Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 1: Meet Harry Potter]

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away called England...

Albus Dumbledore: [singing] I'm an old man! Da da da da da da da da! I'm an old man! Yeah yeah yeah!

Person(v.o.): SHUT UP! IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING!

Minerva McGonagall: Really, Albus. You need to hush.

AD: But it's true. I'm so old! Wee-oo!

MM: I suppose you've heard the news. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was defeated!

AD: Yes, Minnie. I have heard. Poor Harry Potter.

MM: What do you mean poor? He's going to be a celebrity!

AD: Yes, Minerva. I'm sure if he dances in his tightie-whities he might become the next Tom Cruise. But he can't live like that. We need to keep him away from it.

MM: And you want him to live here? With... Muggles?

Person(v.o.): SHUT UP! I'M A MAILMAN! I NEED SLEEP!

AD: Yes, I'm afraid so.

MM: Poor kid. They seem mean. How's he getting here anyway?

AD: Hagrid is bringing him.

MM: Dumbledore... would you be ADle to trust Hagrid with a child?

AD: I would trust Hagrid with my X-Box, Minerva. As long as he didn't sit on it.

Hagrid: [runs on camera] Sorry I'm late. Had to run all the way here. Why did the Potter's have to get killed in New York? We also stopped at a truck stop where he got stole'd a couple'a times and I think I sat on him... but he's here now.

Person(v.o.): FOR GOD SAKES! I HAVE HEART PROBLEMS!

AD: Ahh... the poor thing. He has a scar on his forehead.

MM: It might cause extensive brain damage.

AD: I think he's going to have brain damage anyway after Hagrid sat on him. Well... good luck then... Harry Potter.

Person(v.o.): THAT IS IT! I HAVE A SHOTGUN AIMED RIGHT FOR YOUR HEAD!

[AC/DC: Highway to Hell]

Red- Head Movies Presents

A Merry-Men Pictures Production

Harry Potter

and the Kidney Stone

Matt Coggins

Matt Coggins

and Matt Coggins as Albus Dumbledore

[end scene 1]

[Scene 2: The Zoo]

Cousin Dimwit: WAKE UP, POTTER! WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO!

Harry Potter: The zoo? I love the zoo! Zoo zoo zoo zoo!

CD: Shut up! You're not supposed to have fun! It's my birthday!

HP: Oh, I'm sorry. Say, Fugly?

CD: What?

HP: What is a zoo?

Int. Dimwit Kitchen

Uncle Vicious: WHERE'S MY BACON? POTTER! MAKE ME BACON! THEN GET THE MAIL! THEN VACUUM THE CARPET! THEN YOU CAN COMB MY BACK HAIR AND CLEAN MY TOE FUNGUS! THEN YOU CAN EAT THE BUGS IN THE BATHROOM! THEN, FOR A BREAK, YOU CAN EAT SOME GOAT BLADDER!

HP: Yay!

CD: MOM! I only have 385 presents!

HP: So?

CD: Last year I had 387!

HP: You counted all those? Maybe I should try. One... two... I give up.

Aunt Putrid: You forgot the car in the driveway and... we're going to get you something from Toy 'R Us while we're out today!

UV: Putrid, dear, do you think money grows on trees? Of course it doesn't.

HP: But what's that green stuff on the trees outside?

UV: We really need to send that kid to school.

AP: Ah, we'll get to it next year. It's time to go to the zoo!

HP: But I didn't get my goat bladder yet!

Ext. The Zoo

UV: Now I want no funny business, okay?

HP: (dressed as clown) Okay.

Int. the Zoo

HP: (talking to snake) Wazzup dawg?

Snake: Nothing much homie g.

HP: Hey did you just talk to me?

Snake: Did you talk to me? Hey let me out of here.

HP: But I can't.

Snake: Use your magical powers.

HP: Hmm... okay.

Snake: (escapes) Ha ha ha! So long, losers!

UV: What the f***? Potter!

HP: Not again! This is just like the time we went to the movies!

UV: What the f***? Potter! This isn't War of the Worlds! It's Sleepless in Seattle!

HP: So?

UV: Oh, you'll find out.

C: 2 hours later...

UV: Now, Harry! Let's see it again, shall we?

HP: NO!

Int. Dimwit House

UV: How did you do it?

HP: I didn't, I swear!

UV: How did it happen, then?

HP: I don't know... it was just like magic!

UV: There's no such thing as magic!

HP: Then what do you call Siegfried and Roy?

UV: Gay. Queer. Homosexual.

HP: Oh... shoes! They always know the answer.

[end scene 2]