The Death Eater's Daughter

Chapter Fourteen - Vulnerability

Luci was starting to accept it. But it had taken a couple of days of berating herself and reminding her heart that Draco had very bad blood and was vindictive and vengeful and all sorts of other horrible things. Eventually, though, she realized that she didn't believe any of it. She thought he was simply wounded and vulnerable, and half the time, he didn't even show it, because he was funny and clever and even a little affectionate. She loved her brother. She had tried desperately not to, she really had. But she was giving up.

Now she had to focus on controlling these emotions, just in case there came a time when she actually had to protect him. She knew that she wouldn't be able to think straight if she let her love for him be at the forefront of her mind when she needed to be on the attack. Besides that, she couldn't ever, under any circumstances, let anyone know how she felt. This was such a disaster. All she could do now was try to deal with it.

A few mornings after her jolting discovery, she showed up a little late for breakfast, and Draco pried, "You sure are acting weird lately."

"She's always been a strange girl," commented Narcissa, as though Luci wasn't even there.

She ignored her and answer her brother, "Sorry, got a lot on my mind."

"Such as?"

Luci smiled softly and came up with something he might believe. "It isn't the easiest thing to plan a curriculum for you, you know. Sometimes, it's a little overwhelming."

He grimaced. "Well, sorry to be such a burden."

"You are not a burden!" she corrected herself hastily. "At all! Okay?"

Draco nodded.

"It's just that I feel a little out of my league sometimes. My courses were pretty different from yours, and I just don't want to be a failure here. I want you to pass with flying colors."

Narcissa scoffed.

"Something you'd like to share?" Luci asked her.

She narrowed her eyes. "I imagine you're a failure in every way. Therefore, I am making sure that Draco has the knowledge necessary for him to succeed in this world."

Frowning, Luci almost choked, "You're just teaching him Dark Arts though, right?"

"Mmm, perhaps. I know what is important for him to learn." At this, the woman stood haughtily and left the room with a very pleased expression playing on her face.

Luci turned to Draco, her mouth agape.

"It's nothing," he said. "I've been wanting you to teach me Dark Arts anyway."

"I will if you want," she replied weakly.

Narcissa was right. Luci was a failure in every way. Now here she was, playing out these ludicrous scenes, being eaten alive by her emotions, feeling completely and entirely incapable of all of these things being asked of her...

"Hey, don't listen to my mother," Draco cut into her thoughts.

"Why not? She's absolutely right."

"Shut up," said her brother. "Name one thing you've ever failed at."

She could name a million, but she answered, "Keeping a straight face when you make Weasley jokes."

Draco laughed. "Yeah, well, no one can resist my stand-up act."

"A failure certainly couldn't," she grinned.

"Always with the self-hatred," her brother scrutinized. "You'd think you were me."

"Why? You suffer from it too?"

"Sometimes. Remember, you're talking to the world's biggest failure."

"Shh," spewed Luci, hoping no one had listened in to their conversation. Then quietly, "Draco, failing the Dark Lord is easier than breathing. He's a little demanding, you know. If you ask me, you're not a failure in the least."

Draco looked significantly at her for a moment. "Why are you saying this?"

"Because we're friends," she smiled cautiously.

He beamed, and she felt her heart go marshmallow light.

"Bout time you admitted how much you like me," he teased.

"Now if only I could get people to like me!" Luci laughed back, a little too loudly.

At the other end of the table, she saw Harry frown wonderingly at her.

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Later that night, after more than an hour of just lying there, letting her thoughts run rampant, Luci rolled out of her bed. She threw on a pair of jeans and wandered downstairs toward the drawing room. She hadn't spent a night in there in a very long time, and the idea of it soothed her frazzled mind.

"Oh," she sputtered, noticing Harry on the couch and feeling her heart flip flop. "Sorry, I'll go..."

"No," he stopped her. "Up late again?"

"Look who's talking," she smiled softly as she seated herself opposite him. She suddenly didn't feel very good... Except that she felt wonderful and alive... It was just this stupid force of nature; she was drawn to him. And she couldn't let herself be!

"You were right," Harry was saying.

"That's always nice to hear," she answered hesitantly. "What about?"

"I shouldn't have left here alone."

She had been correct about the night he'd left - something had changed between them. And though she found herself wanting to know everything that had happened, she replied nonchalantly, "You did what you thought you needed to do."

He merely shrugged in response, thus she ventured, "So you found what you were looking for?"

Harry's eyes went wide with something like fear at having been found out, and while Luci was slightly insulted at this, she threw him a harmless smile and assured, "It was just a guess. I don't know any of your secrets."

When he seemed relieved, her heart sank. She spewed, "You really don't trust me at all, do you?" and then wished instantly that she could take it back.

Especially because he responded, "Well, you can't blame me."

An overwhelming cloud of rejection darkened Luci's heart. Somewhere along the way, she had begun to care what Harry thought of her. She wasn't sure when it had happened. She only knew that she wanted him to like her.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she almost cried, more hurt than she should have been.

"You spend a lot of time with Malfoy, that's all. Bolted up in his room. It's a bit dodgy, you have to admit. What are you up to, anyway?"

What was he suggesting? Some kind of conspiracy? God, he was so damn paranoid.

"What I do with Draco is none of your business."

"This is my house!"

"You keep saying that, Harry," she returned angrily. "Do you want us to leave?"

"I want him to leave."

Luci squared her shoulders. "Where Draco goes, I go."

"What? Why?" he croaked, his eyes wide.

Oh, dear. She was already becoming unable to hide her protective instincts for Draco. And now she'd raised Harry's suspicions...

"What are you doing with him?" he went on. "Is there something going on with you two?"

She felt her jaw go slack and stammered, "Oh. Wow. Absolutely not."

They sat there silently for a moment. She was feeling enraged. And nauseous. He was her brother, for fuck's sake. Of course, she couldn't tell Harry this, so instead, she responded, her voice as level as possible, "Not that it's your concern, but I'm helping him to prepare for his N.E.W.T.s. Minerva said that, under the circumstances, if he took them and passed, he wouldn't have to repeat his seventh year. We're not doing anything dodgy, as you put it."

He cast his eyes down. "I'm sorry. I just... You acted like you had something to hide. I was just... I'm sorry."

No, he wasn't. He didn't trust her, and she couldn't trust him. So she immediately got to her feet and bit, "I'm not hiding anything. I'm a private person, that's all. And now, I'm going back to bed. I'm sorry I came down here in the first place."

He bolted from his seat at her words and sputtered, "Luci."

Her heart stopped, restarted waveringly, stopped again, and then pounded. She looked up at him, and she was furious, but she wanted him to say her name again. And again and again... What was wrong with her?

Averting his eyes, Harry said, "You have to understand, I hate Malfoy. He's always up to something, and you're just... always with him..."

The desire faded as the fury took over. "We're going in circles here. I told you what we were doing. You don't trust me. That's fine."

"I do trust you..."

Luci narrowed her eyes at him. "I just... really can't believe that right now."

"What do you want? Proof?"

She didn't know what was going on, or how they got here.

"I don't want anything from you!" she spat back. "Your trust issues are your problem, and to be honest, they're understandable, considering your past, so like I said, it's fine."

It wasn't fine at all, of course. She was hurt. But she knew that she shouldn't be. Couldn't be. She simply would not allow herself to have any weakness for this boy as well!

Holy shit, I should just shut myself away...

"Duel with me," came his voice, a little frantically.

She wobbled her head to clear it, thinking maybe she hadn't heard him properly. "What?"

Harry sucked in a breath. "I'll prove to you that I trust you. Ron, Hermione, and I always perform defensive spells on each other. Now that they're gone, I need the practice. And it'll help with the boredom," he added.

Luci was flabbergasted. What had just happened? Were they hanging out or something now?

"Seriously?" she frowned.

He bobbed his head in affirmation.

She inhaled sharply, "You don't have to prove anything to me."

"I want to," was his soft answer. And she couldn't help herself, but she believed him.

Nevertheless, she snapped, "Well, I don't see how dueling builds trust." And she didn't.

His eyes grew slightly wider, and he declared, "It does; believe me! When you're vulnerable to someone..." Then he broke off for a moment, before concluding, "Well, if nothing else, it'll be... fun."

Still entirely unsure of what to do or say, and knowing for certain that she didn't want to be vulnerable to Harry Potter, Luci responded slowly, "I don't know how much help I can be to you, Harry. I may surpass you in knowledge, but you greatly surpass me in real experience, which is a far better teacher."

Something inside of her didn't want him to know what a fraud she was, that she was no more a decent Auror than she was a Pure Blood, that she had no idea how to truly fight against dark magic, that she was somehow destabilized every time she was near him...

"It doesn't matter," Harry was saying. "Knowledge is what I need."

Overcome by the idea of it all, she uttered, "I'm exhausted."

She just wanted out of the conversation. But mentally, it was the truth.

"Tomorrow night, same place, same time?" asked Luci, but she had no intentions of dueling with him.

"Okay," he agreed, with a small, hesitant smile.

Luci's heart skidded inside of her chest, and very nearly frightened by it, she could only hurry from the room without another word.

Once alone again, she undressed mechanically and crawled into bed. She missed Persephone, who always settled on her pillow, right next to her head, and soothed her to sleep with gentle purring.

She also missed mental clarity. Why did Harry affect her so... physically? Why did her heart race and her chest tighten and her stomach flutter? She had admitted, the moment she'd met him, that she found him kind of magnetic. She'd, very regrettably, even admitted to Kristen that he attractive. But so were Josh and Charlie and Bill and loads of other men who did nothing for her. There was something else. Something thrilling. And Luci had to stomp it out before it went any further. She simply couldn't handle anything else.

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The next night, she had decided not to meet him after all. She was lying in bed, already in her pajamas, arguing with herself.

Stay away from him! said a voice

But I don't wanna! responded a second.

At least go and explain yourself, suggested a third, probably the most rational of them all.

And this was the one that she heeded.

After much deliberation, she got dressed and went out to the drawing room.

"I've thought about it, and I've decided that I'm not a worthy opponent for you."

He had been sitting on the couch, in the dark, and she had only come to say this, or any excuse to get out of it, and then to leave immediately.

But Harry looked over and replied hurriedly, "You know that isn't true. You're just still mad at me about last night."

That wasn't her reason at all, but she allowed, "A little of both."

He stood up, facing her, and frowned. "Well, get over it! I've apologized, and you're brilliant enough to become an Auror, so you can obviously duel circles around me."

Luci's mouth fell open. Did he just suggest that she get over it? Before she could stop herself, she gave a short laugh. And realized that maybe he was right. It wasn't like she had feelings for him. It wasn't like she couldn't control herself and push away whatever and whomever she pleased. She'd always been terrific at it.

So, in keeping with her new mood, she went on, "I love how you've just called me out, but you should know that I don't normally take criticism very well."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Except from yourself."

Wow. Clever. Her instinct was to flare at him for that comment, but then she realized that he wouldn't have said such a thing if he hadn't been paying attention. And she was flattered that he had.

"Touché, Potter, touché," she concurred.

"Potter?" he gaped.

She shrugged. "Harry. But it's a duel. Last names in a duel. You should know; you call Draco 'Malfoy' all the time. So, where shall we begin?"

He dropped his hands to his sides. "I... uh..."

Luci grinned. "Well, come on, Harry, this was your idea! You must have some routine."

She didn't know what she was getting herself into, but she had rapidly grown so buoyant that she didn't much care. She wanted to be in his company. Somewhere, one of those voices was shouting warnings, but she had turned it off.

"We just... throw spells at one another..." Harry had answered.

"Okay," she said in understanding. "Prepare to be owned. Potter."

And she was outright flirting now, but she couldn't stop herself. What did it matter anyway? In a few months, she'd never see him again, and then, she could at least say that she didn't allow herself to be entirely miserable in this house.

Harry was looking confused. "I... what? Owned?"

"Too foreign?" giggled Luci. "Sorry. I was just saying that I was going to crush you, but it's not really true, of course."

"Whatever you say..."

He threw his body into a defensive position, and Luci realized that she had already adopted the stance herself.

Seeing her advantage, she commanded, "Expelliarmus!"

His wand flew from his hand, and he complained, "Hey, that wasn't fair!"

Luci gave him her best Anne Boleyn smile and replied, "Oh. I didn't know we were playing fair."

And when he grinned in response, she knew that she was done for.