A Bit of Potter and Weasley

Ron's Brain

Enter Harry, holding a human brain.

Harry: Ladies and gentlemen, I wonder how many of you know what this is? Well most of you will know that it's a brain, a human brain, but can you guess whose brain it is? I should tell you at first of all that for some time I've enjoyed a bit of a reputation as a practical joker, you see, and what I've done is this. While Ron was asleep in the dormitory, I crept in and very carefully removed his brain, being sure not to wake him up. This is Ron's brain. He'll be coming on in a second, let's see if he's noticed anything's amiss ...

Enter Ron, laughing cheerfully.

Ron: Hahahaha

Harry: Hello, Ron. What have you been up to?

Ron: I've just been watching Peeves the Poltergeist dropping a cabinet on a first year, he's so funny. Just brilliant. Completely brilliant.

Harry: Ha. Are you feeling all right?

Ron: Yeah, fine, fine.

Harry: Good.

Ron: And then I read a bit of an interview with Cornelius Fudge. That man is fantastic.

Harry: Do you think so?

Ron: Oh, he's wonderful. He's just what this country needs. He's firm, courageous, and his views on education are so enlightened, so sophisticated, so utterly enthralling. Well, he's an enthralling person, of course.

Harry: (To audience) It's great, isn't it? We can see the difference, but poor old Ron hasn't noticed a thing. (To Ron) D'you recognise this?

Ron: It's a cauliflower.

Harry: Hahaha. A cauliflower. Hasn't he been a sport, ladies and gentlemen? So what are you going to do now?

Ron: I thought I'd write a letter to the Quibbler.

Harry: Dear oh dear oh dear. Perhaps I've gone a bit far.

~|~

Cauldron

Ron enters a cauldron shop. Harry is behind the counter.

Ron: Hello. I'd like to buy a cauldron.

Harry: What sort of cauldron are you looking for?

Ron: I beg your pardon?

Harry: What sort of cauldron are you looking for?

Ron: Oh I see what you mean. Well, ideally I'd like one that's good at brewing potions ...

Harry: Yes.

Ron: ...but can also be used as a weapon.

Harry: A weapon?

Ron: I beg your pardon?

Harry: A weapon?

Ron: Oh I see what you mean. Yes, a weapon.

Harry: Mmm. Call me an unrestrained arsewit if you like ...

Ron: Perhaps later.

Harry: As you wish. Why would you want to use a cauldron as a weapon?

Ron: I beg your ...

Harry: Why would you want to use a cauldron as a weapon?

Ron: These are uncertain times. We live in a shifting quicksand of international tension, forever dancing uncertain and fantastical steps on the brink of war.

Harry: Merlin.

Ron: I think the optimum choice in the circumstances would be some kind of lightweight throwing cauldron.

Harry: A lightweight throwing cauldron?

Ron: Affirmative. Then I could use it as a weapon.

Harry: Forgive me if I seem to be labouring the point, but wouldn't it be simpler to use a weapon as a weapon, and use the cauldron as a cauldron?

Ron: I've already got a weapon.

Harry: Well doesn't it work?

Ron: Not as a cauldron.

Harry: Well let me assure you, all our cauldrons work as cauldrons.

Ron: But not as weapons?

Harry: 'Fraid not.

Ron: Huh. Well that's not going to be much good when they come parachuting into Hogsmeade.

Harry: Who?

Ron: I beg your pardon?

Harry: Who is going to be parachuting into Hogsmeade?

Ron: They are.

Harry: Who is 'they'?

Ron: I dunno. I'm not interested in politics.

Harry: I see.

Ron: I didn't have this problem with my broom.

Harry: Mmm. Your broom is a weapon?

Ron: In the right hands, yes.

Harry: A lightweight throwing broom?

Ron: Don't be stupid. It's a seek out and destroy broom. Modified for counter-insurgency operations.

Harry: Aha.

Ron: Perfect for the rough terrain surrounding the Hogsmeade area.

Harry: I see.

Ron: Quality Quidditch Supplies was most helpful.

Harry: Well I dare say, but this is a cauldron shop. If you want weaponry, I can't help feeling you'd be better off going to a specialist.

Ron: What sort of specialist?

Harry: Don't tempt me to answer that.

Ron: What do you mean?

Harry: Nothing. Nothing. I could suggest a set of brass scales, I suppose.

Ron: Semi-automatic, gas-cooled, hand-to-hand, hunter-killer brass scales?

Harry: Well, no, it's not much of a weapon really. Unless you're worried about potion ingredients parachuting into Hogsmeade.

Ron: I don't at this time have potion ingredients targeted as a priority threat.

Harry: Have you thought of a down to earth, honest to goodness wand?

Ron: A wand?

Harry: Yes.

Produces wand.

Ron: Don't be stupid. You could have someone's eye out with that.

Harry: I thought that was the idea.

Ron: Oh no. No no no. You misunderstand me. My whole life is based on the principle that I will never be the aggressor.

Harry: Really?

Ron: All I want is to be prepared.

Harry: To be prepared?

Ron: To be prepared for when they come parachuting into Hogsmeade ...

Harry: Yes?

Ron: And also for the moment when I suddenly feel like a potion.

Harry: I see.

Ron: You unrestrained arsewit.

Harry: You're welcome.