Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 14: Through the Crapdoor]

HP: OW!

RW: What?

HP: My scar hurts!

RW: Let's dance!

HG: No, Ron. Is it serious?

HP: Sure feels that way.

HG: You should go to the Doctor.

HP: No, I tried that once. It didn't quite work out.

HP: Excuse me, Madam Doctor?

Lady: Yes?

HP: My scar hurts.

Lady: Oh you poor thing. [shoots Harry with gun]

HP: Geez! What's your problem?

Lady: Don't worry! It will make all the pain go away!

RW: Harry that was the time you were playing Grand Theft Auto.

HP: Oh, yeah. Hang on a second... where the cluck-monkey did Hagrid get a Draygon?

RW: Dragon Mart?

HG: Dragons-R-Us?

RW: Dragon Mart?

HG: TGI Dragons?

RW: Dragon Mart?

H: Hey kids! Wazzup?

HP: Hagrid, who gave you your draygon?

H: I donno. He didn't take his hockey-mask off. It's not unusual. Lot's of serial killers go to the Hog's Head.

HP: Did you mention Hogwarts at all?

H: Well, he asked for random thing about my life that had to do with my giant dog and how to get passed it, so, of course, I told him that all you have to do is play any song from the Who. It was a bit coincidental, I'll admit that. Hang on...

HP: He's gonna steal it! We have to tell Dumbledore!

H: You can't! He's out of town!

HP: Where?

H: He went to Dragon Mart to get me a birthday present! He'll be back in a week!

HP: Bollocks! It's now or never, gang. Wait-- where's Scooby?

RW: Scooby-Doo! Where are you?

Scooby: Rover here!

RW: [smacks Scooby] You stupid dog! You stop running away from me! Bad!

Int. 3^rd Floor

HP: Ok. I have my guitar.

HG: Harry, did I ever mention how sexy you look with--

HP: Yes! You have for the last hour! Shut up!

RW: Get ready to play Harry.

HP: Wait-- what song should I play?

HG: Does it matter? Just play!

HP: Well, I wouldn't want to soil the great music of--

RW: Magic Bus! Play Magic Bus!

HP: I kinda wanted to play Teenage Wasteland.

RW: Well, then what about Sister Disco?

HP: Not enough guitars in that.

RW: Eminence Front?

HP: C'mon. Townshend did the vocals! How good could it be?

RW: Pinball Wizard.

HP: I have and electric guitar, dumb-butt.

RW: My Generation.

HP: No, I hate the way Daltrey sings it.

RW: I Can See for Miles.

HP: No...

RW: Who Are You?

HP: Well--

HG: JUST PLAY A CLUCKING SONG!

HP: Hermione! Don't disrupt the Who-iness of this conversation.

RW: Bargain!

HP: Brilliant!

HG: No, I think the Seeker is much more appropriate.

HP: FINE!

SFX- "The Seeker" The Who

Harry plays the entire song, but then notices that Fluffy is asleep.

HP: Yeah! Play the Seeker! Woo! That was for nothing! I bet he played Teenage Wasteland!

HG: Let's just go through the trapdoor.

Soon...

RW: It's a chessboard!

HP: Bollocks! You're telling me that we battled evil weeds, fought a huge troll, caught a flying key and now we have to play chess? This game blows.

RW: Wait! I have an idea on how to win quicker!

HP: How?

RW: Watch. [jumps and does a series of mid-air tricks and falls. Many chess-pieces retreat] Alright! Now one more thing! [jumps again, lands on face]

HG: RON!

HP: No! Don't move! We're still playing!

HG: But I didn't--

HP: Ok... Checkmate! Yay! We win!

HG: That was too easy.

HP: Exactly! Ron went back in time and changed the plotline to make it incredibly easy for us!

HG: Oh.

HP: Come on. We have to go.

HG: No Harry. You go.

HP: But--

HG: I'll stay here with Ron. You need to fight Voldemort.

HP: But I'm a horrible wizard! You should go!

HG: Oh... me? With all my books and spells. You're the real wizard here. Friendship. Honesty. Retardation. That's what matters to--

HP: Is this going to be a long moral speech or can I go?

HG: Just go.