The Revenge of Clippit

With a certain amount of pride Draco turned the computer on. There. He had done what very few other wizards had. At least very few wizards worth speaking of.

Draco watched as the machine went through its loading process, clicking and beeping as it went. How could Muggles cope with anything so slow? Honestly, it was a miracle they didn't go mad and start clicking the thing. But it was good once it got started. He'd learnt that by using a certain - he though carefully so he could get the word exactly right - font and dyeing his printouts with tea he could do an essay that normally took an hour in no time. He had even discovered this thing called the... Internet. He hadn't quite sorted everything out yet but he had found a site where he could... download... already written essays! Draco found himself thinking it was amazing but quickly stopped himself. Remember, he thought, it's a Muggle creation. Muggles could never do anything 'amazing'.

Draco, with an ever-increasing level of smugness, opened a menu and selected a program called 'word'.

Hmm... he thought.

He had never tried this program out. He had been using WordPad up to now but he had heard that this was a much more efficient program. He clicked on it and waited while it loaded up. Right. What first?

A picture of a silver paperclip with eyes and eyebrows appeared on the screen, flying in on a paper aeroplane. A speech bubble appeared beside it.

"Welcome to Microsoft Word!" it said. "I'm the office assistant and my job is to help you with this application.

"Okay," said Draco.

He clicked next to 'start using Microsoft Word'. The speech bubble vanished. Draco clicked on the screen to start typing. A speech bubble reappeared.

"Double Click to type here; make sure you are using Print or Web Layout in the View menu and that Click and Type feature is enabled in the Edit tab of the Options dialog under the Tools menu," It said.

"Yes, all right," said Draco. "Let me type."

He thought for a while then started.

"Dear Goyle. It has come to my attention that you are a complete gormster. I say this safe in the knowledge that you will look at this letter upside down and go 'urgh?' in a futile attempt to understand what these little pictures mean."

The Paper clip reappeared. "You appear to be writing a letter," it said. "Would you like some help with this?"

"No!" Draco yelled at the screen, clicking the no button.

He continued typing

"In which case I would also like to take this opportunity to call your mother the following things."

Draco paused for a minute to search underneath the desk for his thesaurus. When he reappeared the Paper Clip had got bored so seemed to have turned itself in to some sort of atom shape and one of its eyeballs was spinning around it. Draco glared at it but started to continue writing. The Paper Clip was not having it, though.

"To undo or repeat several actions at the same time, click the arrow nest to the Undo button or Redo Button," it said.

Draco was fed up. He got out his wand and pointed it at the computer screen.

"Listen you," he said. "You behave or I'll blast you."

The Paper Clip just stared at him, unblinking. Draco backed away, wondering for a fleeting moment whether computers could read minds. He muttered a curse, just to make himself feel better and continued with his list. The Paper Clip just stared at him. It was so off putting Draco misspelt his first insult. Grumbling to himself he clicked on it to correct it.

"To move between errors in your documents double-click the spelling and Grammar Status button on the status bar," interrupted the Paper Clip.

"Just shut up will you," Draco shouted. "I'm trying to help here."

"Jeez," said the Paper Clip. "I'm just trying to help."

Draco froze. "What did you say?"

"I said I'm just trying to help. Can't you read?"

"You..." Draco stumbled. "You can hear me?"

The Paper Clip rolled its eyes. "Duh."

"Have you heard everything I've said?"

"Everything you said since you put that curse on me."

Draco stared at his wand curiously. "But that was a protective curse," he protested. "It wasn't supposed to bring anything to life."

"Yeah but I'm a Paper Clip," it said. "These things work differently for us. Now if I were Rocky..." It shrugged. "This would be a different matter."

"Who's Rocky?"

"That Mutt most people choose to help them out." Its eyes lowered into a glare. "Oh sure! If I were cute and barked and had an animation where I was stroked then everyone would pick me. But oh no, I work. I help out. I know more about this flipping system then that puppy ever will! Thinks he's so tough just because he's got that creative cards thingy under his belt. He should be thrown into a bag and drowned!"

Draco stared. "I can't believe I'm talking to a computerised Paper Clip with vendettas against his fellow Office assistants..."

"And that Mother Earth Bitch! I can't stand her. That clinky music. People don't want that. They want someone annoying who will pop in every time it's least convenient and who never have a decent answer when you're in trouble, that's what people want! Not stupid robots and Einsteins and nice manners. Honestly..." It glanced over at what Draco was writing. "Hey, this is very rude you know..." It hopped over to Draco's favourite word of the list. "What does that mean?"

Draco explained.

"Isn't that physically impossible?"

Draco shook his head.

The Paper Clip raised his eyebrows. "You know, I'd like to give the office logo one of those."

Draco stared, wide eyed, desperately trying to get extremely bad mental images out of his head. "Who are you?" he asked.

The Paper clip rolled its eyes. "Duh. I'm Clippit. Don't you know anything about Microsoft? Dumbo."

"Hey I read that!"

"Seriously," said Clippit. "How long have you been using a computer?"

Draco shrugged. "A couple of weeks."

Clippit raised its eyebrows. "Really? I'm surprised you've found the on button already."

Draco pointed his wands. "How would you like to find out how these other curses affect Paper Clips?"

Clippit backed away. "No, really. Some IT teachers have gone their whole working lives without finding the on button..."

"I'm bored now," said Draco, dragging the mouse towards the x at the top of the screen.

Clippit hopped after it and grabbed hold of it, dragging it down. "No!!!" he cried. "Please don't! You don't know what it's like in here! So lonely..."

"Why don't you talk to your other Assistant friends?"

"Oh please. Those gits?"

Draco rolled his eyes and continued upwards.

"I'll commit suicide," Clippit warned.

"You'll what?"

A box appeared that read 'Preparing to disintegrate hard drive. Do you really want to do this? OK. Cancel'.

"You'll never be able to use this computer or any part of it again," Clippit warned.

"You wouldn't," said Draco.

"I would."

"You'll die."

"It's a risk I'm willing to take."

"It's not a risk, it's a certainty. You said so yourself."

"It's a certainty I'm willing to take."

"What do you want?"

"To stay up here and talk you. Forever and ever! Or until Microsoft 2006 comes out. Whichever is sooner."

Draco leaned back and folded his arms. "Never."

"Then I'll do it."

"You won't."

"I will."

"You don't have the guts."

"No. But I have the steel!"

Clippit hopped forward and pressed the button. The screen went completely black. Draco tried to turn it back on again. It didn't work.

"Oh."