Harry's True Love

Harry took a moment to survey the dark, dreary room that he now found himself in. He was being held in place by magical chains up against the dark stone wall so he was hardly at liberty to stroll around at his leisure. All kinds of instruments lined the shelves on the walls. Thumbscrews, a whip and some red-hot pokers were the things Harry noticed at a glance. On the other side of the room sat a torture rack, a table with a circular saw running through it, a chamber of nails and one of those Japanese water torture things ...or was it Chinese? All in all, the room didn't exactly scream 'comfort', though it was fairly obvious that some kind of screaming took place here. For a moment Harry thought he had found one redeeming feature of the room when he noticed the CD player in the corner, but this impression was quickly dispelled when he saw the CD collection next to it. This set included such greats as 'Agadoo', 'Walking On Sunshine' and the complete works of 'The Osmonds'. Harry's situation was dire.

He had just finished taking in his surroundings when the door across from him opened and a masked Death Eater stepped into the room.

"So, the great Harry Potter ...the 'Boy Who Lived' ... is at the mercy of a masked stranger," hissed the figure.

"You're not a stranger, Mr. Malfoy. We've met loads of times," said Harry conversationally.

"Damn it!" muttered Lucius. "How did you know it was me?"

"Well, the mask doesn't do much to hide all that long blonde hair."

"Blast! You're not supposed to know who your torturer is, it adds to the terror!" snapped Lucius with great frustration in his voice.

"I can pretend that I don't know who you are, if it'll make you feel better," offered Harry.

"Oh there's no point now," mumbled Lucius. "I'll just have to carry on from where I left off ...where did I leave off? Oh yes; now I remember ... here you stand, Harry, with no idea of the horrors that await you!"

"I could make an educated guess."

"No you couldn't! Now shut up!" Lucius took a moment to gather himself. "All too soon, you will be subjected to the worst methods of torture ever devised by wizardkind ..."

"Is that all?"

"What do you mean 'Is that all?'? When I torture you, boy, you won't soon forget it!"

"Torture's a doddle," stated Harry disinterestedly. Lucius gave Harry a quizzical look from underneath his mask.

"You're weird. Anyway, the Dark Lord ..."

"Oh, you mean Voldemort?" interrupted Harry. Lucius winced.

"Don't you dare say his name!" he hissed.

"Whose name? Voldemort's name?" Lucius grimaced.

"I'm warning you, boy!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise I wasn't supposed to say 'Voldemort'." Lucius flinched.

"You say that one more time and I'll ..."

"You'll do what? Tell Voldemort?" Lucius cringed (God bless the Thesaurus).

"Shut up! This is getting unbelievably tedious!"

"Yes, yes you're absolutely right," said Harry. He paused for a moment. "I won't say 'Voldemort' anymore." Lucius recoiled.

"Anyway, He Who Must Not Be Named has ...shut up!" he exclaimed, seeing that Harry had been about to say 'Voldemort' again. "He has decided that before I start actually torturing you, you will first be forced to watch the one closest to your heart be tortured first." Lucius noticed the perplexed look on Harry's face. "It's a psychological thing. There's this theory that in the early stages of torture it is actually worse to watch a loved one being tormented."

"Sounds fascinating," said Harry. Lucius gave his young prisoner another puzzled look.

"Weirdo ...anyway, it won't be long before our secret agent at Hogwarts discovers the identity of your little girlfriend and delivers her to us. Until then, Potter, you can remain here ...sweating with anxiety knowing that the one you love the most is in imminent danger." Lucius turned to leave and was half way out the door when Harry called after him.

"Mr. Malfoy? That secret agent at Hogwarts, it wouldn't be your son Draco by any chance?"

"THAT WAS A LUCKY GUESS!" bellowed Lucius, slamming the door behind him.

~|~

Days passed. Then some more passed. Not that Harry minded; he was living quite comfortably. Voldemort had given orders for Harry to be kept alive and well until the one he loved more than anyone else was in the custody of the Death Eaters. Unbeknownst to Voldemort but knownst to us, they already had the one Harry loved more than anyone else in their custody: Harry himself. After a few more fruitless days passed, a masked Death Eater entered the room in which Harry was imprisoned.

"Well, Potter, it seems things are taking longer than expected," said the Death Eater in a drawling, sensuous Scottish accent.

"Hello Mr. Malfoy," said Harry.

"Damn, blast, sod and bugger it!" exclaimed Lucius. "How the hell did you know it was me this time? I tucked my hair into my mask and everything!"

"Simple. You're the only one who comes to visit me these days. You would have thought Wormtail would pop in for a chat, or maybe Bellatrix could have spared a few moments for a gloat, but no ...none of them have time to even come and say 'hello' ..."

"Oh do shut up, boy!" snapped Lucius.

"So, what was with the dodgy Scottish accent?"

"It's my Sean Connery impersonation and I happen to be very proud of it," said Lucius testily. "Anyway, it seems that things are taking longer than expected. Our agent ..."

"You mean Draco?"

"Yes, that's right ...shut up! Our agent has been unable to locate your girlfriend," continued Lucius.

"That's because I don't have one," stated Harry bluntly.

"However, we're fairly confident that in just a few more days ...what did you say?"

"I don't have a girlfriend," said Harry with an annoyingly proud grin on his face.

"You're 16 and you don't have a girlfriend? What are you, some kind of social outcast?"

"In a sense. I'm gay, you see."

"Well you might have told us this before!" hissed Lucius through clenched teeth. He was now getting seriously peeved off.

"You didn't ask."

"Didn't ask ...DIDN'T ASK!" bellowed Lucius. He took a moment to gather himself and adjust his mask. "Doesn't matter anyway ...now that we know we're looking for a boy it will be even easier for our secret agent to find your one true love ..."

"Have you stopped to consider why it's taking Draco so long to find my 'one true love'? It's because he's protecting himself." He knew it was risky, but Harry just couldn't resist the chance to wind Malfoy Senior up.

"Just what are you implying, Potter?" growled Lucius dangerously.

"I'm not implying anything, I'm declaring it! Draco and I are lovers!"

"You're lying! Be quiet!"

"Playmates!"

"I'm warning you!"

"Bouncy-bouncy buddies!"

"Shut up!"

"Some of the things we do together would have made Oscar Wilde blush!"

"Stop!" shrieked Lucius. This wasn't one of those manly shrieks you hear so little about. It was more of a high pitched, 'on the edge of cracking up' kind of shriek. Harry could see that the man had been rattled enough. Lucius took several deep breaths and then staggered towards the door, gripping the handle for support. "We'll find your little boyfriend ...mark my words ..." He then disappeared through the door, closing it weakly behind him.

"If I had known getting captured was going to be this much fun, I'd have done it ages ago," thought Harry to himself, a cheeky, satisfied grin spread across his face.