Attack Of The Plot Bunnies!

Attack of the Plot Bunnies

It was a small room, with little furniture. Just a desk, a wardrobe, a chair and a single futon bed. Ellie's sleeping bag filled the gap between the bed and the window.

It was just after midnight when they went to bed. They'd used half a bottle of Baileys to cushion the gap between reality and fantasy, the lights were out and conversation was sliding to a halt.

Stephanie lay on her back on her futon, trying to think of something interesting to say.

"Ooh... Ellie, I have to warn you, you might be attacked tonight. Those damn plot bunnies you know. They got me at about 4 o'clock yesterday morning, asking me why there weren't more Harry Potter fanfictions written from the Dementor's point of view... The bastards..."

"Kay..." said Ellie, who was already half-asleep. "tell you what, if one gets in here, wake me up and we'll deal with it together."

"Cool..."

The two girls drifted off to sleep, dreaming of various strange things. Suddenly, Stephanie was awoken by a strange noise. She sat bolt upright in bed mumbling something that sounded like "Get your hands off my buttocks..."

"Sorry..." muttered Ellie, without waking up.

Now fully awake, Stephanie noticed a strange furry shape lurking between the door and the dehumidifier.

Ellie propped herself up on her elbows. There was an odd noise from the doorway, which sounded rather like 'boink'.

Squinting in the gloom, she made out a silhouette which, in her half-asleep state, reminded her of the Duracell Bunny, only bigger.

"Steph?" she whispered. "Can you see that?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing... doesn't it look like the Duracell Bunny?"

"Yes. Only bigger..."

"Hummm..."

The thing-that-looked-like-the-Duracell-Bunny-only-bigger shifted slightly. The two girls involuntarily moved backwards. Stephanie raised an eyebrow.

"Put the light on." said Ellie. "I can't see it properly." She was sitting up now, with her back against the wardrobe.

Stephanie reached out with her left hand and fumbled for the switch of her bedside lamp. Everyone blinked as the room blazed with light. The small pink creature near the door wrinkled its nose and hopped from foot to foot.

"Evenin'." It said. "You two write Fanfiction?"

"Uh... yeah..." said Ellie.

"Harry Potter?"

"Mostly..."

The creature fished around in its back pocket and pulled out a grubby piece of paper. It squinted at it.

"Uh... I've got a Ginny Weasley/ Harry Potter fluff?"

Steph and Ellie looked at one another.

"Nope." Ellie shook her head. "Don't think that's for us."

"Damn." The Plot Bunny turned the piece of paper over.

"Ah... How about, err... I think it says Sirius/Remus slash with added Dementor angst?"

Stephanie raised her hand. "Err... that sounds like one of mine."

"Hang on a minute." Ellie was waking up properly now. "It's..." she pulled her watch out of her bag, looked at it, turned it round and looked at it again. "It's half past four in the morning. There is a two foot high pink rabbit in the room. Hello?"

Stephanie shrugged. "We are in Brighton." she said by was of explanation.

"Yeah. 'Kay." Ellie slumped back down in her sleeping bag and wrapped her arms over her head. The Plot Bunny took several steps forwards and jumped onto the prone black and green shape.

It wrinkled its nose again and poked Ellie in the ribs. "Hello?" it asked. "Hello? You Ellie?" The Ellie shape nodded underneath its arms. "Right... Ok... I've got an eventual Hermione/Draco or a 'Who is the strange new Muggle Studies teacher?"

And hand snaked out of the blankets, grabbed the scrap of paper and disappeared again.

"Now go away."

The bunny looked crestfallen and rather pathetic. It sniffed slightly and slid off the sleeping bag. Stephanie decided to take pity on it.

"What was that Sirius/Remus with Dementor angst you mentioned?

"She's got my list." The bunny pointed at Ellie.

Stephanie poked the prone form of Ellie.

"Hey." she said. "What's that bit of paper say?" Ellie emerged from her sleeping bag, blushing slightly.

"What?" demanded Stephanie.

"Umm, nothing. Nothing at all. I'll, uh, just, umm... keep this for a bit longer, ok?"

she tucked the piece of paper right down to the bottom of the sleeping bag.

"It's four thirty, can't you come back later?" she asked the rabbit.

"Um, I don't know..."

"Oh, go on. It's late, come back in the morning, we'll be in a much better state to talk to you then..." explained Ellie.

"Oh, alright then... 10:30 good for you?"

"I guess..."

"Fine, see you then."

The bunny hopped out of the room and silence once again descended.

"So..." said Stephanie eventually. "Are you going to tell me what's on that bit of paper?"

"Uh... in the morning. Sleepy." Ellie said.

"Okay." Stephanie conceded, and clicked out the light. There was a pause, the a rustling noise. A quiet clicking noise was followed by a faint glow, rather reminiscent of torchlight, coming from Ellie's bedding.

Stephanie snuggled down under her blankets, anxious to get back to sleep. The morning came surprisingly quickly, and she awoke as the bunny jumped on her stomach.

"Buh?"

"Wake up!" said the bunny. "Wake up! Ellie's gone! Vanished! With all my bloody plots, too!"

*** *** ***

"Argh!" Ellie jerked awake, scrabbling for her trusty notebook.

"She's awake!" somebody whispered. Ellie slowly looked round. Three girls were sitting side-by-side on a divan bed, watching her.

Hang on a minute...

Ellie fought frantically with the zip on her sleeping bag, which was as usual not where she expected it to be. Finally freeing her flailing limbs, she sat up and stared around.

There were two single beds and a double in the room, which was pink and white and frilly, with sloping ceilings.

"Talk to her, Jaymee!" hissed one of the girls.

"No, you talk to her, Candace!"

Ellie checked that the plot bunny's list was safe, opened her trusty notebook to a blank page, and realised what was missing.

"Has one of you got a pen?"

"Uh..." said Jaymee.

"Hi!" said the third one. "I'm Skyla! These are my best friends Jaymee and Candace!"

"Nice to meet you, said Ellie, sarcastically. "Now give me a *!?£#$! pen!"

They all flinched.

Please don't swear!" pleaded Candace. "You'll put the rating up."

*** *** ***

Stephanie had the plot bunny round the throat. She was shaking it back and forth.

The bunny coughed ineffectually, its eyes bulging.

Stephanie eventually released the rabbit in order to hear what it had to say.

"I have no idea where your friend is. All I was told was to deliver some plots to The9thDoctor and Ravenclaw's Graduate..."

"And that's us..."

"Well, your mate has just nicked an entire week's worth of plots! What the hell am I going to tell the lads back at the depot?"

"And you really don't know where she is?"

"Nope. Haven't a clue..."

*** *** ***

"Look, I've been visited by a plot bunny. I have to write. I need a pen. Or a pencil. Or a pin, I'll use my own blood if I have to!"

"You.. you have plots!" Skyla exclaimed. "Maybe you can help us!"

Ellie sighed. "What's up?"

"Writer's block. We're all stuck with our fanfictions." one of them explained. Ellie was losing track of which was which of the girls.

"So... why am I here?"

*** *** ***

"What do you mean, you have no idea?"

"Well, for a start it means that I don't know where your friend is..."

"Ah..."

"So you don't know where she is either?"

"Ummm.... No."

"Bugger." said the bunny succinctly.

"There must be something we can do!" said Stephanie. "... I can't believe I just said that..."

*** *** ***

Ellie finally found herself alone in the bedroom. She'd established that she was in America, in a small town she'd never heard of, in a state that she didn't know the location of. It was nine am, Saturday, and the girls had all gone to Band Practise, leaving her with three half-finished fanfictions to read.

"Harry Potter and the Road Trip." read the title of the first one. Ellie glanced at the summary.

"The Dream Team go on a Road Trip to Florida! Draco, Ginny, Cho and Snape come along for the ride!"

"Ugh. Dammit."

*** *** ***

Stephanie had got dressed and made herself a large cup of coffee. She sat in the living room sipping it slowly with the plot bunny hopping anxiously from foot to foot.

"So... bunny?"

It stopped hopping and looked up at her. "Yes?"

"I can't keep calling you 'bunny'. Do you have a name?"

The bunny mumbled something incoherently.

"Pardon?"

It glared at her. "If you must know, it's Adrian."

"Pfft..." spluttered Stephanie. "Adrian?"

"Yes."

"Right. Fine. Umm... So how do we go about finding Ellie?"

Adrian thought for a while. "Well, there could be one way..."

*** *** ***

By lunchtime, Ellie had read, and disliked, all three of the fanfictions, and spent a couple of hours on an idea gleaned from the plot bunny's list.

Eventually, the girls returned.

"Hi! How are you!" Skyla, who was wearing a pale blue tee shirt, bounced over.

"Hungry." grumbled Ellie. "Vaguely hungover. I need toast. With Marmite."

"Marmite?" said either Jaymee or Candace, the one in the pink tee shirt.

"Uh... yeast extract?" said Ellie, fishing for the correct term. The three girls had matching blank expressions.

"Peanut butter?" she suggested after a pause.

"Sure!" gushed either Candace or Jaymee, the one in the yellow tee shirt. "You want some jelly on it too?"

"Jelly? Oh, jam! No thanks. I don't like it."

They all looked affronted.

"Just some peanut butter sandwiches?" she said hopefully.

"Sure!" Skyla skipped out of the room.

*** *** ***

After a long pause Stephanie said "Well...?"

"Well what?"

"Well what was the one way you thought of to find Ellie?"

"Oh right. That..."

"So..?"

"We could go to HQ and use the computer there. If your friend uses one of the plots she took with her then we'll find her easily.

*** *** ***

"So, did you like my fic?" exclaimed Skyla.

"Um, honestly?" Ellie asked through a mouthful of peanut butter. Skyla nodded.

"Didn't like it. Totally OOC." Skyla looked crestfallen. Ellie felt guilty, or at least worried for her supply of sandwiches. "Look, do you want some tips?"

"Ooh, please!"

"Read these." Ellie plucked a box set of Harry Potter books from her sleeping bag. "Careful with them, they belong to my friend's flatmate." she paused. "I wonder what Steph's doing? Is she worried?"

*** *** ***

Stephanie was drunk. She and the plot bunny were sitting in the staff bar at Plotbunnies Inc. Adrian had explained that since the plots had gone missing they would have to wait until his scheduled time to use the Plotbunnies Inc mainframe, and they had gone to the pub. Stephanie sipped at her third pint of surprisingly good cider and continued talking.

"So, which of you guys keeps adolescent Americans in god-awful Mary-Sue plots?" she asked.

Adrian waved his glass of vodka and coke at a far table. Grouped round it were six or seven pale blue bunnies.

"They do. You see, there are three main typesh of your average plot bunniesh." he slurred. "Pink onesh like me, we're the ones who gives you sensible romance or angst plots. Yell... yellellow... yellow ones give you nasty ones you can never finish and blue 'uns tend to hang around bored American teenagers..."

*** *** ***

"Hey! These are soooo cool!" Skyla exclaimed.

"Uh. Yeah. But you've read them before?"

"Only the second one!"

Ellie thumped her head on the desk.

"Right. That's it. You three are just...." She threw up her hands. "You have no idea. You haven't read the books, your characters are wrong, your plots are crap, your grammar is appalling, and your anglicisms... words fail me! They fail you too, it seems..."

The pink tee-shirt-clad one started to cry. "But I wrote about jumpers and everything!" she sobbed.

"You've made Candace cry." stated the one who must be Jaymee, rather obviously.

*** *** ***

Stephanie and Adrian staggered along the corridor towards the main computer. Stephanie was giggling and they were leaning on each other for support, and interesting feat given the three foot height difference.

"So do you lot just do Harry Potter fanfiction, or other types as well?"

"Nah, just Harry Potter for us mate... The ferrets deal with Lord of the Rings fanfiction, and there are Pokemon fanfiction bears..."

*** *** ***

Ellie was compiling a list.

"Soda... sneakers... bangs... What the hell are bangs?"

Candace indicated her fringe.

"That's a fringe. Fizzy drinks, trainers, fringe. But some things we do say. Like sweater, for example."

The girls looked confused. Candace was still sniffing.

"Would... would you beta us?" Jaymee asked.

"Oh, alright. Not right now, though. I want a shower. And some time to work on my own fiction. And another cup of coffee..."

*** *** ***

"Pokemon bears? Seriously?"

"Yup, and Gundam Wing Otters."

"Riight.."

"Oooh! Here we are. The computer room." The bunny pushed through a small flap in the door. Stephanie turned the handle and they stepped into a small room. A computer was on a desk next to a toy Hedwig and assorted pieces of Harry Potter Lego.

*** *** ***

Ellie had several pages of fiction written, saved, emailed to herself and deleted from Skyla's hard drive by the time the girls 'fixed dinner'.

After they'd eaten, cheese and tomato pizza, Ellie corrected some points in Jaymee's fic.

"I think you need some new plots. There are really totally separate stories where the characters have Harry Potter names."

"Um. Okay." Jaymee looked disappointed.

"Hey girls, Shaun should be here soon!" Skyla was already wearing pyjamas, which conveniently continued the identifying colour scheme by having little pink flowers all over them.

"Oh, yeah, Ellie, you're gonna love Shaun!"

*** *** ***

Adrian switched the computer on. It went 'ping'. He typed in what was obviously his password and said "I'm just going to do a quick search. If any of the plots your friend has have been activated then we'll know." He clicked on a small icon in the bottom right hand corner of the screen, and the cursor turned into a small rabbit hopping, showing that the programme was running. Stephanie and Adrian waited in silence.

*** *** ***

The bedroom was now lit only by two small pink lamps. Ellie had crawled back into her sleeping bag with her trusty notebook and a pen she'd found under the bed.

It was pink and fluffy.

She'd got the plot list in bed with her, and had reclaimed the box set of books just in case she woke up back at Stephanie's.

Every now and then the quiet was punctuated by an excited squeak from one or other of the girls. Skyla and Candace were sharing the double bed, in an entirely platonic manner, and Jaymee had the other single and a huge stack of frilly pillows.

There was a noise from the window. It sounded rather like 'boink'.

"Shaun!" squealed Skyla. "Shaun!" Then she emitted a girly scream.

*** *** ***

The computer went 'ping' again and a page of text appeared on screen.

"These are all the new plots which have been activated today." Adrian explained. He scrolled down and Stephanie managed to catch some of them. There seemed to be an awful lot of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" stories, and one rather worryingly titled "Antonialori Potter goes to Hogwarts". Stephanie felt slightly sick at the prospect.

"Ah! Here we are... Ravenclaw's Graduate... Ah... Oh..."

"What?" said Stephanie, craning her head so she could see the monitor more clearly.

*** *** ***

"Hi!" said what could only be Shaun. He looked like the other plot bunny, only blue.

"Hi!" chorused the girls. Ellie just looked at him.

"Okay, Harryz Gurrl..." Shaun had a small hand-held computer. Candace leapt out of bed.

"Yes!"

"Sign here please." He offered her a short plastic stick, and she signed the little screen. He pressed a few buttons.

"Right, we have a Hermione makeover story! Summer with American cousins, she goes back to Hogwarts and all the boys love her! Gratuitous use of the word 'panties'. Okay?"

"Sure! Cool!"

"DracoIz$exy!"

It was Skyla's turn to look perky.

"Harry goes to an American High School for No Apparent Reason! So does Draco! Fights and snogging! Invent your own love interests!"

"Ooh, golly!"

"And me?"

"Jaymee looked hopeful.

"Erm... hang on... I've got a You-Know-Who's daughter transfer going spare. Any use to you?"

"Okay, stop. Stop stop stop stop stop!" Ellie got out of bed. "It's no wonder they write such bad fiction, you bring crap plots!"

""what does crap mean? I've always wondered..." Candace mused. Ellie looked momentarily taken aback.

"Erm, well, literally it can be either a verb or a noun meaning 'poo', but it's used to mean bad, not very good..."

"Oh. Thanks."

"So, what have you got to say for yourself?"

*** *** ***

"She's WHAT?!"

"Ummm... She's writing your Remus/Sirius fic."

"Ooooh! That's not nice!"

"Never mind, you can write one of hers..."

"I CAN'T!" Wailed Stephanie. "I can't write straight 'ships! I write angsty slash! That's what I do!"

"There there..." said Adrian, patting her on the shoulder.

"Humpf. Anyway, I guess we better find her. Where is she?"

"Well, it says here that she's in a town called Springfield, Colorado. So, America. I wonder how she got there?"

"Never mind how she got there, how are WE going to get there?"

"The Plotbunny Express^TM." said Adrian, turning off the computer. "Come on, this way!"

*** *** ***

"I can't help it! I'm just doing my job!" protested Shaun. "I'm a Blue Plot Bunny, we deliver Mary-Sue plots."

"You have divisions?"

"Yeah..."

"I got a plot from a Pink Bunny last night." Ellie pulled out the list.

"Tuh!" said Shaun. Typical Pink, scrap of paper." He snatched it, and pressed some more buttons on his computer. "No technology, no organisation, that's the trouble with Pinks. And they've got no excuse. I mean, Yellow are in a state, but then they've had a Plot Squirrel infestation and lost all their endings."

Ellie didn't want to ask.

"Oh dear." Shaun had found something on his computer. "You shouldn't have all these. This is a whole week's worth of plots. Have you used any?"

"Uh, yes."

Shaun pressed yet more buttons.

"Oh dear oh dear. You've activated the wrong one!"

"I have?"

"Yes that one was specifically tailored for somebody called The9thDoctor."

"Ohh, Steph's going to kill me..." Ellie looked nervous.

"I can take it back. Give me what you've written, we can clean it out and re-issue the plot."

Skyla turned on the computer.

"Can we read it first?"

"Okay." said Ellie. "You can read it while Shaun here explains why he can't get you some decent plots."

"I told you, it's not my fault!"

"You need to change your system!" Ellie settled in for a good long rant.

*** *** ***

The Plot Bunny Express^TM looked disturbingly familiar. It was a large red steam train with gold trim. Stephanie and Adrian climbed aboard the engine.

"Are you sure you're in a fit state to drive?" asked Stephanie. Adrian looked offended and pulled a big red lever. The train moved off.

"The Plot Bunny Express^TM can take you anywhere in the world. It's how we deliver plots. You just tell it which author you want to visit and it should take you there. Now hang on!"

Stephanie hung on, looking around her. "Is it just me?" She asked, "Or have you just lifted the Hogwarts Express?"

"Shhh!" said Adrian urgently. "Not so loud!"

Eventually the train ground to a halt. Adrian and Stephanie clambered out and found themselves standing, rather improbably, on a landing.

"She should be just though here..." said Adrian, pointing at a door.

Ellie was indeed in the pink bedroom, along with a sobbing blue plot bunny and three teenagers seated at a computer looking very green.

"Hi!" she said. "I heard the 'boink'. Shaun tells me that I've accidentally used your plot, but he says it can be reclaimed."

"Hummmm..." said Stephanie non-committedly.

"When he's stopped crying..." the blue rabbit on Ellie's lap let out a fresh wail and she absent-mindedly handed him a tissue.

"Blues are so emotional." muttered Adrian.

"So... What happened to you then?" asked Stephanie. "Who are these guys?" she said, pointing to Skyla, Candace and Jaymee.

"I have no idea how I got here. I just woke up and here I was." Ellie shrugged. "The girls are Skyla, Candace and Jaymee. This is Skyla's house, but they have a sleepover every Saturday so that Shaun can deliver to them all at once.

"Hummm..." said Stephanie again.

"They don't know how I got here either. I've been trying to rescue something from their awful fics."

"Is one of them called something like "Harry Potter's Gurl"?" asked Stephanie.

"Harryz Gurrl, actually" said Candace. "Are you The9thDoctor?"

"That's me!"

"Well then, about this fic..."

"Hang on, Shaun's going to get that cleaned and reissue you with the plot!" Ellie stood up, putting Shaun on the floor where he sniffled half-heartedly.

"And it's a good thing too! You'll never guess what this weirdo is doing to Remus and Sirius!"

Stephanie gasped. "You mean... Ellie! You haven't made them... straight, have you?! Tell me you haven't!"

"I haven't! It's finest slash, that fic!"

"You mean...! They're supposed to be...! Excuse me!" Skyla ran for the bathroom.

"What's up with her?" asked Stephanie.

"This is.... sick." said Jaymee. "I mean, two men... Eww!"

"MWPP era?" Stephanie asked Ellie, ignoring Jaymee.

"Nope. Post Azkaban. It's a 'Sirius has nightmare, Remus comforts him fic. Want a look?"

"Sure." Stephanie barged past Candace and Jaymee. She nodded approvingly. "Nice internal tortured monologue..."

"Thanks." Ellie blushed. "I do my best..."

"Hey, nice use of the kitchen table here... this is pretty good, although I usually do Remus a bit differently." Stephanie finished the fic, as Skyla came back into the room.

"Right." said Shaun, looking businesslike again. "Do you want this plot reclaimed and reissued, or do you want a new one?"

"Nah, Ellie's done alright with this one, gimme a new one... something juicy."

Shaun scanned through his little computer.

"Um, I could do you a Sirius/ Original Character romance?"

"Bugger that! I'll have you know I'm a dedicated Remus/Sirius slasher... The thought of Sirius with anyone else is just.... urgh! Yuc."

Adrian had reclaimed his grubby list.

"Well, you were only allocated one this week. I'd have to have a word with my supervisor..."

"Back to HQ then?" asked Stephanie. "What about the Americans?"

"They should come too." insisted Ellie. "It's about time somebody gave them a decent plot. Come on, girls, get dressed!"

The three Americans hastily pulled on jeans. Identical jeans and horrid pastel tee-shirts. Stephanie shuddered and stomped out of the room to the waiting train.

"Ooh! The Hogwarts Express!" squealed Jaymee.

"Oh for gawd's sake, how many more time?" muttered Adrian. "No! This isn't the Hogwart's Express. It's the bloody Plot Bunny Express^TM and don't you forget it!"

"Isn't he just the cutest!" gushed Candace. "Pink's my favorite color!"

Adrian took a step backwards.

"Oh come on!" snapped Shaun. "Get on the train! We haven't got all day, you know!"

"Do you think he's jealous?" whispered Ellie.

"Who knows?" replied Stephanie. "It'd serve him right, handing out American transfer fics left, right and centre, I'll bet. Not a decent slash amongst them..."

"Just the occasional appallingly OOC Draco/Harry" guessed Ellie as they followed the others onto the train.

"Hah! Not even that! Look at their reactions to your post-Azkaban. I think Thingie was actually sick. Nope, it's Harry/Mary-Sue or nothing for that lot..."

"I guess." said Ellie, falling over suddenly as the train lurched forwards. "We have to help then!"

*** *** ***

They arrived back at PlotBunnies Inc. at what was clearly the main entrance. There were Plot Bunnies bustling around, and the occasional bear. At a window marked 'Freelance', an elk was arguing with the receptionist.

"Er, Shaun, is that an elk?" asked Ellie.

"Oh, yeah." said Shaun, glancing over. "Yeah, he does Lone Ranger fics. Very small market. Evening, Martin!"

The elk nodded at him sadly.

"What's he doing here then?" asked Stephanie.

"Bit of freelancing. If someone comes up with an idea that doesn't work in their territory then they usually hawk it about..."

They walked through the entrance hall and Stephanie caught a snatch of the elk trying to convince the receptionist that a Harry Potter western was a really inspired plot.

"I saw him trying that idea on the Otters over in Gundam Wing back on Thursday." said Adrian quietly. "Poor old Martin. His job's not worth much any more."

"How exactly does a Gundam Wing western work?" mused Stephanie. "How do they explain the giant robots?"

"They don't. That's why they turned him down."

Suddenly, a door banged open a little further down the corridor, and various yellow Plot Bunnies spilt out, shouting.

"This is you fault! Now how are we going to meet our targets?"

"It was bad enough already, after all the ending went. Blasted squirrels."

"Hey, look! Writers!" The yellow bunnies rushed over.

"Can I interest you in a final showdown plot? Harry v. Voldemort?"

"Who wins?" asked Ellie.

"Uh... How about a Ginny/Draco will they-won't they romance?"

"Will they or won't they?" enquired Candace.

"Err..."

"You seem a trifle... unsure..." said Stephanie. It's those bloody squirrels." said a yellow bunny.

"Squirrels?"

"Plot squirrels." explained Adrian. "They broke into the yellow warehouse, which is short stories, and stole half the endings."

"Yeah, and now Jon here's just told the Head of Allocations that we won't be able to meet our targets."

"And the Head of Allocations has cut our bonuses until we improve." said another bunny, glaring at the hapless Jon.

"But we've got no endings!" wailed the first bunny. "My wife's going to be livid!"

"Is there anything we can do to help?" asked Stephanie.

Shaun sunk his head into his hands, but the yellow bunnies looked delighted.

"Would you? Please! That would be great!"

"Yeah, all right. If you can help us get Stephanie a new long Remus/Sirius angst fic and something from either pink or yellow for the girls here." said Ellie. Shaun glared at the implied slight to blue plot bunnies, but Ellie raised her eyebrows and he didn't say anything.

"Okay, have you got somewhere we can work?"

"Just follow me!" said Jon.

They went through a yellow door and along a series of corridors to end up in a long room with a large conference table in it.

"Take a seat and we'll begin."

They all sat down.

"Right." said Jon, picking up a stack of index cards. "Harry and Ron have gone to rescue Hermione, who's been kidnapped by Wormtail. They fly to Bulgaria, team up with Krum, and..."

He held up the card, which had been chewed.

"that's all we've got."

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!" said Stephanie. "The only way they can rescue her is by Ron and Harry getting off with each other for a strange reason that nobody really understands!"

"No!" squealed Skyla. "Only the timely arrival of Harry's American girlfriend distracts Wormtail enough for Ron to rescue Hermi!"

Jon looked slightly worried.

"Er, how about this one?" he picked up the next card.

"MWPP era... Your basic Lily/James love/hate plot really, with a bit of 'Oh my God, Remus is a werewolf' thrown in. We get to the Yule ball and..."

"Lily's American cousin turns up and gives her a makeover so James really fancies her but she doesn't realise and then Lucius Malfoy hexes James and Lily goes all 'oh God James is hurt' and then they kiss!" said Skyla, all in one breath.

"Aww!" said Jaymee and Candace together. "That's so cute!"

Stephanie made a disgusted noise. "Yuck." she said. "You've got it all wrong. Sirius should mope about a bit, worrying about Remus and Remus gets all angsty about the others finding out, James and Lily get together somewhere in the background and convince the puppies that they love each other really."

Jon dropped that card quickly.

"Okay... How about this one?" he picked up a card that was a lot more chewed that the rest. "Draco and Harry..."

"Is that it?" asked Ellie.

"'Fraid so..."

"Oooh! how about Draco and Harry transfer to an American High School?" shrieked Candace.

Stephanie tutted. "I prefer 'Draco and Harry shag.' Got the makings of a bloody good PWP there."

Jon banged his head on the table. There was a pause, then a crash in the corridor. Everybody looked at the glass panel set into the door.

"Plot Squirrel!" yelled Shaun.

"Leave this to us!" said Ellie, leaping to her feet and sending her chair flying. "We'll catch it, our legs are longer than yours!" She wrenched open the door and vanished into the corridor. Jon looked at Stephanie.

"I thought she said 'us'?"

Stephanie shrugged. "Whatever... Now, about my new plot?"

*** *** ***

Ellie turned right and started to run. The plot squirrel was almost at the end of the corridor, fleeing with a plastic carrier bag in each hand. It turned left at the end.

Ellie was there seconds afterwards, skidding to a halt as she tried to turn. Looking down the corridor at the retreating squirrel, she saw some more plot bunnies beyond it.

"Stop that squirrel!" she called, feeling faintly ridiculous.

These rabbit were the biggest she'd seen so far, about three feet tall with black fur. The biggest one stuck out a fist, straight into the oncoming squirrel's stomach.

Ellie winced. That HAD to have hurt.

The squirrel folded to the floor, pieces of chewed paper falling from its bags.

*** *** ***

Adrian had stolen Shaun's computer and has connected it to a socket in the wall. He tapped a few buttons.

"I'll download you a new plot from the central computer. Any preferences as to era?"

"Not really, anything's good."

"Well, I can do you a 'stormy night on top of the Astronomy tower - first kiss' jobby, and 'Azkaban dreams with happy ending' or a 'lies low at Lupin's.' Any good?"

Stephanie wrinkled her nose, as the Americans looked queasy.

"What is your damage?" enquired Candace.

*** *** ***

"Thanks." Ellie slid to a stop by the prone squirrel and squatted down to gather up the stolen endings.

"No problem." The largest of the three black rabbits smiled at her. "Are those the endings that were stolen from the yellow warehouse?"

"I hope so." Ellie stuffed the last one back into the bags and stood up. "We've been having limited success thinking up new ones."

*** *** ***

"Eh?" said Stephanie.

"I mean, why do you have to make everything so... gross?"

"Gross?"

"It's just... wrong... Remus and Sirius can't be... gay." said Candace. whispering the last word.

"Why not?" asked Stephanie, reasonably.

Candace looked like she would burst into tears.

"It's just... wrong." she repeated.

"Oh, so your one of those, are you?" Turning her back on the Americans, Stephanie faced Adrian. "Don't you have anything a little more... angsty?"

*** *** ***

The two slightly smaller black rabbit had hauled the unconscious squirrel away.

"So..." said Ellie, to break the silence. "You're a black Plot Bunny?"

"That's right." said the black plot bunny. "There are only eight of us. We specialise in NC17 scenes, passionate sex, rape, gory death, that kind of thing."

"Oh."

*** *** ***

"Well, I can provide you with the set up for a dark fic about Sirius rescuing Remus from Snape's unwanted advances, but you'll have to go to black sector for the rest of it..."

"Black sector?"

"That's where the darkfic bunnies hang out. They don't do the whole plot, just the more... graphic bits."

"Sounds like the chaps for me!" said Stephanie. "Where do I find them?"

At that moment though, Ellie came in, flanked by two pitch-black bunnies.

"Hello!" she said, dropping two carrier bags on the table. "I got you some endings. Bram and Vlad here helped me stop the squirrel, Vlad and Flopsy took it down to..." she looked at Vlad, the slightly shorter of the two.

"Interrogation." said Vlad, with an evil grin. "It'll probably be put into Hibernation." The way he said it conjured images not of well lined nests in trees, but small concrete rooms with no windows.

"Cool." said Stephanie.

"Isn't it?" Grinned Bram.

Ellie shook her head in despair.

"Adrian says I should have a word with you guys about the missing scenes in this Remus/Sirius/Snape fic..."

"Oooh!" said Vlad. "One of my specialities! Have I got angst and weird sex for you!"

Candace burst into tears. Jaymee put an arm around her.

"Why do you have to be so horrid?"

Vlad shrugged. "S'my job. I'm the Slash Bunny. Besides, it's fun."

"Slash Bunny?" Ellie looked at him askance.

"Yup. I do slash, Bram here does gory death, Manson does hetero sex, Rhea does rape scenes, Attila does incest, Loki does the stuff that's just plain depressing, Steve does bestiality and Flopsy does the really rude words."

"What about... twincest?" asked Ellie.

"Oh, that's just sick!" Vlad looked ill. "That sort of thing is just... wrong. It's gross! Those fics are purely the product of diseased minds, we take no responsibility for that sort of thing!"

Stephanie and Vlad had disappeared into a corner of the conference room and were discussing their plot idea in loud voices. Ellie caught the words "Snape", "disused classroom", "against a wall" and "cloudracer 500" before she managed to block them out.

"Careful, you two, we have under 17's here!"

"Oops." said Bram, pulling something out of his pocket. He handed large brown paper bags to the Americans. "Put these on, girls."

The Americans took hold of them and put them over their heads obediantly. Ellie noticed that someone had drawn stupid faces on the bags and that Bram was looking particularly guilty.

Over in the corner, Vlad had finished his description of the various slash elements of the plot.

"Pretty good!" said Stephanie approvingly. "But it's missing a certain something..."

"Like what?"

"It's just too... jolly."

Vlad look surprised. "Snape almost rapes Remus in a deserted Charms classroom and you think it's too jolly? You need to talk to Loki."

"The depressed angst bunny?"

"The very same. I'll call him for you."

"Okay then," said Ellie, who was getting bored, "you go and talk depressing plot lines with Vlad and Bram, and Shaun here can take me to find some proper plots for these girls."

"Sure, sure, whatever." said Stephanie, waving absently at Ellie.

"Hey! What about my endings?" asked Jon.

"The Americans can help!" called Ellie as she followed Shaun and Adrian out of the room. "Byee!"

Bram looked around at the Americans, and followed Ellie.

Jon muttered something very rude under his breath.

*** *** ***

"So, who do we talk to?" Ellie asked as they walked along a corridor.

"I'm not sure. It's not something that's ever happened to me before." Shaun had reclaimed his little computer, and was checking it carefully for damage.

"I think we need to see Nigel." said Adrian shakily.

Shaun stopped dead and swallowed hard.

"Yes." he said. "I suppose we do."

*** *** ***

Jon had taken the Americans into a far corner and was trying to explain the concept of a plot with no Americans in it. He wasn't having much luck.

While they were busy, another darkfic bunny had entered, tugging nervously on one of his ears.

"Hello..." it said in a voice that reminded Stephanie of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

"Hey Loki!" said Vlad. "We need your expertise. Any thoughts on how to make an R/S/S more depressing.

"Yeah." said Loki. "Tons."

*** *** ***

They went back through the main entrance hall, where Martin the Plot Elk was still pleading with the receptionist.

"How about a Harry Potter Winnie the Pooh crossover? Pooh, Tigger and Piglet turn up in the Forbidden Forest?"

"Yeah." mutter Bram to Ellie. "And get eaten by Remus in werewolf form!"

Ellie sniggered. "Well, Piglet anyway. Never did like Piglet..."

Adrian stopped at a small office. He stuck his head round the half open door.

"Hi Julie, is Nigel free?"

"Sure!" said Nigel's receptionist, a petite pink plot bunny. "Go on through."

*** *** ***

"So..." said Jon patiently. "You think the best was to complete a Sirius in Azkaban plot is for his American penpal to turn up and rescue him.... Why?"

"Because it would be really cute!" said Skyla.

"She could tell him that she's fancied him for ages and then they could kiss!" added Jaymee from behind her bag.

"Completely disregarding the fact that he escapes on his own to go after Wormtail in Canon, of course..." pointed out Jon.

"Canon?" asked Skyla.

"The original books - volume 3, Prisoner of Azkaban?" Remember?" Jon could tell that behind their bags the girls were looking blank. "Oh God..." he said, hitting his head on the floor.

*** *** ***

"Good afternoon. What can I do you for?"

Nigel was a white rabbit. He was wearing a novelty tie, and his office walls were covered with little mottoes like

"You DO have to be mad to work here!"

"Uh... Good Afternoon, Nigel." said Adrian. "We... Um..."

"You... Um..." Nigel mimicked, grinning at them. He seemed to notice Ellie for the first time.

"Well hello!"

"Uh... hi." Ellie smiled weakly.

"What's a pretty thing like you doing here?"

Being patronised by a slimy rabbit... thought Ellie. She switched on her best 'getting-money-out-of-great-uncles' smile.

"We need your help."

*** *** ***

"So he just... leaves?" said Stephanie, wiping away a few stray tears. "that's just so sad! It's fantastic!"

Loki looked a bit happier. "You really think so?"

"Yeah!" said Stephanie. "It's amazing. You're a genius!"

"Thankyou." said a still stunned just-bloody-depressing bunny. "Glad I could help."

"Have you two got any more ideas?"

*** *** ***

"So, you want me to overturn protocol and issue decent, type-pink plots to type-blue authors?" Nigel set one of his executive toys in motion.

"Please." Ellie wished that she wasn't still wearing her pyjamas. Partly because she could see that she'd have to flirt for some decent plots, and that wasn't easy in a large cream tee shirt adorned with a picture of sleeping otters, and partly because Nigel was something of a letch.

"I'll see what I can do." Nigel leant back in his leather-look tilting/swiveling office chair. "Anything for our writers..."

*** *** ***

Vlad and Loki were arguing.

"No, no, no, no! Remus and Sirius have far more angst potential than Harry and Draoc..." said Loki, almost shouting.

"I'm sorry, but think of the Harry/Draco potential for really weird sex... They get obsessed with each other and..."

"DEMENTORS!" shouted Loki, so loud Jon and the Americans visibly flinched.

"Ummmm...." began Stephanie, before being cut off by Vlad throwing a punch at Loki.

The door bounced open. "I'm back!" Ellie stood in the doorway. Clustered behind her were Adrian, Shaun, Bram and another pink plot bunny.

"Oh good." said Jon, rather unenthusiastically. Bram wandered over to where his colleagues were fighting.

"Now, now, boys."

Vlad and Loki looked up. Vlad had Loki in a headlock and Loki was punching him in the stomach.

"You know better than that." continued Bram. "What have I told you?"

Vlad looked contrite. "No fighting without you... I know. Well, what are you waiting for?"

Bram took a running jump and landed on top of the other two bunnies, flailing his limbs enthusiastically.

Ellie, who had been watching in fascination, suddenly remembered what she'd been doing.

"Ooh! Girls, I got you some decent plots!" She spluttered with laughter when she turned to face them. "Um, girls, you can take the bags off now!"

The girls calmly removed the paper bags, paling when they saw the whiling mass of black rabbits.

"Uh, guys, can we lower the rating please?" Ellie asked.

Vlad looked up from his position on the floor. Bram had sunk his teeth into his arm, but Vlad was making a valiant effort to batter Loki round the head with him.

"Oh, sorry, it's just that sometimes we get carried away. It's all Bram's fault. Bloody gory violence bunny."

Ellie sighed, thankful that they hadn't been under the influence of Vlad the gay sex bunny. She was a strong girl, but she had her limits.

"Right. Thankyou." She turned back to the girls. "Okay girls, this is Huw. He's your new plot bunny."

"Hello." said Huw, with a welsh lilt.

"He's going to take over from Shaun." Shaun tried to hide his relieved expression, not particularly successfully.

"Huw was recommended by Adrian." Ellie continued, starting to sound vaguely like the headmistress of a junior school. "Isn't that right, Adrian?...Adrian?"

"Huh?" said Adrian, who hadn't been listening. "Um, where's Stephanie?"

*** *** ***

Stephanie had slipped out quietly while the darkfic bunnies were fighting, in search of something more interesting. She soon found it in the form of a large door. On the door was a notice that read:

CENTRAL COMPUTER BANK

DO NOT ENTER!

EVER!

AT ALL!

FOR ANY REASON!

THIS MEANS YOU!

Stephanie pushed open the door and went in. What she saw in there was very interesting indeed.

*** *** ***

Ellie sat down heavily on the table, which was more convenient than plot bunny sized chairs.

"Now what?" she sighed. "I want to go home! Steph's got her new plot, the girls have their new supply of decent plots, we've recovered some endings for the yellow rabbit." She didn't seem to be talking to anybody in particular.

"I'm at the headquarters of an organisation I didn't believe in yesterday, I'm wearing pyjamas and I WANT TO GO HOME!"

*** *** ***

Lit by a spotlight in the centre of the small and otherwise pitch-black room was a chair. In the chair sat.... somebody. Stephanie wasn't sure about much more other than the fact they were human. Their hair, skin colour, height, weight and gender were completely indeterminate.

"Umm... who are you?" she asked what could only be thought of as an 'it'.

The person lifted their head and looked at her mournfully.

"Can't you tell?" it said in a voice that sounded sexless and computer generated.

"I'm Blaise Zabini."

*** *** ***

A red light started to flash over the door, and a siren wailed.

"ALERT! ALERT!" said a pre-recorded message. "CENTRAL COMPUTER BANK BREACH! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"

"Three guesses who's responsible for this..." Jon muttered.

"Uh... Arabic terrorists?"

"Death Easters?" Jon shot the Americans a withering look.

*** *** ***

"You're who?"

"Blaise Zabini."

"Err... How? I don't know how to break this to you but you're... well, fictional is the only word I can use really."

"I used to be, and now I'm here. Why do you think I'm only mentioned once in Canon and never again?"

"Poor characterisation?"

"The plot bunnies stole me. Now I make up all the fanfiction plots fot them."

"Oh..."

*** *** ***

"Come on!" Adrian hurried to the door. "We have to get to her before security do!"

He set off, and everybody followed, with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

*** *** ***

Blaise flickered slightly.

"Why do you keep doing that?" asked Stephanie.

"Because I have no form in Canon, I have to rely on my characterisation from fanfiction for substance. However, when anyone remembers I exist at all they will always have conflicting ideas. Some writers think I'm female, others male. It's quite a drag really, especially when I'm an American transfer student..."

Stephanie nodded sympathetically.

*** *** ***

Ellie had a vague suspicion that there was a Keystone Cops plot-creature around. There seemed to be an awful lot of skidding around corners and running through doors going on. Adrian was leading them, closely followed by the darkfic bunnies. Jon and the other yellow plot bunnies, who had finally returned from a protracted and previously unmentioned tea-break, were next, then Ellie, clutching her packed-up sleeping bag, boxed set of books and trusty notebook. Shaun and Huw brought up the rear with the American girls, who seemed to be able to run and talk at once.

"There!" Adrian shouted, taking a sharp right into yet another corridot, which led to a door marked:

CENTRAL COMPUTER BANK

DO NOT ENTER!

EVER!

AT ALL!

FOR ANY REASON!

THIS MEANS YOU!

It was open.

"Stephanie?" called Adrian. "Are you in there?"

"No!" came the reply. "I'm not."

"Oh." said Adrian. "Okay then."

"Silence descended. Ellie coughed.

"Steph... we need to get out of here..."

"Ok..." she called back.

Nothing happen except for the sound of hushed voices inside the room.

"Steph... security are on their way. We need to go!"

"Ellie! could you step in here for a minute?"

"No... it says 'no entry'..." said Ellie. There was a pause. "Oh, *!?£ it, all right then." She stepped into the room. "what?"

Stephanie pointed at Blaise. "Ellie, I want you to meet Blaise Zabini."

"Hi." said Ellie. "Nice to meet you. Steph, we have to go now!"

"Err... Ellie, I don't think you understand. THIS IS BLAISE ZABINI! From the books? Remember? Fictional Character Alert!"

"Right, okay. Well she... he... Blaise can come with us, but security are on their way!" Ellie grabbed Steph's shirt sleeve and tugged her towards the door.

Stephanie sighed, but both her and Blaise followed Ellie from the room.

"Finally!" cried Adrian.

"Oh, no, wait, THAT can't come! Put it back!" Shaun wailed, pointing at Blaise.

"Tough!"

Blaise stuck its tongue out at the bunnies.

"Come ON!" Ellie almost yelled. "Look!" she pointed up the corridor to where several security dogs were running towards them.

"Oh no!" moaned Adrian as the dogs got closer and closer. Suddenly Stephanie barked loudly. The dogs skidded to a halt.

Everyone stared at Stephanie.

"What?"

"Okay..." said Ellie, no taking her eyes off the dogs. "Shaun, can The Plot Bunny Express^TM pick us up from here or do we have to go to a particular place?"

"Though here!" Shaun pushed open an ornately carved wooden door, and they all scrambled through.

"I hear la, la-la-la, la-la-l, and I'm young and in love..."

Trilled an elephant.

"Oh... I'm sorry." mumbled Shaun. "I didn't realise you were practising."

"That's all right. We're almost done." replied the singing elephant.

Stephanie looked round the huge room. It was fitted out with one wall covered with mirrors, and what could only be described as an elephantine ballet barre. Two more elephants we in a corner. One was holding a piece of sheet music in it's trunk while the other was seated at the largest piano she had ever seen.

"Gosh." said Ellie, suddenly sounding very BBC. "What a big piano."

"Well, we'd look silly with a small one, wouldn't we!" said the elephant with the sheet music. Ellie stifled a laugh. He was very camp, for an elephant.

"I'm Sebastian." He laid down the music on the piano and extended his trunk. Ellie looked blank for a moment, then shrugged and stuck out a hand. Sebastian shook it.

"Hello, I'm Ellie. What do you do here?"

"We're plot elephants." Ellie smiled politely. She'd figured that out on her own.

"And what plots do you do?"

"We do West-End musical crossovers!" The elephant who's been singing ambled over. "I'm Alexander." He proffered his trunk, and Ellie shook it. He was just as camp as Sebastian.

"This is Cyril." Sebastian indicated the pianist. "He doesn't talk."

Ellie was somehow not surprise that Cyril was wearing a cravat.

"Cool. What are you working on at the moment then?" asked Stephanie.

Sebastian stepped forward. "Oh," he gushed. "It's darling Alexander's best plot yet! It's a reworking of La Cage Aux Folles for the discerning Harry Potter client."

"Oh, my favourite!" said Stephanie. "How are you going to fit everyone into the plot?"

"Well," said Alexander, "we're putting Sirius and Remus as Georges and Albin, and obviously Harry will be the son. He's engaged to Hermione, and her parents are Muggle who disapprove of magic, so Sirius and Remus have to pretend not to use magic..."

"That could work..." Ellie nodded. "But what about the gay/night-club aspect?"

"Ah.." said Alexander. "Well, I'm rather proud of how I've worked that."

At that moment, though, there was a loud barking from the direction of the door,

"Oh no!" screamed Skyla. "The guard dogs!"

"Bugger." cursed Adrian. "Now what?"

"Humpf." trumpeted Sebastian. "Let us help you! Quick, everybody onto the piano!"

Alexander and Sebastian started to pick up the visitors using their trunks, and depositing them on top of the giant piano, out of reach of the ferocious dogs.

The elephants started pushing the piano towards the door.

"How are we ever going to get through there?" asked Stephanie, before she noticed that the small door through which they had entered was actually set into a much larger pair. Cyril stamped on the floor level door lock and pushed through the doors followed by Alexander, Sebastian and the piano.

The plot elephants took them to an underground platform, where The Plot Bunny Express^TM was waiting for them. The girls 'ooohed' over it again, and climbed aboard along with Steph, Ellie, Blaise, Adrian, Shaun, Huw and the darkfic bunnies.

"Colorado, here we come!" called Shaun as he pulled the lever. Everybody stood by the windows to wave goodbye to the elephants and the yellow bunnies.

The train rattled along for a few minutes, then drew to a stop with a familiar sounding 'boink' on a familiar looking landing.

"You stop, I believe..." Adrian said to the Americans. "Huw will be along next week with some new plots. In the meantime I strongly suggest you read ALL the books before attempting to write any more fanfiction."

The girls nodded and stepped off the train,

"Oooh! Steph, can I ask you something?" asked Jaymee. Stephanie shrugged and they went to talk for a few minutes in a corner. There was a lot of whispering, which ended with Stephanie writing something down and reboarding the train, grinning.

"What was that about?" asked Ellie.

"I was furnishing young Jaymee with the URL's of some of the finest slash around..." Stephanie slapped Ellie heartily on the back as the train moved off. "there's hope for her yet..."

"Now where?" Vlad fiddled absent-mindedly with one of the larger levers.

"What should we do with Blaise?" asked Ellie.

"Shouldn't we take her... him... it.... back to JKR?" suggested Stephanie. "Maybe she'll be able to include 'it' in one of the later books."

"Good plan." said Ellie. "Can this contraption take us to JKR"

"The plotbunnies went into a multi-coloured huddle.

"Ummm..." they said eventually. "Technically, yes, but..."

"But we're not supposed to interfere. We can't give her plots or characters or anything."

"But surely we can give her Blaise!" exclaimed Ellie, providing the first exclamation mark since the girls had left. "I mean, she... he... it... is JKR's creation!"

"That's true," admitted Adrian. "Ok, JKR's it is."

He pulled another lever, and they were soon in Scotland.

"I'm afraid we can't actually stop." Huw said. "We can't run the risk of anybody knowing the exact location. Blaise will have to jump."

They explained the plan, and Blaise jumped out of the train at an undisclosed location to met his... her... its creator.

"Home, please!" said Ellie with relief.

"Well, my home, anyway." clarified Stephanie.

It only took a moment before they were back in Stephanie's bedroom. There were various goodbye's exchanged, and promises make to keep in touch, Then the rabbits got back on the train, and Stephanie made spaghetti.

They would have had a very peaceful night's sleep if it hadn't been for the knock at the door at 3:30.

"Gah..." muttered Ellie, pulling her pillow over her head.

"Go away, Phil, it's 3:30 and I don't have any Rizlas!" called Stephanie.

"Um..." said a voice that belonged to neither of Stephanie's flatmates, but yet was strangely familiar.

"Who IS that?" demanded Stephanie, as she got up to open the door.

"Um..." said an unmistakable silhouette.

"Martin!" chorused the girls. The Plot Elk walked into the room, as far as his antlers would allow.

"Have I got a plot for you guys!" he said.

Ellie rolled her eyes. Martin didn't notice.

"There are these two girls, right, fanfiction writers, and they get visited by this plot bunny, right, and one of them meets these American teenagers, and then they all go to Plotbunnies Inc. right, and they help out after a squirrel infestation, meet the darkfic bunnies and Nigel the controller, okay, and then they rescue Blaise Zabini!" He looked at them hopefully.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard..." said Ellie.

Stephanie pushed Martin back through the door.

"Goodbye, Martin." she said firmly, shutting it in his face.

"But..." came a plaintive voice through the door.

"GO AWAY!" they both shouted.

THE END!