Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 9: The Big Scary Monster]

Morgan Freeman (the narrator): Soon, time slipped away and the children grew even more. Three months passed and soon it was all Hallows Eve. I am a black man. Live with it.

HP: (dressed as Darth Vader) Ron... I am your father!

RW: Nuh-uh! My pop is taller and his lightsaber isn't that big, if you know what I mean... (raises eyebrows)

HG: Omigod you guys are so immature!

RW: Look who's talking, Hermione!

HG: What are you talking about?

RW: Oh come on, toots. I've got bigger boobies than you.

HG: UH! Dick! (throws things at Ron) Bully! Poopy-face! (leaves, crying)

RW: What did I say?

Int. The Great Room

AD: Blah, blah, blah, (etc.)

RW: I wanna go trick or treating! When will he shut up?

Fred Weasley: He usually talks for a couple hours.

Professor Quivery Squirrel: (runs into Great Room)

HP: Hey look it's Professor Squirrel! Wonder what he wants.

QS: (somewhat sarcastically) There's a scary monster in the dungeon!!! Ahh! Oh my god! I'm fainting! (falls)

(silence)

AD: EVERYONE CALM DOWN!!!

HP: Ok.

AD: Follow your house leader to your house and whatever you do, do not- absolutely DO NOT- go looking for that scary monster! Go!

HP: Hey Ron! Let's go look for that scary monster!

RW: Okay, but I have to pee first.

Int. the Bathroom

RW: (peeing) Oh yeah! I feel so much better!

HG: Ron! This is the girl's bathroom!

RW: So why are you in it?

HP: Hermione have you been crying?

HG: No... wait... does that turn you on?

HP: A little.

HG: Say, Harry... you wanna go grab some tea or some--

(scary monster crashes into room-- It's five feet tall and looks like a person)

Scary Monster: Roar! I'm a scary monster! Ahh!

HP: KILL IT!!! OH MY GOD!!!

RW: Oh... what's that one spell we did? Float-us-things-us! (a bar of soap hits monster in head, makes it angrier)

HP: Ron, magic can't save us here!

RW: Well it worked in the original story!

HP: But this story is more realistic!

RW: Oh yeah right! Like a retard could get into the 5^th grade!

HP: I didn't say it was completely realistic!

SM: I'm still a scary monster! Ahh!

HP: Omigod shut UP! (stabs monster) I'll have you know many retards have graduated from elementary school!

HG: Harry! You did it!

HP: Did what?

HG: (kisses Harry)

RW: Hey! I thought I was supposed to be Hermione's boyfriend!

HP: Like I said, Ron. This story is more realistic.

SS: What's going on here? (has cuts on leg)

HP: Hey, did you get bit by a dog or something?

SS: No I didn't... shut up! Go to bed!

RW: BUT I DIDN'T GET TO GO TRICK OR TREATING!!!

[Scene 10: Quidditch]

HP: WOO! I AM SO STOKED FOR THIS QUIDDITCH GAME!!! YES!!! WHERE'S MY CUP? I DON'T NEED IT! YEAH!

RW: Maybe that third Monster was a little too much.

HG: You gave him an energy drink? I gave him coffee!

RW: Crap. He'll be up all night!

HG: And probably tomorrow night, too.

Ext. Quidditch Field

Lee Jordan: Welcome to today's Quidditch game! Yay! May the match begin!

RW: Wow! How fast do you reckon Harry's going on his new Numb-butt 2000?

H: Dang, he must be goin' at least 2 miles per hour.

RW: Wow.

LJ: AND GRYFFINDORK SCORES AGAIN! Hang on, folks. Seems Harry Potter is having broom trouble! It's almost as if someone who hates him is cursing it!

HG: I think Snape is cursing Harry's broom!

RW: We have to distract him!

HG: But how?

(popping noise)

RW: What was that?

Neville Longbottom: The buttons on Hermione's shirt!

HG: Oh, why does puberty have to happen right now?

RW: Because Harry needs you! Flash 'em, girl! Show 'em what the lord just gave you!

HG: Okay... (lifts up shirt) LOOK AT MY BOOBIES!!!

(crowds heads turn)

LJ: Well, it seems Harry Potter's broom is just fine now and Hermione has moved up to a C. Whoop, sorry Professor. Oh my god! Harry Potter just caught the golden ball with his mouth! Wait... he seems to be having more trouble...

Later...

RW: Harry, just so you know... your supposed to catch it with your hands.

HP: Nobody ever told me that before! Could you hand be another Tums?

RW: Harry, Tums aren't gonna help you pass that thing.

Ext. Hagrid's House

H: Why would Snape want to curse Harry's broom?

HG: Probably the same reason why we wants to get passed that dog.

H: You mean Fluffy?

HG: What's it guarding?

H: That's between me, Dumbledore and Nick Flamel!

HG: Who?

H: Your mom! Oooh, burn!