Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 5: Platform 3½]

HP: Excuse me, I'm going on a train to go to a far off-land that I'm not supposed to tell anyone about because we learn magic there and we could be sued by certain religious groups. Anyway, to get there I need to drive a flying car or ride this train, and I can't seem to find the platform. Can you help me?

(camera pans out to reveal HP talking to a dog)

HP: See, it's Platform 3½ right there. (points to ticket)

Molly Weasley: Did you say Platform 3 and a half? Right this way!

MW: Okay, you just have to run right into that wall.

HP: Hey, I do that all the time!

CD: Harry! Run into that wall!

HP: Okay! (runs into a wall) Ow! That almost kinda hurt.

HP: (runs into wall) Hey! Is this some kind of trick?

MW: Woops? Did I say run? I meant dance!

HP: Dance? I never dance! I can't dance!

MW: I'll have my son Ron show you how.

RW: Yay! Let's dance! (does Ron dance through wall; disappears)

HP: My god! I wanna try! (discos through wall)

Ext. Platform 3½

HP: My god!

RW: Hey, my name's Ron by the way. I like dancing and I have red hair!

HP: (in sarcastic tone) Really?

RW: Yeah! Say, what's your name?

HP: Parry Hotter or something like that.

RW: Harry Potter?

HP: Yeah, that's it!

RW: Omigod! Are you for serious?

HP: Um... yes.

RW: Cool. Come on, let's get on the train.

Int. Hogwarts X-Press

HP: Wow! I've never been in a train before! Heck, I've never even been in a car!

RW: Well... I've never been on a plane!

HP: I have. It was weird.

HP: ... so the seats can float?

Lady: Yes.

HP: The seats can float but the plane can't. Why can't you guys just put the stuff in the seats on the plane?

Lady: Kid, what grade are you in?

HP: I'm in 5^th grade!

Lady: Here, why don't you look at this beverage cart.

HP: What the? Little vodka bottles? Tables that fold out from the seat in front of you? This is creepy...

Intercom: And tonight's in-flight movie is Sleepless in Seattle!

HP: NO! (cries)

HP: (unwrapping candy)

RW: Be careful! That's a Chocofrog!

HP: (Chocofrog jumps out window)^*Oops!

RW: Oh well. It's the little cards inside that you want.

HP: Hey! I got Dumbledore!

RW: So? I got like 40 Dumbledores. Loser.

HP: Wee-oo!

RW: Are you crying? I'm sorry!

HP: I want a cookie!

RW: Okay... Make-us-cookie-us!

(nothing happens)

HP: (cries louder)

HG: (enters) Oh my god. Do you call that a spell? You have to do the Ollie to kickflip manual to wallplant--

RW: If you're so smart then you do it!

HG: Okay... Make-is-el-cookie-is!

HP: (receives cookie) Yay!

HG: I'm Hermione Granger, by the way. I'm a really hot, big-boobed dork.

HP: You don't look that big-boobed.

HG: Wait a few more scenes, sweetie. Holy shiznit! You're Harry Potter!

HP: My god! I am!

HG: And who are you?

RW: I'm Ron Weasley! Let's dance! (dances)

HG: You call that dancing?

RW: Shut up!

HP: Wow! You guys are mean to each other! I wonder what it means!

[end scene 5]