Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 6: Hogwarts]

HP: Wow! This place is pretty!

DM: Why hello, Harry!

HP: Hi, Drano Max!

DM: It's Draco. Anyway, I saw you hanging out with this kid and saw how poor he was because of his red hair and all--

HP: Ha, ha! Red hair.

DM: Anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to join the right side. (holds out hand)

HP: I think I can tell which side is the right one.

DM: Really?

HP: Yeah I used to do it all the time when I was in the army!

HP: Hey, they kinda look like my troop! Hey guys! Over here! Grant!

Guy: My name is Mohammed.

HP: Oh, ok.

MM: Hello, little losers! Today you will put on a hat and be put into a house.

HP: That sounds AWESOME!

MM: Right this way.

Int. Great Room

MM: Ronald Weasley?

RW: (puts on hat)

Hat: Hmm... you have red hair... I'm gonna say GRYFFINDORK!

RW: I am not a dork!

MM: Harry Potter?

Hat: Harry Potter, eh? Hmm... you do have talent... and you're thirsty... hmm...

HP: I don't want to go to Slithering.

Hat: Why not? It would be perfect! You could have a little gay relationship with that Drano Max kid... no... you want to be a Gryffindork. Ok. GRYFFINDORK!

HP: Yay!

AD: Hello, children. I am Albus Dumbledore. I rule you all. Please remember that you cannot go on the 3^rd floor corridor because we're remodelling. You also can't go into that forest, even though you probably will anyway. Oh well. Engorge yourselves until you're the size of an American!

HP: Hey, Ron! Who's that guy looking at me with the big nose?

RW: That's Professor Snape. He's a Potions teacher. He teaches us about Potions.

HP: Huh.

AD: Alright, everyone! Off to bed!

HP: But we just started eating!

[Scene 7: Fun with Potions!]

Int. Great Room

HP: Man, what a great 5 hours of sleep!

RW: Yeah, I know. Don't you just love co-ed dorms?

HP: Yeah! I lost my virginity 16 times!

MM: Here are your schedules!

HP: Hey look! We have potions first hour!

RW: Yay.

HP: You don't seem too happy! C'mon! It'll be fun! I bet Professor Snape is a nice guy!

Int. The Dungeon

SS: (cheerily) Welcome to my class! Today, to start you all off, I want you to look up the word "potion" in the dictionary! The first one to find it gets a free piece of candy!

HP: (raises hand) What is a dictionary?

SS: Well, son, a dictionary is a reference book that contains words listed in alphabetical order and gives explanations of their meanings, often with additional information about grammar, pronunciation, and etymology.

HP: Oh. (raises hand) What is a word?

SS: A word is a meaningful sound or combination of sounds that is a unit of language or its representation in a text.

HP: Oh. (raises hand) What is candy?

SS: Kid, shut the f*** up and get to work.

HP: Wait!!! I must know something else!!!

SS: Like what? "What is a bezoar?" Well, a bezoar is a hard mass of material such as fruit or hair found in the intestines of a ruminant animal and is an antidote to poison.

HP: No, actually I was wondering if you have a mop because I just spilled potion all over the floor.

SS: Listen, Potter! I don't need to tolerate all your nonsense! I went to college! You, however, have the education of a 5^th grader and the IQ of a retard! If you ever want to pass this class, you will respect me!

HP:... seriously, we need that mop. I think it was acid I spilled and it's all over your crotch.

SS: (eyes widen) This isn't over, Potter!

HP: Duh! The school year just started!