By the Numbers

Saturday morning, I was eating breakfast when Aurora Sinistra sat down next to me. She really might have been my closest friend at Hogwarts, as were were close to the same age, and both single. She was nice enough, but rather self-involved and a terrible gossip. I could only handle her in small doses.

"Good morning, Anna." She took a sausage off my plate. Her strategy for keeping thin was to never eat from her own plate. It was terribly annoying. "How have you been? It's been simply ages since we've had time to chat."

"I'm quite well, thanks." I ate my bacon before she could take that too. "You know, classes and all that."

"Right, plus you've been monopolizing the new teacher terribly. You clever thing, snatching him up right away and not giving any of the rest of us girls a chance." I had no idea who these other "girls" could be. Minerva and Sybil?

"I don't own him or anything, Aurora. We're just friends. Really. Why don't you ask him out, if you want to." I wondered briefly why I should feel a pang in the pit of my stomach as soon as the words were out of my mouth. It wasn't as if I cared anything about Aurora Sinistra's personal life.

"Oh, no! He's not my type at all," she laughed. "I prefer a little more flash in a man. Someone to make a dashing entrance with, you know."

I felt a certain grim satisfaction, certain that Remus wouldn't like woman who wore so much make-up and spent so much time on her hair, anyway.

"Now, he is the type I'd like to make an entrance on the arm of." She was watching Severus enter the Great Hall. While I would never refer to him as dashing, he did know how to make an entrance.

"You should definitely ask Severus to go out with you. I think he'd like that." I was not above petty retribution for Severus' recent nastiness. There were probably few things he would like less than for Aurora to speak to him at all; I had several times heard him refer to her as "the dim-wit with the telescope."

"Really?" She eyed Severus' approach like an owl watching a mouse. As much as I would have enjoyed watching Severus squirm, I decided that a hasty retreat was in order, and wrapped a few pieces of toast in a napkin.

"Must dash. See you later." She didn't even hear me. She was clearly planning her assault on Severus. I should probably have felt sorry for him, but I didn't in the least.

*****

"Good morning." Remus looked exhausted when he opened his door.

"I'm sorry, I should have realized you'd be asleep." And I had thought Aurora Sinistra was self-centered. "I thought you might like some breakfast. Here's some toast. I'll leave you alone."

"No, please, come in. I wasn't sleeping." he held open the door and gestured for me to enter with the toast I had thrust into his hand.

"I don't want to bother you, Remus." I felt like such a nuisance. His room was very simple, but comfortable. It reflected his personality perfectly.

"You're not bothering me. Thank you for the toast. Please, sit down." He indicated one of the armchairs in front of the fire.

I settled into the chair, only a little reluctantly. I really didn't want to disturb him, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. "Promise to tell me when you want me to go away, all right?"

"I promise." He smiled and sank into the other chair. He really did look awfully worn out.

"Are you all right, Remus?" I couldn't help being concerned.

"Of course. I am a little tired, but no more so than usual after..." He clearly didn't want to discuss this.

'Oh, right. The full moon." Of course, I couldn't think of another subject to save my life. For once, though, I managed to opt for silence.

"It does trouble you, doesn't it? That I'm a werewolf." The resignation in his eyes was heartbreaking.

"Of course it troubles me. You look terrible. Honestly, you're so pale, and you just look so...so... tired. Does it always affect you like this?

He looked surprised. "I must admit, you may be the first to have more concern for the beast, than fear of being attacked by the beast."

"You aren't a 'beast.'" It distressed me to hear him refer to himself this way. "Why would I be afraid of you?"

"That's nice of you, Anna, but you are naïve," His face had a hard quality I had never seen there before. "I assure you, the beast is always under the surface. I have had to learn a certain amount of self-control, but I am not an ordinary man."

"Of course you're not 'ordinary.' Ordinary people in general aren't at all interesting, or thoughtful, or kind. You...you..." The strength of my feelings on the subject surprised me. I don't know when I had started to cry. "And I am not naïve."

Remus was standing in front of me, holding out a handkerchief like a flag of surrender. "I'm sorry."

I took the handkerchief, but I didn't look up. "I'm not sure why I'm so upset," I sniffled. "I just don't believe that you would hurt anyone. I can't see you as a beast."

"It's my fault. I should have warned you. I can get a little moody around this time of the month." he returned to his chair. "I hope you're right, you know. That I wouldn't hurt anyone. But I can feel violence rising up in me sometimes. It scares me, that I don't always have control over myself."

I finally looked at him. He was staring at his hands in his lap. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe you just have a bad temper? Lycanthopy can't possibly be blamed for your every personality flaw."

He raised his eyes. "You sound like James. He was always telling me off for feeling sorry for myself."

"James Potter?" He and Harry's father had been good friends at school.

Remus nodded. He rose, and went to the bureau against the wall. "I want to show you something."

I crossed the room to see the photo album he had taken out of a drawer. The book opened directly to the page he wanted, as though it was always opened to the same place. The photo was of a chortling toddler with frosting in his untidy black hair, throwing bits of cake at the adults surrounding him.

"Is that Harry?" I couldn't help but smile at the scene. I recognized the much younger Remus Lupin, flinching away from a glob of cake flying toward his face. Lily Potter was half-heartedly trying to prevent her son from flinging more food around, but was laughing too hard to be very effective. James looked proud of the bedlam his son was creating. Blue icing was smeared on his glasses. Peter Pettigrew was standing half hidden behind James. He seemed to have avoided most of the debris. Laughing, caught forever in the act of digging icing out of his left ear, was a face I had seen recently, if in a much more sinister light. Sirius Black.

"Harry's first birthday. This is my favorite photo." I could hear all the years of loneliness and pain in Remus' voice. "It was the last time we were all together. Everything fell apart just a few months later. You're one of the few people since who makes me feel like I am more than an animal."

I put my hand on his. "Maybe later I'll tell you my deep, dark secrets. Right now, I'm going to go, so you can get some rest."

"I look forward to it." Some of the usual twinkle of amusement had finally returned to his eyes. "Seeing you later, I mean. Although I'm sure your secrets are fascinating."

"Don't laugh at me. You're not the only one with angst, you know." Although, come to think of it, I didn't really have anything all that deep and dark in my past. Not compared to Remus' secrets, certainly.

"I wouldn't dream of laughing at you, Anna. Near you, perhaps, but never at you."

He really did have a fantastic smile.

*****

I was just about to leave my classroom late one afternoon when Severus came stalking though the door. He didn't even say hello. "Do you have any idea why Aurora Sinistra has been trailing me everywhere for weeks?"

"N-no," I tried to sound innocent. "Have you been flirting with her?"

"I have never 'flirted" with anyone in my life." I believed him. "She seems to be under the impression that I find her attractive." He looked as though the very thought made him ill.

"I don't-" I started.

"Before you say anything further, may I remind you that your face is giving you away. You really are the most pathetically obvious Gryffindor I have ever seen." He was much angrier than I had expected him to be. "Now, what did you say to that twit to make her think that I want her harassing me?"

"Only that I thought you would like to date her." I couldn't speak much above a whisper. He was standing much too close to me, and his eyes had a dangerous gleam. I took an involuntary step back.

"I've never known you to be a liar. Headstrong and foolish, perhaps, but not deceitful. What were you trying to accomplish?"

"It was a joke, Severus. You were being so hateful about Remus, I think I just wanted to-"

"I should have known Lupin had something to do with it," he snarled. I stepped back again. He was really starting to frighten me.

I was now pressed up against the desk, Severus looming over me. I had never noticed before how very tall he was. "It didn't have anything to do with Remus. I just-"

"Excuse me." Remus was standing in the doorway. He looked and sounded deceptively calm, but he was gripping the book in his hand very tightly. "I don't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to drop off a book for you, Anna."

"You're not interrupting anything." I took advantage of the distraction to free myself from between Severus and the desk. "We're finished with this conversation."

Severus turned his glare from me to Remus. Remus didn't flinch at all. They stared aggressively at each other for a long moment. I drew in my breath sharply when Severus started toward Remus. "Indeed, we are finished here," he sneered as Remus stepped aside to let him though the door.

"Are you alright?" Remus crossed the room quickly, as I sat down rather abruptly in the nearest chair.

"I'm fine." I tried to smile at him.

"You're shaking." He pulled another chair close to mine and sat down.

"He is really angry with me." I was quite touched by the look of concern on his face.

"So I gathered," Remus said wryly. "What does he think you did to him?"

"I told Aurora Sinistra that that Severus wanted her, and she hasn't left him alone since." I very much wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, but was still too shaken up by Severus' ferocity. "Honestly, are we teenagers?"

A ghost of a smile played across his face. "Is that all?"

"Well, he didn't get really furious until your name came up. Why does he hate you so much?" I finally had to ask.

"It was a stupid schoolboy prank." He scowled. "Sirius thought it would be funny to send him after me on the night of a full moon. I might have killed him, if James hadn't stopped it. Not that that would have been the biggest loss in the world, but I wouldn't want it on my conscience."

"He's not so bad, Remus." I ventured timidly.

"Really, Anna, you're sitting there still trembling, he frightened you so badly. And you say he's not so bad?" He frowned thoughtfully. "I wonder...No. He couldn't."

"What?" I was quite perplexed. "Who couldn't what?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking aloud." He looked rather sheepish. "When I first came in, I could only see Severus, leaning down, and you, against the desk. Until I heard you speak, I thought..." He trailed off.

"Good lord, Remus! You didn't really?" It was my turn to be amused by him. I rather enjoyed it, even if my mirth was mingled with horror. "You thought that Severus and I were-were snogging right here in my classroom?" I started to giggle.

His face was scarlet. "Well, that's what it looked like."

He had saved me from making a complete fool of myself more than a few times. I took this opportunity to repay him. "You said before that you were dropping off a book. What did you bring me?"

"Oh, right. It's something called The Hobbit. I haven't read it yet, but I hear it's quite enchanting." He handed me the book. "Would you join me for dinner?"

"Yes, but can we not go down to the Hall?" I didn't even want to risk running into Severus. "The house elves can send up some sandwiches or something."

"Sounds delightful."

As we walked down the corridor, I ran my hand across the book Remus had given me. The outline of his fingers was deeply imprinted into the cover. Had he clutched that book so tightly when he had thought I was kissing Severus, or when he knew Severus was threatening me? Either way, it was strangely satisfying to have someone who cared so much.

*****

Halloween at Hogwarts was always spectacular. The students had the added bonus of a Hogsmeade trip to look forward to. I hadn't planned anything special, until the post came that morning.

I'm finally able to break away from the city. Meet me for tea at the Hogsmeade Inn. Bring your professor. (I know, I know, he's not

your anything. Blah, blah, blah. I want to meet him anyway.) You know I'll know if you don't invite him.

Cass

Heaven forbid she should ever plan anything in advance. For someone who made her living off telling the future, she had remarkably little insight into her own schedule.

"My friend Cassandra is in town today, and has requested my presence for tea. Would you like to come? She wants to meet you."

Remus looked mildly surprised. "She does?" He continued feeding bits of toast to Cassie's owl, Nike. I'm sure it was the light that made him look a bit flushed.

"Well, I'm sure that I've mentioned you in letters." I could feel myself starting to blush, even though he couldn't possibly have any idea of the extent to which I had "mentioned" him. "And she remembers you from school, of course." Right, that was good.

"I'd love to, but I need to be here when my grindylow is delivered this afternoon." He did look disappointed.

"Grindylow?" I racked my brain, trying to remember what a grindylow was. "Grabby water demon, right?

"Very good, Miss Vector," He grinned at me. "Five points for Gryffindor."

*****

When I walked into the Hogsmeade Inn, Cassie was already there. Hair perfectly styled, robes that looked tailored specifically for her, and surrounded as usual by several good-looking young men. One rather snarky gossip columnist from Witch Weekly had accused Cassie of paying men to flock around her. I can personally guarantee that this was not true. Men were just drawn to her like flies to honey. She was gorgeous, of course, but that wasn't the reason. She just exuded confidence and poise. If she hadn't been my best friend since before we could walk, I would probably have been far too intimidated to even go near her.

The famous Cassandra Vablatsky. She had managed to parlay her modest talent for Seeing (which was really more in the vein of "Your watch is behind the sofa." than anything spectacular) into a very successful career. She was the leading authority on all forms of Divination, outselling all other authors in the field. Even the textbook used by the Hogwarts Divination students was hers.

"Anna, darling!" She waved me over to her table. "Do excuse us, please. I desperately need to chat with my friend." The men scattered. She leaped up out of her chair and hugged me. "So, where's your professor?"

"He's not my-" Oh, forget it. "He couldn't make it. He had a prior commitment. Perhaps if you had let me know you would be here more in advance-"

She cut me off. "Oooh, he's keeps his commitments." She sat down and unfolded her napkin. "That's a good sign."

I sighed and joined her at the table. "I've decided to give up on men, if you must know."

"Really? Going the other way, then?" She arched one perfectly shaped eyebrow.

"Ugh, no! Women are even worse." I took a scone and buttered it. "I'm going to concentrate on my career. You know, start some independent research, and try to get published."

"And in a few years, you'll settle down with a few cats for company? Sounds lovely. Very fulfilling."

"Sarcasm does not become you, Cassandra Louise," I stirred sugar into my tea.

"That reminds me. Mum had your dad over for dinner last Sunday. You'll be glad to know that you and Severus Snape are quite the item at Hogwarts." She had a wicked smirk.

"Oh, God!" Would it never end? "Please, Cass, tell me you're joking. Please?"

"Sorry, sweetie. He's got his heart set on a Potion Master son-in-law." She was disgustingly amused. "Why don't you just tell him you're in love with this Remus Lupin?"

"Because I'm not in love with anyone." This was getting tiresome. "I told you, Remus and I are just friends, and Severus-well, I don't know what Severus and I are, but it's certainly not anything to do with love. We're barely even polite to each other any more, he hates Remus so much."

"Why does whatever it is between the two of them have anything to do with you?" Her success as a fortune-teller had less to do with actual psychic ability than with a shrewd understanding of human nature.

"It doesn't," I lied. I wasn't entirely sure that it didn't. "I just spend a lot of time with Remus. He's very nice and we have fun-"

"And you are in love with him." She spoke as though she were simply stating a fact.

"No, I'm not." I was not going to permit my self to think of Remus that way. "If I were in love with with him it would ruin everything."

"What would it ruin?" In Cassie's world, men were mainly accessories. Whenever one struck her fancy enough, she would embark upon an all-consuming affair, which would burn passionately until it burned itself out. She invested very little real emotional energy into relationships.

I, on the other hand, had had my heart handed back to me in tatters more than once.

"He's the best friend I've ever had, besides you. I don't want to wreck that." I was starting to feel rather panicked.

She poured more tea into my cup. "If he doesn't love you, Anna, he's not worthy. You're fabulous. You've just gotten stuck with too many bad apples. He doesn't sound like that from your letters, though."

"I've given up on love. There must be something wrong with me. I keep getting involved with the same type of awful man over and over again. I'm certain Remus isn't that type of man, but he has his own problems. I don't want to go though all that again. It's not worth it."

"If you say so." Cassie was looking at me oddly. "That's not what I've Seen for you, though."

"You aren't supposed to See things for me, Cassie." It made me nervous. "You promised."

"I know. I'm sorry. Sometimes I can't help it." She was playing with, rather than eating, a cucumber sandwich. "Do you want to know what I Saw?

"No, thank you." I really didn't want to know. "Is it good?"

She nodded. "Potentially. Just don't give up on anything, ok?"

"I'll try not to." I swallowed the last of my tea. "What do you want to do this afternoon?"

She tossed her napkin onto the table. "We're going shopping."

*****

A few hours of browsing in Gladrags Wizard Wear had the desired effect; I was feeling much more composed. Cassie had decided that she was coming back to Hogwarts with me for the Halloween feast. She said she was hungry, because we hadn't eaten much of our tea. I knew she just wanted to get a look at Remus. The feast was lovely: the Great Hall was filled with all sorts of fantastically magical decorations. I especially enjoyed Nearly-Headless Nick's reenactment of his own near beheading. The meal was delicious as usual. Remus and Filius Flitwick got into a lively discussion of the various merits of different defensive and offensive charms. Cassie thoroughly seemed to enjoy visiting with so many of our old professors, although she was disappointed that the Divination teacher wasn't present. (She had met Sybil Trelawney several times, and thought she was a terrible charlatan. She found it great sport to tease her.) If I hadn't noticed Severus' frequent hostile glances in our direction, it would have been a perfect evening.

After the Feast, Cassie grabbed me by the arm and dragged me out to the front steps with her. A carriage was waiting to take her back to Hogsmeade. "That man is in love with you," she said in her annoying "I-Have-Seen" voice. "It's all over his aura. Even Sybil Trelawney must be able to see it."

"Do you really think so?" I didn't know if I wanted her to be right or not.

"Well, he's in love with somebody." She had that superior smirk on her face that had always made me want to smack her. "It's either you or Professor Flitwick."

"Ugh, go back to London!" I shoved her toward the carriage.

"Seriously, Anna, you can deny it all you want, but if you're not careful, your father will have you married to Severus Snape before you can say 'creepy,' " She did look serious, for a change. "I am the Cassandra Vablatsky, you know. I don't sell so many copies of my books by making things up."

"Yes, you do," I laughed at her. She laughed, too.

"Well, not just by making things up. Some of it is true, and I wouldn't be able to pull one over on you, anyway." She gave me a wink, then. "I have to admit, he is kind of cute. A bit academic for my taste, but if you like that sort..."

*****

I went back inside to just in time to see Remus, Minerva, and Severus rushing up the stairs, all with identical looks of alarm on their faces. I followed them up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower, where it appeared that every single Gryffindor was standing outside the portrait hole. I gasped as I caught a view of the shredded near-ruin of the Fat Lady's portrait. I heard Peeves the Poltergeist tell Dumbledore, "Nasty temper he's got, that Sirius Black."

I saw Remus go pale, but I couldn't get near him though all the students streaming back toward me on Dumbledore's order to return to the Great Hall.

The entire castle had to be searched. Minerva took charge, assigning an area to each teacher. She sent me off to check the second floor classrooms. They were all clear. I was glad not to have to deal with Black, although I didn't really think he would have stuck around anyway. From what I knew of him, Sirius Black was anything but stupid.

I was heading back down to the Great Hall, when I heard a noise from behind a narrow door I had never even noticed before. Mentally prepared to defend my self, I pointed my wand at the door and whispered. "Alohamora." The door flew open and I found myself with a wand pointed directly at my head.

"Remus," I gasped. "You scared me half to death."

"You startled me, too. I nearly hexed you." He sat down.

"Thank heavens for your excellent reflexes. I don't like to be hexed." I joined him in sitting on the stairs revealed by the opened door. "Where does this staircase go, anyway?"

"Officially, it doesn't exist." He gave me a grim little smile. "In reality, it leads to the roof."

"Did you find anything?" I knew that if Remus knew about this possible escape route, Black probably did as well.

He shook his head. "I would have told Dumbledore if I had." The defensiveness in his voice was fierce, and completely unexpected.

"I know that," I looked at him closely. He looked terribly strained; his face was still very pale and he looked more disheveled than usual. Seized by I know not what impulse, I brushed a bit of hair off his forehead. "You could use a haircut."

"What are you doing?" He grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away from him.

"Just commenting that your hair was getting a bit long," I tried to pull my arm back, but he was holding it quite tightly.

"Do you really think you know me well enough to predict what I would do in a given situation?" He was nearly growling at me.

"I think I know you well enough to know that it isn't me you're angry with right now." I had never seen him look so ferocious. The impending full moon was probably not helping matters. "I just want-"

"What? What do you want, Anna?" He spoke very softly.

"I want-" I don't know what I was going to say.

It was quite a narrow staircase, so he didn't have to lean far forward to close the gap between us. He kissed me, hard. I barely felt the stone wall behind me, although later I would have a painful lump on the back of my head where I hit it. I couldn't breathe, I could feel his fingers digging hard into my wrist, and I never wanted him to stop.

He finally let go of me. His eyes never left mine, but I couldn't read his face at all.

"Remus, I-" I was still trying to catch my breath. I wanted to kiss him back. I wanted to tell him how much I cared for him, how much his friendship meant to me, how he made me feel that he cared about me, that I was worthy of being cared for. I wanted to tell him that I was in love with him. But when I tried to speak, I tripped over the memory of other times in my life, other men to whom I had said such things. It had always ended in utter disaster.

I couldn't say a word.

He blinked, and stood up suddenly. "We should check in with Minerva." His face was still completely closed off.

I watched him walk away. He paused at the end of the corridor, waiting for me to follow. Even as upset as he must have been, he was unwilling to leave me alone with the possibility of a dangerous fugitive popping up at any moment. I felt a momentary stab of irritation as I rose. Damn him and that endearing courtesy!