I Am The Lizard King

Lucius sat in the Malfoy Manor living room, stroking his pimp stick lovingly. "What shall we do today, my love?" he asked, sliding his hand over the pretty head of the jeweled snake. Naturally, the snake didn't answer, but that didn't stop Lucius from murmuring sweet nothings into its non-existent ears. "So that's what we shall do?" he asked it. Again it did not reply, but Lucius nodded to the snake and walked out of the door, still in his pink and spiffy dressing gown and slippers.

Now someone important was standing outside of right outside of the door of Malfoy Manor, as always happens in fics like this. This time it just happened to be that waskily wabbit, that roguish rebel, that devilishly delectable Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge. And, as always happens in fics like this, he was naturally perturbed...

But as this isn't the focus of our program today, Cornelius Fudge decided to go on his merry way and continue his explorations in the anatomy and stimulation points of house elves. Now, back to our story.

As the pink and spiffy dressing gown clad Lucius continued on his merry way, pimp stick in his hand, he called out a chipper hello to his neighbours. (But, seeing as though the Malfoy estate was 13 miles away from the nearest neighbour, no one heard him, thankfully.)

He let his snake guide the way with it's firm and solid... resolve in which way to go. Sooner rather than later (for plot convenience only) he found himself in front of Hogwarts Castle. After nancing about on the ground for a few minutes (or hours, whichever you prefer to envision) he frolicked his way up the steps and into the great hall....

Just in time for breakfast.

He was quiet enough not to be noticed walking in at first, but as the doors slammed behind him and he began a rather loud rendition of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips," one by one, heads began to turn. It seemed like the last set of eyes to cast their glance towards him were the cold stone grey of his own son...

Then began the pandemonium.

Draco, quite used to his father's... insanity within his own home, paid no attention to the madness that was currently overtaking his classmates. He did get angry, however, when Crabbe spilled his Lucky Charms onto his robes as he was standing to go and stare at Lucius. It was the hundreds upon hundreds of other students, all of which were decidedly *NOT* used to Lucius' random Rocky Horror-esque outbursts, that started the riot.

Dumbledore and Snape rose at the exact same moment, parting the crowds of cheering, laughing, and moshing students as they went to apprehend the wild raving lunatic before them. All was going well until Potter, Granger, and Weasley came flying from out of nowhere on a chandelier and knocked them both over, causing a sort of domino effect with other students; Crabbe into Goyle, Goyle into Colin, and on it went. Students and teachers alike falling down until only a fraction of them remained standing. Eventually, push came to shove, (if you can excuse the puns that seem to be the whole constitution of this fic) and Lucius, the once-threatening-but-now-absolutely-bloody-potty, was tackled to the ground.

With a smirk, Lucius let out a lisping announcement; "Oh, my! Well, that's a *special* feeling..."

Potter stood quickly. Draco, still munching on the now soggy Lucky Charms, rolled his eyes, stood up, and yanked his father up from the ground. Draco pulled Lucius towards the door, called back to Snape to meet them in his office. Draco was about to reprimand his father for being a fool when Lucius broke away from his grasp and threw himself on the floor, his hands searching wildly for something. "My Pimp Stick!" Lucius cried out mournfully, "I can't go on without it!"

"Father please!" Draco called over to him, "You're not being reasonable!"

Lucius turned and glared at his son. While he was glaring, he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Umm... Mr. Malfoy?"

Lucius spun around. Harry Potter stood before him, pimp stick in hand. Lucius grabbed it from him. "What were you doing to him?" he asked rudely.

"Nothing!" Harry exclaimed, just slightly... messed up. Less than a year ago, Harry had watched Lucius be completely evil, and now he was in a pink dressing gown with a pimp stick. He wasn't nearly as frightening as he had been. Or perhaps he was exponentially so. Harry would rather have, after all, been confronted with evil!Lucius than fluffyandpink!Lucius.

With his stick in hand, petting it ever so gently, he followed the crusade of rather unhappy people, including his son, Severus Snape, and Albus Dumbledore.

Severus brought them all down to his office and he threw a set of respectable robes at Lucius. "Change!" he hissed at him.

Mumbling something about urgent 'business' with Fawkes and a house elf, and not really wanting to see this, Dumbledore left with the promise of a speedy return.

Lucius rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. "Severus, you used to be so much fun!" he lisped. "Honestly..."

"NOW!!!!!" Snape roared, quickly losing patience with the pink, spiffy man.

Lucius' eyes widened and he hurried into the door the taller man was gesturing at, muttering something about getting a spanking later.

Coming out of what was, ironically, a closet, Lucius spread his arms out to his sides and spun, modelling his new outfit for Severus, Albus and Draco. He skipped over to Severus and sighed in his ear. "You know, Severus, you may have taken away the robes but I've still got the thong..."

Severus' eyes widened and Draco, who was thumbing through a pamphlet on Severus' desk ("A Modern Look At Transsexuality In Wizarding England") rolled his eyes and kicked his father in the shin. Lucius glared at him and brought the pimp stick down hard on Draco's head... (er... the one you think with... or, er, never mind!). "Ouch, you slimy bastard!" Draco exclaimed, pulling the pimp stick from Lucius' hand.

"Eat my Spunk!" he said perkily, pulling the stick back from his son.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Now, Father. Don't tell me to eat your spunk. It's not appropriate."

Lucius flipped his hair back and put his hands on his hips. "Draco Lucius Malfoy! Don't talk back! On your knees and eat my spunk!"

"There will be no incest," Severus said, "On Hogwarts grounds or otherwise, for that matter."

"But the Weasley twins do it!" Lucius protested.

Draco shot a grateful look at Severus, who was looking sternly at Lucius. "The Weasley twins. Really?" Severus asked.

Draco nodded, picking up another random for plot (or lack thereof) use only pamphlet. "Mmmhmm.... Interesting pamphlets, professor. I like this one in particular. So I'm in Love With a Werewolf. Do you have something to tell me?"

"I'd sooner fuck your father!" he said dryly.

"Severus!" Lucius gushed excitedly, "You're not related to me!"

Severus mentally smacked himself. "Yes I am, Lucius. 17^th Cousins."

"Really?" Lucius asked Severus, "I didn't know!"

"All Slytherins are related. Inbreeding, you know," Draco added, bending down to tie his shoe. He realised his error quickly and straightened out before Lucius could try anything. He gave his father a dirty look. "Don't even think about it," he mumbled.

Lucius giggled and shook his head. "No, my son, I don't want you that way!" he smiled, "I simply need someone to eat my spunk!"

Severus rubbed his temples. "Can we stop with the spunk, please?"

"This is coming from a man who walked around for a week singing '80's pop songs," Draco grumbled. "This is my life."

"And that," Severus snapped back, "Is coming from a boy who fucks Harry Potter."

Draco laughed. "You can't prove it!"

Severus grinned maliciously (making him look very appetizing to Lucius, indeed). "Ah, but I can if you eat HIS spunk even HALF as much as your father, here, is implying that you're eating his."

Draco arched an eyebrow. "I thought you said we were going to stop talking about spunk...?"

Dumbledore chose that particular moment to come frolicking into the room singing a merry tune, the lyrics merely variations of the word... you guessed it, "Spunk".

Lucius giggled madly and rocked back and forth in his childish amusement and petted his precious pimp stick on the head. "Special, spiffy, spunky headmaster... heh. Headmaster. Master of head..."

Dumbledore bowed. "Ah, that is what Dobby has chosen to call me, as well. Very nice pet name, if I do say so myself..."

Snape sighed. "Headm-... ah... Albus, if you please? Can we get to the point?"

"Ah, yes," Dumbledore said, "The point... the tip... the top... the climax, shall we say? The head of the issue-"

"That's plenty of that," Draco said, "And Potter didn't believe me when I told him you were a kook..."

Severus grinned triumphantly. "Aha!"

Draco shot him a glare of pure venom. "The point, right."

"Well," Dumbledore said, "I think we need to take away this 'pimp stick' of his-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lucius shouted, running from the room. He ran through the halls of Hogwarts randomly hitting small children with his stick.

Draco, Severus, and Dumbledore shot each other a glance. "After him!!!"

Severus, being the quickest, as he was propelled by his dramatically billowing robes, got to Lucius first and backed him into a corner. "Now Lucius... it is for the best..."

"NO!!!!" he squeed. "You CANNOT take it! They let you keep the shampoo!!!"

Severus got a rather funny look on his face. "That... that was different. Lucius, be reasonable... is it that hard?"

"No... AND YES!!!! Now it comes to it. I don't feel like parting with it! I found it! It came to me!"

"There's no need to get angry," Dumbledore said, tiptoeing up behind Snape, carefully.

"And what if I AM angry?! It's your fault!" Lucius bellowed, before a strange, dazed expression came over him. He stared lovingly at his pimp stick. "It is my own... my love... MY PRECIOUS!!!"

"Holy shit," Draco said, walking up behind his professors, "He's fucking quoting Lord of the Rings. That thing's doing more harm than good..." He started walking the other way, towards Gryffindor tower. "I've got 'business'!" he called, "Take care of him!"

Severus rolled his eyes at Draco and then turned his attention back to Lucius. "We know you've gone nutters when you start quoting Muggles, Lucius-"

"Where's Draco going?" Lucius asked, watching his son disappear around the corner, "Without him, there will be no one to eat my-"

"ENOUGH!" Severus bellowed. "I will eat your bloody spunk if you turn over that blasted pimp stick."

He realized what he said a moment too late. "Awww, Severus..." Lucius lisped, "I didn't know you cared so much..."

Severus turned slightly green as he pulled the pimp stick from Lucius' hands and handed it to Dumbledore. The old man clapped, smiled, and turned away. "I'll just leave you two to 'business', then. It seems Draco won't be the only Malfoy getting his spunk spewed tonight."

Severus looked as though something else other than spunk would be spewing pretty soon. Lucius dropped of the drab robes Severus had given him earlier and pulled off his small, pink, spiffy thong leaving himself at the mercy of Severus' skilful strokes.

After having his spunk spewed and, well, for the record swallowed, Lucius realised exactly what he was missing: His better half, his bloody pimp stick. What was a man to do without his pimp stick? Lucius did not know. The only answer he had was to simply go and get it back.

Severus looked, if possible, more ill than he had at the start of the ordeal, and was lying in a heap on the floor. Lucius grinned and placed a kiss on the man's forehead, helping the green colour tingeing the man's face in no way, shape, or form. "You were positively spifftacular, Severus, sweet... but now, I'm afraid I must skip into the sunlight." Severus, too ill to reply, made no motion to indicate that he was either alive or dead, and, indeed, did not move again until he was stumbled upon by a Ms. Hermione Granger...

But that's a tale for another day.

Lucius frolicked his was up to the headmaster's... erm... Master of the Head's office. Little did he know that his son and Harry Potter were also on their way (As is customary in most fics of the Harry/Draco sort) to get Dumbledore's approval to continue fucking like bunnies in their own private suite hidden somewhere that no one else, save Hermione, would ever be able to find.

Naturally, all three of them reached the headmaster's office at the same time. Lucius ran in, awaiting an open armed (er, open mouthed?) welcome from his Pimp Stick. What he found, though, was Professor Dumbledore getting the welcome for him, so to speak.

The chain reaction was started by Lucius. He gasped in anguish. "You bitch!" he cried, to his beloved pimp stick. "You're cheating on me!"

Harry gasped in anguish at the sight of Dumbledore, sweaty and marked by passion. "You bitch!" he cried, to the Master of Head. "You're cheating on me!"

Draco gaped in anguish (besides feeling terribly left out) "You bitch!" he cried, to his beloved Harry. "You're cheating on me!"

Harry turned to Draco. "I didn't know we were official yet!" he exclaimed.

"Of course, Harry," Draco exclaimed, "Don't you love me too?"

"Of course Draco!" Harry said tearfully, "Anything else would be unthinkable!"

"Um, boys?" Dumbledore tapped Harry on the shoulder, "I think you're in the wrong fic..."

While Dumbledore was distracted by Harry's outburst, Lucius grabbed the pimp stick out of Dumbledore's sweat slicked hand. Lucius grabbed Harry's hand and began to shake it but then pulled him close. "I thank you," he said, running the pimp stick over Harry's head and stroking his face tenderly with it, "for creating a diversion. And for saving my precious from the evil floor earlier..."

It was then Harry realised he was pressed to a naked man... In fact, his lover's naked father. (If you really want to get technical...)

He jumped back and squeed. "No problem," he squeaked out, "Anytime."

Lucius smiled and patted the boy on the head. "Good boy," he said, "Draco will train you well," he said, making a whip like motion with sound effects.

Harry blinked a few times before turning and trying to hide himself in his lover's chest. "You scared my lover, father," Draco said, pointing to the door. "Get lost."

And Lucius did. He frolicked through the halls of Hogwarts, pimp stick in hand, crying loudly as he went, "I am the lizard king!!!" Why, you ask?

Thimply to therve ath the title, thilly...

(Simply to serve as the title, Silly)