A Bit of Potter and Weasley

Information

Harry is sitting behind a desk with an 'information' sign on it. Ron enters.

Ron: Good morning.

Harry: Good morning.

Ron: Good morning.

Harry: Right. Can I help you?

Ron: Yes. Your face my arse.

Harry: No, I said can I help you?

Ron: Oh. I'd like some information, please.

Harry: Yes.

Ron: Well?

Harry: Well what?

Ron: I'd like some information, please.

Harry: Yes. What information would you like?

Ron: Well I don't know. What have you got?

Harry: I beg your pardon?

Ron: What information have you got?

Harry: Well, all sorts.

Ron: Such as?

Harry: Such as ...the average weight of a gnome.

Ron: Well I never knew that.

Harry: What?

Ron: I never knew gnomes had an average weight.

Harry: Oh yes.

Ron: Have you got any other information?

Harry: Of course. But you've got to ask me questions, you see.

Ron: And you'll tell me the answers ...?

Harry: That's right.

Ron: ...if I ask the questions. Right. What's the name ...?

Harry: Yes?

Ron: What's the name of the man who taught me Potions at school?

Harry: I'm afraid that's hardly the kind of thing ...

Ron: Aha.

Harry: Tscch. All right. His name was Severus Snape.

Ron: That's right.

Harry: Snivellus, you used to call him.

Ron: Snivellus. Cor, that takes me back a bit. Now, there was a bloke in our class -tsch, what was his name?

Harry: Crabbe, Finnigan, Goyle, Longbottom ...

Ron: Longbottom! That's it, that's it. Neville Longbottom. Blimey, he used to drive old Snivellus up the wall. D'you know what he used to do?

Harry: Yes.

Ron: Oh. Cor. I wonder what happened to him?

Harry: He married a girl called Susan Bones, and they now live in Hogsmeade.

Ron: I don't think I ever met her.

Harry: Yes you did. July the fourth, 1995, you sat next to her on the Knight Bus to the Leaky Cauldron and she told you about the Ballycastle Bats. You were in love with her until the following Wednesday.

Ron: Hm. You've got quite a lot of information, then?

Harry: We try to provide a service. Anything else?

Ron: Yes please. Can you tell me ...

Harry: Yes?

Ron: Can you tell me how to be happy?

Harry: How to be happy?

Ron: How to be happy.

Harry: I'm afraid to say that information may be restricted.

Ron: Oh. You do have it, though?

Harry: Oh yes.

Ron: But it's restricted?

Harry: I'm afraid so. Sorry.

Ron: Contented?

Harry: Yes thank you.

Ron: No, any information on how to be contented?

Harry: Oh I see. Yes, we've got information on that.

Ron: Can I have it?

Harry: I'm afraid it's a secret.

Ron: Oh, go on.

Harry: All right. The secret of contentment is ...

Ron: Yes?

Harry: Don't ask questions.

Censored

Harry: Ladies and gentlemen, we were going to do a sketch for you ...

Ron: But we're not now.

Harry: No, we're not going to do it for you, now.

Ron: Or ever.

Harry: Or probably ever. Unless this country radically changes direction.

Ron: Looks unlikely.

Harry: Which does indeed look unlikely. The reason we're not going to do this sketch is that it contains a great deal of sex and violence.

Ron: A great deal.

Harry: Lots of sex and violence.

Ron: That's right. During the sketch, Harry hits me several times with a Firebolt.

Harry: Which of course wouldn't matter except that I hit Ron very sexily.

Ron: That's the trouble, you see. He does it so sexily. I wish you could see it.

Harry: And then the sketch ends with us going to bed together ...

Ron: ...violently.

Harry: Extremely violently. Now this raises problems.

Ron: Not for me.

Harry: Me neither, but Professor McGonagall didn't like it a bit, did she?

Ron: Well there was one bit she liked.

Harry: Yes that's true. She did like it one bit. But she didn't like it a lot of other bits.

Ron: But I don't want you to think that Professor McGonagall's remit with the school governors is so sweeping as to be a kind of government thought police.

Harry: No. The concern is primarily for standards.

Ron: Standards.

Harry: For the sake of the first years.

Ron: So, in a generous spirit of give and take, Professor McGonagall has taken our sketch.

Harry: And we've given it to her.

Ron: And she has written one for us to do instead, which is free of any gratuitous sex and violence.

Harry: And shows due and proper regard for decency and standards.

Ron: Promoting House unity and protecting the first years.

Harry: Professor McGonagall has called her sketch simply 'Bitchmother, Come Light My Bottom'.

Ron: And we're going to do it for you now.

Harry: 'Bitchmother, Come Light My Bottom', by Professor McGonagall.