By the Numbers

"See me after class, please, Mr. Wood." I took the parchment on which Oliver Wood had been scribbling Quidditch plays instead of working on his assigned number chart out from under his quill.

"But, the match-" He had a look of desperation about him.

"After class, Oliver," I said firmly.

"Yes, Professor." He went back to his assignment, although I was sure he was still obsessing over Quidditch.

I continued my wandering amongst the students, indulging in some obsession of my own. I had been feeling out of sorts all week. Remus had been avoiding me ever since Halloween, nearly five full days. I felt terrible about how we had left things and had no idea how to fix it, but I missed him. I stopped at the window and stared blankly out at the Weeping Willow lashing about in the howling wind and driving rain. The dreadful weather echoed my mood. I did regret having been snappish with my students, though. They were working in uncharacteristic silence, having been reprimanded for talking. I usually encouraged them to work together, and several of them kept giving me bemused glances from the corners of their eyes. I decided to dismiss them early.

"Finish up these charts for next class. That'll be all." They gathered up their things and started to file out. Oliver Wood came up to my desk. I returned his Quidditch notes to him. "Arithmancy class is for Arithmancy, Oliver. I know you have a match tomorrow, but I can't let you neglect your studies."

He looked contrite. "I'm sorry, Professor. Can I do my detention after tomorrow, though?"

"I'm not going to give you detention, Oliver. Just don't let it happen again, all right?"

He nodded earnestly. Oliver Wood was far too devoted to Quidditch to be a truly excellent student, but he did try. "How's the team?"

"We were doing very well, but we just found out that we're playing Hufflepuff tomorrow instead of Slytherin! We've been training to play Slytherin!" The desperation I had noticed earlier had returned.

"I'm sure it'll be fine, Oliver. You've got a great team," I said distractedly as I gathered up my books. I very much wanted to go looking for Remus to share a roaring fire with me, but wasn't sure what his reaction would be when I finally managed to corner him and get him to talk to me. I made a decision that I wouldn't put it off any longer. Surely he thought I had rejected him terribly. What a way to respond to being kissed! If our positions had been reversed, and he had sat there just staring at me like that, I would have been hurt and disappointed, too.

"Erm, Professor Vector?" Oliver asked hesitantly.

"Yes, Oliver." I had forgotten he was there.

"You're friends with Professor Lupin, right?" He looked uncomfortable asking a personal question of a teacher.

"Yes." At least, I hoped so. "Why?"

"Well, I was just wondering, is he very ill? Professor Snape is teaching his classes today, and, well, a lot of us were just hoping Professor Lupin will be back soon..."

I blinked. The moon had been full last night. I had forgotten. Oliver was looking at me expectantly.

"Don't worry. It's not anything serious. I'm sure he'll be back in class on Monday." It would probably be better if I waited until Remus was feeling better before I faced him. "Good luck in the match tomorrow. Teachers probably shouldn't take sides, but once a Gryffindor, always a Gryffindor, right?"

Oliver smiled, but he still looked very tense. "Thanks, Professor. We'll do our best. I need to go find Harry. I've been thinking about some things the Seeker really needs to focus on."

He left, and I stood there, holding my books. I needed to find a project of some sort to distract me from my constant thoughts of Remus. My conversation with Oliver had given me some inspiration. Perhaps if I worked out Gryffindor's chances of winning against Hufflepuff when they had trained for Slytherin? The game theory behind the different strategies used by the teams was quite intriguing. I wondered if I would be able to accurately predict the outcome of the match. I was sure I wouldn't be able to sleep, anyway.

*****

It was Sunday afternoon, and I still hadn't worked up the courage to go see Remus. I hadn't left my room since returning from Saturday's Quidditch match. The Dementors hadn't helped matters at all. All I could think about when they had come onto the field was that I had ruined things with Remus forever. He would probably never speak to me again. I might as well just leave Hogwarts and go work in my father's Apothecary Shop. Hell, why not just make my father the happiest wizard in the world and enter into a loveless marriage with Severus Snape? Never mind that Severus hated me now, too.

I was deeply immersed in my own misery when I heard a hesitant knock on the door. I opened it to find Remus standing there, looking quite miserable himself. He also looked extremely thin, pale, and exhausted. I wondered if he had been sleeping and eating properly.

"Hello."

"Hello." My room reflected my own terrible state of disarray, but I couldn't just leave him standing in the hallway. I invited him in.

He raised one eyebrow slightly at the larger-than-usual piles of books, scrolls of parchment, and chewed-up quills strewn about, but was, as always, much too polite to comment. "How are you?"

"Me? I'm just super, thanks." I stood there with my arms crossed across my chest. I don't know why I felt the need to be rude to him. Perhaps it was because he hadn't spoken to me in nearly a week?

He sighed. "You have a right to be angry with me. I came to apologize to you for what happened on Halloween."

"You don't have to apologize for that, Remus. I just want you to talk to me again." I ran my hands though my tangled hair in frustration. The sleeves of my robes slid down, exposing my forearms.

Remus frowned. "Let me see your arm."

"What?" He caught me off guard. "Why?"

"Just give me your right arm." Confused, I held out my arm toward him. He pushed up the sleeve, and gently ran his fingers over the last faded remnants of the bruises he had left there on Halloween. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Remus, don't-"

He jerked away from me as if I were made of fire. Or, in his case, silver. "I won't touch you again."

"No, that's not was I was going to say." I grabbed his sleeve to stop him from backing away. "I was going to say, 'Remus, don't be an idiot.' Don't apologize for this." I shook my arm, and by extension his own as I was still clinging to the fabric of his robes. "I do worse than this to myself every day. Right now I have lovely bruise on my hip from walking into a desk. Shall I show you?" I was getting a bit hysterical.

"That's not the same thing, and you know it." Remus was clearly desperate to get away from me, but he was also unwilling to physically pry my fingers off his robe.

Now that I actually had him backed into a corner, (which I hadn't meant literally when I had planned to confront him), I was not about to let go. "If you're going to apologize for anything, apologize for how you've treated me this past week."

"I haven't done anything to you this week." He looked bewildered.

"Exactly! You can't just take your friendship away from me. I've gotten used to having you around." I was not going to start crying.

He was looking at me as though I were some new specimen for his class to study. "I will not be another man who hurts you."

Now I was bewildered. "Remus, nobody's ever-"

"Maybe nobody's ever left marks on you before, but you have been hurt, and I won't be someone who puts that look on your face ever again." He looked like he wanted to cry himself.

"Remus, I only want you to be my friend. That's all." That was the only time I ever lied to him.

Of course friendship wasn't all that I wanted from him. I was furious with Cassie for making me consider him in any other light, but there it was: I was in love with the most civilized werewolf on the face of the Earth. I was fairly certain he felt the same about me. And he would never come near me again if that were what he thought it would take to keep me safe.

The creases in his forehead relaxed, and I felt some of the tension release from him. I had said what he wanted to hear. I let go of his sleeve.

Time to change the subject. "Did you hear about the Quidditch match?"

"No. What happened?" He looked interested. He enjoyed a good Quidditch match as much as I did.

"It was awful! Dementors came onto the pitch. I've never seen Dumbledore so angry. Harry's fine, but he fell off his broomstick. His broom is not fine..."

*****

The next evening, Remus told me about what Harry heard when the Dementors came near: his mother screaming as she was murdered by Voldemort. Even though Harry had only been a baby, the fact that his subconscious had recorded the details enough for him to be affected by them now broke my heart. It also brought up terrible memories of my own. It was more than I could stand, on top of having to pretend that I felt nothing but platonic friendship for Remus, who looked heartbroken himself at the recollection of losing his friends. I told him I had a headache, and excused myself. The worry lines that appeared on his face when he asked if there was anything he could do for me were just the last straw. I barely made it out of the staff room before the tears started.

"Excuse me," I addressed a set of black robes without looking up to see who I was about to collide with.

"Are you all right, Anna?" It was Severus, sounding uncharacteristically concerned.

"I'm fine, Severus. Please excuse me." He was really the last person I wanted to deal with right then. He hadn't come near me since the scene in my classroom, weeks before.

He stepped aside to let me pass. "I owe you an apology," he said quietly. I stopped, but didn't look at him. "I may have...overreacted the last time we spoke."

"Well, that's a bit of an understatement." I turned around.

"Why are you crying?" I had never seen him with even an ounce of compassion in his eyes before.

"It's not really anything that matters." I didn't want to discuss the affairs of my heart with Severus Snape. Only the fact that he did look truly worried kept me from telling him that it was none of his business.

"Well, if there's anything I can do..." The words of kindness sounded like a foreign language coming from his mouth.

"Are you trying to be comforting?" I couldn't help but smile a little. "Because you're not very good at it."

"Well, it's not really a skill I aspire to master." He gave a disparaging shrug.

"Thank you for trying, but I really will be fine." Eventually. "I accept your apology, by the way. Goodnight, Severus."

"Goodnight."

*****

The remaining weeks of the term seemed to drag on for an eternity. I continued to spend my evenings with Remus, even though it was becoming increasingly difficult to pretend that I was not desperately in love with him. I suspected that it was as hard for him. I noticed him flush slightly if I got too close to him. I did try my best to keep some distance between us, but he could never stop himself from trying to save me from my own clumsiness. Sometimes the crease just above his nose would appear when he looked at me; I had learned that that particular expression meant he was considering something carefully. It didn't help matters at all that I thought that he was adorable when he looked like that.

All in all, it was going to be a relief to go home for the Christmas holiday.

*****

Christmas in Diagon Alley is quite unlike anything else in the world. There is always snow on the ground, but it somehow doesn't turn slushy and grimy like the snow in the streets of Muggle cities. It sparkles and glistens and makes everything look enchanted. Tiny fairies flit here and there, filling the air with thousands of shimming lights. Nearly everyone is in a contagious state of good cheer. Even working in the shop is much less of a chore: people are buying fun things for gifts, rather than necessities.

The days passed quickly. I helped out in the shop, mostly occupied with fixing all the bookkeeping errors my father had made while I was away at school. I had been trying for years to get him to just send me an owl once a week with the receipts and expenses so that I could keep him balanced, but he insisted that he could handle it. It always took me most of the holiday to get affairs back in order. This year, I was grateful, as it gave me something to occupy my mind other than thoughts of Remus Lupin.

It's not as pleasant as it sounds to be in love with one of your best friends. I knew he had feelings for me as well, but until I could convince him that he was not a danger to me, he would never act on them. I hadn't the first clue on how to do that. It was worse than trying to construct a square equal in area to the area of a given circle: an impossible equation.

On Christmas Eve, Dad and I headed over the Vablatsky's as we always did. Cassie's parents owned Quality Quidditch Supplies, and so were of course fabulously wealthy. They were also very, very nice. When I had lost my own mother when I was fifteen, Celinka Vablatsky had helped me though those difficult teenage years when a girl really needs a mother. Ivan Vablatsky, with his booming voice and boisterous manner, was nearly the exact opposite of my quiet and rather reserved father. Of course they had been the best of friends for almost forty years. They were very much like Cassie and I. Celinka said that daughters always reflected their fathers.

Celinka did not allow smoking in her sitting room, so Dad and Mr. Vablatsky had retreated to the study for cigars after the meal. I stayed in the sitting room, staring at the fire. Cassie plopped herself on the sofa beside me. "How are things with your professor?" It was the first time we'd had a chance to speak in private since she had returned from Rome the day before.

"Horrible, and it's all your fault!" I glared at her. "You made me realize that I've fallen in love with him."

"Isn't falling in love supposed to be a good thing? I also told you that he is in love with you, too, remember? How is it horrible that you love each other?

"He's-oh, it's not my secret to tell, Cassie, but he has issues. He thinks he's a terrible danger to anyone who gets close to him. If he knew how I felt about him, and that I knew how he felt, he would stay away from me so he wouldn't hurt me." It sounded ridiculous.

"Is it because he's a werewolf?" Cassie was looking at me with a knowing smile.

"How did you know about that?" I was baffled. Remus' condition, while not entirely secret, wasn't exactly public knowledge.

She gave an airy wave of her hand. "Please. If you think I can't tell a werewolf from his aura, you have less faith in my abilities than I thought."

"Well, yes, it is because he's a werewolf. But, Cassie, that's not all he is! He's so sweet, and smart, and adorable, it's killing me! I can't stay away from him, but every minute I'm with him it gets harder and harder to stop myself from just grabbing him and kissing him right there in the staff room." I buried my flaming face in the sofa cushion.

Cassie patted my arm sympathetically. "He doesn't really seem the type to be overcome by a fit of passion. I can see why you'd be afraid of scaring him."

"Oh, but he is the type." I mocked her with my version of her own wicked grin as I filled her in on the full story of the events that had transpired after her departure on Halloween night. I hadn't been able to convey it properly on parchment, and so she had no idea of the encounter on the staircase.

"Wow." She was suitably impressed. "You awaken his inner beast. That's what scares him. His beast is already close to the surface."

I sighed. " I know. There's a full moon tonight."

"The moon is beautiful, isn't it, shining on the new snow," said Celinka. Cassie's mother sank into the armchair across from us. "A nice night for young lovers, hmm?"

I sighed again. No full moon was a nice night for Remus. Not that he was my lover. The thought that he likely never would be was unspeakably depressing.

"What's the matter, dear? Man trouble?"

"More or less. It'll work itself out." Of course she knew I was lying.

"Anything I can do, dear? I was quite the hand with the love charms when I was a girl." Celinka winked at me; Cassie's wink was an exact replica of her mother's. I couldn't help but give a passing thought to wondering how much I resembled my own mother. My memories of her had grown a bit fuzzy with time. It didn't help my melancholy at all.

"Thank you, but I don't think magic will help." I managed a smile. "Is there any more cake, though? That might work."

*****

I sat in our kitchen after Dad had gone to bed, helping Mina by labeling plates of leftover cookies intended for the neighbors. Mina would probably have felt more fulfilled serving a much larger household, but she would never have considered leaving our family. House elves just didn't do such things. I couldn't stop thinking about Remus, and couldn't have slept if I had tried.

Since my chat with Cassie, I had been pondering the root of the trouble. I loved Remus Lupin, and I was almost completely certain that he loved me. What should there be stopping us, then? The answer was: fear. Remus' obvious terror of causing me physical harm, of course, but if I was completely honest with myself, I was afraid, too. I wasn't terribly concerned for my physical safety, like Remus seemed to be, but I really couldn't stand the thought of having my heart crushed again. If I told Remus what I truly felt for him, and he decided that he would have to stay away from me because of that, I would certainly feel even worse than I did now.

I had a sudden flash of inspiration: all I had to do was convince Remus that he was not a danger to me. I would write him a letter. It seemed brilliant, as I doodled Christmas trees on gift labels and sipped at a bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey an appreciative customer had given Dad. I rather enjoyed the warmth coursing though my veins. No wonder people liked this stuff so much.

I summoned a piece of parchment from the desk in the study, and set to work.

By the time I had finished, it was nearly morning. Homer, Dad's owl, was not at all pleased when I woke him, but I had to post that letter before I lost my nerve. Or before I passed out on the stairs. That bottle of Firewhiskey had gone straight to my head.

*****

I woke very late on Christmas Day, feeling as though a fuzzy cat had slept in my mouth. I remembered why I rarely drank alcohol. I tasted ink. Had I written a letter?

"Oh, no!" I sat up much too quickly. My head and stomach rebelled. I felt very ill. I had written a letter to Remus! The fact that I couldn't remember what I had said in that letter was disturbing. I recalled sending it off with a very disgruntled Homer. What did I say?

"Happy Christmas!" Cassie peered around the doorframe. "Why haven't you gotten up yet?"

"Shh, not so loud." I held my hands up to my throbbing head. "I think I drank most of a bottle of whiskey last night. I feel terrible."

"Aww, poor thing. Drinking alone?" She bounced down on the bed.

I was very nearly sick all over her. "That's not even the worst of it! I wrote a letter to Remus, but I don't know what I said. I remember writing it, and sending Homer off with it, but I have no idea what I wrote. How could I do something so stupid?"

She shrugged. "Love makes people stupid. Where's the quill you used?"

I had to think very hard. "I left it on the kitchen table."

"I'll be right back." She disappeared downstairs. I slowly crawled out of bed and to the bathroom.

"You look dreadful, dear," the mirror informed me, as if I wasn't already aware of that fact.

"Thanks for the confirmation," I replied, splashing water on my face.

Cassie was back in my bedroom when I returned. She had a tray with tea, toast, and a vial of foul-looking potion, along with my quill. "Drink that potion. It'll help your hangover," she snickered.

I held my breath and gulped it down, desperate for relief. It tasted worse than it looked, but I did feel better almost instantly. I was still a bit queasy, but at least I no longer felt as though I were about to die. Some tea to kill the awful taste in my mouth and a bit of toast, and I might feel human again.

"Now, let's see what this quill wrote, shall we?" Cassie laid the quill down on a piece of parchment, and pointed her wand at it. "Priori libre."

The quill rose up on its tip, and began to scribble across the page. "I don't know how anyone can read your writing, Anna. You really need to stop chewing your quills; it makes the tip all ragged. I've been meaning to say something for years."

"It helps me think," I said absently. I was absorbed in watching, with growing horror, my words spill across the page. "Oh, I can't believe I actually sent this to him!" I groaned when the quill came to the end, quivered upright for a moment, and then laid itself back down.

Cassie snatched up the parchment, and read it silently. "Sweetie, this is fantastic. If you get tired of teaching, you could have a future as a writer of romance novels. Of course, you might have to become a terrible lush to write like this all the time. How much whiskey did you say you drank?"

I scowled. "Well, that's just great. He's probably read this by now. How am I going to take this back?"

She was puzzled. "Why would you take it back? Isn't it the truth?"

I seemed to be doing an awful lot of sighing lately. "Of course it's true, but-"

"But nothing. Doesn't he deserve the truth? What gives you the right to keep it from him?" She seemed almost angry with me. "Just because other men in have used you does not mean that it's hopeless. I believe that this man truly loves you, and if you throw that away just because you're afraid, I will never forgive you. All you have to do is trust him to be the man that he is. I would give anything for a chance like that."

I was speechless.

She stood up and straightened her robes. "Now, everyone will be here soon. You wore that yesterday, so get changed and cleaned up. I'll see you downstairs."

Her outburst had taken me by surprise. Perhaps she was right. I would just have to wait for Remus to respond. In the meantime, I was about to have a houseful of neighbors for Christmas tea. I read my letter to Remus one more time.

Remus,

I don't know how to do this, so please just read and know that everything I say here is true. Only once since we met have I lied to you: When I told you I wanted nothing more than to be your friend. It wasn't completely untrue, because I value your friendship above almost anything else in the world. The lie is where I said that friendship is the

only thing I want from you. The truth is that I want everything from you. I want you always to be the one I sit and read with, the one I laugh with. When you cry, I want to cry too.

I wanted so much to say these things to you on Halloween, and a thousand times since, but I was afraid. Not of you (

never of you), but of what might happen between us if things were to change. But things did change that night: since then I have wanted nothing more than to feel your kiss again. I've tried to ignore the way you look at me, as though you are studying me, trying to learn every bit of me by heart. Have you noticed that I look at you the same way?

I know that you would rather die than lose control of yourself, but Remus, I don't believe that giving in to love

is giving up control. It's more of a combining of strengths, sharing the struggle against our faults. You struggle more than anyone I have ever known. Please trust me enough to let me take some of that burden from you.

Every time you smile at me, everything in the world that has broken my heart fades away. I just thought you should know that.

I love you.

Anna

It really did say everything that I had wanted to tell him. I only hoped that a queasy stomach was the worst consequence I would have to pay.

*****

The days between Christmas and New Years were very, very long days indeed. I waited for a response from Remus, but nothing came. He didn't even send me a Christmas gift, which, I must admit, was a bit disappointing. I had sent his to the Hogwarts house elves to be delivered to him on Christmas morning.

I had known the second I laid eyes on it that Remus must have that book. I was in Flourish and Blotts on the second day of holiday when I saw it in the case reserved for special editions and such. A first edition of Hairy Snout, Human Heart, which turned out, when I asked the manager to pull it out for me, to have been inscribed by the author. "Aye, Miss Anna, you're probably wondering how I can guarantee that this inscription is real, given that the name of the author has never been revealed. Well, let's just say that I have my sources, eh?" He winked at me, as though sharing a private joke.

I had already decided to buy it, but the inscription fit Remus so perfectly, it brought me to tears.

I was not born a monster, and I hope not to die as one.

I have now spent 253 nights as a werewolf, and over 10,000 as a man.

Does my time as a monster outweigh the time I have spent as a man?

I pray that when the time comes, I will be judged as the man I have tried to be, and not as the beast I cannot escape.

Even with the local merchant discount, the book had cost a small fortune. It was worth it.

I still thought it had been worth it, even if Remus hadn't sent so much as a note wishing me a happy Christmas. I had poured out my heart to him, and he couldn't spare a moment to even acknowledge it? My mental state alternated between extreme annoyance at his newly developed bad manners, abject despair over his apparent rejection, and a twinge of concern for his welfare. Why had I not heard from him?

The annual Gringotts New Year's Ball was the last thing I wanted to think about. The Gringotts goblins always invited all of the Diagon Alley merchants and their families. As goblins considered it boorish to refuse any sort of invitation, I really had no choice but to attend.

Even in my mental fog, I appreciated the beauty of the enormous vault that had been transformed into a ballroom for the night. Despite their disagreeable reputation, goblins have an affinity for beautiful things, and are very gracious hosts. The annual Gringotts Ball was the wizarding world's most prestigious holiday event.

Everything in the ballroom seemed to sparkle: the decorations, the liquid in crystal goblets, even the guests sparkled. I felt exceptionally dull and drab, despite the fancy dress robes that my father and Mina the house elf both insisted looked wonderful on me. Of course, they were only trying to make me feel better.

Cassie was in her element, of course. She broke away from her adoring fans for a moment to come into my black hole of doom. "You could at least try to have a good time, you know. Standing over here by the refreshments isn't going to help anything."

"I don't want to have a good time." I was feeling rather surly by this time, having fended off several tipsy, paunchy middle-aged wizards who though I might make a good alternative to the hors d' vours. "Do you think anyone will notice if I leave? I really don't want to be here when midnight rolls around. I shudder to think which of these horrible men might try to kiss me."

"Well, I know who that's going to be," she said knowingly. "I don't think you'll shudder over him too much. At least, not in a bad way."

"What are you talking about?" Sometimes, she could be so exasperating.

"Look who just came in. Behind you." She nodded across the room.

I turned around. Remus stood very still, only his eyes moving as he searched though the crowd. "Do you think he's looking for me?"

"Of course he's looking for you, you idiot. Why else would he be here?" Cassie gave me an impatient shove in his direction.

His eyes met mine across the room at that instant. His face lit up, and I knew mine did, too. I no longer cared why it had taken him so long to come to me, as long as he was really there. I must have Apparated across the ballroom to meet him. I certainly don't remember walking.

"Thank you for the Christmas gift," he said in a low voice. "I wanted to bring you yours."

I took the long box he was offering and opened it. Inside was the most beautiful tropical blue feather quill I had ever seen.

"Thank you, Remus. It's lovely. Almost a shame to use it." He knew I was terribly hard on quills. It seemed an odd gift, but his eyes were twinkling.

"It's enchanted. Not even you can break it. You can chew on it all you want."

I smiled up at him. "This is the most thoughtful present anyone has ever given me."

"You gave me two," he said in barely more than a whisper. I had to lean closer to hear him over the noise of the party around us. "That book, I don't know how you got a first edition of a book inscribed by an anonymous author. But what you said in your letter was...was so-I-"

"Excuse me, Sir and Miss." The squeaky voice came from near knee level. A house elf was offering champagne. I thanked the elf, grabbed two glasses, and handed Remus one.

"I've never seen champagne like this." The goblin champagne entranced Remus, like everyone who saw it for the first time. Each tiny bubble was a different shimmering color, and as they rose and burst at the surface, the bubbles emitted a delicate musical tinkle.

"I know. Isn't it the most beautiful thing?" I admired my own glass.

"No. Not the most beautiful thing." I looked up from the bubbles and into his face. He was looking at me intently; with his forehead crinkled in the way I loved so much.

"Remus, I meant every word of that letter. I'm-"

He put a finger on my lips. "Shh. It's almost midnight."

We stood frozen like that; staring into each other, while the lively crowd around us finished counting down the last seconds of the year. "...three!...two!...one! Happy New Year!"

Luminous balloons and swirling confetti enchanted to sing "Auld Lang Syne" rained down from the ceiling. He moved his hand across my cheek and over my hair, pulling me to him. The first time he had kissed me, it had been desperate, frantic, and nearly violent in its intensity. This was no less passionate, but soft, sweet, and indescribably wonderful. When we were both dizzy, we broke apart just enough to breathe.

"I'm in love with you," I whispered.

"I know." He kissed my forehead. "I read your letter, remember?" He kissed my nose.

I was suddenly light-headed with joy. I threw my arms around his neck, forgetting that my hands were full. I knocked him in the head with the gift box he had given me and spilled my champagne. Remus gasped as the chilled liquid trickled down the back of his neck. "Oh, Remus, I'm sorry." I couldn't help but laugh.

He took the now mostly empty glass from my hand. "You're a menace, you know." He deposited both my glass and his own onto the tray of a passing house elf. He was grinning at me, as he took advantage of having both hands free by pulling me close to him again.

"Erm, excuse me," said a familiar voice behind me. I buried my face in Remus' chest for a moment before pulling away to face my father.

"Hi, Dad. This is Remus Lupin." This was a bit awkward. "Remus, this is my fath-"

"Yes, I'm sure he gathered that from when you just called me 'Dad.' May I have a word, please, Anna?" It wasn't like my dad to be so impolite. Possibly the sight of his daughter in a passionate embrace with an unknown man in the middle of a high-profile social event had unhinged him a bit.

It seemed that it would take more than this bit of awkwardness to ruffle Remus' composure. "I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. Vector." He offered his hand. Dad shook it briefly, almost against his will. "I used to get my school supplies in your shop. It's been quite a long time since I've visited Diagon Alley. It really is quite lovely during the holidays, isn't it?"

"Yes, quite." Dad was really not at all interested in making small talk.

Remus took the hint. "If you'll excuse me, I think I'll get us some drinks. What would you like?"

"Nothing for me." Dad was really being very ill mannered.

"Anything but whiskey, thanks." I was not yet fully recovered from Christmas.

Remus walked away, his left hand reluctantly leaving its resting place on my lower back. I missed his steadying presence as I dealt with my father. "Dad, what's wrong with you? You're being very rude."

He raised his eyebrows dangerously high. I hadn't seen that expression since he had caught me sneaking out of the house when I was sixteen. "I'm being rude, Anna Grace?" He hadn't used my middle name since I was sixteen, either. "I think perhaps we need to review the meaning of the word if you think I am the rude one here. How could you have misled a family friend like Severus this way and just who exactly is this Lupin?"

"He's my-my friend, Dad. He teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. He's-I'm-" Now I felt sixteen again, trying to explain myself to him. "I'm not sure what you mean, but I've never misled Severus about anything. What does he even have to do with anything?"

"How long has this been going on? Between you and this Lupin?"

"Stop calling him 'this Lupin.' His name is Remus. I've been crazy about him for ages, but only just worked up the nerve to tell him. And he loves me." I felt a huge smile spread across my face as I said those words, and knew that they were true.

"So it was him that you've been pining after, not...not...Severus?" Dad looked rather green.

"Severus? Of course not. It's only you who thinks Severus and I are anything but friends. I've been telling you... What?" His eyes were fixed on something behind me. I turned around, dreading what I was about to find. "Oh, Dad, you didn't!" I breathed.

Severus was glaring at Remus across the drinks table. I couldn't see Remus' face, as his back was to me, but his hands were clenched very tightly at his sides.

"I though you were missing him and that's why you've been so distracted and so I invited him and he came," Dad said all of this in one long breath. "But it was this Lup-Remus that you were thinking of, wasn't it?

"Yes. Maybe I should have told you, but I'm not sure what I would have said." I would have given anything I owned to be able to read Severus' lips across the room. I wondered what he was saying that was causing Remus to keep clenching and unclenching his hands in such a dangerous manner. "Maybe I should go over there."

"No, don't." He put his hand on my arm. "You'll only make it worse. The last thing two men in love with same woman need is for that woman to be there while they're deciding who gets her."

"Dad!" I was horrified on so many levels. "First of all, Severus is not in love with me. Second, who 'gets' me? Honestly..."

"Calm down, Darling." He patted my arm in what I'm sure was meant to be a comforting manner. "I'll go over in a moment. First, tell me one thing: does this Lup-Remus make you happy?"

It was not a question I had expected, but it was the easiest answer I ever gave. "Yes."

"Well, then, I promise to be nicer to him. I'll get over your rejection of Severus." He squeezed my arm and left me standing there, stunned, as he went to avert the impending disaster over the drinks.

*****

It only seemed to take only a few words from Dad to diffuse the situation between Remus and Severus. Dad shot a wink at me over his shoulder as he and Severus walked over to join a few of Dad's friends in what I was sure would be some sort of fascinating discussion of the finer points of chopping insect parts for maximum effect in some potion.

There was a shadow behind Remus' smile when he returned, empty-handed. "I forgot the drinks," he said apologetically.

"I didn't want one, anyway." I reached out and took his hand. "What was that with Severus?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." He leaned toward me as if to kiss me again.

I pulled away a bit. Overjoyed as I was to have him there with me, I had some questions. "Remus, I sent that letter to you a whole week ago. What took you so long?"

He frowned. "You sent it a week ago?

"Yes, on Christmas. Didn't you get it then?"

He shook his head slowly. "No. I received it yesterday, at breakfast. I could not have survived an entire week of the agony I've been going through since then, trying allow myself to believe that you meant everything in that letter, and admit that I felt the same." My heart skipped several beats at those words.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of parchment. "Is this the letter you sent?"

I read it quickly and nodded as he carefully put it back in his pocket, my cheeks flushing once again at the sight of my naked words on the page.

Remus brushed the back of his hand across my cheek. "I've always wondered if it would burn to touch you when you blush like this," he murmured.

"Always?" I couldn't help but smile at that. "You've only known me since September."

"Always. You were blushing then, too. It was sweet." His eyes had their usual glimmer of amusement, but there was something else there now. It was a look of discovery, as though he'd found something given up for lost for a long time before.

"If you thought that was sweet, my estimation of your intelligence just dropped several notches." At last, he allowed me to brush that stray lock of hair off his forehead.

"Has it really only been since September?" Both of his hands were on me now.

"Does it? Burn to touch me, I mean?" I whispered.

"Yes." He kissed me lightly. "It's wonderful."

I had to agree.

*****

Remus and I walked hand in hand down the snowy street, the sparkling fairies lighting it up like a dreamland. I think we stopped at every display window between Gringotts and my home behind the Apothecary shop, but I don't recall what was in a single one.

"Remus? Have you ever-" I took a deep breath. As close as we had become, some subjects had not come up. "Have you ever been in love before?"

He tightened his grip on my hand. "Yes."

"What happened?" For some reason, it seemed important.

He stopped, and turned to face me. "Well, the first time, I didn't tell her that I am a werewolf until we had been together for some time. I thought that if she loved me as much as I loved her, it wouldn't matter. I was wrong."

I grabbed his other hand, so that I was holding them both tightly.

"When I met someone else. I just couldn't bring myself tell her the truth. Eventually, she became convinced that I was seeing another woman behind her back, and that was why I was gone once a month. I thought that would be kinder than the truth, and I let her continue to believe that. I'm sure she hates me less, not knowing what I really am."

I shook my head. "I doubt she could hate you more, actually."

"It sounds as though you know a bit about that."

I looked up at the stars. "Yes. I do."

He pulled one hand free of mine, placing it on my cheek and gently forcing me to face him. "I would never do that to you."

"I suppose I'm safe and easy for you, since I already know everything about you." I couldn't keep a trace of bitterness out of my voice.

"You don't know everything, sweetheart," he said dryly. "As for safe, perhaps that's true. I don't have to worry about your reaction to my condition. But easy? There is nothing easy about you."

I looked into his eyes, and believed every word he said. I was very much looking forward to finding out the details I didn't yet know: what he looked like in nothing but candlelight, for example. Still, I had to ask. "You're not secretly married or anything, are you? Or attracted to burly Quidditch players?" I blurted.

He blinked, startled by such odd questions. To his credit, he didn't laugh. "Well, I'm definitely not married. And although I reserve the right to change my mind on the Quidditch player question, on the grounds that I don't quite understand it, right now I can unequivocally say that the answer is 'Not even a little bit.'"

"Good enough." We resumed our walk though the snowy street. Even at this hour, there were quite a few other people out walking, mostly young couples "window shopping" in much the same manner as Remus and I. After all, it was New Years. It was really quite lovely. "What did you mean before when you said there was nothing easy about me?"

"Only that you're completely mental," he chuckled.

I stopped walking, rather shocked that this man to whom I had just professed my love thought me insane. "What?"

Bizarrely, I heard my mother's voice in my head, correcting my manners as she had when I was a child. "Don't say 'what,' darling. Say "pardon.'"

I corrected myself without thinking. "I mean, pardon?"

Remus was smirking slightly, as if his point had been proven. "When we first met, you went on about some mad crush you had on me when you were a child, and then proceeded to tell me about some werewolf pen friend of, who, your uncle?

"Cousin." I was aghast at the details he was using against me.

"Right. Then you stabbed me with a fork. In subsequent encounters, you told me that you were practically betrothed to Snape and that you needed to do more research on lycanthropy before you could really make up your mind on how you felt about me being a werewolf. Then you show up the morning after a full moon, shoving toast at me and crying because I looked tired. When I tried to apologize for having kissed you against your will and leaving bruises on your arm, you were furious at me, not for having treated you so horribly in the first place, but for apologizing about it." He was shaking his head and smiling. "Mental."

"You're no prize yourself, Remus Lupin." I was rather vexed. "You're moody, and you have a twisted sense of humor, and...and you like horrible boring novels about dogs, and..." I pushed him up against the wall of the stationary shop and assailed him with a kiss as close as I could manage to the forceful one he had given me on Halloween. "Nothing about that kiss was against my will."

"Didn't I mention that your general insanity is one of the reasons I've fallen in love with you. You're always very entertaining." He was suddenly very serious. "Besides, you'd have to be insane to want to be with me. You do understand what it means that I am a werewolf, don't you? I can't promise that I will always be in my right mind. And there are other factors, you know. Society-"

"Remus, I don't care about what anyone else thinks. I care about you. There are so many things that I like about you..." I could feel myself blushing again.

He kissed me and removed a tiny sparkling fairy caught in my hair. We both watched it fly away and rejoin the glittering cloud drifting above the street.