Epically Bad Tales Presents: A Day in the Life of Draco Malfoy ...

A Day in the Draco Malfoy, Metrosexual and Git Extraordinaire

Act One, Scene One - Morning Call

Draco : *remvoes his silken eye mask* Heavens.
Crabbe : *gets up* Oh my, I had the most extraordinary dream. I was fighting some loathsome, blonde headed dragon.
Draco : Did you forget your stupid pill again?
Crabbe : Whoops.
Draco *wanders to mirror* ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Crabbe : *drops stupid pill* What?
Draco : I HAVE CIRCLES AND BAGS UNDER MY EYES!
fireboltflyer : CODE GREEN! CODE GREEN!
Cho Malfoy : *runs in with cucumbers and slaps them over Draco's eyes*
Draco : Ah, much better.
Goyle : Do you need your concealer?
Draco : YES! And my powder.

Scene Two - Slytherin Bathroom
Draco : Powder?
fbf : Check.
Draco : Base?
fbf : Check.
Draco : Mascara?
fbf : Check. Do you want rouge today?
Draco : Nah.
Cho Malfoy : *comes in with a blowdryer and a multitude of hair care products* The usual?
Draco : I'm feeling rebellious today. Give me a slight part on the left, will you?
Cho Malfoy : No problem.
fbf and Cho : *begin to prettify Draco*
Draco : This is the life.

Scene Three - The Common Room
Draco : I feel pretty....oh, so pretty.
Fangirls : *squee*
Cedric : *covers his ears* Make the pain go away!
Seren : I told you to wear ear plugs.
Draco : Do I look glam enough?
Pansy : Where's your lipgloss?
fbf : *comes running down* Sorry, sorry!
Draco : S'alright. *applies*
Goyle : *grunts*
Draco : Yes, it's time to make our daily entrance into the Great Hall.

Act Two, Scene One - The Great Hall
Draco : *swaggers*
Pansy : *simpers*
Goyle : *runs into the wall*
Draco : I'm bad! I'm cool!
Fangirls : *squee more*
Cedric : *passes out*
Seren : *sighs and straps him onto her back* Shall we?
Draco : *continues to swagger as sits at the table*
Crabbe : What classes do we have today?
Pansy : Defence, Potions, Charms, and Care of Magical Creatures.
Draco : Remind me why I continue to take this course?
Seren : Because I said so.
Draco : Oh, right.

Act Three, Scene One - Defence Against the Dark Arts
Draco : Who's our Professor again?
Pansy : I don't know, Rowling hasn't told us.
DADA : Hello, class!
Class : Hello, generic character!
DADA : Today we'll be discussing the Patronus Charm. Can anyone tell me what the Patronus charm is?
Hermione : *raises hand*
Draco : What the hell is she doing in this class?
People who have only seen HP movies : You've always been in the same class...
Cedric : It's called reading, you know.
Seren : It wouldn't kill you to crack open the books.
fbf : Seriously.
Draco : *doesn't hear the answer because he's caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror* Beautiful!
DADA : Can anyone here demonstrate it for us?
Harry : EXPECTO PATRONUM!
Patronus : *scampers*
Draco : *screams* Don't let it get near my face!
Crabbe : .... it won't hurt you unless you're a Dementor or a Lethifold.
Draco :...a what?
Crabbe : *sighs*

Scene Two - Potions
Draco : I'm KING OF THE WORLD!
Seren : Wrong script.
Draco : No it's not!
Snape : *sweeps in*
Draco : *smirks*
Harry : His face is going to get frozen in that position one day.
Ron : You mean it's not already?
Snape : Hehehe... I MEAN! 100 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
Hermione : *rolls eyes*
Snape : Today, we will be talking about the Draught of Living Death.
Harry : What fun!
Snape : Now, can anyone tell me what it does?
Draco : *admires his profile reflection*
Hermione : *hands shoots up un the air*
Snape : Anyone?
Draco : *smiles at his reflection*
Snape : Mr. Malfoy?
Draco : Um... it makes you seem like...a dead kumquat.
Snape : Close enough. 1000 points to Slytherin!

Scene Three - Time for vittles!
Draco : I can't possibly eat all this heavy food.
Pansy : Why not, Drakkie?
Draco : My name is not Drakkie. Anyways, it will ruin my girlish figure.
Crabbe : Heaven forbid THAT happens.
Draco : What?
Crabbe : Whoops! I meant grunt, grunt.
Draco : That's more like it.
Theodore Nott : Mmm, gravy.
Draco : Why are you here?
Seren : This may come as a shock, Draco, but you're not the only Slytherin male.
Draco : Really?
fbf : *sighs*
Cho Malfoy : Deep as a puddle?
Seren : I wouldn't give him that much credit.
Pansy : Drakkie, you have to eat.
Draco : But I had a whole piece of toast this morning!

Scene Four - Charms
Draco : *swaggers in*
Crabbe : Why do you swagger?
Draco : That's what Malfoy's do best.
Goyle : Besides inbreeding.
Draco : What was that?
Goyle : *grunts*
Flitwick : Hello, class!
Class : Hello, Warren the Ewok!
Flitwick : Today we will be talking about the Protean Charm. Hermione, would you like to explain what it is?
Draco : Mudblood.
Hermione : Ferret.
Draco : Know it all.
Hermione : Bottle blonde.
Fangirls : *gasp*
Cedric : *sniggers*
Draco : HOW DARE YOU!
Hermione : *explains Protean charm*
Flitwick : Well-done. 50 points to Gryffindor!
Draco : Midget.
Flitwick : Ponce.
Draco : Baldie.
Flitwick : House Elf.
Draco : WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU! I'M TELLING MY DADDY ON YOU!
Ron : Your dad isn't on the board of governers anymore, dumbass.
Harry : Not to mention being locked up in Azkaban.
Draco : .....

Scene Five - Care of Magical Creatures
Crabbe : I wonder what new, life threatening creature Hagrid is going to introduce us to today?
Goyle : *shrugs*
Hagrid : Hello, class!
Class : Hello, strangely oversized man!
Hagrid : Today we're going to talk about Jarveys. Now, Jarveys are one of the few magical creaturs that can speak, but it tends to only screech insults at people.
Draco : *admires his reflection in Hagrid's window*
Jarvey : *spots Draco*
fbf : ooo, this is going to be good.
Jarvey : Hey, pencil neck!
Draco : Wha?
Jarvey : You heard me, pretty boy!
Fangirls : *sigh* He is, isn't he?
Draco : Hey!
Jarvey : Knucklehead! Crap for brains! Where do you buy your clothes, the Salvation Army?
DRACO : I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT ALL MY CLOTHING COMES CUSTOM FROM HARRODS!
Class : ...
Hermione : You buy your clothes from a Muggle Department store?
Draco : *bursts into tears and runs out wailing*
Cedric : Can I crisp him now? Please?
Seren : He's not dying in this one, Cedric.
Cedric : *sulks*

Act Four, Scene One - Dinner
Pansy : *coos*
Crabbe : *reads*
Fangirls : *swoon*
fbf : *sniggers*
Draco : I have GOT to get a manicure.
fbf : Check.
Draco : Who's doing my homework tonight?
Crickets : *chirp*
Cho Malfoy : Someone does his homework?!
Rianna Potter : You're suprised by this?
Cho Malfoy : Good point.
Draco : I really cannot eat all this heavy food.
Theodore : Oh shut up, Draco, and eat.
Draco : Make me!
Seren : Damn it, Draco, just eat.
Draco : *huffily* Fine.
Fangirls : How DARE you talk to our precious widdle Draco like that!
Seren : Cedric?
Cedric : Already all over it. :: starts buring fan girls ::
Draco : Thank you.
Cedric : S'alright. Excuse me, must go lick someone.
Crabbe : What?
fireboltflyer : Long story.
Draco : I must be off to bed.

Scene Two - Late Night Plotting
Draco : I have to get Potty and the Weasley back for humiliating me!
Pansy : Why not the Mudblood?
Draco : *shrugs*
D/Hr fans : Awwwwww, he's in love with her.
Cho Malfoy : Let me get this one. *pulls out taser*
Draco : I will beat Harry into submission! I will whip him and cuff him until he screams for mercy!
H/D fans : Oooo!
Rianna Potter : This one's mine. *pulls out an Iron Maiden*
Draco : Potty and the Weasel must pay!
Crabbe : What original nicknames.
Draco : What?
Crabbe : gruntgruntgoingtobedgruntgruntwillrememberstupidpillgrunt
Draco : And I must get the little Weaslette as well...
D/G fans : Hoo-
Cedric : Don't even think about it. I have a flame thrower, and I know how to use it.
Seren : That's my boy!
fireboltflyer : *comes up with cold cream* Ready?
Draco : Where's my massuse?
Cho Malfoy : Busy!
Draco : Fine...
fireboltflyer : *removes makeup* Would you like a pore refining mask?
Draco : Please.

Scene Three - Time for bed.
Draco : *yawns* Ever so tired....
Goyle : Aren't you forgetting something?
Draco : Right, my eye mask. Joy?
Fireboltflyer : Yes?
Draco : I need some hair gloss tomorrow. It's supposed to be humid.
fireboltflyer : Of course.
Draco : Good. Where's my teddy bear?
Rianna Potter : Teddy bear?
Draco : Ah, here's my Mr. Frodobear.
Seren : Hey, that's my teddy bear!
Cedric : You have a teddy bear?
Seren : Not another word. Ready for bed, Draco?
Draco : Yes. Good night.
Pansy : Goodnight, Drakkie.
Draco : MY NAME IS NOT DRAKKIE!