Harry's In Trouble Again

Harry's in Trouble Again

Harry stood at the cusp of the two doorways; one leading to the parallel universe , the other to the perpendicular universe. He knew full well how careful he had to be... one false step, and....

Suddenly Harry was plummeting through time and space in a terrifying whirlwind of images and horrible sounds.

"Oh, brilliant!" thought Harry to himself as he realized that last sneeze had sent him off on his bleak sojourn to the other side of the universe... "And it's only Tuesday."

When Harry finally started to become aware of his dank surroundings, he also realized with a great sense of dread, that both feet were anchored to the cold, stone floor with large steel shackles.His shoes had disappeared. His face was dripping with the perspiration of cold fear, so much so that his glasses had slowly started to slide down the bridge of his nose toward the floor. It was only then that Harry realized, to his great dismay, that his wrists were also anchored to the stone floor, right behind his ankles. He could only sit there, bent forward at a highly uncomfortable angle, and let his glasses slip off onto his lap.

"Oh..."

Harry strained his neck to get a better view of just what this place was that he had fallen into. He could feel his collar pushing oppressively against his throat as he stretched his head backward to study the room. He could see that he was in a circular chamber, all made of cold, wet, grey stone. There was a series of steps surrounding the outer edge of the room, and at intervals of forty feet or so, at the tops of the steps, were tall doorways leading to... just where, Harry had no idea. The stench of rotting moss hung in the air, and he could feel the slimy, cold vegetation clinging to the sides of the walls .. one of which his back rested against.

" Gross," thought Harry to himself, as the smell of the moss intermingled with the thick odor of mold. There was a smoldering sensation surrounding him. With his awareness slowly coming back to him, he could now see that it was his robes that were smoldering. " What?!? I'm on fire , too ? What next?!?" If only he hadn't asked.

Although it was hard for Harry to see anything more that two feet away from him, what with his glasses resting uselessly in his lap, he thought that he could just barely make out the shape of a serpent, or enormous snake-like apparition of some sort. As the figure drew nearer, he saw to his absolute mind crushing terror, that a hideous three-headed creature was bearing down on him... headed straight for his outstretched neck. It was with this revelation that Harry now knew for certain just what door he had fallen into. For standing before him, rearing it's ugly heads up to their full, unbelievable height, were the three heads of the all too familiar Hydra.. Not the ones that Harry had heard of in his own, more sensible world, but these awful heads were the heads of FLO, BARRY, and SHIRLEY !! Suddenly, the heads came recoiling swiftly back down to look Harry in the eye. He'd thought they were terrible from a distance, but nothing could have prepared him for this numbingly gruesome visage. The heads of Flo and Shirley were so grossly overlymade-up, it made Harry shiver at the thought of absent-mindedly brushing up against the thick, sticky, goo-like pink lip gloss slathered across the lips of both female faces. The sickeningly sweet smell of fake strawberry lingered around his nostrils to the point where Harry was sure he was going to vomit right into his lap where his glasses and smoking robes lie.. But there was no time to waste on the frivolity of throwing up.. for now Harry could see the real danger that awaited him. Rising up between the two female heads, stretching a full three feet higher , was the head of Barry ! Barry's black hair was covered in a thick pomade that Harry had only heard about in legends of ancient hair salons in America. It made the lip gloss smell like roses. Fake roses, but roses nonetheless. Harry could just about make out the faint hint of eyeliner encircling Barry's eyes.. and .. was that mascara? Harry hoped helplessly that his own eyes were playing cruel tricks on him. " What's he on about ?" Harry thought wistfully to himself.

As Harry's eyes moved slowly down the length of the Hydra's seventy-foot-long body, he thought that he could make out the vague shape of a large square ...something.. in the center of its body. But Harry needed to concentrate on what was happening up closer to his face... With a sick sense of knowing, Harry saw that the Hydra's intent was to devour him , RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THEN, RIGHT.... HOW?? The Hydra, though huge in size, had relatively small heads. He didn't have to wonder about this for long, as suddenly, Flo grasped his left toe in her thickly glossed lips,,,Shirley took his right toe in hers.

"OH MY GOD!!!!! CRIED HARRY..." IT'S GOING TO TAKE THEM WEEKS TO EAT ME AT THIS RATE!! AND THERE'S NOTHING ELSE FOR THEM TO GRAB !!"

Then Harry slowly started to become aware of the fact , with a mounting sense of hideous dread, that Barry was bearing down on him.. headed straight for an area directly between Flo and Shirley. Harry struggled to free himself from the shackles. Knowing it was useless, he started to scream for help.. anyone ANYONE! Even Voldemort himself would have been a welcome sight right about now. But no one came. Harry would have to be brave Harry started wildly smashing his head against the stone wall behind him. He furiously tried to knock himself out cold so at least he wouldn't have to watch....

Suddenly, the room was filled with a million stars. Everything glowed a brilliant white. He could hear soft music in the distance.. Help had finally arrived!! But no.. these were the stars of the concussion Harry had given himself by hitting himself in the head. At the same time he realized this, he also saw to his horror, that Barry was heading for his ...mid section... at breakneck speed. He struck like lightning! To Harry's great surprise, he felt nothing. " WH...." Then he saw, dangling from Barry's mouth, his glasses. "A miss is as good as a mile!" thought Harry. But Barry merely shook off the glasses, and reared up for another go at Harry. Harry closed his eyes in quiet resolution. Tears trickled from his eyes. This is not how Harry had ever imagined his own end. And his toes were beginning to feel all soggy and hot.

This time , the stars were real. As Harry gazed dazedly up at the doorway at the top of the stairs, it burst open with a thunderous crash, and blinding streams of ice blue light flooded the chamber with a sense of sanctuary.. In the midst of the awesome light, stood a tall fatherly figure very familiar to Harry, even in this unknown world. As the figure took a step inside the chamber, he raised his wand, and cried out, "BARRY, DESIST!!" And in the blink of an eye, the tall figure's foot slipped out from under him, and he tumbled, sprawling onto the first landing, the door slamming shut behind him.

"STUMBLEBUM!!!!" yelled Harry affectionately.

"LARRY, DUCK!!" roared Stumblebum. His wand was shooting off sparks in all directions. Harry tried to avoid the spells, as Stumblebum frantically struggled to regain his composure. Two of the sparks hit the shackles, so Harry was able to free his right foot, and left hand. He kicked madly at Flo after flinging Shirley wildly from his right foot. His hand was locked around Barry's throat. By now, Stumblebum had recovered himself, and was casting the spell of explodium headium toward the Hydra. Flo and Shirley's heads blew up in a compendium of bubblegum colors, and cheap floozied splendor!

Barry remained determined. Struggling fiercely against Harry's grip, he opened his mouth to reveal five rows of bright yellow, needle sharp teeth, ready to do their worst. Stumblebum took another step forward , and caught his foot in the hem of his robe, sending him rolling to the bottom of the steps. Confident that there was no further to fall, Stumblebum cast his deadly ' SPLITORUS INHAFFUS ' spell against the Hydra. Harry couldn't imagine why Barry hadn't just given up........

In an instant, the giant Hydra split in two! It could now be revealed what was housed in the belly of the snake-creature.

It was, simply... a trunk. a very old trunk. Stumblebum walked hurridly over to help Harry. He seemed a bit stupified himself. Stumblebum aimed his wand at the remaining shackles, and released a very grateful Harry, indeed! Harry tried to stand, but his legs just buckled beneath him. He was shaking from head to foot. His mouth was too dry to speak the words he so longed to get out.... "That was close...."

Harry remained on his hands and knees for what seemed like hours. It was really closer to six minutes. All this time, Stumblebum was whining, "Come on, Harry. Get up. We need to see what's in this box !"

"MAYBE YOU NEED TO SEE WHAT'S IN THE BOX.. BUT I'VE HAD ENOUGH !! WAIT TIL' I'M WELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU OPEN THAT THING !!"

Stumblebum chuckled at what he was certain was the return of Harry's good natured teasing to the young man's temper. So he blew the lid clean off the box.

A heinous, insidious laugh filled the room to its every edge... and there emerged from the box a sight Harry will never forget for as long as he , or anyone else for that matter, lives! For slowly coming to full height out of the box... all four-and-a-half feet of him, was THE EVIL LORD MORTIMER... Snerd. A more hideous, worm eaten rotted abomination from Hell, one could not imagine... And as if that were not enough to make you want to crawl back into the womb, Mortimer reached down into the box, and pulled out his unholy assistant, the monocled, formally dressed emissary, Charlie McCarthy.

Shudders of dread ran up and down Harry's spine.Even Stumblebum looked surprised.

" DID YOU THINK WE WERE DUMMIES?!!?" screamed Mortimer. "DID YOU REALLY THINK I'D SEND A SOCIALLY INAPPROPRIATE SERPENT TO DO AN EVIL LORD'S WORK?"

Harry thought Stumblebum's reaction to all of this was rather staid. He spoke in even tones to the wooden monster before them. "WHETHER OR NOT I THINK OF YOU AS DUMMIES IS QUITE FRANKLY BESIDE THE POINT. MORE TO THE ISSUE WOULD BE ... WHAT BEST OFFENSE SHOULD WE EMPLOY TO FINALLY RID THIS WORLD OF YOUR RUDENESS, AND BAD TEMPER! NOT TO MENTION, THAT I BELIEVE LARRY'S SUFFERED ENOUGH ALREADY!" he said, as he patted Harry reasuringly on the shoulder, while supporting his still limp body against his own.

All Harry wanted to do was... leave. This wasn't even his world! But would Harry's integrity allow him to leave Stumblebum in the midst of this battle?! Thankfully, Harry didn't need to confront these demons at this time.. for as they stood glued to the spot, waiting for some sort of inspiration to befall them, there was a rustling outside the door through which Stumblebum had stumbled. As the din grew louder, and louder, Harry became aware of Stumblebum's face, and how it now wore the unmistakable look of proud relief.

Stumblebum flew to the great door, and flung it open. One by one his hoard of fighters shoved their way through the opening.

"AND NOW, YOU EVIL PIECE OF LUMBER, ...I GIVE YOU... MY ARMY.!!" AND AS HE CALLED OUT EACH NAME WITH A CONFIDENT , BELLOWING ROAR, THE MEMBERS OF HIS ARMY FELL IN BEHIND THEIR RANKS, ONE AT A TIME....

KNUCKLEHEAD SMIFF

JERRY MAHONEY

DANNY O'DAY

LAMBCHOP

CHARLIE HORSE

HUSH PUPPY

KUKLA

OLLIE

HOWDY DOODY

PINOCCHIO ...and a large group of soft, colorful clownlike, bulbous nosed sort of puppets Harry thought he may have once heard referred to as mummets, or something.

Mortimer had disappeared into his trunk during this procession, and Harry couldn't help but wonder if the mere appearance of this army of wooden soldiers had been enough to scare him away for good. Unfortunately, Mortimer reappeared, and to everyone's horror, and disgust, he now wore the all too recognizable figure of ... CLOWNIE on his little wooden hand! Without the guidance of the kindly ringmaster, Claude Kirschner, everyone knew that Clownie had gone bad. REAL BAD. The little puppet army took a step back, gasping in wooden terror. Clownie raised both mittens, and with the look of ultimate evil, prepared to lay waste to all who stood woodenly before him. His eyes glowed purple , with the hatred of years of enslavement by the hands of generations of puppeteers welling up inside him.

Wait... what was that? Harry heard something far off in the distance, beyond the door they'd all come through. Was it.. chimes? YES! CHIMES!! And if Harry was hearing right, he counted seven, SEVEN CHIMES! But more importantly, Harry wasn't the only one who had heard the chimes. Clownie had heard them, too. Suddenly, a serene, sleepy smile overtook Clownie's face. "Ooooooooooohhhh!" he said, in a tiny, high-pitched, little voice. "Seven O'Clock! Time for all good little boys and girls to be in bed !" And with that, Clownie's head went all limp, and he slipped off Mortimer's hand, quietly rolling away to the farthest end of the room, where all that was heard from him ever again, was the faint muffled noises of contented snoring.

In the ensuing confusion, the puppet army had descended upon Mortimer and Charlie, and wrapped them soundly, lightning fast in so much puppet string, they'll likely NEVER come untangled !!

Harry sat there, thinking to himself... " What just happened here? It's not seven o'clock ! ..who...."

And Harry's question was answered. For gingerly walking down the steps was Professor Lupus, holding his side, as he had had another day of waning red blood cell count...a broad grin on his face, and holding a large carriage clock aloft, he said, "Anyone know what time it is??"

"IT'S HOWDY DOODY TIME!!"

All the puppets shouted in unison. And they danced, and jerked around for many minutes. Finally, Professor Lupus shouted, "Well! I think we all could use a drink ! A round of butterbeer for everyone!! " But Harry held his wand against the professor's.

"No! " said the youth who had aged about ten years in the last ten minutes. "I'm through with butterbeer ! "

And with that, Harry swirled his wand deftly around , and called out, "WILDUS TURKEYUS, INTOXICATUS!"

And dozens of flasks appeared before them. Everyone scrambled to grab his own, which they all drained in a flash.

Later, when they all awoke from their stupor, they all wondered ... what happened to Larry???

We don't know where Larry is, but Harry walked through another door, and found himself back in his own world...none the worse for the wear, but perhaps a little wiser...for now, whenever Harry smells the enticing aroma of imitation strawberries, he knows better than to hang around, looking for trouble !

the end of the beginning......