Half Blood Prince The Musical

Scene 6: Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes

(Enter Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and a lot of extras pretending to be shopping. Music starts straight away. Fred and George appear from opposite sides of the stage and approach the others. Extras start to dance.)

HOUSE OF PUN

George: (To Ginny) Good morning miss

Fred: (To Harry) Can I help you son?

Harry: Sixteen now
And up for fun
I'm a big boy now
Or so they say
So if you'll serve
I'll be on my way

Ron: Box of Decoy Detonators
With the distracting touch
A Punching Telescope
That pops in the night
A joke wand and cauldron
Exploding Bin
Miss Granger on all corners
Has just walked in

Fred & George: Welcome to the house of pun
Now we've come of age
Welcome to the house of pun
Welcome to the joker's den
Mischief's on his way
Welcome to the house of pun

George: (Doing an uncanny impersonation of Percy and talking to Ron) I'm sorry son
But we don't stock
Magic gimmicks
In this place
Fred: Try the house of pun
It's quicker if you run
This is the Ministry
Not a joke shop!

Harry: Shield Hats
Simple enough clear?
Comprehende, savvy, understand
Do you hear?
A pack of Shield Hats
With the protective tips

Fred: Too late!

George: Granger heard gossip

Hermione: Well hello Fred

Fred: Hello Miss Granger
Now go on don't be a stranger

Fred and George: Welcome to the house of pun
Now we've come of age
Welcome to the house of pun
Welcome to the joker's den
Mischief's on his way
Welcome to the house of pun

Welcome to the house of pun...

(Song ends to raucous, fan-girl fuelled applause.)

Ron: Wow! That was great! We didn't even have to say anything before we started the song! Can't we just do that for the rest of the musical? It's a lot easier.

Harry: No, we can't. I mean, that was fun and all, but we're still here to tell a story.

Ron: Oh.

(Enter Verity stage left.)

Verity: Excuse me, Mr Weasley and Mr. Weasley, there's a customer out here who wants a joke cauldron.

George: Right you are, Verity.

(Verity leaves).

George: She so wants me.

Fred: No, she wants me!

(They continue to argue as they exit stage left. There is an uncomfortable silence.)

Ron: Why isn't anything happening?

Hermione: Because someone offstage has forgotten their (shouting offstage) CUE!

(Draco rushes on stage and quickly descends the steps into the audience, constantly looking over his shoulder.)

Harry: It's Malfoy!

Hermione: About time too!

Ron: Hang on a sec; he's leaving the stage! No one told me we could leave!

Hermione: He's not leaving, you dolt! He's just walking amongst the audience to make them feel like they're part of the audience. They do it in 'Cats' all the time.

Harry: You mean 'Cats' by ...

Hermione: Yes ...He Whose Music Must Be Adored!

(Harry, Hermione and the extras all make a bowing motion. Ron does it out of sync with the others.)

Harry: Come on! We have to follow Malfoy and see what he's up to. (Produces his Invisibility Cloak) Under the cloak!

Hermione: I hate going under this thing. When was the last time it was actually washed?

Harry: Come on!

(They disappear under the cloak and follow Draco. They tiptoe past Hagrid, who hums at first but then breaks into his own little song.)

DRAGON

Where be that dragon to?

And I know where he be

He be up your Whomping Tree

And I be after he

Now I sees he, and he sees I

Buggered if I don't get im'

With a girt big stick I'll knock him down

Dragon, I'll have ye

La da da da da da, la da da da da da!

(During this little song, Harry, Ron and Hermione have been following Draco, snaking through the audience until they reach the stage again, which has now had something of a set change. They stop outside the window of Borgin and Burkes, take out the Extendable Ears and listen in on Draco's conversation. They can just about see the back of Draco.)

Harry: Cor! Did you ever see an 'ass like that'?

(Orchestra starts playing but abruptly stop when Hermione pokes her head out from under the cloak and throws them a dangerous look.)

Hermione: Honestly! What a crass thing to start a song over. I would have thought you'd have known better, Harry.

Ron: Shush! I can't hear what they're saying!

Draco: So just make sure you keep that one back for me!

Borgin: Oh now, I don't think ...

Draco: You know Fenrir Greyback? He's an old family friend. He'll be checking up on you from time to time and let's just say he's ...'hungry like the wolf'.

(Orchestra starts up again. This time Borgin stops them.)

Borgin: There's no need for a full-on song! I get the message. I'll keep this one back for you.

Draco: Good.

(Exit Draco and Borgin. Harry, Ron and Hermione emerge from under the cloak.)

Harry: So ...Malfoy is up to something, and can't be anything good. I'm just thinking, seeing as we know Malfoy is also gay ...

Ron: Hang about! I thought we weren't supposed to know that? You guys told me it was dramatic irony!

Harry: Shut up. What I'm saying is, if I can get close to him this term, get him to lower his guard ...I might be able to find out what it is he's doing.

Hermione: And get into his pants.

Harry: That too.

(Fade out. Curtains.)