Quirks

Quirks

"And if you add the newt wing to the beetle liver and the flobberworm legs you will get a very effective numbness solution that will not only numb pain but numb the minds of the drinker..." Is Snape using that on us now? Soooooooo boooooooored. Harry took out a piece of parchment and began to write as he studied the Slytherins who all seemed to be drooling, they were so asleep. Not that the Gryffindors were any different. Looking at them, he noticed that they all seemed to have certain things in common and he was beginning to more and more frequently notice the characteristics he had in common with other Gryffindors. He began to take note of these things and after what must have been several hours (though probably was only a few minutes) he decided to write everything down formally, with Hermione constantly poking him in the side, telling him not to. It went something like this:

There are four kinds of people, as we all know. They can be grouped into certain categories, or houses, that you ought to know by now we call Slytherins, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Gryffindors. If you didn't know this by now, you ought not to be reading this at all anymore as I think you must be hopeless. Or else you're a Hufflepuff. But no matter.

These three categories of normal people and then the Hufflepuffs all have certain characteristics that most everyone in their house shares. By careful observation, I have summed up what kind of people each house has.

And, yes, Hermione, I did do this during Potions. Watching Crabbe and Goyle make fools out of themselves is a heck of a lot more interesting than watching my Numbness Potion boiling for twelve hours straight.

Slytherin

These are the kinds of things I imagine Slytherins to take part in every day just because these things seem to go so well with their personalities. What I can figure out about Slytherins in the hour I get for Potions:

Slytherins are the kind of people that generally have a mean temper and seem to use a few more curses than the rest of the population, both from their wands and their mouths. They seem to have odd, twisted minds that never quite work the way we had all hoped.

Slytherins are the kind of people I can imagine being complete prats when you wake them up in the morning. What kind of person doesn't want to be woken up with a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee at 5:30 in the morning, in time to see the sunrise? Crazy bum fools.

Slytherins are the kind of people that I imagine don't have alarm clocks for the sole reason that, even with magic, they never survive more than three times getting chucked across the room at 8:30 in the morning at a wall or somebody's head.

Slytherins are the kind of people that I don't think say more than 'go to Hell' before they've had at least forty-seven cups of coffee and twelve packs of sugar in the morning.

Slytherins would be best as gym teachers. There, they would get to abuse poor, defenseless kids with physical labor and get paid for it! Yeehaa.

Or maybe they would do best as the next world leaders who are all making attempts at world domination. Of course, our world be run into the ground, but that's why we just ought to kill them all off now and get it over with. They'll all die slow, tragic, painful deaths anyway. You know it's true. Best to do it right now and get it out of the way.

Either way, I reckon most of them grow up to be, if not evil murderers, then evil axe-wielding lumberjacks who get to massacre trees all day. Funny how these things work, isn't it?

Slytherins have those 'holier than thou' attitudes that seem to follow them around, though they don't seem to mind. It never really works on them becoming friends with more than the poor, unfortunate few who are in that house. Or a few Hufflepuffs who really just don't know better than to make friends with the Slytherins.

Slytherins are most likely to die horrible, painful deaths in some cruel way that includes much pain and spurting blood.

Slytherins also seem to be those kinds of people who are completely indifferent to everything. I can imagine some little girl sobbing and, unknowingly, going up to a Slytherin for comfort and the Slytherin saying, "here's a Knut. Go owl someone who cares. Wait, let me keep the Knut. Just go."

Ravenclaw

Ravenclaws are all incredibly gorgeous, or handsome, I guess, and crafty in a way. They're the people who always use their common sense. They're the kinds of people I can imagine growing up to be artists with their beatnik hats sitting in coffee houses drinking tall mocca lates. Either that or they would be camp counselors who just can't get other jobs though they are aspiring artists and are trying to go to Oxford on some sort of scholarship that'll never come through.

Or else they'll become math professors at some community college where they'll spend their time complaining about how they hate their job, but'll never quit.

Ravenclaws are the people who die surrounded by friends and family in a very happy mode.

I can imagine Ravenclaws as those fifty year old people you see on commercials immersed in their gardens at their huge farmhouses with the twelve acre lawns advertising some cream to help arthritis. Except I don't think that they would be in commercials. I can imagine Cho like that in thirty-something years. I'm sure she'd still be gorgeously hot.

What would you know, Hermione? You're a girl. You're not supposed to think in that way. Honestly, I don't get girls at all.

Hermione should've been a Ravenclaw except that she's got this weird aura or state of mind or something that basically makes her think must kill Malfoy must kill Malfoy must kill Malfoy must kill Malfoy which does take some boldness so she's in Gryffindor.

I am too writing that, Hermione. Give me back my quill.

Hufflepuff

Hufflepuffs make me want to start crying for the sheer reason that I never imagined anyone could be so boring. They seem so dull, they jump to conclusions, and they're just all around muffin-heads.

Hufflepuffs would do best saying, "do you want fries with that?" until they turn sixty-five.

They're like the Crabbe's and Goyle's of Slytherin: boring, dumb as bunnies, and rather clueless. Except that their whole house is like that.

Hufflepuffs are wanna-be Gryffindors. They try to be bold, but they just end up making fools of themselves. They try to be brave, but they just end up sounding like idiots. Notice I said 'sounding like idiots.' Not 'really are idiots.' That's because Hermione's watching over my shoulder and she wouldn't let me write anything cruel. People like them make people like me want to cry.

I don't know why, but I think Hufflepuffs are the kind of people that take a lot of food on their plates and then complain that they'll never finish it and then do. They just seem so fickle in a weird way.

Hufflepuffs remind me of bananas. They are yellow when dressed in their house robes and, though they are good people, you just can't say they're more than bland. Bananas are also good (I think so), but even if you do like them, you can't really say they have more flavor than just plain bland. Bananas should be the Hufflepuff house animal, though a badger seems about as bland. I don't think anyone in that house would be able to tell the difference between a banana and a real animal. If they can, the banana should just be considered their house fruit. Or maybe that would be Hannah Abbot.

I also think Hufflepuffs would like oatmeal. It seems to be what their brains are made of so they must eat a lot of it. It too is a bland food.

Hufflepuffs are the kind of people that you know make dandelion chains and string them around their necks at the Fourth of July. Somebody really just ought to pull the chains and put the poor Hufflepuffs out of their misery.

Hufflepuffs are the kind of people that I can imagine tripping down the stairs every day. I can imagine them getting up, fixing their wounds with magic, and turning around to walk promptly into a tree or a column or another Hufflepuff. I think their Common Room must have the general order of a pinball game.

I think Hufflepuffs are never satisfied with what they have. They always want to get more and so they are constantly delving deeper and deeper into things their poor, fuzzy minds just can't comprehend. They're the kinds of people that always introduce new fads in fashion, going from style to style faster than the rest of the world can see. They are the kinds of people that would be good eavesdroppers, but not spies. Both jobs involve lots of listening to other people's conversations without being invited. But spies have to report back to somebody. Hufflepuffs don't seem to have much common sense so I can imagine them getting caught easily and becoming POW's or victims of murderers like Voldemort, Grindelwald, or rabid gerbils.

Either way, Hufflepuffs will most likely die suddenly and unexpectedly and will be alone, though not many people would care anyway.

Gryffindor

And then, of course, the great Gryffindors. Brave, daring, passionate, and absolutely fabulous at Exploding Snap. Well, most of us.

Stop it, Hermione. I won that game fair and square. You just can't admit that you actually lost at something. She's hitting me.

Gryffindors are the kind of people who are generally happy most of the time. We are fun-loving, great practical jokers, and pretty much mild-tempered unless the situation is dire. People say that Gryffindors are 'optimistic in the face of inevitability'. Of course that's true. What reason would we have not to be?

Gryffindors are the kind of people you can imagine getting up early in the morning to have a nice jog as the Sun rises in the distance or going rock-climbing up the side of a cliff.

Gryffindors are people who care about your problems. Gryffindors are people who always stand up for what is right in the face of darkness. Gryffindors always help the underlings and will never back down if they know what they are doing is proper. Gryffindors are strong, bold, cant, and all around nice people.

Gryffindors will die in a very heroic way, fighting for justice, liberty, and for all that is good. They will die surrounded by people who know the truth and who will miss them dearly. They will be

This is Hermione. I just took Harry's notebook because he's telling lies. I won that game. He was cheating.

I was not, Hermione.

You were too. And you were rambling; even if it was true.

Was not, Miss Perfect Punctuation.

Was too.

Was not.

Was too.

Hermione Granger is a

Stop that! You should be taking notes.

You're not.

But I could be.

But you're not.

I do too have notes. They're right here.

You wouldn't believe this. She has twenty-three parchments of notes for this class.

You're such an insufferable know-it-all.

Hey, Hermione? When did Ron start writing in my notebook?

Since now. And I am not, Ron.

Hey, Hermione? Ron?

You are too.

Am not.

Are too.

Am not.

Snape's coming.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

I told you guys to take notes. Now he'll see that you weren't. It's your own fault.

No, we wouldn't want to get anything lower than an A+ in this class, just like you.

Shut-up, Ron.

Know-it-all.

Insufferable prat.

Guys, this is my paper and I was writing a good essay and these are supposed to be my notes. Which I didn't take. So stop arguing and let me write down the ingredients to this bloody Numbness Potion.

Geez, Harry. Cool down. Anger management control.

Must be that time of the month.

Both of you can go to

"Are those notes you're writing, Mr. Potter? It doesn't look that way to me. Let me have that," Snape said, taking Harry's paper. He then proceeded to read it aloud to the entire class. The Gryffindors were, of course, laughing hysterically by the end. All the Slytherins were glaring, though a few laughed around the middle of the paper.

"Got to Hell, Potter," Malfoy said, taking a long sip from his mug of coffee.