Making No Sense Whatsoever

Ron and Hermione were standing outside the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom waiting for Harry.

"I wonder where he's got to, he said he wouldn't be long after Quidditch practice."

"I expect he'll be here soon ...Ron, please remove your hand from under my skirt," said Hermione patiently.

"Sorry, force of habit." Harry came limping down the corridor looking severely pissed off.

"Where's Professor Trotter! I'm going to kill that smug git!"

"What happened?"

"Those shin pads he sold me were defective! A Bludger nearly broke my leg when it hit me!"

"I'm afraid you'll have to control your fully justified rage, Mr. Potter. Professor Trotter left earlier this morning." Professor McGonagall was standing right behind them.

"Did a runner did he?" muttered Harry.

"I'm afraid so. It seems he sold Hagrid some Hippogriff feed of questionable quality. It may take Hagrid and Mr. Filch months to clean up all the diarrhoea. Go on in and sit down. The new teacher should be with you shortly." The class filed into the room and took their seats. Harry, Ron and Hermione sat at a desk at the front.

"So Ron, seen that review button lately?" asked Hermione teasingly.

"The what button?" enquired Harry, confused beyond belief.

"Ron claims he keeps seeing a mysterious 'review button' that shows up now and then," explained Hermione while trying not to laugh.

"Shut up," mumbled Ron. As soon as they had finished speaking they heard a rumbling sound coming from above. Suddenly, some kind of silver pod came crashing through the ceiling. The students ducked under their desks as they were showered with bits of roof. The doors on the pod slowly opened with smoke billowing out of it. As the smoke cleared, a bald man in silver wizarding robes stepped out. He had a scar down one side of his face. As he looked around the room he lifted his right little finger to his mouth. Slowly, Harry, Ron and Hermione peered over the top of the desk.

"Hello children," he said in a slightly camp tone. "I'm your new teacher. My name is ...Dr. Evil." The students cautiously took their seats as Dr. Evil moved to his desk. Not even Hermione was sure of what to make of this one. Her hand crept into the air.

"Yes, little girl?"

"Uh ...Professor Evil,"

"Dr. Evil!" he snapped. "I didn't spend six years in evil doctor school to be called 'Professor'."

"Dr. Evil, I fail to see how you're going to teach us to defend ourselves from evil with a name like 'Dr. Evil'."

"It might just be his name, you know!" stated Seamus from across the room.

"Actually the girl is quite astute, I really am evil. I'm not going to teach you Defence Against the Dark Arts; you are all going to help me take over the wizarding world. With your help I shall carry out my magical master plan!" Harry's eyes rolled. He'd had plenty of dramatic banter with villains in the past. This guy would be a doddle to outwit.

"So what exactly is your 'magical master plan'?" asked Harry sarcastically. Dr. Evil began to get excited.

"I plan to steal the Philosopher's Stone from this school and gain immortality!" Harry had to stifle a laugh. The excitement fell from Dr. Evil's face. "OK what?"

"The Philosopher's Stone was destroyed about four years ago, dumb ass."

"Shit," stated Dr. Evil. "OK class, you gotta tell me these things. I'm the teacher, need the info. Throw me a frickin' bone here!" He paused for a moment. "OK new plan. I shall find the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets and unleash the monster within!" Harry coughed derisively. "Now what?"

"That also already happened. I killed the Basilisk myself three years ago."

"OK shush," said Dr. Evil as he put his finger to his lip.

"I'm just saying ..."

"Shush!"

"Will you just ..."

"Here's an incantation for you; shush!"

"Honestly guys, can you believe this?"

"Oh look, it's Harry Potter and the Order of shush!" While Harry and Dr. Evil continued their debate, Hermione's head fell onto the desk in despair.

"This is ridiculous. Why don't they just bring Umbridge back? At least when she was here we were learning something." As usual, Hermione was talking to herself. Ron was busy searching the floor on his hands and knees.

"Aha! There's that review button again!" He pulled his wand from his robes. "I'm going to get that little bastard this time!"