The Epically Bad Tale of Hagrid and Fang

The EBT of Hagrid and Fang, with cameos by:

Mantolwen - She-Who-Must-Be-Named (because she's the author)
Seren Quirke - Third Ravenclaw From Left
Fireboltflyer - Hagrid's Extremely Hyper Hair-Dresser Who Annoys Him Greatly
Hagrid 2- Hagrid's long-lost twin sister

Act 1, Scene 1: In which Fang eats

Hagrid: *Wakes up* G'mornin' Fang.

Fang: *drools*

Hagrid: I s'pose ye'll be wantin' yer breckist then?

Fang: *barks*

Hagrid: *makes Fang his breakfast*

Fang: *eats*

Hagrid: Good boy, Fang. Now, where's tha' letter from Olympe again?

Mad and Hairy: *growl* Must destroy... must destroy...

Hagrid: Ah, here it is.

Scene 2: In which Hagrid has visitors

Hagrid: *Finishes reading Maxime's letter*

Mantolwen: Big Bones my a***!

Seren Quirke: *knocks on the door to Hagrid's Hut*

Hagrid: *opens the door* 'Ello girls.

Ravenclaw 1: Good morning, Hagrid.

Seren Quirke: *glares at the other four Ravenclaws*

Ravenclaws 1, 2, 4, 5: *Run away*

Seren Quirke: *Looks back at Hagrid* I bring a message from your fandom.

Hagrid: *grins* Yeah?

Seren Quirke: It seems that you have been receiving messages from one Madam 'beeg bones' Maxime. If you don't stop now, we'll have to reveal a terrifying secret from your past.

Fang: *whimpers*

Hagrid 2: Yeah, and yer know what that'll be?

Hagrid: Wha'?

Hagrid 2: Madam Maxime is... *falls silent*

Mantolwen: Everyone hold your breath...

Seren Quirke: *does a drum roll on the wall of the hut*

Hagrid: Wha'?

Hagrid 2: Grawp's long los' 'alf sister. Jus' like I'm yer long los' twin sister.

Hagrid: *hugs his long lost twin sister*

Hagrid 2: Now, where's fireboltflyer got to? We have a wedding to plan.

Hagrid: Wha'?

Mantolwen: One-track mind, that one.

Hagrid 2: *While her brother isn't paying attention, rips the letter to shreds*

Act 2, scene 1: In which Hagrid and Fang try to escape

Hagrid: Ow!

Fireboltflyer: Three hundred and twenty seven. *Places broken comb into a bin full of broken combs and picks up a new one*

Fang: *growls*

Seren Quirke: As I was saying, we're going to have the boys in sky blue suits and the girls in green...

Fang: *whimpers*

Hagrid: Ow!

Fireboltflyer: Three hundred and twenty eight.

Hagrid: Tha's it, I've had enough! *jumps up*

Hagrid 2: *laughs at Hagrid*

Hagrid: C'mon, Fang.

Mantolwen: *blocks the door* And just where do you think you're going?

Hagrid: Out. *pushes past Mantolwen*

Hagrid 2: *Uses the back door to leave and follow Hagrid*

Fang: *runs off*

Seren Quirke: What are we going to do?

Mad and Hairy: *grin* Come with us! We'll stop him!

Scene 2: In which Hagrid fails to reach Hogsmeade

Hagrid and Fang: *run*

Fang: *whimper*

Catherine: Hello, Rubeus.

Hagrid: *stops dead* Hi, Cath'rine.

Catherine: Where are you going?

Hagrid: I'm escaping from those crazy fangirls!

Catherine: *concerned* What have they done to you?

Hagrid: Jus'... jus' look at me!

Fang: *whimpers*

Hagrid: An' look at Fang. He don' look like he used ter.

Fang: *drools*

Hagrid: Okay, now he does.

Catherine: I think you look almost gorgeous!

Hagrid: What d'you mean, almos'?

Catherine: Well, only half your hair has been combed.

Hagrid: Yeah, an' usin' three hun'red combs ter do it!

Catherine: *is shocked* Well you really should comb your hair every day, you know. Why are they doing it?

Hagrid: Fer a weddin'.

Catherine: Whose?

Hagrid: Mine.

Catherine: *laughs* Oh you are silly, Hagrid. That's our wedding!

Hagrid: Oh.

Fang: *barks*

Fireboltflyer, Mantolwen, Seren Quirke, Hagrid 2: *arrive*

Hagrid 2: I see yer caugh' up with him, Cath'rine. Thanks.

Catherine: *shrugs* It was no trouble. I'll see you at the wedding.

Hagrid: Ow!

Fireboltflyer: Three hundred and twenty nine.

Act 3, Scene 1: In which Hagrid is finally alone, except for Fang.

Hagrid: Ow!

Fireboltflyer: Five hundred and thirty four.

Hagrid: Is this nearly over ye'?

Fireboltflyer: *thinks* Yes, done.

Hagrid: Grea'! Now go away, a'fore I se' Fang on yer!

Fang: *cowers*

Seren Quirke: *laughs*

Mantolwen: Okay, okay, we're goin'!

Hagrid 2: I'll pick yer up 'round seven, okay?

Hagrid: Wha' for?

Hagrid 2: Yer wedding!

Hagrid: Oh yeah!

Fang: *barks*

Fireboltflyer, Seren Quirke, Mantolwen, Hagrid 2: *leave*

Hagrid: Peace at last!

Fang: *drools*

Hagrid: Guess we'd better get ter bed then, Fang.

Fang: *snores*

Hagrid: Nigh', nigh'. *sleeps*

Scene 2: In which Hagrid does not appear

Fireboltflyer: So, who's next?

Mantolwen: *shrugs* I can't write EBTs to save my life!

Hagrid 2: I don' mind. Why don' we all go an' stan' aroun' JK Rowlin's house an' campaign to save Hagrid's life?

Seren Quirke: I can just see it now...

Fireboltflyer: I have to go and sort out Ron's hair for the wedding, bye guys! *disapparates*

Hermione: You can't disapparate or apparate on the grounds of Hogwarts!

Mantolwen: Who's writing this fic? Me or JK Rowling?

Hermione: *disappears in a puff of Logic*

Seren Quirke: I've got an EBT to write. So long! *vanishes*

Hagrid 2: Now ter sort out a girlfrien' for Grawp! *walks away*

Mantolwen: *gives up and vanishes*

Scene 3: In which there is only one line

That pig from Warner Bros: Th-th-th-th-th-th-that's all folks!