A Tale Of Absolutely No Plot Whatsoever

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Harry: Who has paper?

Hermione: I think I might have some in my bag.

Harry: Pen?

Ron: [from corner] You know, this is Hogwarts. Wizarding-land. We don't use paper and pens, we use parchment and quills.

Draco: Yes, in order to sound medieval.

Hermione: Well, it's damn irritating, that's what it is. We should be allowed to use biros if we want.

Author: [from Autharium] You can't blame me for THAT!

Hermione: Yes we can! You're the AUTHOR! Everything's your fault!

Author: No it's not! It's all ROWLING'S fault! Not mine! JK ROWLING!

Harry: Who?

Author: JK Rowling. She invented you.

Harry: Are you sure?

Author: Yes.

Draco: Ha! Harry was created by muggles. [sticks tongue out]

Author: Well, you were too. Why else d'you think you've got such a stupid name?

Hermione: She has a point. Since I've come to Hogwarts I've encountered countless people with names that reflect their personality or abilities in some way, either glaringly obvious or otherwise.

Draco: My name is not stupid!

Ron: Yes it is!

Draco: Is not!

Hermione: We are NOT having this again!

Ron: Yes we are!

Hermione: [falls over backwards, plank-like, with a strange little throbbing cross thing on her forehead]

Harry: OH, no, we are NOT having Japanese cartoon-osity in this fic! Exploding cats, maybe, Malfoy on pogo sticks -

Draco: Only ONE pogo stick!

Harry: - the Lumberjack song, stupid paperweights, but NO Japanese cartoon-osity!

Hermione: [gets up] Sorry.

Author: [from Autharium] GET ON WITH IT!!

Harry: Sorry.

Hermione: [pokes Draco with his pogo stick] So are you going to write angry letters to the Dark Lord as well?

Draco: Yes.

Harry: But your father is a Death Eater. Aren't you supposed to support him?

Draco: Yes.

Ron: [emerging from corner] I'm confused now.

Draco: I told you why I was writing angry letters to the Dark Lord already!

Ron: Oh?

Draco: Yes! It's because he's Potter's arch-nemesis and I want to be Potter's arch-nemesis!

Harry: That's ALL?

Draco: Well, yes.

Harry: ...

Draco: Well, I thought it was a good reason.

Harry: It's not THAT much of a good reason.

Draco: ...

Harry: You're putting being my arch-nemesis above -

Harry is cut off mid-sentence by Hermione throwing a paperweight shaped like a trout at his head.

Hermione: Do we want more people to write angry letters to the Dark Lord or not?

Harry: Good point. ... That trout hurt, you know.

Hermione: Sorry. [Hermione gets out several biros with an unnecessarily large flourish] HA!

Ron produces some paper from apparently nowhere and hands it round. Hermione gives everyone a biro and they all begin to write. At length, Ron stops and clears his throat. The others look towards him, startled that Ron managed to finish first.

Ron: Can I read mine out?

Hermione: Go on then.

Ron: 'Dear You-Know-Who -- '

Harry: You can't write a letter to Lord Voldemort --

Ron: Eep!

Harry: [rolls his eyes] -- and call him 'You-Know-Who'!

Ron: What about 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named'?

Harry: Put Dark Lord if you can't write Voldemort.

Ron: Eep!

Harry sighs despairingly.

Ron: Ok, OK, I'll WRITE it. But can I say 'You-Know-Who' when I read it?

Harry: Yes, yes, alright.

Draco: [looks up suddenly] PIZZA!

Everyone else looks at Draco quizzically.

Draco: Sorry. I thought I could smell pizza.

Ron: Right.

Hermione: You know, I can smell pizza too.

Draco: See??

Author: [from Autharium] Sorry! Pizza is being cooked in the realm of Autharium-osity.

Draco: Oh, so YOU get pizza.

Author: Yes.

Draco: That's not fair! I want pizza!

Ron: Me too!

Author: OK, OK!

Pizza appears in the middle of the room. There is a pause while all stare in awe at the pizza, and then they rush towards it.

Ron: Yay! Pizza!

Draco: Eff, Wheefwi -

Everybody looks at Draco as though he has shouted 'EMU!' and begun to dance the can-can very, very slowly. Draco glares at them and swallows his mouthful of pizza.

Draco: Bugger.

Ron: *blink blink*

Draco: Note to self: Do not attempt to make sarcastic remarks while eating pizza.

Hermione: WHILST eating pizza.

Harry: I've just realized I haven't spoken for at least twenty lines.

Draco: It was doing us so much good, Potter; why couldn't you have kept it up?

Harry: Fneh.

Ron: 'Fneh'?

Harry: I'm expressing irritation.

Draco: Good.

Ron: Hm. Fneh.

Hermione: 'Fneh' is not a word.

Harry: It is now.

Hermione: Just you using it doesn't make it a word!

Harry: It's a word if I want it to be.

Hermione: No it's not!! Is it in the dictionary? No! Would it work if it was put through a computer spellcheck? NO!

Harry: You know Hermione won't work on a spellcheck either?

Hermione: ... [glares at Harry]

Harry: Hah.

Draco: This is getting rather silly now.

Author: [from Autharium] Only JUST? I can't be doing this properly if it's ONLY JUST started to get RATHER silly!

Everybody ignores the Author.

Harry: I suppose we should get back to writing angry letters to Lord Volde -

Ron draws his breath for an 'eep!'.

Harry: I mean, you-know-who.

Ron breathes out.

Hermione: [glances at Ron] Hee hee!

Ron: Anyway, I finished my letter and I was going to read it out at the BEGINNING of this chapter! It's the end now and I haven't got further than 'dear You-Know-Who'!!

Hermione: Ah, bless. [pats Ron on the head]

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