Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 8: Hide and Go Seeker]

Madam Hawk: Hello and welcome to your first flying lesson! I will to teach you how to fly! First, place your hand above your broomstick and say "Up!"

HP: (raises hand) Can't we just pick it up?

Madam Hawk: Yeah, but this is so much cooler!

HP: Up! (broom snaps into hand) Hey, you're right!

RW: (dancing)

Madam Hawk: Excuse me, Mr. Weasley! Aren't you going to get your broom?

RW: I'm sorry, Madam Hawk. The word "stick" makes me want to dance!

Madam Hawk: Hey, me too! (dances)

NB: Hey! Look at me! I can fly! Oh my god! I'm so high! My hands are getting sweaty! I'm falling! Ahh! (falls to ground)

Madam Hawk: Oh dear! You broke your wrist! Come on. (leaves)

DM: Ha, ha! That was funny! Fatty made a funny! Hey look! Something valuable!

HP: Hey! Drano! Give that to me! I like valuable things!

DM: For the last time... it's Draco! And I think I might throw this really far away so it can break!

HP: How dare you!

DM: Did I mention I used to be quarterback in the NFL?

HP: No!

DM: (throws ball two feet) Well, I played for the Lions.

HP: I hope I can get it! (takes 3 minutes to get ball) YES! I DID IT! WOO!

MM: Harry Potter! Please come with me!

RW: Ooo! Busted!

HP: Shut up, Ron! At least I can magically pick up my broom!

RW: Oh yeah? Look! Up! (broom whacks in crotch)

Int. McGonagall's Office

MM: Harry, I want to make you the Gryffindork seeker!

HP: Really? What's that?

MM: How about the Quidditch team captain Ollie Wood tell you?

HP: I don't care who tells me I just wanna know what it is!

Ext. Quidditch Field

OW: Quidditch is easy enough to understand. You gotta get the big ball into those little holes suspended above legs over there while riding a stick!

HP: Hang on... when did we go from a sport to Sex Ed?

OW: Now, the people throwing the balls around are the Chasers. The people whacking the balls with bats are Beaters. And you are a Seeker. You have to find this little tiny ball and catch it. Understand?

HP: ... hey did you know you're initials spell "ow"?

Ext. Hogwarts

RW: Wow, Harry! You must be the youngest Seeker in a century!

HP: Wow! That's like 10 years!

RW: Yeah! Let's dance! (dances)

HP: Let's dance into the school!

Int. Hogwarts

RW: Hey, let's dance into that corridor we're not allowed in!

HP: Okay! (dances off screen)

HG: Hey... wait a second...

Int. 3^rd Floor

RW: (stops dancing)

HP: Gee Ron, why'd you stop dancing?

RW: Something tells me we're not supposed to be here.

HP: Would it be that sign that says "Students aren't supposed to be here?"

RW: That would be it.

HG: Guys, this is the Third Floor!

HP: (with sign behind him that says "Third Floor") No way!

RW: Harry, I'm scared! I here the janitor coming!

HP: Let's go hide in this room!

(all pile into room, camera stays outside)

RW: Say Hermione... you got your hand pretty close to my uh... (coughs)

HG: I'm over here, Ronald.

RW: Then who's got their hand down my--

HP: Sorry Ron, but Hermione's the one touching my bum.

HG: Harry you're the one touching my bum. Why's your hand so wet?

HP: Why's yours?

RW: Hey guys, this place has got really fuzzy walls!

(loud barking and screaming, children emerge from room and run away)

Int. Dorm

RW: What was that thing?

HP: Looked like one'a dem aliens!

RW: Really? Looked like a giant dog to me.

HP: Yeah! I giant dog from outer space!

HG: You idiots! It's a guard dog!

RW: What makes you say that?

HG: It was guarding a huge door!

RW: Oh.

HP: Well I'm tired. Goodnight. (sleeps)

RW: Harry, it's like two in the afternoon.

HP: (continues sleeping)