Insert Witty Title Here

"It's been so long!" Voldemort sighed. He grinned to himself. It was the small things like sighing that he had missed more than anything else during his time...away. He sighed again, but this time just to feel his warm, moist breath leave his body into the surrounding air. Then he waved his arms--real arms!-- about his spacious room, giggled, jumped up and down, squeezed his teddy Mr. Fluffykinkins so hard its head popped off, and flopped down onto his racecar (did you know that racecar backwards is still racecar? Voldemort giggled (again) in delight at the thought) bed. It was so super fantabulous uber-licious special good to exist again!

He attempted to sigh again, but unfortunately he could no longer complete the action without bursting out in laughter. "Stop laughing," The Great Lord Voldemort told himself sternly, "you need to sigh in order to fully show the extent of your angst!" He sighed when he realized that his body probably wouldn't obey his command, and then laughed when he realized it just did.

"Now, what is on our to-do list today?" Voldemort picked up his Hello Kitty diary and flipped to today's page. "Ah yes, I must disband all of my death eaters and apologize to Harry Potter." He imagined his followers' faces as he told them his news, and couldn't help but giggle. "They will be so shocked," he thought with a smirk, "Well, it serves them right for being such evil bastards. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't fallen in love with Arabella Figg, who convinced me to turn to the side of special goodness --" Voldemort gasped, and his mouth twisted into a sexy pout at the thought, "Oh no! I might STILL be an evil bastard!"

He stretched, threw on his dragon-leather cape, and walked purposefully out the door. He ignored Wormtail (who had been waiting anxiously outside Voldemort's chamber door to see his master's sweet face), and summoned his followers--after he covered up his leftover breakfast of Wizard Charms cereal, of course. Oh yeah, and magicked a table full of cute and evil goody bags into the room.

Before I continue with our exciting plot, allow me to digress and explain what exactly is in those amazing goody bags. In each bag, there were several ink pens with big pink fluffy feathery thingies on top. There were miniature bottles of nail polish as well as personal little manicure sets. There were also little tiny Hello Kitty Notepads to write down their deepest darkest secrets and their nail appointments. There were also little mirrors they could carry around in purses and mini bottles of lotion with extra tight seals on the caps (to avoid messies in pursies). Oh yeah, and big bags of puppy chow. (NOT dog food. Puppy chow is this great invention some of us piggish Americans enjoy eating. It is basically Chex cereal (or some off brand variant) covered in a mixture of melted chocolate and melted peanut butter, and then covered in powdered sugar. Hell, I'll be nice and just give you the recipe:

Ingredients:

1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1/2 cup peanut butter
1 package (6 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips (1 cup)
1/4 cup margarine or butter*
9 cups Chex® cereal (any variety)

Directions:

Measure cereal into large bowl; set aside. Microwave chocolate chips, peanut butter and margarine in 1-quart microwavable bowl, uncovered on High 1 minute; stir. Microwave 30 seconds longer or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Stir in vanilla. Pour chocolate mixture over cereal in bowl, stirring until evenly coated. Pour into large plastic food-storage bag; add powdered sugar. Seal bag; shake until well coated. Spread on waxed paper to cool. Store in airtight container in refrigerator. 9 cups snack.

*Do not use spread or tub products.

Important: Because microwaves cook differently, time is approximate.

Range Top Directions: Measure cereal into large bowl; set aside. Heat chocolate chips, peanut butter and margarine in 1-quart saucepan over low heat, stirring frequently, until melted. Remove from heat; stir in vanilla. Continue as directed above.)

As The Great Voldy-ness watched and waited for each death eater to appear around him, he let his mind wander. At first he thought about how ugly his followers (so that's why they didn't get REAL lives! They were too embarrassed about their looks! The hoods WERE an improvement) were, but eventually his thoughts wandered to their favorite subject--his sweet Arabella. They had started out as owlpals, and their relationship had taken off swiftly. He remembered her face when they finally met in person. She was so frightened, devastated, and shocked when she discovered his true identity. By then he had been so in love with her, it broke what was left of his heart to see her disappointed in him and immediately changed his ways. He knew she was in love with him too when she finally truly smiled at him. That smile swept up the pieces of his heart and glued them back together. He saw that smile often now. Voldemort loved everything about that woman--especially her sense of humor. He grinned and had to suppress a giggle as he remembered his joy in the discovery that she too had an incredibly dirty gutter-y mind, and remembered all of the dirty jokes they had shared. Meanwhile, as the death eaters examined their master, they just assumed he was happily remembering some murder or act of torture that he found extra special joy in.

A sudden wheezing cough brought him back to the present. "Stupid Draco's Daddy, bad fake cougher," Voldemort thought, "Hopefully, this won't take too long." "My loyal followers...Just called you to let you know that I'm not evil anymore so you will all need to find new jobs and I'm sorry it's such short notice but I have rediscovered love and advise you to do the same and, uhhh, grab a goody bag on your way out." At the closing of his brief speech, several of the death eaters sighed, grumbled a few incoherent words and disapparated (after grabbing Voldy's goody bags, of course!). Some walked over to the table to the goody bag table and small talked, mostly about the lack of job security, and left as well. But that still left the few who were not satisfied with this sudden turn of events.

"Great and Uber-Awesome lord Voldemort, surely you must be joking!" cried that shady Draco's daddy character.

"THE GREAT LORD VOLDEMORT NEVER 'JOKES'!! NOW YOU SHALL PAY, YOU IGNORANT FOOL!!!" Draco's daddy's face paled "AVADA--hee hee GOTCHA! But I was quite sirius about y'all leaving now."

"Who can argue with that? Let's go guys." They took a few minutes to choose the prettiest goody bags, and disapparated with a loud *pop*. Wormtail was the only one left. He was alone with Voldemort. And what was Wormtail thinking? Let's find out.

What's this? How could he do this to me? I trusted him. I am a strong and charismatic guy...maybe I could just call up all them and be their new leader...No, as long as HE is alive that will never work...Maybe I could just sort of sneak up on him and use the Avada Kedavra on him...Yes, that is what I will do!

He might have gotten away with it too. Unfortunately, just as he worked up enough courage to commit this final act of betrayal, Voldemort (poking a button he hadn't known about with the tip of his wand) accidentally caused a large and heavy chandelier to collapse onto Wormtail's body. Yup, a chandelier squished him flat. Talk about bad karma, eh?

The Dark and Most Powerful Former Lord glanced back at what used to be his most loyal minion. "Enh...his attitude was dragging both our ratings down anyways," he said to no one.

~1~