The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir

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Meanwhile... (At Hoggy Warts)

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It was yet another bustling day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The sun shone down on the castle and birdsong flooded the sky. The burly figure of Rubeus Hagrid could be seen, taking huge steps across the grounds to the lake, where he liberally sprinkled what looked like fish food. Upon closer examination (Zoom: 200%) it could be seen that he was actually tossing in dismembered shark heads. A small whirlpool formed, sucking in the poor ickle shark heads and consuming them. Indeed, it appeared that the Hogwarts giant squid was actually a Sucking Squid. ((Princess Bride in joke XD))

Inside the school, students were walking down the corridors, living their daily lives. Snogging season was in session at the Astronomy Tower; Percy Weasley and Penelope Clearwater were flushed out of the second story window by Peeves the Poltergeist. Fortunately, the Cushioning Charm set below the Tower took effect and the pair was unharmed, although their dignity took a serious blow.

Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was writing a letter to his beloved brother Aberforth, although he wasn't sure that the man would be able to read it. He soon finished writing and casually transfigured one of his bunny slippers into a screech owl, which grasped his parchment in its claws and set out through his study's wall with a hoot. Apparently a window had been cunningly concealed in Dumbledore's office.

On the Quidditch pitch, Gryffindor Quidditch Captain and Keeper Oliver Wood stood, clutching his broom in one hand and waving the other extravagantly at Katie Bell, Alicia Spinnet and Angelina Johnson. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with their performance and was demanding that they practice more together. The looks on the three girls' faces indicated that they thought otherwise.

Professor Flitwick went flying out of the window of his classroom, a resigned look on his face as he quickly incanted a Cushioning Charm of his own, bouncing off the ground as one might off a mattress. He stomped back into the castle, where a hapless student was doubtlessly awaiting detention.

Outside the Transfigurations classroom, the Bloody Baron had just passed through the body of the Gray Lady, and he had a very lecherous grin on his normally grim face as he turned the corner, quickly beating a retreat. The Lady, on the other hand, looked extremely outraged.

Passing her in the hallway on the way to Care of Magical Creatures, Cedric Diggory discretely slipped a small box of chocolates into Cho Chang's bag. She blushed and gave the youth a light kiss on his cheek before smiling at the starstruck boy and running off to catch up with her friends. Cedric's cheeks promptly threatened to imitate tomatoes, and he stood still in the hallway for several minutes before he abruptly regained his wits and ran the rest of the way to CoMC. He was still late, and five points were taken from Hufflepuff by Professor Kettleburn.

In the kitchens, Fuddy and Faddy, the twin house elves, groaned and wrung their tea cozies in despair as their twelve-layer cake collapsed in on itself with a muffled thump, their baseball-sized eyes filling with tears as they made haste to concoct another confection for the feast at dinner that day. They wondered idly why their culinary masterpiece had emitted multicolored sparks before it went into the oven.

Draco Malfoy was sauntering arrogantly down to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, flanked by his sniggering cronies Crabbe and Goyle. On the way, he met Harry Potter and his friends Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, and the two groups had a brief encounter before they entered the classroom and joined in the excited gossip.

Fred and George Weasley, troublemakers extraordinaire, bounded cackling down a set of steps and opened a secret door, ending up just outside the Potions dungeon. They opened the door and swaggered in, looking as if they had just single-handedly vanquished the Dark Lord himself. When questioned about their joyous expressions, they eagerly recounted how they had stuffed small Filibuster Fireworks into the various cakes that were baking down in the kitchens. Soon, they too were joining in the exciting chatting, for they too were curious about who would replace Remus Lupin, their beloved Defense Against the Dark Arts professor; and Severus Snape, their not-so-liked Potions Master. Their questions were abruptly answered as the door to the classroom abruptly swung open and a black haired man with dancing eyes and smart robes strode jauntily into the dungeon.

He bowed low and then popped up as if he had a spring installed in his back, and his cheery grin seemed to light up the entire classroom. He cleared his throat noisily and started to introduce himself.

"Salutations, Gryffindor and Slytherin Third Years!" he said warmly. "I'm Professor Knum Nad, and I'll be your Potions Teacher for the next four years or so!" Nad exclaimed brightly. Noticing the snickers coming from half the class, he adopted an innocent expression, although the mischievous light shining in his eyes made it obvious that he knew what they were going to say.

Fred raised his hand and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could Professor Nad grinned widely and waved his own hand. "And yes, you can call me Nads. I know you would even if I told you not to," he said casually, then let out a hearty laugh. The class burst out laughing as well at this, and Fred, George and Lee Jordan looked at Nad with an expression that could be compared to those who had seen the face of God. Suddenly, they bolted upright and saluted fiercely, their grins so wide that they stretched practically from ear to ear.

"YES SIR PROFESSOR NUMB NADS SIR!" they shouted, whereupon the whole class, even the Slytherins, stood up and repeated the oath.

But perhaps we'll leave this scene for another teller and move on to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, where the situation wasn't nearly as pleasant.

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Professor Knum Nad laughed pleasantly at his class's antics. "I see the class clowns have presented themselves already. I loved to conjure up tricks during my school days, myself," he grinned joviantly as his first class of the day reclaimed their seats once more. "...but, no time for questions about that right now, I'm afraid!" The Weasley Twins and Lee Jordan lowered their arms, looking somewhat dejected.

Before speaking any further on what, exactly, they were going to do today, he turned to the blackboard behind him and proceeded to write a message for the day's students:

"WELCOME TO POTIONS! MY NAME IS PROFESSOR XD >D"

At the students' puzzled looks to the spelling of his name, Professor >D simply chuckled good-naturedly. "My parents were foreign. Probably thought it was a bloody good joke to play on me (the class chuckled at this). Don't mind the odd spelling."

The professor took his seat at Severus Snape's old desk at took a look around at his students. "Now then, I am sure you wish to know a little bit about me before we get started. No doubt I am very different from my predecessor (Fred and George whispered amongst themselves, 'I sure hope he's better than that greasy git.'). So to get things done and over with..." Nads smiled cheerfully and rattled off a quick assessment of his personality. "Yes, 'Knum Nad' truly is my real name. Yes, I am fully capable of teaching Potions class. No, I do not assign reports, so no need for those piles and piles of blank parchment (the class cheered). Notes will rarely be forced upon you in this class; I prefer to hand out copies of the recipes (even more cheers). My favorite food is spaghetti and meatBALLS (Fred and George snickered at this mention). And... this classroom seems a bit on the droll and dull side, doesn't it?" the professor ended his speech with a question, cultivating murmurs of agreement, especially from the Gryffindors. He brandished his wand with a smile. "Let's liven it up!"

With a flick, the black, dank, dark dungeon transformed into a haven of neon lights. Think mini Las Vegas in a classroom. "Mmm...Too bright, I suppose." He flicked his wand again, toning the atmosphere down from the blinding lights to...disco era decor. Multicolored lights materialized out of seemingly nowhere, and a disco ball now hung from the ceiling. "I suppose Muggle inventions are useful for something," he said with a grin, apparently satisfied with the look.

Nonetheless, the Gryffindor half of the class seemed very taken to Nads already (never mind the Slytherins). "Now then! Let's be started, shall we? I understand my predecessor had JUST begun his lecture on Shrinking Solutions..." he seemed unperturbed by the groans from his third years. "...But forget all of that nonsense!" The Slytherins gaped at their new Potions professor in shock. "Throw out all your notes! Instead, today's lesson will involve the conjuring of Stink Bombs!"

"Excellent!" Fred and George responded with delight. Finally, a teacher other than Dumbledore that will UNDERSTAND and APPRECIATE their pranks!

"Now then, ready your cauldrons! I'll hand out the recipe and coach you through step-by-step..."

The class went by remarkably well. Each student seemed very into the work, measuring out each ingredient with precise glee. Soon enough, it was time to bottle the lime green liquid into their fragile containers. "Be sure not to drop them," Nads warned with a twinkle in his eye. "You wouldn't want to stink up your own common room!"

For once, it was an enjoyable Potions lesson.

The bell rang all too quickly, and the third year Gryffindors and Slytherins begrudgingly filed out of the psychedelic Potions dungeon, their bombs in tow. Oddly enough, Fred and George seemed to be discussing a prank of some sorts called 'Crunchy Nads'...

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Harry Potter was whispering to his close friend Ron Weasley, discussing the amazing fight they'd seen just the day before yesterday between Professors Snape and Lupin, culminating in their arrest by the Auror Mad-eye Moody. Small conversations like this had spawned throughout the classroom; the new teacher was late.

The door suddenly opened and a woman silently glided in, although Harry wasn't sure whether or not she could actually be called a woman at all. From the looks of it, the rest of the class was thinking the same thing: Neville Longbottom was looking wide-eyed at the new teacher, and Seamus Finnigan looked like he was about to pass out right at his desk.

The woman came to a stop behind the teacher's desk and turned to face the class, so they could finally get a good view of her.

It wasn't like she was horribly ugly, Harry mused. In fact, she was quite beautiful, with high cheekbones and full, luscious lips. Her figure was extremely curvy, and her form-fitting robes did nothing to hide her body. Glossy black hair fell almost to the floor like a shimmering curtain.

Those were the good parts.

Her skin had a slight green tinge to it, making her look perpetually seasick. Although she had exquisite features, it was like gazing at a porcelain mask; no emotion or thought could be seen passing behind her expressionless face. And the aura of sheer... wrongness that pervaded her made Harry and Ron shudder.

((Veela gone wrong. XD XD))

She stared at them for a long time, seemingly lost in thought before she abruptly turned and grasped a piece of chalk, writing on the blackboard.

"Hello. My name is Serena Sonores. You will call me Professor Sonores. Due to a highly rare throat disease, I am unable to talk, but apparently Professor Dumbledore trusted in my teaching abilities enough to assign me this job."

Hermione raised her hand, no doubt to ask a question, but Sonores ignored her and pointed to Harry, other hand writing nonstop without her looking. Hermione lowered her hand, looking hurt.

"You. Potter. Explain to me exactly why the Imperius Curse is labeled as one of the three Unforgivable Curses."

Harry gaped at her. He didn't even know what the three Unforgivable Curses were, what the Imperius Curse was much less what it did, although judging from the way Hermione's hand had shot up and was waving frantically in the air again, she knew very well indeed. Ron, sensing his distress, came to Harry's aid.

"We haven't learned that yet, Professor Sonores. how should we know something we haven't even learned?" the red-haired boy asked indignantly. Sonores fixed him with a piercing glare.

"10 points from Gryffindor for your cheek, boy. I was asking Potter. Not you." She looked up as Draco Malfoy lazily raised his hand. "Yes?"

"Because it can control other people completely," Malfoy drawled. "You can make them kill their own children, mutilate themselves beyond the threshold of normal human pain tolerance..." The silver-haired youth gestured expansively. "Anything, really."

Sonores nodded curtly, apparently satisfied with his answer. "Excellent answer, Mr. Malfoy. 10 points to Slytherin. As you can see, Potter, Weasley," she wrote, a vindictive look of pleasure on her face, "You are the exception. Not the rule."

Malfoy leaned back in his chair, a satisfied smirk spreading across his face.

She made them take notes on the Imperius and Cruciatus curses until the bell rang. The students quickly shuffled out, stunned into silence by their strict teacher.

As they left, Ron muttered to Harry, "Now there sits one cold bitch. I bet she stuffs ice cubes into her blouse just to make herself icier." Harry snickered, but he was cut short by a loud tapping. He and Ron turned slowly, facing Professor Sonores.

"You may have made the mistake of presuming that because I cannot speak, I am deaf as well. I regret to inform you that you are wrong. 20 points from Gryffindor, Weasley, and detention for the both of you."

It was with a heavy heart that Harry Potter stepped into the Potions dungeon next class...

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Professor >D smiled pleasantly as his first year Gryffindor and Slytherin students filed in, staring at the new decor with surprise and delight...

Harry Potter trudged towards the Potions dungeon, heart weighed down by the obvious hatred Professor Sonores had shown him. Could it be that she was worse than the late Professor Snape had been?

...Wouldn't go so far as to judge that quite yet.

"Can you believe that woman?" Ron demanded angrily. "I can't believe we had to switch from Lupin to this bitch. I sure hope our new Potions teacher is better than this," he moaned.

"And I thought Snape was bad," Harry muttered dejectedly. "Things can't possibly get any worse, right?"

"SHHH!" Ron warned, eyes wide. "Don't jinx it!"

"Oh, will you two shut up?" Hermione pressed in her snotty fashion. "Professor Sonores doesn't seem to be the nicest in the school, but I'm sure there's a good reason for it."

Ron muttered a not-so-nice response to this, accompanied by a roll of his eyes. "Really, Hermione, you never say anything bad about any of the Hogwarts professors. You didn't even admit to Snape being a slimy git!"

"...I thought Potions was a very interesting subject..." Anyone could see Hermione's blatant retort-avoidance...

And they had finally reached the dungeons. The Trio eyed the new decor in shock as they strolled in, settling down in their seats as they took in their replacement professor. Someone who decorates their classroom psychedelically can't be all THAT bad, now, can he?

Professor XD >D rose from his seat with a flourish as the bell rang once more, a wide grin gracing his features.

"Salutations, Gryffindor and Slytherin First Years!" he announced warmly. He motioned to his name, written plainly on the board. "My name is Professor Knum Nad, and I will be your Potions teacher for your seven years here at Hogwarts!" As expected, the students began to snicker loudly at the name. With a hearty laugh, he continued to speak: "You may call me Nads if you wish. I know you all will, anyway." Of course, the Gryffindors seemed to like his radiated warmth while the Slytherins (Draco Malfoy's group in particular) were ... less than pleased.

In fact, Draco himself had something to say on the subject.

"Numb Nads? Is this some sort of joke?" the rich snob demanded of the teacher, unmasked disgust in his tone.

"I assure you, Mr..." Professor >D trailed off as he picked up the class list and quickly picked out the student's name. "Malfoy, this is no joke. Although I believe my parents seemed to find my name a bloody good joke, don't you agree?" The professor laughed along with the majority of the class. He seemed to be taking this rather well.

Unfortunately, this only served to enrage Draco further.

"You have got to be kidding me," the child snorted. "We're not here to talk about jokes, professor. We're here to learn about potions," he continued dryly. "I don't think you're anywhere near as competent as Professor Snape was."

Hermione immediately jumped to Nad's defense. "That's an unfair judgement! You haven't even SEEN Professor Nad brew potions!"

"That's quite all right, Miss..." He paused to look at the list again. "Granger. He may believe what he chooses, of course. He'll just be the one missing out on the fun!" Nads grinned cheerfully, much to the dismay of Draco.

"My father will hear about this, you know! He'll have you sacked for sure," Draco threatened, a menacing glint in his eye.

"Whatever you say, Mr. Malfoy," Nads replied cheerfully, smile never wavering. "Now then!" He sat down at Snape's old desk once more. "A little about myself..."

Nads went through a similar speech as the one he had given to the third years. The reactions were to be expected; Gryffindors reacting positively, most Slytherins objecting to Nads's methods. He went through a bit of a start as he realized who Harry Potter was, of course...but the spotlight quickly diminished, and the scarred boy was delighted in that he wasn't singled out too often. The second Potions class of the day, overall, went by just as smoothly as the first (with the occasional complaint from Malfoy).

The students were, naturally, upset as the bell rang for lunch. The students reluctantly gathered up their prank products of the day's lesson and headed out the door.

Potions class would no longer be torture to go through.

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The bell signaling the end of the second class finally rang, sending the students of Hogwarts to a well-deserved lunch. All except for one platinum blond first year Slytherin, who snuck off to the Slytherin common room, grabbed a handful of powder from his trunk and threw it into the fire, shouting, "Lucius Malfoy!". A blond man who looked much like an older carbon copy of his son appeared in the flames. Or, to put it more precisely, his head did. Completely unconcerned about the flames licking his sideburns and the ashes that flew up his nose, Lucius looked up at his son with an impatient expression that indicated he:

(a) Had been doing something important.

(b) Needed to get back to that something soon.

That, combined with the fact that he didn't appear to be wearing any clothes and the way his hour was tousled, led one to believe that that something was Narcissa Malfoy. But the author regresses, for she has a very perverted mind and is deliberately spoiling this fic. ((Akane: *completely ignores the fact that she ruined this fic's proverbial innocence with Maria and John Lestrange last chapter*))

"Father~" whined Draco Malfoy, a petulant expression on his face. "The new Potions professor is... annoying me," he said, putting significant weight on the word 'annoying'. The smirk on his face suggested that whatever he found annoying would not be annoying him long. To his utter and complete surprise, his father shook his head, a look of resigned exasperation on his face.

"I'm sorry, Draco," Lucius said, sounding altogether unsorry about the whole thing. "But it really would be in our best interests if you left the new Potions professor be." At Draco's unbelieving expression, Lucius opened his mouth to elaborate, but he was interrupted by a feminine giggle, although the speaker wasn't visible.

"Oh Lucius..." the voice said seductively, followed by another giggle. Draco absently recognized the voice as that of his mother. "Come and play with me, will you?" The accent on play brings several lewd images to the mind of the author, but ickle Draco was too young to understand the subtle nuances of his mother's words, was a bit surprised when his father turned to him and nodded shortly.

"I have... pressing matters to attend to, Draco. Don't bother me again." With that, the elder Malfoy's head burst in a small ball of flame, muttering something about birds and bees, and the fire settled down again.

Meanwhile, lunch was taking place down at the Great Hall. The meal was punctuated by occasional roars of laughter from Hagrid, who was talking animatedly with Professor >D. Many students were coming up to his seat and trying to engage him in conversation; apparently he'd made many friends.

On the other hand, Professor Sonores was sitting alone, completely avoided by both staff and students alike. Anybody who came within a meter radius of her was promptly met by a red-eyed glare; it appeared that she didn't want any company. Strange how she didn't eat much of anything. A little black pudding here, a small dish of liver there..

The abrupt appearance of Draco Malfoy, who seemed to be far more peeved than his usual self, caused a small break in the conversation, but soon the students' chatter turned to other, more interesting topics. Such as Professor >D.

Draco was sulkily shoveling large bunches of asparagus down his mouth when Fred Weasley snuck stealthily behind him. He didn't even notice as the mischievous Gryffindor lifted his robe, but he certainly did when Fred gave him an incredibly vicious wedgie. Using the boy's shock to his advantage, the Gryffindor beater quickly slipped one of the stink bombs he had made in Potions into Draco's briefs. Then he bounded, chortling madly to the safety of the Gryffindor table.

When Draco finally recovered from the pain in his nether regions, he shot the Weasley twins a glare fit to melt adamantium, and sat down heavily with a huff.

...Breaking that oh-so-fragile vial of stink potion that was in his briefs, by the way. That, paired with the Sound Copier Charm that Fred had used on the bottle, made it sound and smell as if Draco had let off an incredibly fetid gas spider.

There was a hurried rumble and shuffle as the Slytherin table was hurriedly evacuated; even Messrs. Crabbe and Goyle were unable to stick by Malfoy. He smelled like rotten eggs and dead skunks and burnt sugar and a thousand other nasty things, and the smells rebounded off of each other, making each other smell even more horrible, if that was possible.

Inevitably, the stench reached Professor >D, who was, after all, sitting closest to the Slytherin table. His nose wrinkled and a jesting light filled his eyes as he commented, "Why, Draco! Have you farted?"

That was the final straw for Fred and George. They collapsed on each other, pounding their fists onto each other's backs, fairly crying with hysterical laughter. A roar of amusement that rose from a thousand throats filled the Great Hall, and even Headmaster Dumbledore couldn't hide a light smile. Looking absolutely outraged, Draco jumped to his feet and stormed out of the Hall.

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It was around three o' clock in the afternoon. All seemed perfectly normal in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as Headmaster Albus Dumbledore headed up the stairs. Lunch hour had just ended, and it was time for some tedious paperwork back in his office.

"Best Blowing Gum," Dumbledore stated cheerfully to a certain gargoyle. With the correct password stated, the gargoyle leapt aside and allowed him passage into the spiral staircase it hid. The headmaster stepped inside, humming a cheerful tune as he climbed the flights into his office.

Fawkes was a magnificent bird today. He stood proudly on his perch, his lovely gold and red feathers shining radiantly in the light. Dumbledore calmly gave the bird a pat on the head and strode to the chair situated behind his desk. He turned and smiled at the seemingly empty room as he seated himself with a flourish. With a wave of his hand, three chairs scuttled over to Dumbledore's desk, side-by-side.

Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black burst out of the shadows and plopped down into the chairs with a huff.

...Actually, allow me to correct myself. Severus and Sirius had fought for a chair, but after Sirius had thrown Severus at Dumbledore's desk, the former had no choice but to choose a different seat. Albus simply smiled with a twinkle of his eye and opened his mouth to speak:

"So, children, how did you manage to end up here?"