Blackadder II-Twins

Blackadder II-Twins

"For your History of Magic essay," wheezed Professor Binns, stopping for breath and hovering a few inches from the floor. He looked down disdainfully at the collected bunch of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff 7^th years, who were all in various states of boredom around the classroom. It ranged from the over-tired Angelina Johnson, who as Head Girl thought it was only right for her to try and listen in lessons and was trying to take notes, but due to extensive Quidditch practices on top of Head Girl duties and N.E.W.T.S studying, kept letting her eyes close for a few moments every couple of minutes and would miss important points, to the obvious lack of attention by the Weasley twins, who were sitting together trying to work out how many Pepper Imps they could get in a recently-Transfigured pigeon's throat before its tongue caught fire. Several students were obviously asleep, others were gazing dreamily out of the window, whilst the remaining students were either catching up on homework, passing notes to their friends, or in Lee Jordan's case, watching the twins' antics intently from across the room. Professor Binns cleared his throat, looked at Angelina and said,

"Miss...erm..."

"Johnson, Professor," said Angelina, stifling a yawn.

"Ah yes, well Miss Jones, please can you throw that chair over there against the wall to get the students' attention?" He indicated a broken chair next to the blackboard. Angelina looked slightly stunned, then shrugged and picked up the chair. She threw it against the wall, which smashed it into several splinter-filled wooden pieces, making the entire class jump and suddenly swivel their heads to the front.

"Thank you Miss James. You may return to your seat." Professor Binns gave a wheezy cough and began again in the same toneless drone.

"Now that I have your attention, I have some important information. You will be required to write an essay on a particular era of magical history as part of your N.E.W.T.S studies. I shall expect all of these essays in two weeks from now. I shall allow you to work in partners, but if you choose to work individually there is a minimum of six rolls of parchment. Otherwise, twelve rolls. No excuses."

As the bell sounded for lunch, the class made their way to the door and down towards the Great Hall.

"An essay!" groaned Fred, wandering down the corridors, looking for a window large enough to release their bird, who was now beginning to cough up violent red sparks that kept burning the back of his hand.

"What era are we going to do? Oh, there's one Fred," said George, pointing towards a large open window at the far end of the corridor. The two boys headed towards it, still complaining bitterly about their essays. Fred leant against the windowsill and pushed the bird off his hand. The pigeon flew off into the sky, coughing up small bursts of flame every now and then. The twins watched the bird for a few moments, as it landed in the nearest tree and they noticed smoke beginning to rise from its branches.

"C'mon, let's go and get some lunch," said Fred quickly, and the pair of them hurried away before they could be accused of "fire damage to school grounds."

That evening in the common room, instead of their usual jokes or Weasley Wizard Wheezes planning, the Weasley twins sidled over to Hermione, who was trying to do a particularly difficult Ancient Runes translation.

"Hermione," began Fred.

"I'm trying to work," said Hermione testily. "If you have something important to tell me, say it quickly. If not, go away."

"All right, all right, keep your hair on," said George soothingly, making Hermione glare at him. "We just want a favour, that's all."

"What kind of favour?" said Hermione suspiciously.

"Well, are you any good at essays?" asked Fred. Hermione raised her eyebrows at him. "OK, OK, stupid question," he said hurriedly. "Anyway, how do you fancy...."

"Helping us with ours?" finished George. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"You mean write the entire thing for you I presume?" The twins looked guiltily at each other.

"Well..."

"Not exactly..."

"I mean we'd do some work..."

"The answer is no," said Hermione flatly. "I have enough work to do as it is, with O.W.L.S coming up. Besides, it's your essay. You have to do it."

The twins glowered at her.

"Well, will you at least tell us a bit about magical history?" asked Fred.

"What's the best era of it for us to do?" added George. Hermione's expression instantly changed to one of supreme excitement.

"Well, the Victorian era was very interesting I have to say, then of course there was the Stuart reign, that was fascinating in terms of wizarding studies..."

"Yeah, but which was the best? Had the most information?" cut in George. Hermione screwed up her nose and thought deeply.

"Personally, I would suggest the Tudor era. Elizabethan in particular. That had some absolutely thrilling history. Many believe that Elizabeth..."

"Yes yes, all right," groaned George, wondering why on earth they had asked Hermione's opinion in the first place. "You know you can get Portkeys that take you to another place?"

"Yes," replied Hermione, an air of suspicion returning to her face.

"Well, can you get one that can take you to another and another time?" asked Fred, realising his brother's plan.

"You mean.... You two travel back to the Elizabethan era?" said Hermione, looking shocked. "I suppose it's possible, but you have to get Professor McGonagall's permission first of course. She has a Time Turner, which you'd need to borrow of course, and you'd need some kind of programmed Portkey,"

"Yeah, thanks Hermione," called out Fred, as he and George headed for the portrait hole to McGonagall's office.

Professor McGonagall stared in horror at the twins as they gave her pleading looks across her desk.

"You want me to allow you two to travel back in time four centuries?!" she gasped.

"It's really REALLY important, Professor," replied George.

"It'll count towards our overall N.E.W.T.S mark," added Fred. Professor McGonagall sighed. Although the Weasley twins were still a pair of immature trouble-makers, this was the first time she'd ever seen either of them take a real interest in their schoolwork. The last thing she wanted was to flatten their sudden burst of enthusiasm.

"I'll send an owl to the Ministry of Magic, asking their permission. If they approve, I will ask Professor Flitwick to charm a Portkey so that it can also be a TimeTurnerPortkey. I'm not promising anything though."

"Cheers McGonagall...I mean, thank you Professor," said George quickly, as Professor McGonagall's nostrils flared dangerously. The twins headed towards the door, but Professor McGonagall held up a hand which made them stop in their tracks.

"Wait a minute. I'm willing to do this on four conditions." The twins looked nervously at each other. "First, you both go immediately and write those Advanced Transfiguration essays that I have been asking the pair of you about for a week. And I mean write, not copy anybody else's." The twins looked slightly annoyed at the prospect of writing another essay, but simply nodded with a "Yes, Professor."

"Secondly, I want your solemn promises that you will NOT get up to ANY kind of trouble whilst back in time. I will of course also owl your parents to get permission, but if I find records in my spell books of you two misbehaving, I will be dealing with the consequences most severely." She looked sternly at both boys, who both mumbled "Yes, Professor," again.

"Thirdly, you will of course be accompanied. I am certain that there is only one member of the staff that I would consider... suitable to look after you."

"To keep us in control, you mean," muttered Fred, looking annoyed at the fact that Professor McGonagall still failed to trust them.

"Quite, Mr. Weasley," replied Professor McGonagall. She had a sneaky smile on her face that immediately made the twins feel uneasy.

"Hang on..."

"You're not saying..."

"Snape?!" said the boys in horror together. Professor McGonagall frowned.

"Professor Snape to you two," she snapped. "Yes, I believe he may be the only suitable candidate. He's certainly the only person able to control you two. And finally," she went on hurriedly before the Weasleys could say a word (which was probably a good thing,) "you both go down immediately to Mr. Filch and apologise for the damage you caused to the tree that was set alight to this afternoon. And don't start trying to pretend you were innocent," she said in a raised voices over the twins' indignant cries. "I know perfectly well that it involved a fire-spitting pigeon, which of course cannot be anyone else in this school since you two were the only pair not to return your pigeon after my lesson this morning." The twins looked disappointed at having to go and grovel at the feet of one of their arch-enemies over the years, but both gave a slight nod to show they agreed.

"Excellent," said Professor McGonagall. "Now, back to the common room please boys. I want both of your essays in before the first lesson tomorrow morning. Come back to my office tomorrow evening and I will let you know the Ministry's reply."

Three days later Professor McGonagall looked anxiously at the two grinning boys and a very unhappy Snape.

"You will be careful, won't you?" she said, almost as though she was their mother.

"Yes Professor," replied the twins together. Both were holding a dirty ale mug and were dressed in identical green tights, white ruffs and green and black Tudor-style jackets. Snape was in a Tudor-style suit that was entirely black.

"This TimeTurnerPortkey is designed to travel to the court of Queen Elizabeth I. You will stay for a total of five days, when the TimeTurnerPortkey will bring you back to Hogwarts in the current time. You must both be holding onto this ale mug at the correct time, is that clear?"

"Crystal clear Professor," replied Fred, looking excitedly at his twin, who grinned inanely back. Snape rolled his eyes.

"Now remember: NO mischief," said Professor McGonagall, looking more nervous than they twins had ever seen her. "You both know basic Freeze-Flame and Aqua-Lung charms in case of being burnt or drowned..."

"They burnt and drowned people?!" said George in disbelief.

"They certainly did Mr Weasley, which is why you need to be unbelievably careful to avoid all trouble!" snapped Professor McGonagall. "If you get in ANY kind of trouble, find the Leaky Cauldron, which will take you through to Diagon Alley, where you will be able to go to Ye Ministrie o' Magic and lie low until the TimeTurnerPortkey takes you back to Hogwarts." She checked her watch. "It's almost time. Get ready." Both twins clutched the ale mug. Snape, after a final death-glare at McGonagall, also grabbed the handle, clenching it so tightly it turned his knuckles white.

"Thanks for everything, Professor!" called out Fred.

"See you in five days!" cried George as the room began to slide out of focus.

"I will NOT forget this Minerva!" shouted Snape as the trio began to fade from the room.

"Goodbye Severus, see you soon!" called out McGonagall sweetly. "And be careful, boys!" she added quickly as the group faded from sight.

************************************************************************

Edmund Blackadder heard a sudden crash outside his door.

"What the hell was that?!" he shouted, jumping up from his chair.

"Maybe it was a ghost, coming to haunt us from beyond the grave!" cried Lord Percy, running to the other side of the room.

"Don't be such a twit Percy, it's probably just some drunk," groaned Edmund. "Baldrick, go and see what it is."

"But...sir, it might be something from the gutter! I've heard things that live there are really nasty and horrible! They strike fear into the hearts of little children!" said Baldrick.

"Well you're used to that whenever you look in the mirror, aren't you?" retorted Edmund. "Go on, go! Now!" Baldrick ran out of the room to the door as Edmund returned to his seat by the fire.

"Honestly, what a clot. It's hardly going to be anything remotely unusual," he muttered. "Percy, you can come out now," he added, to the shaking green lump he could see behind the other chair. Percy crawled out from behind the chair, looking slightly abashed.

"M Lord, I present, Mr. Weasley, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Snape," said Baldrick, returning into the room followed by the Weasley twins and Snape. All three were covered in mud and dirt and George had a deep cut across one cheek. Unfortunately Professor Flitwick had not quite plotted the exact co-ordinates of their location carefully enough. Instead of landing neatly at the gates of Richmond palace, the three wizards had landed in a crumpled heap outside a Tudor house, slamming into the door as they did so and had finally stopped in a bloodied pile on the cobble stoned street, where Baldrick had found them.

"Oh right, thank you Baldrick," replied Edmund. "So, who are you three then?"

"We've travelled..." began George but Snape pulled a hand over his mouth.

"I am a poor man in search of work to support my family. These are my..." Snape stopped momentarily and inwardly shuddered, as though he dreaded his following words, "my sons. They are both quick-witted, clever and...funny. I would suggest that they make excellent jesters for the Queen. Do you know how to get to the Queen's palace from here?" The Weasley twins stared at their "father" in amazement.

"I do indeed, as I have reason to visit her regularly" replied Edmund.

"He's very close to the Queen, you see," added Percy completely pointlessly.

"So I gathered," said Snape sarcastically to Percy. "So, Mr..."

"Edmund Blackadder," replied Edmund, sitting back down in his chair beside the fire. "I have heard that the Queen is looking for jesters."

"Why didn't you tell me, Edmund?" said Percy, looking hurt. "I've always wanted to be a jester, you know I have!"

"Because Percy, the Queen is looking for a man with great wit, not a moronic twit," sighed Edmund, settling back into his chair. "Very well, I shall escort your boys to the Queen this evening. I am assuming you also wish to attend?"

"If that would be possible," answered Snape silkily. "We have travelled up to London to seek our fortunes you see, and..."

"Yes, yes, all right," interrupted Edmund. "Baldrick, show them the spare room. They can stay there for the night. You never can get rid of these job-seekers, no point in trying to send them away."

"M'Lord, we don't have a spare room," replied Baldrick. Edmund sighed.

"Baldrick, what is the room on the very far side of the house called?"

"My room," answered Baldrick. "It's on the other side because you said you didn't want me anywhere near you when I sleep."

"I did indeed, Baldrick, and what did I say to you when I gave you that room?" Edmund looked into Baldrick's eyes and raised his eyebrows. Baldrick stared aimlessly into space for several minutes. "Oh for goodness sake! I said that it wasn't permanent, you prat of a peasant!" shouted Edmund. "Now take these three up to that room, and move your stuff down into the cellar, all right?" Baldrick gave a wounded look to Edmund, who totally ignored it. He then trudged up the stairs, muttering,

"Come with me, I'll show you where to sleep," to the Weasley twins and Snape. Edmund settled back in his chair as Percy watched the four of them wander up the stairs and out of sight.

"I say Blackadder, that was a bit harsh on little Baldrick," he began.

"Are you offering to give up your room then Percy?" cut in Edmund. Percy suddenly looked slightly sick and hastily changed tack.

"Well, no, I didn't actually mean..."

"Good," replied Edmund, burying himself in a book. "Then shut up."

Coming up in the next chapter- The Weasley twins and Snape meet Queenie, Nursie and Melchy! And a very cunning plan emerges, involving a certain turnip...