A Tale of Little Plot

Harry and Ron head in a general downwards direction through the school, aiming for Snape's office, once again with the coconuts and the Monty Python style riding. They pass a section of wall they recognise from their brief periods as Crabbe and Goyle in their second year as the entrance to the Slytherin common room/dormitories. Some industrious person has stuck a sign to the wall that says in bold, bright blue letters: "You don't have to be an evil, smarmy git to know the password to get in here BUT IT HELPS!!!" Harry and Ron stop briefly to puzzle over the sign before the more pressing problem of rescuing Hermione resurfaces and they continue towards Snape's office, which after a while they reach. Harry knocks on the door.

Harry: Professor Snape!!

Snape opens the door a crack and glares at Harry and Ron with one beady eye. A mechanical voice saying 'Doo-ay!' can be heard from within, making Snape's reasons for not opening the door properly immediately obvious except perhaps to a deaf duck which has recently expired in an unfortunate accident with a lawnmower and a squirrel.

Snape: [angrily - well, did you seriously expect him to greet Harry and Ron jovially? You did? Well, if you really want you can imagine him to have greeted them jovially and to have said 'Harry! Ron! Come in, come in!'. But that would be kind of stupid] Why do you disturb me at this hour of the night??

Harry: It's not night, sir. It's ... [he looks at his watch] ... four in the afternoon, sir.

Snape: Bah.

Harry: [proceeding merrily onwards like a happy little baby duck, with eyes even more disproportionately large than those of Bambi, skipping across a minefield] Why did you think it was night, sir?

Snape: I didn't, you stupid boy. I just wanted to say 'why do you disturb me at this hour of the night'. I can if I want and there's nothing you can do to stop me! Nothing I say! Muahahahaaa! I'll get you next time Batman! And your little dog, too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!!

(I know I said that before. I don't care. I liked it too much to only use it once, and I don't care in the slightest if you don't think it's funny, because I do. You might want to bear in mind that it doesn't take very much to make me laugh, though.) Harry and Ron exchange bemused glances. Ron whispers perfectly audibly to Harry.

Ron: Who's Batman? Are you Batman? Does Snape call you Batman?

Harry: Uh... I'll explain later.

Ron: Ok. Professor Snape, who's Batman? Is Harry Batman? Do you call Harry Batman?

Harry sighs despairingly and slaps himself on the forehead.

Snape: No, Weasley, Potter is not Batman, nor do I make it my habit to address him as such.

Ron: Oh.

Snape: If you two are just going to stand here asking me nonsensical questions, CLEAR OFF!

The last two words are accompanied by Snape's jumping into the air. The author seems to have completely forgotten that what we are seeing of Snape is only one eye, but this has ceased to matter as none of this story makes sense anyway.

Snape: Well?

Harry: Er, well, actually we were actually intending to actually ask you something...

Ron: [whispering loudly once again]Harry, you said 'actually' thrice!

Harry: [momentarily distracted] Thrice?

Ron: Like twice, only with three.

Harry: So would four be fource?

Ron: No.

Harry: Oh.

Snape: Well? WHAT IS IT?? [jumping once again]

Harry: Uh... you know last lesson you turned Hermione into a Furby...?

Snape: [with a slightly worried glance behind him] ... Yes.

Harry: ... We were wondering if you could turn her back.

Snape: [in a tone of voice similar to that of a small child snatching at a teddy bear or something of that nature and going 'MINE!'] No!

Harry: Um.

Ron: Will you change her back if we give you some shampoo in exchange?

Snape: What?

Ron: Shampoo.

Snape: Are you suggesting I need to wash my hair?

Harry: [watching some grease drip from the end of a strand of Snape's hair and land on the floor with a 'plup'] Uh...

Ron: Yes.

Snape: Well gosh golly dern, I do!

Harry and Ron exchange bemused glances yet again.

Harry: Um... so if we give you the shampoo can we have Hermione back?

Snape: Of course not! I like my hair greasy!!

Harry and Ron exchange bemused glances for the fifth - sorry, third - time.

Harry: Uh... why?