how your knowledge of the things I said to Remus helped you to 'protect' me from him. It's creepy, knowing that you were reading such private things that I said. None of that was meant for you, or anyone else. I don't like it at all."

He had the grace to flush slightly. "You should know that I didn't read everything you said. I really only monitored the times around the full moon. I needed to be sure that he wasn't hurting you."

I shook my head. "Remus would die rather than hurt me. If you had any knowledge of both sides of our conversations, you would know that."

"The spell only worked on you: I only had the letter you wrote, and your quill. I had nothing of Lupin's"

"That letter was Remus'. I wrote it for him. Why did you even read it in the first place?" I felt another hot flash of anger at the extent of his intrusion into my privacy.

"I'm not certain why I opened it. Lupin wasn't at breakfast, and I recognized your father's owl. I shouldn't have read it, but I did. My first instinct was to simply dispose of it; for if Lupin didn't know how you felt, he would not share any feelings he might have for you. But then I realized that you would ask him why he didn't respond, and he would tell you he hadn't received it, you would tell him what it said, and he would know anyway. That's why I copied it, and had the copy delivered. I kept the original for the spell. If I couldn't keep you apart, I could at least know how he was treating you."

His explanation did nothing to lessen my disgust. "Not that it's any of your business, but if you had merely taken the time to know Remus, you would know that he treats everyone with courtesy and respect, including you, Severus. Not that you deserved it."

He looked thoughtful. "Perhaps. Lupin, were he merely a man, would probably always be a gentleman. But you can't predict how the moon might affect him. He could have killed anyone in the school last night."

"That was hardly a common occurrence. Last night was most irregular, you know that."

"If it happened once, it could happen again. And that is the second time, that I know of, that he has endangered people. Did he tell you that he nearly attacked me, once?"

"Of course. That wasn't really his fault either. You shouldn't have gone after him."

"You can defend him all you want, Anna. It doesn't make any difference. I know you love him, but the truth is that you are far safer without him."

"Your plan has a flaw, Severus. I am not 'without' Remus. You made him leave Hogwarts, but I'll see him in a week or two. I'll travel with him this summer. We will be together."

"A few weeks in the summer is far different than spending every full moon near him. If I have managed to limit your exposure to such a dangerous animal, I have fulfilled the obligation I have toward you."

"Well, I'm so glad you don't feel 'obligated' toward me anymore," I said sarcastically. "Please, don't try to save me again unless I ask you to. I don't agree with your reasoning at all. You didn't do any favors to anyone by causing Remus to leave. Even discounting how Remus and I feel, what about the students? Even you have to admit that he is a wonderful teacher."

Rising from the ground to leave, he scowled. "I believe that I have admitted to quite enough for one day, Miss Vector."

The return of this familiar, prickly Severus was preferable to the more vulnerable side he had been showing me. I couldn't quite get my mind around the concept that Severus, who had more or less been my friend for several years, had been at least partly responsible for the death of my mother. He was so clearly desperate for redemption for his past sins, that for some unfathomable reason I wanted to help him. I was still angry with him, and probably would remain so for a long time, but I could see that he wanted me to understand him. I probably never really would, but I could try. "I'm sorry I hit you."

He gave a very small, reluctant smile. "No, you're not. You're only sorry you didn't hit me harder."

I snorted. "You're not wrong. But you should know that it was Remus who stopped me from beating you senseless."

He looked slightly surprised. "I would have thought he might have encouraged you in that endeavor. I did treat you horribly."

"Which of the three of us is the 'animal', to use your own word?" I asked him, not really expecting an answer. "Me, for wanting so badly to hurt you? You, for thinking you deserved it? Or Remus, for not allowing it?"

He simply looked at me pensively for a moment. "I'll have to get back to you on that one," he said finally. Then he walked away and left me there alone again.

*****

I simply sat there for a very long time, staring listlessly at nothing in particular. I couldn't bear the thought of returning to the castle, where everything was certain to remind me of how much I already missed Remus. Crookshanks, Hermione Granger's cat, paused in his patrol of the grounds to curl up in my lap. His purr soothed me, as I petted him absently and dozed a bit, leaning against a tree. I felt as though it had been years since I had slept properly.

I jumped, as the Remus in my dream started poking me in the arm. Of course, Remus was nowhere near me, and would probably not have been doing any such thing if he had been. It was a post owl, impatiently pecking at me to get my attention. I took the package he was offering and thanked him quietly before he flew away.

Crookshanks jumped off my lap and stretched. I smiled slightly as he resumed his patrol, the brushy tail that so amused Remus held straight up in the air. I turned my attention to the small package the post owl had brought me, carefully unwrapping what appeared to be a large pebble.

Puzzled, I smoothed out the note that had accompanied it, my heart giving a leap of joy as I recognized Remus' tidy penmanship.

Anna

I had planned to give you this before I left you for the summer. I'm sure it seems an odd gift, a stone from someone who loves you so, but allow me to explain:

When I was a child, my parents taught me at home. It was easier on all of us, as I would have missed so much school due to my condition (The transformations were much worse then, before the Wolfsbane potion.) and other parents really didn't want their children exposed to me. I was so excited when I found out that I was going to be allowed to come to Hogwarts. I couldn't believe that I was going to go to school just like all the other kids.

Of course, when the time really came for me to go, I got nervous. I was afraid that I wouldn't make any friends, that no one would like me, that I would miss my parents and be even lonelier than I was at home. The day before I was to leave on the Hogwarts Express, I was out in the garden with my mother. I told her that maybe I should stay home, so she and my dad wouldn't be lonely without me. And what would she do all day, if I wasn't there? (My mother always insisted that she really enjoyed teaching me, but I used to think she was just saying that so I wouldn't think I was a burden. Now I believe she was telling me the truth.)

My mother, of course, saw right through me. She knew what I was really worried about. She bent down and picked up the stone you are holding now. I have never forgotten what she said to me then: 'Everything that makes this your home exists in this little stone. That includes all the love your father and I have for you. It doesn't matter where any of us are; we're a family, and we still belong to each other. Keep this with you, to remind you of that. Any time you feel sad, or lonely, or afraid, hold onto this and remember that you are never

really alone.'

Of course, I

did make wonderful friends at school, but I still carried this stone from my mother in my pocket almost all the time. It was just nice to be reminded that there was someone who loved me so much. Later, when had I lost my parents, and then my friends, I was glad that I had it still. It reminded me that I had not always been so alone in the world.

I want you to have it, now, to remind you of how very much I love you. No matter where either of us may be, or how long we are apart, remember that we belong to each other.

I already miss you so much: the wonderful feeling I get when you hold my hand, your lovely smile, the little sighing sound you make sometimes when I touch you. (You didn't know you did that, did you?) I don't even want to contemplate waking up tomorrow without you.

I'll see you very soon, my Anna, but it could never be soon enough. I can't wait to kiss you again.

With much love and affection,

Remus J. Lupin

p.s. I'll owl you as soon as I know when I will be able to come to London. I need to line up a job for next term first. I know I don't really need to ask you for it, but wish me luck.

I couldn't help but smile at Remus' words. I missed him terribly already, but I thought I might be able to bear it if he kept sending letters like this one. I hoped I could think of a response that would make him feel as warm and loved as his letter had made me feel.

I was quite stiff as I stood up; I had been sitting under that tree for hours. I also felt a bit lightheaded, and realized I hadn't eaten anything since dinner the night before. I headed back to the castle for a meal and a hot bath, and to reply to Remus' lovely letter. As I slipped the stone into my pocket, I decided that I would have to get an owl of my own. I had a feeling I was going to be doing an awful lot of correspondence in the near future.

~ The End ~