Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 3: The Letter]

HP: Yay! I got a letter! Uncle Vicious, look! I got a letter! Ha ha! You didn't!

UV: What? Who would give you a letter? (grabs letter) Oh my god... (rips letter) It was just junk mail.

HP: So how come it was written all pretty-like?

UV: Uh... NO LETTER FOR YOU!

HP: Wee-oo!

HP: Yay! I got three letters!

UV: I DON'T THINK SO!

HP: Yay! I got 18 letters!

UV: YOU WISH, BUCKO!

HP: Yay! Letters are coming out of the chimney!

UV: That's it! (fires gun) We're leaving!

HP: Where?

UV: To somewhere that nobody can find us!

HP: Where?

UV: We're going... to Detroit.

HP: NO!

Int. Barn

HP: Yay! It's my birthday! I'm eleven years old! Hey! There's hair on my legs! Hey! There's hair on my face! Hey! There's hair on my--

SFX: loud bang

CD: OH MY GOD! IT'S THE IRAQIS!

Hagrid: (knocks down door) Man, that was a nice fart there.

CD: Holy crap! What did you eat?

H: Probably less than you, tubby.

CD: But I'm not fat.

H: Well... shut up! Where's Harry?

HP: I'm Harry!

H: Hi! I'm Hagrid! I've come here to give you this cake and to tell you that you're a wizard and you can come to the school where I work and learn stuff!

HP: I don't know...

H: And they serve cookies with lunch!

HP: Tell me more, please.

UV: I'm not letting him go! I hate magic!

HP: Hey! My cake is smushed!

AP: If it weren't for my perfect little sister being a freak witch and going to that school and meeting Jimmy Potter and having unprotected sex and having a baby and getting killed by an evil wizard, we never would have had this stupid kid!

HP: Killed by an evil wizard? You told me my parents died of AIDS! And what in the world is the flavour of this cake?

H: It's devil's food and AIDS kill Lilac and Jimmy Potter? How dare you!

UV: He's not going!

H: (fires gun) IS HE GOING NOW? IS HE? I WILL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF AND CHEW IT SOFTLY BEFORE FEEDING IT TO YOUR WIFE AND THEN MAKE SWEET LOVE TO HER AND THEN DIE OF CRABS!

UV: Okay... he can go.

HP: This cake is delicious... go where?

H: Yer goin ta Hogwarts. The best school for magic and potential death.

HP: SWEET! What does potential mean?

[end scene 3]

[Scene 4: Diagonal Alley]

HP: So can I find all this stuff on my list here in London?

H: No. There's only two places you can find all these things. One of them is New York City, and the other is Diagonal Alley.

HP: Cool. Where's that one place?

H: Well Diagonal Alley is over there, through that pub, out the back door, and through a mysterious wall.

HP: Actually, I meant New York City.

[Int. Robes 'R Us]

HP: (enters)

Lady: Hello! What's your sizes?

HP: Um... Small, 30-30, 9½, 11 inches.

Lady: Okay... I got the sizes of your shirt, pants, shoes and... well, right this way!

Draco Malfoy: ...and so then I told him, "Go get your own!"

HP: Hi, I'm Harry. I'm retarded.

DM: Well then you must be going into Gryffindork house. They're all retarded! (laughs) You should be in Slithering house. We're all smart.

(flashback)

Crabs: CHRONIC MASTURBATION!

Gargoyle: DO IT EVERY NIGHT!

DM: SHUT UP!

HP: What's masturbation?

DM: Wait a second... you're Harry Potter. (spit letter P)

HP: Wow! You're good! Bye!

Lady: I'm not done!

HP: Hey Hagrid, what's a Gryffindork?

H: Your mom!

HP: Wee-oo! (cries)

H: Go get a wand!

HP: But I have a wand... if you know what I mean... (raises eyebrows)

H: Shut up and go getta wand.

Int. Wandmart

HP: (enters) Hey is this Wandmart?

Guy: Why, yes it is! We have a special white light sale on all willow wands!

HP: Awesome! Let me try one!

Guy: (gets wand) Try this one!

HP: (holds wand)

(white light goes up behind HP)

Intercom: I'd like to remind all Wandmart shoppers that there is a special white light sale in isle 23 so hurry on over there. That's all. (plays AC/DC)

HP: I want this one! It makes my pee-pee tingle!

Guy: That's called an erection! Wizards get one every time they cast a spell!

HP: Awesome!

Guy: Hey, this is weird!

HP: What?

Guy: It says here that the Spell-Caster 4000 brand wand has only been made twice and sold to only one person.

HP: Who?

GUY: His name is... The-Guy-With-a-Weird-Name-Which-Cannot-Be-Spoken.

HP: Wow, I'm informed. So is my wand special or something?

Guy: Well, everyone's wand is special. Yours, however, is specialist. It's brother... gave you that scar!

HP: MY GOD!

H: Harry! Look! A bird!

HP: Sweet! (leaves)

Guy: Hey, you didn't pay!

[Int. Taco Bell]

H: This burrito is delicious.

HP: Haggard? Who killed my mom and dad?

H: Uh... well... his name is... Voldemort.

HP: Moldieshorts?

H: VOLDEMORT. Hey, I know a guy named Moldieshorts.

HP: What the cluck, Hackbut? You know a guy named Voldemort? What?

H: Voldemort was an evil bad guy and he evilly killed people evilly. One evil night, he evilly killed your not-evil parents. Then he evilly tried to evilly kill you but evilly failed and evilly lost all his evil powers.

HP: He sounds kind of evil. So what happened to him, Hagiocracy?

H: He went to the only place that could work with his evil ways.

HP: Hell?

H: No... Burger King. He's the Burger King.

HP: Oh my god. Well, thanks for the night time story, Haboob. (sleeps in chair)

[end scene 4]