Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 15: Voldemort]

HP: You!

QS: Yes. Me. P-poor st-stuttering P-Professor Squirrel.

HP: So you've been working with Voldemort all along!

QS: Yes! He offered me a life-time supply of pizza!

HP: You-you monster!

QS: Shut up! I must find the kidney stone! It's in this mirror, I know it.

V: Ask the boy!

QS: Potter! Where's the stone? Look into the mirror. What do you see?

HP: I-I see Jessica Alba... we're making sweet love.

V: He lies!

QS: TELL THE TRUTH, POTTER!

HP: Alright... Jessica Simpson is there too.

V: Let me speak to him.

QS: Master... you're not strong enough!

V: Yes I am!

QS: Ok... [removes turban]

HP: Oh my cluck!

V: [on the back of Squirrel's head] Harry Potter!

HP: Yes?

V: Do you see what I have become? A mere shadow and vapour... I have form only when I can share another's body... but there have always been those willing to let me into their hearts and minds... Unicorn blood has strengthened me, these past weeks... you saw me drinking it I the forest... and once I have the Elixir of Life, and I will be able to--

HP: I'm sorry, but I can't understand a word you're saying. I can only comprehend words up to 5-letters long, thanks to you and your stupid curse!

V: You fool, Potter! Is it not better to save your own life than the lives of others? You'll end up the same way as your parents... begging me for mercy...

HP: LIAR!

V: How touching. Bravery. Pshh. Give me the Kidney Stone that lies in your pocket!

HP: So you can read minds?

V: No, put you've got some kidney juice all over your pants!

HP: Oh, bollocks. Uh... AHH! [runs away]

SFX: "Touch Me" The Doors

V: Seize him!

QS: Come here, Potter!

SFX: Sizzling

QS: AHH! I'm bloody burning! Help!

V: You loser! I'm leaving you!

Voldemort leaves Squirrel's body and, as a cloud of vapour with a face, attacks Harry, trying desperately for the Kidney Stone. He fails. Harry passes out.

[Scene 16: The End]

AD: Good morning, Harry.

HP: W-Where am I?

AD: You're in the hospital. You passed out a couple weeks ago.

HP: Wow. Look at all this candy.

AD: From your many admirers. Like these Bertie Butt Beans. [eats bean] Aw, sick! Faeces flavoured!

HP: Professor? I was wondering... why couldn't Squirrel touch me without burning?

AD: Ah, Harry. When your mother died, she died protecting you. That left a very special kind of magic. Love.

HP: Love? That's pretty gay.

AD: Yeah, well, when an evil bad guy touches you, you emit acid from your body that burns them.

HP: Sweet.

AD: Well, we must be going to the end-of-the-year feast. [leaves]

HP: But I'm in my underwear. Dumbledore! Hey! Come back!

Int. Great Room

AD: Another year is gone now. What a year it has been! I must thank Mr. Potter for that. Now, as I understand, the House Cup needs rewarding. After doing about 5 hours worth of math, I had Professor Snape conclude that Slithering beat everyone else, including Harry Potter's house, by 160 points. Congrats, a**holes.

Slithering house bursts into cheers.

AD: Yes, very well done. However, this movie is called Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone, and you guys are the bad guys, so there is no happy ending for you.

School makes noises of confusion.

AD: First, I'd like to give Gryffindork 100 points because they're special!

Gryffindork cheers.

AD: Next, I'd like to give Harry Potter 60 points because I like his glasses.

HG: We're tied with Slithering!

AD: And finally, I'd like to give Neville Bigbottom 4,000 points!

Guy: Why?

AD: Because... he's fat.

Neville: Yay! My fatness has come in handy!

RW: Well, there's only one thing we can do at a time like this.

HP: I think I know what it is!

All: LET'S DANCE!

[Scene 17: Home Sweet Homo]

H: I forgot to give you this. It's a picture of your mum and dad.

HP: Wow, thanks Hagrid.

H: I hope you have a good holiday. And, uh, if the Dursley's ever give you trouble, just threaten to kill Dudley.

HP: Okay. Bye, bye, Hagrid.

HG: Well I suppose we'll be going home then.

HP: Oh, I'm not going to my home.

HG: You're not?

HP: Nope. I'm leaving it.

RW: God, Harry! You're such a homo!

Ron nut-taps Harry and Harry falls out of the train. Camera pulls back as Harry chases after it.

The End

©2006 Red-Head Movies and Merry Men Pictures