A Cat Called Wesley

HERMIONE: Hello, mate.

VOICE: Hello.

HERMIONE: (freezes) What did you say?

VOICE: I said Hello.

HERMIONE: This is amazing. (Holds hand out)

VOICE: (waves hand away) Get off will ya! I don't want physical contact right now, thank you.

HERMIONE: Harry! Ron! Get in here.

HARRY: (rushing in) What is it?

RON: (sneaking in with his hand covering his eyes) Hee hee! We're going into the girl's dormitories. Watch out ladies. Get some clothes on... or not, you choice.

HERMIONE: Harry, Crookshanks just spoke to me.

HARRY: What!?

RON: Wow! You guys get a pink lampshade.

CROOKSHANKS: Well of course I spoke, just because we don't lower ourselves to the level of talking to you... people doesn't mean we Cats can't talk.

HARRY: Then why do you talk now?

CROOKSHANKS: Because I'm fed up with the situation and it's time we made a few changes.

RON: And pink curtains! This is so cool.

CROOKSHANKS: First, (takes out long list, puts on miniature pair of reading glasses).

HERMIONE: (taking the glasses) Awww! They're so sweet! (Baby talk) look at de tiny little glasses!

CROOKSHANKS: (snatching them back) Stop that. You see, this is what I'm talking about! There will be no more of this baby talk nonsense. I am not an 'ickle sweetums' and I refuse to be addressed in that disrespectful manner! Felines are higher beings and it's about time you start acting like it.

RON: Wow! You get a mirror in here?

HARRY: Why should we listen to you? You're just a cat, no matter what you think. We are witches and wizards; we don't need to do anything you say.

CROOKSHANKS: Oh yes you do.

HERMIONE: Why?

CROOKSHANKS: Because I know what each of you get up to when the other isn't looking. Like that little game Harry played when he came in here one day when you were out. You know, the one involving-

HARRY: I don't think we need to hear that.

HERMIONE: (smiling) Why? What's wrong about a simple little game?

HARRY: Nothing, I just don't think it's very interesting. I'm sure we could talk about other things - look! A koala!

RON: (picks up Pavati's stuffed Koala) This is so cute! I want it.

CROOKSHANKS: Yes, lets talk about something else. How about... Eric.

Hermione turns pink.

HARRY: Who's Eric?

HERMIONE: Okay, Crookshanks, what do you want?

CROOKSHANKS: Well for one thing I don't think that a fine male specimen of the highest species on earth should have such a name as 'Crookshanks'. It really turns off the ladies.

HERMIONE: But that's what you were called when I bought you...

CROOKSHANKS: Yes and I could cope with it from that lady but you, with your high, squeaky voice. You really emphasise the 'shanks'. I don't like that. Makes me sound like some common... human. No, from now on you must call me... Wesley!

RON: (glancing up) Did he say Weasley?

HARRY: No, Wesley.

RON: Okay.

HERMIONE: Hey! Keep out of my underwear drawer.

RON: But it's so frilly...

HARRY: Okay, okay, you'll be Wesley from now on. We'll make sure everyone knows. Now about this guy Eric-

WESLEY: That's only the beginning!

HARRY: You mean there are other guys?

WESLEY: No! You haven't heard my other demands.

HERMIONE: What else could you want?

WESLEY: Oh now it all comes out! Just because I'm a cat means all I want is a piece of string, a rubber mouse and some fish is it?

HERMIONE: No, I didn't mean it like that! Just, please tell us your other demands.

WESLEY: (takes out list and miniature reading glasses and clears throat authoritatively) I want a good litter box, you people don't have to hide behind a bush when you want to drop a load and neither will I.

HARRY: I think we can deal with that.

WESLEY: That's not all!

HARRY: Oh it's not.

RON: (bouncing up and down on Hermione's bed) Your beds are far more squidgier than ours.

WESLEY: No more of this tinned food malarkey, I want what you eat, where and when you eat. I want to be able to stare at anything I like and I don't want a collar. Not even a flea collar. I like scratching. It feels so good against my skin...

Harry and Hermione stare.

WESLEY: Er hum. Yes.

HERMIONE: Well I'm sure we could arrange all that.

WESLEY: And I want to be able to scratch the furniture.

HERMIONE: Well that's a bit too far. My parents will not stand you destroying all the chairs just because you want to-

WESLEY: And I want a date.

HERMIONE: I beg your pardon!

RON: And your ceiling is so much prettier than ours.

WESLEY: I want a date, with Marjorie.

HARRY: Who?

WESLEY: Marjorie. The cat that owns Susan Bones.

HERMIONE: Oh, you mean Tiddles!

WESLEY: She prefers to be called Marjorie, thank you very much! And I want to date her. Arrange that for me.

HERMIONE: No offence Croo-

WESLEY: Wesley!!

HERMIONE: Wesley. But I can't go around improving your love life.

WESLEY: Fine then! I'm sure Krum will be soooo interested to here about Eric.

HARRY: I'm interested!

WESLEY: (stalking out the door) And while I'm there I'll tell Cho about your underwear dance.

Harry and Hermione stare as Wesley leaves the room. Ron comes over to stand with his friends.

RON: (smiling, then frowning) Did that cat talk?