The Secret Diary of a Dark Lord

The Secret Diary of a Dark Lord.

News Years Resolutions.

I will kill Harry Potter.

I will force Malfoy Snr to cut his damned hair, and get rid of that pimp cane.

I will conquer the world.

I will tidy my room every week.

I will find a new house elf. The dirty dishes do not wash themselves.

I will not have thoughts I shouldn't be having about Bellatrix, no matter how H-O-T she is.

I will kill Harry Potter.

I will get myself a girlfriend.

I will get myself that darn prophecy. I have a feeling I've done something I shouldn't.

I will get myself a friend who isn't just scared witless of me, or after my power.

I will get rid of that spot that's coming on my chin.

Jan 2

Harry Potter not dead.

Ran into trouble over Harry Potter again. Lucius just twirls his cane and flicks his hair and drawls, "In time, Master." While ogling Bellatrix. Grr. Memo to self. Send her husband (with Lucius) on suicide mission. And why not snivelly Pettigrew too. I don't even know why I got him in this sect. Oh, something about the Potters, wasn't it? Past his sell by date a bit hasn't he? Hmm. Must find inventive yet extraordinarily evil way to kill him. Demonstration of my powers. Yes. Must put my mind to that task today. Also must find a way to give Crabbe and Goyle brains. They really don't get the fact of why I have to kill Harry Potter.

Jan 3

Harry Potter alive and well. Personally I don't care.

Entire sanity has been called into question. Why do I have to kill Harry Potter?

Jan 4

Harry Potter still alive. Not vg.

All good again. Malfoy (while twirling cane and flicking hair and ogling Bellatrix) reminded me that Harry Potter is the only one who can defeat me. Forgot about that. Need to conquer the world, and can't have small bespectacled boys annoying me.

Jan 5

Harry Potter not dead. V bad.

Why do I need to conquer the world?

Jan 6

Harry Potter still not dead.

Need to conquer world because otherwise Mudbloods will overrun our beautiful pure blood world. Oops. Forgot.

Jan 7

Harry Potter very much alive.

Stupid Mudbloods. Sullying everything. That's what Malfoy said, anyway.

Sŭll'y, v.t. Soil, tarnish, diminish the purity or splendour of (reputation, character, victory etc.), disgrace.

Clear as mud.

Jan 8

Harry Potter still converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

Spot on chin grown to vast proportions. Afraid Bellatrix will think I don't wash. Have used masses of concealer (Malfoy's-I nicked it.) Still visible. Keep having to run to the loo to check concealer has not rubbed off.

Jan 9

Harry Potter still has blood pumping. Grr.

Think Bellatrix thinks I do not wash. I swear she kept looking at my chin disgustedly.

Jan 10

Harry Potter probably laughing at me because he's not dead.

Bellatrix gave me body wash for Christmas. Proves she thinks I don't wash.

Jan 11

Harry Potter alive. Not the issue today.

I think I smell. Seriously. Bellatrix gave me the body wash, and everyone keeps his or her distance from me. I'm fairly sure this has been going on for a while. Not good.

Jan 12

Harry Potter alive.

Asked Pettigrew if I smell. He said no, and asked why. I confided in him. He said people avoid me because I am all powerful and awe inspiring, therefore is a good thing they avoid me. Felt better. Then he said people avoid him all the time for the same reason. Felt ill.

Rodolphus on suicide mission. Hopefully will die soon. Then just have to kill Malfoy and Bellatrix will be all mine. Mwahahaha.

Jan 13

Rodolphus came back having succeeded the mission-he had to buy new furniture for HQ from Ikea. Unfort. can't use it due to Mudbloodness. R thinks I'm mad.

Jan 14

Spent whole day trying to understand Ikea instructions.

Jan 15

Had them upside down.

Jan 16

Put first desk up. Was great fun. Most fun I had since unleashing Basilisk. Must get more Ikea products.

Jan 17

Malfoy pointed out picture on box was of a chair. More fun taking it apart and putting it right.

Jan 18

In all the excitement forgot about Harry Potter. But who cares, there are more pieces of furniture to put up.

Jan 19

Put up two things today. New drawers and a table. Sent R out to buy toolkit and lots of wood. Want to make own things.

Jan 20

Nott helped me chop up wood. Bellatrix started muttering about men and DIY. All Death Eaters but her getting into making furniture thing. And Malfoy, but he just doesn't want to ruin his hair.

Jan 21

Got a power tool!!!!!!!!!

Jan 22

Found free Muggle magazines. Said men in mid life crises start running after younger women and have an obsession with DIY and power tools.

Jan 23
Bellatrix 15 years younger than me. Have drill + other ecklectrikal items. Have too many desks/chairs/wardrobes to fit into HQ.

Am having mid life crisis.

Jan 24

Burnt IKEA products today since are Muggle + therefore v. bad. Plus will distract self from sole aim: killing Harry Potter.

Nearly cried when my first chair went up in flames.

Jan 25

Harry Potter has not yet kicked the bucket.

Malfoy brandished his pimp cane at me and told me I must have my plans in motion very soon-when Potter was fourteen, by this time we had cooked up an entire hostile takeover bid and it was going well, with Potter falling into every single trap we had laid.

I pointed out that Malfoy had not helped.

He pointed out that I had failed.

Jan 26

Harry Potter still alive.

Have a feeling Malfoy is trying to stir a revolt up against me. He and the others stand in corners and laugh whenever I walk past. He also told me he thought IKEA products were a bad idea. Must dispose of him soon. He's getting suspiciously rebellious.