Hermione Isn't Easily Impressed

Hermione Isn't Easily Impressed

One morning the 5^th year boys in Gryffindor awoke to realize that they only had one goal in mind for that particular Saturday. They wanted to find out who Hermione liked.

"It's been a mystery for way too long! Even Parvati and Lavender have told us who they fancy!" Seamus exclaimed, looking around him for support.

"I hate to say this, but they like someone different every three days, I don't think it matters that much," Harry replied dully, getting up out of bed and stumbling into the bathroom with his toothbrush.

Neville, however, seemed greatly intrigued by this topic, and pleaded to them all: "Oh, but come on! It would be so fun. At least we would know. I mean, Ron, wouldn't you like to know who she likes?"

Ron gave a loud snore and kicked Neville in the head.

"Ow!"

But Seamus had an idea to get Ron to awaken.

"She's probably just infatuated with Viktor Krum; we don't even have to try the potion on her."

Ron sprang up in his bed with an anxious look. "Is it ready? When can we try it?"

"At lunch, as breakfast is already over. But we have to prepare it first," said Dean. He and Seamus exchanged gleeful expressions. Ron looked overwrought by this conclusion.

"It will take that long? Well, we'd better get a move on, then!"

He quickly dressed, pulling on a pair of jeans and a Weasley sweater, along with two socks which didn't match each other. Neville began to write down the names they were going to interrogate her about, since the potion only worked on a yes/no answer basis. Ron, Harry, Dean, and Seamus all worked together in order to get the potion right. This, however, resulted in utter chaos in which double portions of most of the ingredients were poured in along with dried spiders instead of dried nettles (that was Seamus's fault). Eventually they had completed the potion in some sort of version the color was supposed to be. An aquamarine was close enough to midnight blue, they decided.

Then they went downstairs to lunch, where Hermione was helping Ginny with review tips for Flitwick's Charms test the next week. The boys ambled over, trying to look innocent. Smiling and whistling, they sat down around the two girls. Hermione looked at them suspiciously.

"What are you boys planning now? You scare me sometimes, you know that?" She glared with narrowed eyes at Seamus, who had just knocked over a pitcher of pumpkin juice, and at Neville, who hastily stuffed the bit of paper with people's names on it into his pocket.

"What are you talking about Mione? We wouldn't try to plan anything! I mean..." Ron put an arm around Hermione and tried to keep speaking as Harry emptied the bottle of potion into Hermione's goblet and Neville clamped his hand over Ginny's mouth as she tried to tell her what was happening. Hermione was paying attention to Ron's unceasing ramblings now, though.

"Uh, I mean, you know we've always been completely honest towards you because you're a very, um, nice person, and, uh, you're really smart, and, why don't we just breakfast eat? I mean, eat breakfast...uh, I mean, eat lunch!" He laughed uncomfortably and Hermione looked at him as though he belonged at St. Mungo's with Gilderoy Lockhart and his ragged peacock quill. He gave a false smile and lifted his goblet in an invisible toast.

She remembered her own meal now, and also lifted the goblet in front of her to her lips. She turned back to speak to Ginny, but she was gone...hmm.

"Where did Ginny go?"

"She had a stomachache," Dean said shortly. Hermione gave him a confused look.

"Anyway, Hermione, you see, we had a couple of questions for you about who you, er, ah, like," said Harry, clearing his throat and taking the list from Neville.

"Do you like Viktor Krum?"

"No, not in a romantic sense."

Ron did a victory leap at this and sat back down quickly to listen. "Do you like Seamus?"

"Eurgh! You're kidding, right? Of course not." She said. Seamus looked quite hurt.

"Do you like Neville?"

"No, but he is a darling and a very good herbology student."

Neville blushed.

"Do you like Dean?"

"Nope."

"Do you like Bill Weasley?"

"No, the ponytail is a bit much, his mother is right."

"Do you like either of the twins?"

"No. They need to learn that following rules is a manner of subtlety sometimes, not just obedience." The five boys got a glazed look in their eyes as they usually did when Hermione was lecturing them.

"Do you like Percy?"

At this and a bite of toast, Hermione jumped up suddenly. Her eyes became wild, a smile appeared on her face, and she strode across the Great Hall to Percy, who had randomly apparated there ( A/N: I know, it's for the sake of the story!). A fast tune was suddenly struck up by a snap of her thumb, coming from the statues, suits of armor, and portraits on the wall, it seemed.

"Wow!"

The boys started to sing without control over their own voices: "Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Uh huh yeah yeah!" she continued.

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

She approached the boy formerly known as Weatherby and started telling him what she thought of him in a surprisingly country-like manner:

"I've known a few guys who thought that they were pretty smart

But you've got cauldron thickness down to an art

You got twelve O.W.L.s; it drives me, up the wall.

You're a regular, original, Preee-feeecct.

Ooh-oh you think you're magical,

Ooh-oh you think you're something else,

Okay, so you were Head Boy...

That doesn't impress me much

So you've got the rules but haven't got the touch,

Well, don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright

But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night,

That doesn't impress me much."

Collin Creeveytook pictures of her choreography, ecstatically, saying, "Wow, she doesn't even use incorrect grammar with Shania Twain! That's amazing!"

"Who's ShaniaTwain?" asked another boy sitting near him.

The chorus boys began once again. "Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Uh huh yeah yeah!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

Now she left Percy, who was looking rather put out at her comments, and turned to the Slytherin table, where Draco Malfoy and his cronies were sitting and snickering at her performance. She sat down beside him and started singing.

"I never knew a guy who could've passed for a ferret

When appearance is your top priority.

Well, all that extra hold gel in your blonde hair ought to lock it,

Because Salazar forbid it should fall out of place!

Ooh-oh you think you're magical,

Ooh-oh you think you're something else,

Okay, so you're a Malfoy...

"That doesn't impress me much,

So you've got pure blood but haven't the touch,

Now don't get me wrong, as a Slytherin, you're all right

And that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night,

That doesn't impress me much."

Hermione looked smug about her description of him as Malfoy made furious moves towards her, but his friends held him back, watching her in blank stupidity. Hermione broke into a refrain, dancing crazily around the Great Hall, all the houses and even the faculty watching her as she addressed the last person.

"Ow!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Yeah!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Woo!"

Hermione walked towards Harry to tell him her two knutsabout what he deserved. He looked quite frightened at her verdict. Ron, too, looked very apprehensive of what it could be.

"You're one of those guys who has to save everything,

You make me half-lose my life before you let me be your friend.

I can't believe you kiss Hedwig good-night!

Now come on baby tell me, you're just enchanting, right?

Ooh-oh you think you're magical,

Ooh-oh you think you're the only one.

Okay, so you're the Boy-Who-Lived...

That doesn't impress me much

So you've got the scar but haven't got the touch,

Now don't get me wrong yeah you've saved my life,

But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night,

That doesn't impress me much.

You have a fan club but haven't got the touch,

Na-na don't get me wrong yeah I think you're alright

But that won't keep me warm in the lonely, cold, Gryffindor tower...

That doesn't impress me much."

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Uh huh yeah yeah!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Okay, so what do think, you're Ron Weasley or something?"

She laughed and turned away from Harry, who had a confused look on his face. Instead, she pulled Ron up from where he was sitting and gave him a very long kiss indeed. Then she let him go so he could continue to sing the chorus. Ron gave a victory leap and then sat down quickly to sing.

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"That doesn't impress me much!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Oh no!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"That doesn't impress me much!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Oh no!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Ah-ow!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Yeaaaaaaahhh!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Woo!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Oh, ah-ah now!

"Alright alright,

You're Oliver Wood!

Cedric Diggory, maybe...

Gilderoy Lockhart...

Whatever!

Uh-uh."

She sat back down at the Gryffindor table again, regaining her composure and acting as if nothing happened. The rest of the boys looked astonished.

"Was that supposed to happen?" Dean whispered to Neville.

"I don't think so, but I don't want to be here when she realizes what she just did."

Harry, Dean, Seamus, and Neville looked at each other in fear and jumped up from the table to flee the Great Hall. Ron stayed, a very impish grin on his face. He leaned over and said to her,

"You didn't really take a sip from that goblet, did you?"

She winked at him and with a mischievous smile, took another bite of toast.