True They're Sweet, But You Don't Really Want One

"Yep," said Michael Zabini proudly to his workmates as they walked through the corridors of the Ministry of Magic. "Today's the due date. Of course it might not be actually today. But Alice's mother is with her and she's going to page me when the time comes."

"Wow," said Lucius Malfoy on his right side. "I can't believe you're having a baby."

Zabini smiled. "Yeah."

"You idiot."

"What! You had one."

"Exactly, I know what menaces they are. They stink," Lucius began to count on his fingers. "They're expensive, they cry all night, they can't do anything themselves, you get no sleep, therefore no wohoo. It's awful Zabini. You're a fool for not cancelling it when you could."

"Oh come on Malfoy," put in Arthur Weasley, "Kids are great."

"He should know," said Fudge. "He's had about a million of them."

"Five," protested Arthur. "I've had five."

"Er... six," corrected Frank Longbottom in a whisper.

"Really? Six?"

"Yeah, you've got the two big ones, the four year old, the twins and the baby."

Arthur's lips moved silently as he counted under his breath. "Oh yeah, course. I always forget about Ron. Six. I've had six kids. Five pregnancies, but six kids."

"Are you sure?" sneered McNair, "You don't want to get the family photo out and count again?"

"Nope, I'm pretty certain there are fi- six of them."

"Well if Weasley's had six," Michael pointed out, "It surely can't be that bad."

"Ah, but you see, Weasley here," argued Lucius, "Is so poor he has to work extra hours just to feed them all. He hardly ever sees the little brats. You, like me, will be at home to suffer everything."

"But surely my wife will deal with most of that, not me."

All the men snorted.

"Not if you want to eat."

"Not if you want to sleep in the same bed."

"Not if you want to do anything else in the same bed."

Arthur frowned at Lucius. "What is your obsession with... marital activities?"

"Why so shy, Weasley? I'm not the one with ten children."

"Seven! I've got-"

"Six."

"Yeah, six. I'm over-counting now..."

Goyle, who had been silent (as usual) up to now, suddenly sniggered. The group turned to him expectantly.

"Are you sure he can afford a family photograph?"

The men looked around at each other, confused.

"Er... That's very insulting, Goyle. But we passed that a while ago."

McNair shook his head. "You fool."

"Talking of fools," said Malfoy, "Iceberg ahead!"

"Ha ha." Lily Potter smiled as she approached the group. "You're just jealous because you want maternity leave."

"How many months is it now?" Frank asked politely.

"Seven," Lily replied. "Due in July. Hey, Michael, when's Alice due?"

"Today." the group (minus Goyle) harmonised.

"Really? Are you excited?"

"Yes," Zabini breathed exhaustedly.

"Too much if you ask me," remarked Lucius.

"Well no one asked you," Lily told him innocently.

"Where's that husband of yours?" McNair asked.

"Yes, where is Mister Potter?" Malfoy spat, "He's been around here a lot recently hasn't he."

"More than really necessary for a Quidditch player."

"Oh he's worried about me." Lily dismissed. "How's Draco, Lucius?"

"Who?"

"Your son?"

"Oh that thing. How should I know, we have a Nanny."

"Aha!" cried Michael, "You don't know your own son!"

Lucius looked astonished. "No, why should I? It's only a baby."

"Today," droned Goyle.

"Then you can't make any relevant comments on what they're like. Can you? Ha! How d'you like them apples?"

"Well neither can she!" cried Malfoy, pointing at Lily accusingly. "She hasn't even had hers yet! She's still got that unattractive bump thing."

"It's called being pregnant, Lucius. There's this thing called a baby in there."

"I don't think it's that unattractive," mumbled Fudge.

"Look," said Lily, "Ignore everything everybody says. No one can tell you what your particular child will be like or what it will be like living with him or her. Just enjoy it before it's too late."

"Awww," said McNair, "It's the stuff Clintons is made of."

"Michael." said Lily gently, ignoring McNair. "The point I'm trying to make is-"

At that moment there was a beeping noise. Everybody looked at Zabini. Michael dived in his pocket, fished out a beeper and gaped at it. He looked up at the group, astonished.

"It's Alice's mother," he rushed, "Alice must have gone into labour." he started hopping from one foot to the other. "What do I do? What do I do?"

"Go!"

"Oh yeah!"

He dashed down the corridor to the main doors.

"You can Apparate!" Lily called out after him. "Remember?"

"Idiot."

"I like my apples with milk," Goyle added.

The group blinked at him.

"How, um... nice."

***

Soon after, Malfoy went to visit the Zabinis in hospital.

"I'm exhausted, I'm sleep deprived," Michael told his work colleague, "And Alice squeezed my hand so hard she broke my thumb." He gave Lucius an inane grin. "But it was worth it."

"Go on," Malfoy sighed, "What's its name?"

"Blaise."

"So what is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"What is it?"

"A baby?"

"No, what sex?"

"What do you mean? I just told you the name."

"Yeah, but Blaise could go either way. I mean it sounds kind of fruity but you've also got all those famous people like Blaise Pascal who was a bloke."

"Oh. Well it's a-"

And for the first time in sixty hours, Michael Zabini slept.