A Bit of Potter and Weasley

The Department of Mysteries

Harry is in a Ministry uniform, behind the desk of the recruiting office.

Harry: So you'd like to join the Department of Mysteries?

Ron: Not really.

Harry: Not really?

Ron: Well, yes all right.

Harry: That's more like it. Height?

Ron: I'm sorry?

Harry: How tall are you?

Ron: Oh. Nine foot six.

Harry: Nine foot six. Good. Weight?

Silence.

Weight?

Silence.

Well?

Ron: I'm waiting.

Harry: Good. You'd be surprised how many applicants are trapped into revealing how heavy they are. And you weigh?

Ron: Three tons.

Harry: Three tons. Sure about that?

Ron: Just over.

Harry: All right. Just over three tons. It's as well to be accurate in these matters. Saves complications later on. So. Any particular disabilities?

Ron: I've got no sense of taste.

Harry: In what? Jumpers? Quidditch teams?

Ron: Food. I can't taste food.

Harry: Oh dear. That might be a problem.

Ron: Might that be a problem?

Harry: I've just said it might. Never mind, let's press on. Any special skills?

Ron: I look good in red.

Harry: Excellent. How old are you?

Ron: Ten and a half.

Harry: Shoe size?

Ron: Twenty-eight.

Harry: Quirks?

Ron: Muddling up my height and my shoe size. I mean my shoe size and my height. See? I did it again.

Harry: Well that seems to be OK. How are you at making small talk?

Ron: Weather and traffic?

Harry: That sort of thing.

Ron: I can hold my end up.

Harry: Correct. Now, are you aware of what the Department of Mysteries is all about?

Ron: Not really.

Harry: I see. Well originally, the Department of Mysteries was formed as a secret, protective, mysterious force to guard the best-kept secrets in the wizarding world and prevent them from falling into the hands of Voldemort.

Ron: Right.

Harry: Of course our role has changed somewhat since then. Nowadays our duties are to act primarily as a masturbatory aid for Cornelius Fudge and various back-bench Wizengamot members.

Ron: I beg your pardon?

Harry: I'm afraid so. A worrying number of today's politicians are quite unable to achieve sexual gratification without fantasizing about the Department of Mysteries. So basically, we have to go around the place being secretive and protective and mysterious, so that people will be able to keep their marriages intact.

Ron: Doesn't sound very exciting. Have you got anything else on your cards?

Harry: Well, we're advertising for someone to go into that room over there.

Ron: Which one?

Harry: (Pointing) That one, just over there.

Ron: All right. I'll give it a go.

Ron enters room for next sketch.

Critics One

Harry and Ron are sitting in swivel chairs, with haircuts. They look and sound nearly as revolting, smug, smarmy and unpleasant as real critics.

Ron: Harry, you watched that sketch ...I assume you were disappointed?

Harry: Well frankly, I thought it was predictable.

Ron: You predicted it, did you?

Harry: Absolutely, and I think that's why it was predictable. Their choice of targets was predictable ...

Ron: The Ministry of Magic ...

Harry: Where?

Ron: The target of that last sketch was the Ministry of Magic.

Harry: I didn't notice that.

Ron: And of course their choice of language was predictable ...

Harry: Precisely. English was a sadly predictable language for them to have chosen.

Ron: Which is a shame.

Harry: A great shame. If you don't speak it.

Ron: A bigger shame if you do.

Harry: Hahaha.

Ron: Hahahaha.

Harry: But I suppose one could have predicted it.

Ron: I suppose so. Can you predict what their next sketch will be?

Harry: Oh Merlin, yes. A parody of 'Hogwarts, A History'. Bound to be.

Cut to something that is as far from being a parody of Hogwarts, A History as is emotionally possible.

Gryffindor common room. Harry intrudes on Ron who is busy reading a book. They are both foully nice.

Harry: What if you used your private parts?

Ron puts the book down and looks smilingly up at Harry.

Ron: I'm sorry?

Harry: I was just thinking 'what if you used your private parts'?

Ron: You may have lost me there, Harry.

Harry: Well, let me explain. I was thinking of that chapter in 'Quidditch Through The Ages' on fouls. Flacking?

Ron: Ah yes. If I remember the details of that particular foul, it's the Keeper sticking any portion of his anatomy through the goal hoop to punch the Quaffle out.

Harry: Because the Keeper ...

Ron: Is supposed to block the goal hoop from the front rather than the rear.

Harry: (Talking to audience) We were just having a conversation, Ron and I, about a chapter of 'Quidditch Through The Ages' that has been intriguing me rather.

Ron: It is fascinating isn't it? But anyway, tell me about the size of your girlfriend's breasts.

Harry: Well, let's clear up the matter of what is, on the surface, a very simple question.

Ron: Not as simple a question, in many ways, as for instance: 'are they very big, or only quite big?'

Harry: Well, fair point. But while not that simple, still relatively simple.

Ron: That's right, Harry: simpler certainly than 'is she very exciting in bed?'

Harry: What I'm saying is, if the Keeper did chose to stop a speeding Quaffle with his private parts, is anyone really going to penalise him for it after what he's just experienced? Seems to be adding insult to injury really.

Ron: My bet is that they are really quite substantially large. A fulsome pair of fun bags, that's my bet.

Harry: One thing at a time, Ron.

Ron: You're right. One thing at a time. Let's take the left one first shall we? How enormous would you say that it is?

Harry: (Laughing) Ha ha! Ron is having difficulty concentrating on our Quidditch Rules talk because he has something of an obsession with the size of my girlfriend's breasts.

Ron: (Also laughing) I like to put it this way. Harry is having trouble concentrating on our little discussions about the size of his girlfriend's bazoncas because he is a little too interested in analysing Quidditch rules.

Harry: We'll sort it out, don't you worry!!

They both turn to each other talking again, simultaneously.

Ron: Say a forty-eight cup, or bigger still?

Harry: So I was thinking, as you play Keeper for our team, you should try saving the Quaffle with your private parts to see if anyone says anything ...etc