Harry's True Love

A great man once said 'Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so'. Well, technically he wasn't a man, because men are descended from apes, whereas this person was an alien from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. However, the point I'm trying to make is that time is not as complicated as it seems and the laws of time, space and causality are for chumps. You can go back in time and do whatever you want and it'll usually turn out that it was meant to happen in the first place. Harry Potter knew this better than most people. His experience in third year was a prime example. Another example was if he went up to the dormitory and found his future self sitting there waiting to shag him, it was obviously meant to happen. If he didn't, then it wasn't destined to occur.

As simple as this sounds, Hermione refused to accept that there was nothing wrong with Harry dating himself through time travel. She was further frustrated by the fact that she could not report him to Professor McGonagall, as Harry had been able to dig up some delectably juicy dirt on Hermione. It had taken a great deal of searching and delving into her seemingly spotless past, but Harry had finally struck gold. He had made it clear to her that if she told anyone he was illegally using a Time-Turner, he would have no choice but to turn her in to not only the Ministry but the RSPCA as well.

Hermione, however, was undeterred. She decided that she would simply have to be more cunning in getting Harry to come to his senses, or at least wean him off ...well, himself. She had come up with plenty of ideas that would work in theory, but failed miserably in practice ...a little like Communism.

One evening, Hermione, Harry and Ron were all sitting in the Gryffindor common room (a little redundant, telling you that, as they're hardly likely to be sitting in the

Hufflepuff common room, are they?). Hermione was still recovering from her most recent failure ...the one that had only got her two weeks detention ...when Harry rose from his seat and started heading for the dormitory steps.

"You're going to see ...him, aren't you?" asked Hermione icily.

"Don't talk about him like that. He really loves and understands me," replied Harry.

"But ...he's you ...isn't he?" ventured Ron, a puzzled look on his face.

"Which is why we're such a perfect match," stated Harry. Hermione buried her face in her hands. "Besides, if I go up there and I find that I'm not waiting for me, then that means that something happens that prevents me in the future from using the Time-Turner. If I am there, then it was meant to be. Give it up, Hermione, you're fighting destiny."

"Is she?" asked Ron, who was now more thoroughly confused than before.

"She certainly is. We have the perfect relationship. We don't need to waste time making small talk and telling stories about our past, because he knows everything I know."

"That's because he's ... you ...right?" offered Ron.

"That's right, Ron," said Harry condescendingly as he reached into the biscuit tin on the side table and offered it to Ron. "Have a Ginger Newt." Without another word, Harry disappeared up the stairs. It was at this point that Hermione was struck by a wave of brilliance. She had a plan, a potentially very successful plan, but there was only one margin of error: would the ginger moron play along? She removed her hands from her face and looked over at Ron, smiling sweetly.

"Ron, you care about Harry, don't you?"

"Sure I do. He's my best mate. That doesn't mean I'm getting involved in another of your plans. The scars from the last one haven't even started to heal."

"Oh, but there's no chance at all of you getting hurt with this one. You barely have to do a thing," she elaborated. "You do want to help him, don't you? I mean, it's just not fair to himself, what he's doing, is it?"

"Suppose not ..." said Ron slowly, getting increasingly more wary of the fact that Hermione was trying to influence him and succeeding spectacularly.

"He needs to find a boyfriend, someone for him to really explore his sexuality with. After all, it's the least he deserves."

"I guess so ..."

"Good, off you go then."

"To do what?"

"Seduce Harry, of course." You probably won't be surprised to hear this, but Ron never saw this coming. Any reasonably intelligent person would have long ago figured out what Hermione was building up to, but to Ron it was the bombshell of all bombshells.

"You want me to what?" he bellowed as he jumped up from his seat.

"Ron, I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do myself."

"Yes you are!"

"No, I'm not," she retorted unconvincingly.

"Then why don't you go up there and ...well, you know!" Hermione looked up at him, raising her eyebrows patronisingly.

"Now that wouldn't do any good, would it? He's gay and needs a boyfriend. There's no other boy here he cares more for than you, and you do care for him, don't you? Honestly, Ron, he's like a brother to you."

"And that's supposed to make what you're suggesting better? That only makes it worse! Much worse!" Hermione could see that negotiations were getting her nowhere. She therefore picked up her wand with impeccable calm and casually took aim.

~|~

Harry was sitting on the edge of his bed, beginning to wonder if he was ever going to arrive. He had noticed that he had been becoming more and more of a tease recently ...or maybe he didn't love himself anymore. Harry quickly banished this thought from his head. After all, the notion that he could ever fall out of love with himself was laughable. He knew in his heart that he was far too sexy.

All of a sudden the door opened. Harry still hadn't got into the habit of locking the dormitory door whenever he was meeting his future self. It was a very dishevelled looking Ron that entered the room. He was unusually pale and seemed to be having trouble walking.

"Do you bare a message from the Granger Inquisition?" asked Harry sarcastically. Ron shuffled uncomfortably in Harry's direction.

"Hermione ...thinks ... we should talk ..." he muttered. Harry knew that whatever was the matter with Ron; it certainly wasn't the Imperius curse. No, it was much worse than that.

"Are you okay, Ron?"

"Yes ...better than okay ...I'm in love with you, Harry," he stated. It was as if he had been vigorously trained to say it. Harry could tell it was some new plan of Hermione's and decided to play along.

"Oh really?"

"Yes ...passionately ..."said Ron disconcertedly. He couldn't seem to look Harry in the eyes, or at him at all for that matter. Harry patted the bed.

"Why don't you come sit next to me?"

"I'll stand if that's okay," mumbled Ron. He was standing very stiffly.

"Sure, standing's fine for me," said Harry in a tone so dripping with sexual innuendo it would turn a eunuch on. "It looks as if I'm not going to make a trip into the past this evening, so that obviously means that I'm destined to be otherwise occupied ...with you."

"Yes ...destined ...can't fight it ..." It didn't take much to break whatever form of brainwashing Hermione had used on Ron. Harry had only just undone Ron's belt when he snapped out of it and jumped back. "Harry, this just isn't right." There was a pained look on his face. He was really upset.

"Something you want to talk about?" asked Harry softly. Ron took a moment to compose himself and gather up all his courage.

"Harry ...I'm straight ..." he choked.

"Well, I have to say I suspected it for some time."

"You did?"

"Oh yes. The signs were all there."

"But you're ...okay with it?

"Sure I am," said Harry comfortingly. "In fact, some of my best friends are straight. It's nothing to be ashamed of in this day and age. People are generally more accepting of this kind of thing." Ron looked down into Harry's eyes and smiled broadly.

"Thanks, Harry. I feel better now that I've told you."

"There's only one problem though," said Harry cautiously. "Hermione's gonna kill you when she finds out."

"I know," said Ron, laughing weakly. He started to make his way towards the door, still shuffling his feet.

"Just out of interest, how did Hermione get you to come up here and pretend to be gay in the first place?" asked Harry.

"She materialised a candle in my ass and wouldn't dematerialise it until I agreed to do as I was told," replied Ron bluntly.

"Oh."

"It was a bloody big candle and all!"

"I bet." Doing a sort of sidestep towards the stairs, Ron closed the door behind him. Harry took a moment to bask in the glory of yet another victory over Hermione's plans to separate him from his one true love. Thinking of which, Harry now began to wonder what it was he was destined to be doing in the not too distant future that would stop him going back in time if it wasn't getting it on with Ron. The relatively simple answer to an unreasonably complex question came in the form of the dormitory windows being smashed open and several masked Death Eaters swarming in through them.

"Ah, I see now," said Harry just before the Stunning Hex hit him.

~|~

"Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing?" demanded Hermione.

"I don't know, but it's hardly fair for me to pay for your mistakes," said Ron, nervously eyeing the wand in Hermione's hand. His explanation of what had happened had not gone down well. The city of Troy had gone down better than Ron's explanation. Needless to say, Hermione was not best pleased.

"I'll just have to think of something else. It would certainly help if I knew what he was doing up there now, even if he is having sex with himself again. Did ...he ... show up just before you left?"

"Who do you mean?"

"Harry's future self, of course!"

"Oh right ...him ...no, not that I saw." Hermione decided to go up and find out for herself and had barely gone halfway up the steps when she was hit in the face by a piece of parchment floating down from above. She grabbed it and read it quickly.

"Oh my ...Harry's been kidnapped! The Death Eaters have got him!" she shrieked.

"So he's not getting laid?"