Sisters; Can't Live With Them, Can't Prank Without Them

This beginning

Hello. My name's Joseph Bower and I'm- No. That's not how you're supposed to do it, is it? Start with some words of wisdom, she said. Define words of wisdom, I said. She laughed. Nothing Gregory says. Lione is so much better at this than me. Which is, if you ask me, completely unfair.

I don't get it. I'm the one with the wonderful memory. Ask me any question and I will tell you with so many correct details you'd be amazed. That's how I do so well at History of Magic. It's my best subject, aside from Astronomy of course. But you would be good at Astronomy if your dad were an astronomer. No one can surpass me in those two subjects, but Lione beats me in everything else. How can she be so smart? It's just not fair.

And look at Lucy. No offence but she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. But she beats me at Potions. Can you believe that? Granted Potions isn't my best subject but it's still completely triple O. Out of order. How can Lucy Malfoy beat me at Potions? How?

And charms. I can't stand charms. It's so aggravating! I know exactly how to wave the wand. I remember every little flick down to the last detail. No one remembers the exact pronunciation of the spells as well as me. Yet Gregory still beats me. Gregory! It's not fair.

You know another thing that's not fair? I'm Muggle-born. My three best friends, Lione Davies, Lucy Malfoy and Gregory Weasley, all come from Wizarding families and I don't. Both my parents are Muggles. I wouldn't mind it normally but it's just the way the others rub it in my face. Lione proudly boasting her one Muggle Grandma. Gregory stating that his family have always respected Muggles and their rights. As if they're a species! Lucy going on about how her family hated people like me.

"But I don't of course."

Sometimes I just hate them.

But at least I get to appreciate Hogwarts for it's true parentless value. At any moment Lucy's, Lione's or Gregory's parents can drop by for a visit during term time. My parents don't even own an owl. Plus Lucy has to put up with her older brother. I get to spend ten glorious months away from my sisters. Not that that's always a good thing. I love my baby sister Caitlyn. It's Melanie I can't stand. She's only a year younger than me and she thinks she's queen of the world. You have no idea how glad I am to get away from her every year.

But I'm getting bogged down with facts here. Do you think that's a good enough introduction to this story? To me? The thing I'm going to tell you about is my second year at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. Lione handled the first, Lucy's bagged the third but for now, it's my turn.

It was July 2018. We were all on summer holidays. I woke up to see a large pair of yellow eyes. I wasn't shocked, it was only an owl. White with brown speckles, that meant it was Lione's. I took the letter attached to its claw and the bird flew away.

Someone once said 'It's good to be a lunatic'. The same man also said 'Hit me with your Rhythm stick' but that was only to be expected.

Kettle

I wasn't shocked about that either; Lione had been sending me cryptic notes like that all summer. Kettle is Lione's nickname by the way. If you met her it would make more sense then I could possibly hope to tell you here. We all have nicknames. Gregory's is Asher because he had fiery red hair and Ash equals fire. Lucy is Air-Jet because she talks a lot. I'm Starsy because there was another prankster years ago called Moony and I know tons about astronomy so it's a play off both.

"Joseph! Breakfast!"

That was my mum calling. She was a librarian, which means she hardly ever worked. Have you ever noticed a library to be open when you need to get a book out? They never are.

Breakfast in my house consisted of squabbling over the pop tarts and a race to see who could get to the toaster first. Usually my dad won but he was in America on business. While Melanie and I tried to wrench the box of chocolate and marshmallow away from each other, Mum brought the post in.

She handed a small mountain of postcards to Mel. Melanie was the head of a small following of eleven-year-olds who took the traditional 'Let's stay in contact' said on year six leaver's day, far too seriously. I didn't get any letters. Why would any of my friends use the postal system? My sister sat there sorting the cards in to three piles; keep, reply and burn this just in case the spirit of this loser comes back to haunt me. Whenever my letters from my friends used to be accidentally handed to her (back before all my friends had post owls), they used to go in this pile. I always got the sense that Melanie wanted to put me in that pile as well.

Melanie paused what she was going and smiled at me. I always got deeply suspicious when she smiled at me like that.

"Ooh look," she said deliberately. "A brown letter with green ink writing. I wonder whom it could be from? Hmm. Oh yes! Hogwarts. Your wizard school, Joseph. Term begins first of September. Wow, that is interesting. And look at all these books!"

I gave her a look that I hoped said 'Don't be so silly you stupid girl' and held out my hand. "All right," I said, "Ha ha. Give me my letter, Melanie."

She turned the envelope over and appeared to read the address for the first time. "Oh yes," she said, "Silly me. This letter's for you."

She handed it over. I took it gratefully and began to read it. I glanced up at my younger sister nervously, she was still grinning. I didn't like it. Very delicately, from behind a wad of postcards depicting a dozen different beaches that all looked the same to me except with the umbrellas in different places, she took out another letter. It was brown and the name was written in green ink. Miss Melanie Bower.

"But this one's for me," she smirked.

I dropped my letter and stared at her, dumbfounded, for a minute before crying,

"No fair! Mum!"

"Yes," Mum sighed.

"Melanie got accepted in to Hogwarts! She can't go, that's my school. It's not fair. Tell her she can't go, mum."

My mother, however, was less than forthcoming.

"Oh congratulations, Melanie!" she exclaimed, giving my sister a hug. "Well look at that, a witch and a wizard in a family of... what did you call it, Joseph?"

"Muggles. Non-magic folk."

"A family of Muggles," finished mum, "Well this definitely raises my hopes for Caitlyn."

I stared at the two of them. Great, I thought women sticking together.

"But it's not fair," I protested. "I'm the magic guy around here, not her."

Mum ignored me, she was reading Melanie's letter with a lot more attention then she had read mine.

"Send your owl," she read, "Joseph, do you know where we can get an owl?"

"Well Lione sent me a letter this morning and her owl is still upstairs," I replied without thinking.

I instantly regretted saying that as mum went upstairs to fetch him. I glared at Mel.

"You are not going to this school," I informed her.

"That's strange," she retorted, "Because I am."

"You wait."

***

Melanie and Mum went to Diagon Alley that afternoon. I had to stay home and baby sit Caitlyn. They promised to get my books for me. Have I told you about Caitlyn? She's my absolutely adorable baby sister. Back then she was just seven. She had blue eyes and hair so blond it was almost white. And she adored me. I almost got flattened when I returned from my first year of Hogwarts she pounced on me. She is also very smart. When I got my first letter she was at that stage where she believed in magic and princes coming to rescue her. True I was always encouraging her by playing make believe games with her where I battled dragons and armies to save her from the tower (my bunk bed). I know saying I played these games with my baby sister doesn't look good on me but I don't care, Caitlyn was just adorable. When I got the letter she proudly declared that she knew magic was true 'So there, Melanie'. Melanie didn't share my devotion to Caitlyn. We took Caitlyn to Diagon Alley and she ran riot. She said hello to everybody she saw and squealed with delight every time she saw someone who looked like the characters from her story books. Baring in mind where we were you can imagine how often she did this. By the time we found her again she had gained a new hat several sizes too large for her. We never discovered who gave it to her.

Seeing the wizard world solidified her belief in the unknown. She was now willing to accept anything and nothing could dissuade her otherwise. If wizards could exist why couldn't Father Christmas/ The Tooth fairy/ UFO's? There were some films we had to completely ban her from seeing just in case she took them too seriously. We had to tell her three times a day that people weren't supposed to know that her big brother was a mythical being (wizard... in case you didn't get that). Luckily most people don't believe the things seven-year-old children assure you are true. By the time they got on to the 'Rosie Brian - Magic girl' stories at her school she was scoffing and saying, "Witches aren't anything like that".

Magic turned in to a small obsession with her. She went to every fancy dress party as a witch (wearing the large hat that was given to her), she wrote stories about witches and wizards in creative writing time and she brought home a dozen pictures of me in my school uniform and her in her hat. I pinned them all on my wall of course. It was all mum could do to stop her from going up to perfect strangers, grinning at them and saying, "I know who you are". I swear she put someone in an institution for all the paranoia she's caused. Then again I always thought it was funny to see the people quiver. Maybe Gregory was rubbing off on me...

Then again, I don't think it was entirely good idea to take Caitlyn to the pier that day, especially since 'Wazo the Wagnificent' was putting on a magic appearance that day. I could have taken her to the park, I even could have taken her to the beach right near our house, but no, I took her to the pier. It was fine at first, there were some pretty good tricks for a children's entertainer. Sent things soaring through the air with a flick of his wand, changed the colour of a girl's hair band, impressive - if you didn't know they were only a trick with mirrors and things. My favourite was when he got out one of those tall black hats that magicians always have, and pulled three eggs out of it. But that's not the best bit. He put the hat in to 'The Magic Box', said a few words, and when he opened the box there was no hat and only a rabbit. I don't impress easily but that was positively grandiose. That means Impressive, look it up in the dictionary. Like me. Yes, you're talking to the only person who carried a thesaurus around with them at all times. It came quite in useful actually; we managed to save Lione the year before by throwing it at some creepy guy. But anyway, I couldn't help being curious so at the end of the show I got up and inspected his table to see how he did it. Unfortunately, I took my eyes off Caitlyn to do so. I was just taking a look at the underside of the table when,

"What house were you in?"

Before I could even jerk my head up to wince at her I heard the answer.

"Slytherin."

I stared.

Wazo the Wagnificent appeared to regret saying that.

"Oops," he said, "I wasn't supposed to say that. Stay still."

He reached behind him and pulled out his wand. Quick as Gregory, I rushed over there, scooped Caitlyn in to my arms and grabbed the Magician's hand in a handshake.

"Nice to meet you," I hurried out, "Adored the show, truly magnificent. Or should I say Wagnificent? Ha ha! I'm Joseph Bower by the way and this is my sister, Caitlyn. Gryffindor."

Wazo appeared confused. "She's a Gryffindor?"

I stared again. I had no idea what I'd just said. I was vaguely aware of an extremely fake laugh but the rest had simply been said in an effort to save my sister from whatever this guy was going to do with his wand. I mentally rewound the conversation and played it again.

"No," I laughed, more relieved than amused. "I'm the Gryffindor. First year. Well second year when I go back, obviously. If I was a first year I wouldn't know my house, would I?" Oh no, was I turning in to Lucy now? I shook his hand again in a desperate attempt at another try. "Joseph Bower."

The fact that I'd already told him this didn't seem to bother him. "Vincent Crabbe," he said, "I mean, Wazo the Wagnificent of course. Not Crabbe at all."

He looked like he was going to go for his wand again so I made a quick exit.

"Well very nice meeting you Mr Crabbe- I mean Mr Wagnificent. By the way, have you ever considered being Wazo the Wondrous? No? Oh well, toodles."

***

It was later that afternoon and I was in the kitchen doing my homework. Caitlyn was in the other room watching cartoons. Normally I wouldn't have taken my eyes off her but I knew she wouldn't get out of that armchair until 'Scooby Doo's new adventures' was over. Generally I sat with her until she started yelling at the TV,

"It's Old man Willers! He's the masked man!"

Then I slipped out. I heard the front door slam and my Mum wandered in to the kitchen carrying a dozen paper bags.

"When are these people going to introduce Internet shopping?" she asked, "That place was choc-a-block with parents shopping for Hogwarts. I could barely get in to Flourish and Blotts it was so crowded."

"Everyone goes on the day they get their letter," I told her, "You should have gone a week later and it would have been much less crowded. Especially since everyone would have been at the Quidditch world cup."

I said this with a bit of resentment. Through all the contacts the others' parents had they'd all managed to score tickets to the final in France. Lione's mother owned a Quidditch ground, Joseph's mother was a retired Quidditch player and Lucy's parents were so well off she had seen it all from the top box. All of them had (apparently) tried hard as they could but none could manage to get me a ticket. Italy won by the way.

"Lione never goes on the day she gets her letter. In fact if we had gone on Thursday we would have met up with her and her family."

"We couldn't have gone then anyway," said Mum, "I work on Thursdays."

She actually does work? Amazing. I thought she stood around chatting with her other librarian friends all day finding out how well their children are doing at Muggle comprehensive schools, storing up the information to tell me later. Or maybe this is how my mother defines 'Work'.

At that moment an almightily shriek rattled through the house. I recognised that sound for a specific reason, it happened every morning at breakfast at Hogwarts. Plus I'd heard it on a dozen nature shows. Tyto alba.

My mouth dropped open. "You bought an owl!"

"Correction," said Melanie coming in carrying a large cage containing a small dark owl. "She bought me an owl. But I might let you borrow her if you're nice to me." Her smile was a reprise of the one she'd worn earlier that morning. "And you pay me."

"How could you do that, Mum? You know how bad she is with animals. Remember the fish?"

"Hey, they must have had some sort of disease when I got them."

"Even sick fish last longer than half an hour."

"It was more then half an- you know, you're right."

"Plants wilt around her, Mum!"

"Joseph, don't talk about your sister like that."

"But it's true! Remember Grandma's spider plant?"

"So I was wearing a little too much perfume that day. I was eight, I didn't know better."

I started counting on my fingers. "She's irresponsible, absentminded, careless, and she knows nothing about birds."

"Now that's not true," Melanie jumped in, "Tyto tenebricosa or the sooty owl. Also known as the Dusky Barn owl or Black owl. It is originally from the southern Australian rainforests but this one was born, bred and trained in the UK. There."

She stuck her tongue out at me. I gaped at her.

"Look at her, Mum! How could you be so idiotic to put a living creature anywhere near someone as childish as her? It's imbecilic."

"Joseph Oliver Bower," Mum snapped, "I will not have you speak to me that way. Go to your room."

"But-"

"NOW!!"

As I stomped upstairs to my room I could feel Melanie grin in to the back of my head. I know it was rather childish but my first act once I reached the landing was to march in to the bathroom and steal Melanie's box of contact lenses. Melanie hated having glasses and has worn contacts as long as she could, so stealing her contacts, thus forcing her to wear glasses, might be a good act of revenge. Trouble was she had another, already opened box.

Sending me to my room wasn't all that big a punishment. I had a TV in there. I turned it on and the news came up.

Police searching for missing eight-year-old Helen Gosley have found the spot where they believe the girl was taken from. There are signs of disturbance and there is a shoe with the child's name in the sole. Due to this scene's remarkable resemblance to the place where police believe seven-year-old Ainsley Font was grabbed six weeks ago, the Police are linking the two kidnappings. The search for Ainsley ended with the discovery of his body in a field in Norwich with a large green, glowing, holographic skull floating in the sky. We can only pray that little Helen will not come to the same fate.