A Bit of Potter and Weasley

Inspector Weasley

Hermione answers the door. Ron is standing there, in Ministry robes.

Ron: Good evening, Chief Inspector Weasley, Department of Mysteries. May I come in?

Hermione: Of course you can, dear. It's your house.

She turns and walks away, leaving the door open.

Ron: You stupid woman! You stupid bloody woman! Come back here! Are you mad? I could be anybody! I could be a maniac!

Hermione: You're my husband, dear.

Ron: How do you know that? I mean how do you know that? Have I produced any identification?

Hermione: No.

Ron: No, exactly.

Hermione: But ...

Ron: Ask to see my identification card.

Hermione: (Sighs) Can I see your identification card, dear?

Ron: Certainly madam. A very wise precaution, if I may say so.

He produces an identification card and holds it under her nose.

Hermione: Good, now do you ...

Ron: Well look at it! You haven't even looked at it! Merlin, I could have bought this in Knockturn Alley for all you know. I could be a maniac with a fake identification card.

Hermione: All right. 'Chief Inspector ...

Ron: Don't leave the door open! Merlin's underpants! Use the chain, woman! What do you think it's there for?

She closes door. Ron stays outside while she reads the card.

Hermione: (Off) 'Chief Inspector Weasley, Department of Mysteries.'

She opens the door again.

Now come in and have your dinner, dear.

Ron: Come in where?

Hermione: The kitchen.

Ron: I'm sorry. I have no authorisation to enter the kitchen.

Hermione: You don't need it. It's your kitchen.

Ron: Our kitchen, dear.

Hermione: Our kitchen.

Ron: You know perfectly well, I cannot enter our kitchen without your special permission.

Hermione: You have my permission.

Ron: Haven't you forgotten something, dear?

Hermione: What?

Ron: We agreed that we would both get fireplace confirmation of the other's identity, before either of us gave special permission.

Hermione: Oh good grief.

Ron: The fireplace is in the living room, dear. And remember, better safe then cursed into oblivion by a maniac pretending to be me.

Hermione closes the door and goes into the living room. She returns after speaking to someone at the Ministry through the fireplace.

Ron: Well?

Hermione: They've never heard of you.

Ron: Damn. Anyway, what's for dinner? Smells great.

Hermione: They've never heard of Inspector Weasley.

Ron: Probably just a joke. We're always having jokes, down at the Ministry.

Hermione: You're not a Ministry official, are you?

Ron: No. No, I'm not.

Hermione: What are you?

Ron: A maniac.

Harry is sitting in a swivel chair and laughing.

Harry: Oh yes, brilliant. Very good. That was a new guest star on our show, ladies and gentlemen. Hermione Granger is a very good friend of ours and I'd like you to properly introduce her.

Hermione enters to applause. Harry hugs her.

Wasn't she wonderful? I just want to thank you again, Hermione, for appearing on our show.

Hermione: It was my pleasure, especially as the proceeds from the show are going to the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare.

Harry: (Uneasily) Uh ...yes, of course. Good old SPEW. Can't do without SPEW, now can we?

Hermione: The proceeds are going to the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare, aren't they?

Harry: Now for another sketch.

Harry makes a hasty exit, leaving Hermione standing alone.

Remembering Lines

Harry and Ron are on set.

Ron: We'd like to do a sketch for you now entitled, quite simply, 'Jack Nimnock Goes Shopping In Hogsmeade'.

Harry: That's right.

They each go to one side of the set and start to walk towards each other. As they pass they recognise one another.

Jack! Jack Nimnock! How are you?

Ron: Ned! I'm fine, fine. How are you?

Harry: Oh mustn't grumble. So what are you up to now?

Ron: Oh, this and that.

Harry: Right. Right. So tell me, how's Mary?

Ron looks blank. Harry speaks sotto voce.

Mary and I are divorced.

Ron: Mary and I are divorced.

Harry: Divorced? I'm sorry to hear that, Jack. When did this happen?

Ron again looks blank.

When did this happen?

Ron: A couple of days ago.

Harry: (Sotto voce) Years.

Ron: Pardon?

Harry: (Sotto voce) You were divorced a couple of years ago.

Ron: A couple of years ago. Not days, Ned, as I initially suggested, but years.

Harry: Well this is terrible news, Jack, terrible. Whose idea was it, if you don't mind me asking?

Ron looks blank again.

Ron: What?

Harry: The divorce. Was it your idea or Mary's? (Sotto voce) Mine.

Ron: Mine.

Harry: Yours?

Ron: Yours?

Harry: Mine.

Ron: Mine.

Harry: So it was your idea?

Ron: So it was your idea?

Harry: I see. How did Mary take it?

Ron looks blank yet again. Harry is starting to get annoyed.

(Semi sotto voce) Not too badly at first.

Ron: Not too badly at first.

Harry: (Semi sotto voce) But I think she's pretty low at the moment.

Ron: But at the moment I think she's pretty low.

Harry: And how about you?

Ron: Erm ...don't tell me.

Harry: You had a nervous breakdown.

Ron: Oh yes, I had a nervous breakdown and went into shock and when I recovered I found I'd completely lost my voice.

Harry: Memory!

Ron: Memory, I'd completely lost my memory -

Pause.

Harry: (Under) And now I can't remember a thing ...

Ron: (Under) I know, I know, that was a pause. (Out loud) And now I can't remember a thing about that period of my life.

Harry: That's terrible, so had Mary been cheating on you then?

Ron: Well ...

Harry: (Whispering) I've forgotten.

Ron: (Whispering) So have I.

Harry: No, you've forgotten.

Ron: Oh I see. I've forgotten. She might have been but I just can't ...um ...persuade?

Harry: (Hissing) No, remember!

Ron: November. I'm a ...

Harry: (Walking off) Git.

Ron: I'm a git. I'm a git, that's right -

Embarrassed at Harry's disappearance.

-right, well cheerio then Ned. It was good seeing you after all these ......er ...

Harry: (Off yelling loudly) Years!!!

Ron: Years! That's right.