The Alternative to Loneliness

Ch. 14

Declarations & Decisions

Something wasn't right. There was something decidedly off about the whole thing, but Draco couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

He hated that.

He shook his head in irritation. He had thought that after he charmed Harry with his wit and all that romantic dinner nonsense, that he would be satisfied. Oddly though, he wasn't. And he didn't even know why. He scowled as he made his way to breakfast.

It was three days after the candle lit dinner for two and something was bothering him about this whole situation. There really wasn't any reason for it to. Harry and he had snogged in several broom closets, made out in the Quidditch changing rooms, and kissed on the Astronomy Tower. Harry was as insatiable as Draco had always hoped he would be. Yet something was nagging at the back of his mind and he couldn't ignore it anymore. No matter how nauseatingly sentimental it sounded, no matter how common and undignified.

Harry only seemed to want his body.

Not that he didn't understand; he was a fine specimen of manhood, certainly. He had a very desirable body. But he'd been sure that he'd made it abundantly clear to Harry that this wasn't about sex for him. He certainly enjoyed that part of it, but that wasn't the point. He loved Harry, but all Harry seemed to love was kissing.

He strode angrily into the Great Hall and slumped into a chair beside Blaise. The other boy lifted an eyebrow at him.

"What's the matter, Draco? Had a tiff with lover-boy already?"

Draco's scowl deepened. "Certainly not. And mind your own business, although you never do."

Blaise sniggered and poured Draco a cup of tea. "Now, now. My infinite knowledge of the goings-on in this castle have proved invaluable before. I wouldn't say such things if I were you."

Draco decided not to answer. He drank his tea in silence for a moment and then a thought struck him. "Blaise," he said slowly.

"Hmm?"

"Why is it," Draco asked curiously, "that unlike the rest of our house, you seem completely unfazed that I'm seeing Harry 'The Boy Who Lived' Potter? I mean, he's a Gryffindor and all that. Doesn't it bother you?"

"Oh," Blaise said airily, unfolding the morning paper. "Well, if I disapproved, that would make me a filthy hypocrite, wouldn't it?"

Draco upset his teacup. "What?! You're seeing a Gryff as well? Who?! Oh please tell me it isn't Granger..."

Blaise giggled. "Don't be silly, Draco. I would never date Granger. The very thought repulses me. No, I bat for your team, dear."

The blond stared at him for a long moment. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"That I'm gay?" Blaise asked, turning the page. "Yes, that's what I'm saying."

Draco was speechless, which had happened only three times thus far in his life. "You bastard!" he hissed finally.

Blaise narrowed his eyes. "On come now, you can't be upset about it. You are too."

"Not that," the blond ground out. "You didn't tell me! Some friend you are, telling me all that bloody useless gossip and not telling me this! Made me struggle through it on my own, eh? How fucking kind of you."

Blaise's mouth was wide open. "Are you really that upset?"

There was a long pause, then Draco finally grumbled, "I suppose not. But I wish you'd told me."

Blaise patted the blond's hand in a reassuring manner. "Sorry dear. Never happen again, cross my heart. I just didn't think you'd approve of my little lion."

Draco was pouring himself another cup of tea. "You never did tell me who it was you're shagging."

"Seamus Finnigan," Blaise said calmly, helping himself to a cranberry scone.

Draco's second cup of tea quickly followed the first.

~*~^~*~

Harry was having a wonderful morning. He'd had seconds of bacon at breakfast, Ron had grudgingly said good morning when Hermione stomped on his foot, and as soon as he found Draco it would be even better. He'd never known how much he could like kissing. Kissing Draco was completely different from any other he'd ever experienced. It was a revelation. And he couldn't seem to get enough.

His heart leapt. He'd just spotted Draco's platinum hair leaving the Hall. He hurried to catch up.

Draco was talking to Blaise Zabini when Harry reached him. Zabini gave him a friendly smile; Harry nodded in greeting.

"I'll leave you two alone." Blaise grinned at the two boys and quickly sauntered toward Herbology.

Harry turned to Draco, whose whole face had lit up at the sight of him.

"Morning Harry." Draco smiled, leaning in for a kiss.

Harry jerked away. "Not here," he hissed. "Everyone's watching."

Harry knew instantly that this was the wrong thing to say. Draco looked as though he had been struck. There was a hurt surprise in his quicksilver eyes, his mouth slightly slack in an expression of disbelief. In an instant, it was replaced by his former mask of cold indifference. "I see," he said in a slow, harsh voice. "I see. I'll be on my way then."

"Wait," Harry cried. "Don't you want to see me later? I wanted to ask you to meet me after Quidditch."

Draco eyed him angrily. "To snog, you mean?"

Harry's face burned bright red. "Well, er, I mean, if you don't mind..."

Draco's eyes flashed. "I see. It's all well and good to snog me in the locker room, or some closet, or the Astronomy Tower, but only as long as no one else sees, is that it?"

"No," Harry said desperately. "I mean, yes. Sort of. I mean, I do like you but it's..."

Draco held up his hand. "I don't want to hear anymore. I've had it with this. You think it's funny to treat me like your toy? You think that this is what I wanted?"

Harry was terribly confused. "Don't you want to kiss me? You always seem to."

"Of course I want to kiss you, you half-wit!" Draco yelled, causing the other students to stop and stare. "And hold you at night and make love to you and all that rubbish. But you won't let me, because you're bloody ashamed of me!"

Harry was speechless.

Draco continued. "Harry," he said, his voice low and harsh with pain. "I love you. I'm not sure I made that clear before, but I love you. I want to be with you, and not just physically. I want to be your boyfriend, not your fuck buddy. I want you to love me back, not just make out with me in closets because you don't have to deal with the consequences. I'm not just going to be your plaything. I have a heart too, as incredible as that may sound, and you're breaking it by using me like this. If you decide that you want what I want, you know where to find me. And we can snog and make love and buy a little flat in the country and go on holiday together, just like every other couple. But if not, just leave me alone. It hurts too much."

Harry stared at the blond Slytherin, stunned beyond words. Draco stepped into Harry and planted a soft kiss on his lips. It lasted only a moment, but it was the most intense kiss they'd shared. It was charged with feeling that was unlike the passionate kisses from earlier. It reminded Harry of partings. It reminded Harry of goodbye.

"Something to think on," Draco whispered, his hands cupping Harry's cheeks, their noses just touching. They stayed that way for a moment, simply staring into the other's eyes. Then Draco turned and walked away.

~*~^~*~

Colin was in the library going over his Transfiguration notes. Or rather, he was meant to be looking over his notes, but he couldn't seem to concentrate. He was too busy thinking about Luna and how beautiful she had looked last night. Just the thought of her made him relaxed and peaceful and inspired. It was her particular form of tutoring that brought on the thoughts, of course. All the spells worked perfectly, the images she gave him worked well, but then the process of focusing magic always made him think of Luna and the winding, clenching, bulging feeling she described. His wand being...well...his wand and the spell being the climax.

Imagining that every time he did a spell, of course he would find his mind returning to Luna. But then those sorts of thoughts always gave way to those of his feelings for her, more important and lingering thoughts, indeed. How was he so lucky to be by her side and to hold her in his arms and to hear her light and airy voice say his name?

It was out of these thoughts he was so rudely interrupted when the one person he wished least to see suddenly sat down across the table from him.

Harry.

"Hi Colin," Harry said distractedly, his hair in an even messier state than normal. "Can I ask you something?"

Colin's heart fell. It had been such a lovely morning, too. He'd actually slept a little bit, with only one nightmare of naked Harry! And now the real Harry was sitting across from him asking to talk. "I suppose so. I mean, I don't know how much help I'll be but I'll try, I mean, if I can be any help at all, that is."

"How did you know you loved Luna?"

Colin opened his mouth to speak, but then realized just what Harry was asking. It seemed that his once-hero was asking for love advice. He blinked for a moment, then saw Harry lean forward expectantly, and immediately started wracking his brain for the event in question. A thousand memories flashed through his brain like snapshots and they all meant something deeply special to him, but he wasn't sure how he could explain them to Harry, or the way he knew the way they made him feel.

"Well, I'm not really sure, you see," he started, speaking quickly to try to keep up with the memories scrolling through his head. "I mean, I've always sort of liked her and looked over at her because she was really pretty and original, even in first year when I didn't know her and we'd never met, but I guess that's where it really started, you see, because when I was in the hospital ward, Madam Pomfrey said that she would come every day and read to me and hold photography books over my face so that I could see them and I suppose if I think about it, I knew it was happening, but Madam Pomfrey says that's ridiculous.

"But you know, I always thought it was really special and personal, what she did, because we didn't know each other and we'd never met even though we had charms together. But well, you see, when I heard about that, I started to wonder what it would have been like if she had been petrified and how I would feel about that and I realized that I really didn't want that to happen because then I wouldn't be able to hear her voice and listen to all the interesting things she says and her way of looking at the world, and I couldn't stand the idea of it. And so that's when I really realized that I loved her."

Harry was quiet for a long time. Then he spoke in a soft voice.

"I'd never even thought about what my life would be like without Draco. He was always there, annoying the hell out of me the entire time I've been at Hogwarts. I always took it for granted that he would be here and that he'd be a part of my life. And now I can't imagine him being any way other than what he has been these past few weeks. He'd been so charming and sweet and caring in his own odd sort of way. I can't even think about how I'd feel if I could never see him again."

There was a silence between them, and then Colin said, "Well, if you ask me and I guess you would be, since you asked me about me and Luna and all, but it sounds to me as if you do love him."

Harry looked up, startled. "You really think so?"

"Well," Colin said thoughtfully. "I mean, doesn't it seem that way to you?"

Harry was silent, then whispered, "I love Draco?" He looked up at Colin, eyes wide. "I love Draco."

Colin smiled. "Well, it looks as if you know it now and that's a big relief!"

Harry's face fell. "But now that I realize it, it's too late."

Colin looked at him curiously. "What?"

Harry sighed. "He's upset with me because he thinks I'm only in it for the...er, the snogging and stuff. I've treated him pretty badly."

The smaller boy frowned, but then looked up at Harry with a bright face. "Well, then you really should apologize to him and tell him that you love him. And it would be really nice for you to do something nice for him, like maybe give him a present. I always give presents to Luna if we've had a tiff and I want to say I'm sorry."

"Yeah." Harry brightened considerably. "You're right. I'll just think of something really..." He trailed off, his eyes thoughtful. "Colin," he said slowly. "I need your help."

Colin stared up at the ceiling of the closet. He had gone there directly after talking with Harry. The morning had been lovely. He'd had only one nightmare and had gotten some rest and had been ready for the day, ready to greet the world with optimism. With Luna's tutoring, his marks had improved and Professor McGonagall had even complimented his transfiguration yesterday. It had all been great.

But now...

Why had he spoken to Harry? The older boy had been less than civil to him lately and he had grown less and less fond of his once-hero. But of course Colin never liked to disappoint people. He was eager to help where he was asked to and of course it didn't hurt that this bit of help had promised to ensure the end of Colin's involvement.

Unfortunately, that was before Colin had learned what his help would involve.

"It is a tour?"

Colin looked over at the doorway to find Luna framed in the light from the torchlit corridor behind her. He wasn't surprised to find her here. She seemed to always know which closet he was in. She smiled down at him. "Are we napping early today?"

Colin shook his head. "I'm sorry, Luna. I came in here to think because Harry wanted me to help him with something and I don't really want to do it but if I do, then that will be the end of it."

"Yes, it is a tour," she said, closing the door behind her and settling into a pile of fresh linens. "Of the places that are significant to Harry and Draco."

Colin blinked. "How do you know?"

Her eyes widened. "Was it not a tour?"

"Yes, it was," he confirmed. "I mean it is. And he said that I would need to know the Slytherin password, so I think I know what that means and I'm hoping that it doesn't but I'm sure it does."

"It is Old Money," Luna said, shifting closer to him and taking hold of his tie.

"Well, that isn't really the problem, Luna. I think he wants to go into Draco's room and I think that means that he's going to do things in Draco's room I'd rather not see him do!"

"And quite possibly in Draco's shower as well," Luna added, slipping his knot free.

Colin placed his hand on hers. "Luna," he said. "I mean...not that I mind and all and I really like it and everything, but you're always doing everything for me and I'm feeling really selfish and all!"

"But you are tense as a crup, Colin!"

He leaned up on his elbows and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I know I'm tense and I really do appreciate it, but I want to do something for you because you're always doing something for me." He leaned forward and kissed her.

She slipped his tie out from his collar and smiled. "Well, I would like to help if I may," she said. "I know all the passwords a person could ever wish to know and you have taught me how to hold mirrors for lighting. If I am there, maybe it won't be so terrible for you."

Colin sighed in relief as he pressed her gently back against the pile of linens. "It would be helpful," he admitted. "I don't think that Harry would mind."

He undid her tie and placed it aside with his, then started to slip the buttons of her blouse out of their holes. "Luna, I don't think I've told you enough how much I love you."

"It is always enough and it is never enough, to tell somebody that you love them," she said and sighed as his hands ran down her skin. Her skin felt like a nectarine's, he thought. "It is the meaning that is what matters."

His hands tucked under her skirt waist and he bent down to kiss her chest, nudging his lips underneath the lacey fabric. "You are the most precious person to me," he whispered, then started to kiss over the small piece of garment covering her as he slid down her skirt.

"You are my circle," she said and he smiled. It was her way of saying that there was no end to her feelings for him.

As he kissed down her stomach and his hands roamed over her, he thought about how much he did love her and how he was blessed to be with her. He didn't know how he could have been able to make it through this whole Harry and Draco mess without her.