Insert Witty Title Here

Voldemort stared down at his victim. "YOU WILL PERISH!" he screamed as the poor thing cowered, unable to so much as attempt to beg for life, "NOW DIE, YOU PIG!" Voldemort shot a powerful dark shimmering magical death beam onto his victim and grinned as it started writhing and squealing on the floor of Voldemort's kitchen. The Dark Lord began to frown when it stopped moving. The charred body at his feet didn't satisfy him and he couldn't figure out why. He nudged it with the pointy toe of his shiny black boot and grimaced when the skin cracked open and a clear pus-like fluid poured out.

"FRANKYYYYYYY! It didn't give me what I wanted!!" Voldemort whined. The pale ghost butler appeared and groaned when he saw the mess at Voldy's feet.

"Did you expect the beast to just cut open its own stomach for you, master?" Francis asked.

"EEEEWWWW! That stuff comes from inside its tummy?!?! Never mind I don't want bacon anymore!"

_-+~*~*~*~+-_

"Voila! Here is one homemade lunch for my sweet and sexy Arabella."

"Sweetheart, it looks scrumptious! Ohhhh! BLT's...without...bacon."

"Yes my dear...I like to call them LT's. They really are much better you know. I like them with lots of mayonnaise...Yes, lots and um lots of mayonnaise."

"Well, dear, they are lovely."

"Thank you, love, but they are not nearly as lovely as you."

This darling little conversation was followed by some heavy, heated, passionate kissing, and well, use your imagination for what followed this kissing.

_-+~*~*~*~+-_

"So you are going to apologize to Harrykins today?" Arabella asked.

"Yupperoos! Once I finish folding my boxers (the ones with the former Dark Mark, but now the Wonderful Happy Mark Goodness) and spraying them with Febreeze, we are going to take a trip to good old Hogwarts. Harry, his buddies, and I'll have a nice long talk full of tears, hope for the future, a little bit of angst, smileses, laughterses, and many hugses...my preeecious. And after that we'll go to the Ministry dudes and eat bugs--I mean explain how I'm now good and all." Voldemort replied.

"Oh goody!"

"I know! I can hardly survive the wait....only three more pairs of boxers to go!"

Time quickly passed, and Voldy and Arabella sat there admiring Voldy's work.

Voldemort broke the silence with, "Y'know...I really like this Febreeze stuff you gave me, ma chére. It smells sooooo much better than the stuff that comes out of my wand when I use the freshsmellingpantiesiosa charm...heh." Voldemort paused, brought the spray bottle up to his nose, and while spraying it upwards into his nostrils, breathed in strongly. "Ahhhhhh," he sighed, "Hee. Hee hee. Green is...is...is...PRETTY!" He burst out laughing at his joke.

Arabella Figg slowly shook her head. "Um. Um. Voldykins...maybe we should save your apologies for another day."

"NONSENSE! I WILL BE LEAVING IMMEDIATELY OR MY NAME ISN'T THE GREAT ARGUS GRANGERYPOTTWEAS...THING!" After screaming this at the top of his formerly evil lungs, he collapsed onto his neat, febreezy boxers and slept.