A Bit of Potter and Weasley

Harry: Ladies and gentlemen, we are delighted to announce that Professor Dumbledore will be making a guest appearance in our next sketch.

Ron: Yes, he was very surprised when we asked him to be in our sketch show.

Harry: Mostly because he didn't know we had a sketch show.

Ron: That's not all he doesn't know about.

Harry: No it certainly isn't. The good Professor was somewhat reluctant to appear on our show.

Ron: Somewhat very reluctant.

Harry: Indeed. However, we soon fixed that with some very condemning pictures of him with Professor Sprout behind the compost heap next to greenhouse three.

Ron: Now Professor Dumbledore has promised us that he'll give us his very best performance but if by the end of the sketch you decide you didn't like it, we have many copies of those photos ready for distribution.

Harry: Enjoy.

Butterbeer

An old people's home. Mr. Dumbledore's room. Dumbledore is in a wheelchair when Harry enters. He is a high voiced, slightly condescending attendant.

Harry: All right, Mr. Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: Eh?

Harry: I say, are you all right, Mr. Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: (Mumbling) Butterbeer.

Harry: Yes, you can have your Butterbeer in a minute. I'll draw the curtains shall I?

Dumbledore: Eh?

Harry: I say, I'll draw the curtains -be a bit cosier. More cosy for you.

Dumbledore: Draw the curtains, cosy. Butterbeer.

Harry: Yes, your Butterbeer's coming, Mr. Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Curtains.

Harry: (Drawing them with his wand) There, that's better. Nights are drawing in now, aren't they, Mr. Dumbledore? Getting more chilly by the day. I don't know, time just races by doesn't it? Seems like it was only yesterday that it was Christmas. Oh no, what's this? You've dropped your magazines.

Dumbledore: Didn't like them. They were rubbish.

Harry: I'll pick them up for you -let's see, what have you got here?

As Harry bends down to pick up the magazines, Dumbledore cuffs him a mighty blow on the ear.

Ooh, there now. That wasn't very nice was it? Hitting me like that. What did you want to go and do that for?

Dumbledore: Want me Butterbeer.

Harry: Your Butterbeer's coming -though I'm not so sure as you deserve it, really acting up today like I shouldn't wonder. Whatever next? You're a bad man, Mr. Dumbledore. I'll tuck you up, look.

Dumbledore: A hundred and fifty two years old.

Harry: That's right, a hundred and fifty two isn't it? Hundred and fifty three come November.

Dumbledore: A hundred and fifty two years old and I've never had oral sex.

Harry: I should think not indeed. Oral sex! The idea.

Dumbledore: Never ridden an Erumpent.

Harry: Now you're just babbling, Mr. Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: I've never watched a woman urinate.

Harry: I shall get cross with you in a minute, I shall really.

Dumbledore: Never got round to killing Voldemort.

Harry: Now Mr. Dumbledore, there's a certain man that I shall start killing if he's not careful, thank you very much.

Dumbledore: Never been inside an opera house. Never eaten a hamburger.

Harry: You're a stupid silly old man and I won't have any nonsense.

Dumbledore: I'm fed up. Never done anything.

Harry: Well you're a bit chilly I shouldn't wonder. Your Butterbeer will be along in a minute.

Dumbledore: Don't want any stupid Butterbeer.

Harry: Now don't be contrary -you love your Butterbeer.

Dumbledore: I hate Butterbeer. It gets a skin on it.

Harry: Only if you leave it too long.

Dumbledore: Makes me kek, makes me want to cat up. I want to drink milk from the breasts of an elf maiden.

Harry: I don't know. What's the matter with you today, Mr. Dumbledore? I think we'll have to put you on extra Vitamin E. Elves! In Hogsmeade.

Dumbledore: You've got bad breath you have.

Harry: Now. Now, Mr. Dumbledore, there's no call to be personal, I hope.

Dumbledore: Like rotting pumpkins.

Harry: I'm very angry with you, Mr. Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: You're a great Nancy.

Harry: I'm not a great Nancy, Mr. Dumbledore and you're wicked to say so.

Dumbledore: Great Nancy, Mary-Ann, bum-boy Nance. I bet you've never even done it.

Harry: I won't have you talking like this Mr Dumbledore, I won't really.

Dumbledore: You shouldn't be in a place like this, your time of life.

Harry: Someone's got to do it, Mr. Dumbledore. Dedication, though why I bother-

Dumbledore: You should be out there having oral sex, killing Voldemort-

Harry: I did kill Voldemort. Do you remember, Mr. Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: Watching women urinate in opera houses and eating hamburgers on Erumpents. Drinking milk from the breasts of Veela maidens.

Harry: It was elves last time.

Dumbledore: I've changed my mind. Veela. Instead you're stuck here taking rude talk from an old man. You're a Nancy, a great bog-breath Nancy.

Harry: Ooh, you've really upset me today, Mr. Dumbledore, you have really. I'm going to hurry along your Butterbeer and when I get back I don't want any more nonsense. Honestly!

Exit Harry.

Dumbledore: (Calling after him) You're a screaming Bertie and you pong. (To himself) Never seen a woman urinate, not once. Tragic waste, that.

Harry: (Re-entering) Now, I managed to intercept Mrs. Gideon with the tray in the vestibule. So here's your Butterbeer, and don't say you aren't a lucky man to get it before the others.

Dumbledore: Butterbeer.

Harry: Yes. A certain naughty boy said some naughty things though, didn't he?

Dumbledore: I'm sorry, Harry. Right sorry.

Harry: Well there. As soon as you see your Butterbeer you mend your manners. I'm not sure I should give it to you now.

Dumbledore: Oh please, Harry.

Harry: There you are then. That's better, isn't it?

Dumbledore: Lovely drop of Butterbeer, that.

Harry: Berent's: that's the best.

Harry smiles at the audience.

Ron: (Advert style voice-over) Good old Berent's Butterbeer. Always there. Original or New Berent's, specially prepared for the mature citizens in your life, with nature's added store of powerful barbiturates and heroin.

Dumbledore collapses with a grin on his face.

Harry and Ron address the audience.

Harry: Well ladies and gentlemen, we hope you enjoyed watching that sketch as much as Professor Dumbledore enjoyed performing in it.

Ron: Ha ha! No seriously, we hope you enjoyed it. It might interest you to know that we've decided to be good sports and not distribute the pictures.

Harry: No, we shall instead be saving that delightful piece of blackmail for our N.E.W.Ts.