You've Got Owls

***

It was invented by the Weasley twins, Fred and George.

That, in and of itself, should have set off the warning sirens in every teacher's mind, but no, Dumbledore thought it was marvellous, a real break-through in integrating Muggle technology into life at Hogwarts, and wouldn't you care for a lemon-drop, Severus?

But what was done was done. And it was done. Over-done. And why in Merlin's name did every student have to have access to the teachers' address?

"The system is only to be used as an alternate way of contacting teachers with questions about schoolwork," Dumbledore had explained that first night back, that maddening smile working its way across his wizened face. "It's rather simple really, but we'll be taking...no, utilizing the next three weeks as a familiarization period, to learn its ins and outs."

For the pure-bloods, this was a blind punch to the guts: no one knew where it came from, what it was, or why they needed it. Were owls not good enough anymore?

For the half-bloods, it was like taking a few hesitant steps toward something they knew of yet hadn't explored all that much. With their mostly wizarding connections and friends, what use had they for it?

For the Muggle-borns (or Muggle-raised, such as Harry Potter), it was Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza come early. It was their way of getting one over on the prejudiced, ignorant pure-bloods. It was...

...the Internet come to Hogwarts.

Paradise. Now all the fun of being able to do magic could be mixed with the mind-dumbing, I mean the awe-inspiring brilliance of Muggle technology!

Severus, on the other hand, was left up a river without a paddle as the entirety of his House swarmed over to him as soon as that first feast was over.

"Professor Snape, how could they do this to us?"

"Honestly, it's Muggle--can't be anything worth anything."

(The amount of italics Severus heard that night had his head spinning for days.)

"I heard there were mice involved--do they bite?" (One of the first years fainted at the word 'mice'.)

His fellow Heads of House, on the other hand, had the good sense to bring the questions back to their respective Common Rooms; otherwise, Severus and Minerva would have had enough blackmail material on each other to keep them swamped for days.

***

"AHHH, IT CLICKED WHEN I TOUCHED IT! IT HAS FANGS--GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!!"

Dumbledore had to turn away from the Owl-Cam to stifle his bouts of hysterical laughter. Wiping tears from his eyes and still chuckling madly, the Headmaster thought to himself, Best fun I've had in 142 years, and that's counting the high tea with Grindlewald back in seventh year when I dyed his teeth black with ink...

***

On the whole, the three weeks spent training the students to use HogwartsMail and its Owl-Searcher Tech (© 1997 by WWW, ltd.) went rather well. It was easy to distribute the object Fred Weasley had term a 'lap-top' to all the students the night of the Sorting as it was done by House. It was easy to set aside class time each day for tutorials in using the HogwartsMail system. It was even easier to get everyone started, considering the amount of Muggle-borns in each of the three Houses...but there are four Houses, aren't there?

Severus wasn't sure which was more exasperating: his House's amusing but not unsurprising ignorance of such things, or the E-Owls he had begun to receive almost daily since the lap-tops' distribution on September first.

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Let's Get Together Sometime and Talk Potions

My dearest Potions professor--

I've got a hankerin' for some lessons, if you know what I mean. The workstations in the Potions classroom get so hot and not from the fire underneath the cauldron.

From--

Someone You Wouldn't Think

Severus was flabbergasted. Who the hell had sent this? Was it Minerva McGonagall, as a joke? Or maybe it was Filius, yes, Filius, Severus had noticed the strange glint in his eyes when Dumbledore had announced the news...

He knew he shouldn't have been surprised when his fellow teachers started snorting behind his back by lunchtime the next day. Note to self: hang Minerva next chance I get, the gossipy old witch...

***

"Ron, what are you doing?"

"I need to owl Professor Flitwick about the Charms project."

"...but you're scratching the screen with the quill."

"How else am I supposed to write the note?"

"You can use the keyboard. It's simple, you just type the words, and they appear on the screen."

"I haven't got the keys."

"...Excuse me?"

"The keys for the keyboard, Harry--honestly, I thought even you'd know that, even if the Muggles don't let you use one of these at their house."

***

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: about last night...

Deer Professor Snape,

I hope yer feelin better--honestly didn' mean to knock it into ya so hard!

Hagrid

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: about last night...

Hagrid--

If you ever mention this encounter again, I will be forced to reveal the location of your leather pants and feather boas.

Professor Snape

***

"Excuse me?"

Draco Malfoy glared. "Well, you're a mu-Muggle-born, so I thought you'd know what it is."

Hermione gaped at him. Draco Malfoy was asking her to explain something to him. It didn't matter that it was about porn; she was absolutely sure that Voldemort was about to burst through the doors any second now dressed in a g-string and offering to be Harry's love-slave forever.

Harry, on the other hand, had one thought running through his head: The Internet was pure genius in the Muggle world; in the magical world, it was a miracle.

Draco tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for the answer.

Harry and Hermione looked at each other...and burst out into laughter. Ron chose this moment to come shrieking into the Great Hall. He shoved Malfoy out of his way and grabbed his two best friends by their collars over the table.

"Harry, Hermione, you've got to come quick!" he shouted.

"What's wrong, Ron?" inquired Hermione, true concern shadowing her mirth.

"There are spiders in my lap-top! Webs, Dean even mentioned webs!"

He released them and ran back out, screaming back, "Come on, and help me out here!"

Silence reigned in the hall for many minutes. Draco Malfoy then sighed and pushed himself off the floor. "I only wanted to know what this porn thing everyone was talking about was..."

***

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Your blasted students...

Minerva--

I don't which is worse: your "address" or Miss Granger's constant succession of E-Owls which are currently cluttering my...inbox.

Regardless, I would appreciate it if you would talk to her about it.

I believe her "address" is [email protected].

Severus

***

"Miss Granger?"

"Yes, Professor McGonagall?"

"It has come to my attention that you are misusing the E-Owl system. Professor Snape has complained of several E-Owls carrying...suggestive material, originating from you."

"I'm not sure I know what you're talking about."

"Isn't your address [email protected]?"

"No, it's [email protected]."

"...I see. Sorry to inconvenience you."

"No problem, professor."

***

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: Your blasted students...

Severus--

You were mistaken. [email protected] is not Miss Granger's address. Please refrain from slandering my students without deeper investigations.

Minerva

***

"You've got owls...*hoot*."

"Who's it from, Harry?"

"I don't know yet...*splash*"

"...Peeves must've figured it out."

"Brilliant observation, mate."

***

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Be afraid

Potter--

I'd like to end our little feud as soon as possible, preferably with me as the victor. I have an opening on this Wednesday at 1:45 PM--Diagon Alley, let's say?

Voldemort

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: Be afraid

Riddle--

Nope, sorry, got a Potions test at 1:30. It'll take me at least three years to finish it, so how about some Wednesday in 2000?

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Be afraid

Potter--

DON'T CALL ME RIDDLE!!!

And 2000 sounds fine. Don't mind if I destroy and kill a little till then? Lucius gets bored so easily. Do you find that true of Draco?

Voldemort (EVIL LORD, mind)

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: Be afraid

Riddle--

I'll call you whatever I damn well please.

No, Draco never seems to get bored of the same old things--his material needs to be re-vamped, though.

Now stop E-Owling me.

***

"VIRUS? OH MY GOD, IT'S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!!!!!!! DON'T TOUCH IT--TAKE IT AWAY, FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN!!!"

McGonagall threw a confused look at the headmaster, who blushed red. Dumbledore nervously worried at his collar and chuckled as his deputy narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

"My, these stone walls do echo, don't they?" he said, kicking the Owl-Cam further beneath his desk.

"So that's what they're calling it these days?"

***

TO: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Sorry to bother you...

Severus--

Sorry to bother you, but you remember last night? Did it have to be so...weird?

Anyway, I've been receiving strange messages from this address: [email protected]. Any ideas as to who it is?

Filius

TO: [email protected]

CC: [email protected]

FR: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: Sorry to bother you...

Filius--(and Sinistra)

It was bad enough when Sinistra announced her "address"--have you all lost your minds?

And don't ever call what happened "weird". Bad connotations...

I think I've finally ferreted out the identity of [email protected]. Do not worry.

Severus

***

"Pansy, how the hell did you think of your E-Owl address?"

"It was something the mudblood Granger yelled back at me when I made fun of her name on the train here. That has to be the ugliest name Shakespeare ever used."

"...You've read Shakespeare?"

"Of course I have! I thought his use of wit and metaphor in Much Ado about Nothing was particularly brilliant..."

***

End!

***