Mary Sue and the Rollercoaster of Doom

Mary Sue suddenly sensed great danger, "Aunt Selma, don't go!"

"Shut up girl. Just because you're jealous doesn't mean you can spoil little Annikin's day by shouting!" Aunt Selma slammed the door behind her so hard that every other door in the house fell off its hinges.

Half an hour later,after she had found hitherto undiscovered talents for composition, violin playing and carpentry, Mary Sue sat down in the highly advanced potions lab she had constucted in a corner of her closet from three soup cans, a washing up liquid bottle, and some sticky backed plastic. She desperately wanted to find a potion to bring about world peace, but she was horribly afraid that, even with her wonderful and unprecedented powers, it would still take her a little longer than ten minutes.

She had just reached a vital point in her experiment when she heard the doorbell ring. She Apparated downstairs and opened the door to a woman wearing long purple robes and a witch's hat. The witch turned from examining the dollar sign shaped doorbell.

"Um, hi. Are you Mary Sue Parody?" Her voice, Mary Sue recognized, was something like her own - the enchanting music of a thousand heavenly harps. It was only marred by, Mary thought, a somewhat ugly British accent.

"Yes, I am. Who are you?"

"I'm your other aunt, Linaya Assumpta Parody, your father's sister who hasn't seen you since your parents died," she said. "Look, I've just found out that your aunt, uncle and Cousin Annie have all been horribly decapitated in a freak rollercoaster accident, so I've come to take you to live with me in England and have wonderful adventures."

"I knew something awful was going to happen to them if they went out!" Mary Sue cried.

"Yes, it's very likely that you're pre-cogniscant, you know. Your Father was."

"Wow. I never knew!"

"I know. Have you discovered your aptitude for telekinesis and carpentry yet?"

"Just this morning!"

"These things tend to manifest themselves in impossibly beautiful girls of sixteen who have previously led difficult lives. I myself found that I had a rather unusual knack for setting peoples' hair alight," she said happily. "Came in terribly useful at university."

"Oh. Um, if I go to England, how will I get to school?" asked Mary Sue.

"Well, of course it would be easier and more convenient for everybody if you simply apparated across the Atlantic and stayed at the school you currently attend. But I've decided that it would be much more useful to the plot if you attended Hogwarts and everybody fell in love with your good looks and powers of judgement there."

"Excellent!"

"I know. Aren't I wonderful? I always was, you know. You'll get on quite well at Hogwarts, and you needn't worry about the Houses, since there's one been created especially to hold the recent influx of new girls, exchange students and long lost relatives of current staff and those people connected to Harry Potter. Oh, and I'll always be around to help you, since I'm conveniently going to be the new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor there."

So Mary Sue left America, which was full of useless non-canon characters out of my head, and left to join the world created by JK Rowling, which was full of intriguing postboxes, jam, and owls. She only hoped that she would make new friends.