Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 13: The Draygon]

RW: So Snape is gonna steal it?

HP: Most likely.

HG: Will you guys shut up? I'm studying for the end of the year exams!

HP: Hermione... it's March!

HG: Yeah but we need to pass these exams to get into next year!

RW: That's not true! Fred and George have that one retarded friend!

Retard: Me has to do the tricks!

FW: Billy-- calm down!

Retard: Do the tricks! Wee!

GW: Billy, please! We need to sleep!

Retard: Okay guys look! Look guys! Guys look! I has to do the tricks! Look! Guys! Guys look! Ah! Guys!

FW: OKAY BILLY! WE'RE LOOKING!

Retard: Okay... I'm gonna do the tricks!

GW: Okay, Billy. Do the tricks.

Retard: [jumps, falls, cries]

FW: Billy! Billy, its okay!

Retard: Me didn't do the tricks and hurt my booty! [cries]

Fade to White

RW: Yeah. He only got passed the 1^st year though.

HG: SEE?

Int. Hagrid's Hut

H: Oh, that must be Loose Linda! Finally! [opens door]

HP: Hey Hagrid!

H: You're not Loo-- what are you doing here?

HP: We came to visit you! We never get to see you anymore, Hag!

H: We?

RW: Hey Hagrid!

HG: How are you?

H: Don't you guys know that it's one in the morning? I'm uh... I'm kinda busy...

HP: Yeah, I noticed! There's a lot of Playboy's here! Are you on a reading binge?

H: I--

RW: Hey, guys! It's a dragon egg!

H: Not just any dragon egg! It's a West Coast Draygon!

HG: No way!

HP: Hey it's hatching!

HG: No way!

H: Dang it! It wasn't supposed to hatch for another week!

HP: Wow, premature birth. I know all about that.

Dragon: Roar! I'm a dragon! Roar!

H: Bless him, he knows his mummy!

HP: Hey look, it's Malfoy! I guess he wanted to visit too!

HG: No, you idiot! He's gonna bust us all!

HP: Sh**! He's with the po-po?

HG: [sighs] Yes, Harry. He's with the po-po.

Int. Hogwarts

MM: You guys will all get detention. Including Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Bigbottom.

DM: What did I do?

MM: You snuck out of the school to go bust those crackers.

Neville: What did I do?

MM: Oh... you... you're just too fat.

RW: Can I be excused from this detention?

MM: Why would I do that, Mr. Weasley?

RW: I'm... uh... poor!

MM: Oh, alright.

RW: Ha, ha, losers! [dances]

Ext. Hagrid's Hut

H: [crying]

Janitor: Please, you wuss. You know that hookers and dragons aren't aloud in this school.

H: I was gonna get laid! Whatever... come this way, kids.

DM: Why? Where are we going?

H: The forest.

DM: But... you haven't been laid in god knows how long... and you want four fine-bodied young people to go with you in the dark? Plus there are werewolves!

H: Suck it up! You're with Harry!

DM: Fine... but I get your dog!

H: Okay... but I'll have you know that she's a bloody beagle and she's lazy as heck.

Ext. The Forest

DM: Stupid Potter! Made us get in a trouble! Stupid!

HP: Shut up, Malfoy! At least I'm not... a poo-poo face!

DM: Oh what a comeback!

HP: What the cluck was that?

DM: Honestly, Potter! You're such a little baby! It's only a--

DM: [screams, runs away]

HP: Ha! You wuss!

HP: Oh my god! Run away! [trips]

V: [snarls] I am a scary monster!

HP: Holy crap! [screams like a girl] Wait! I'm magic! Make-us-the-scary-monster-us-go-away-us!

V: Oh dear! I must retreat!

H: Harry! Are you alright?

HP: No!

HG: Harry, you look fine!

HP: But I'm not!

H: Well then what's wrong? Panic attack? High blood sugar? Low prostate?

HP: I peed myself!

HG: So that was Voldemort?

HP: I believe it was. He's been going around eating unicorns.

RW: For what?

HP: I've come to 2 conclusions about that-- 1: He likes unicorn steak. 2: He needs the unicorn blood for the Elixir of Life it contains.

HG: Of course! That's why Snape tried to get passed Fluffy on Halloween! To get to the Kidney Stone!

HP: Are you saying he's working for Voldemort?

HG: Yes! Of course! It all makes sense now! Oh, Harry! Make love to me!

HP: What?

HG: Nothing.