Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

[Scene 11: Harry Christmas]

HP: Queen to B7.

RW: Harry... for the last time! You have to move the pieces yourself!

HP: (throws chessboard across room) This game blows.

HG: (seductively) Hey Harry.

HP: Hermione, Ron's being mean.

HG: How's that?

HP: He said that every guy in the whole school saw your boobies except me!

HG: Well maybe I'll just have to show you them later...

HP: But you're leaving for the Mid-Michigan Alps in 5 minutes!

HG: Yeah, I am. Oh well. I'll see you in 2 weeks, baby.

HP: Okay bye.

HG: Oh, and Ron?

RW: Yeah?

HG: Make sure Harry doesn't spend all holiday searching the library for Nick Flamel!

RW: Okay. So how about we play checkers now?

HP: I guess I have to move all the pieces by myself in that game too?

RW: Uh... yeah.

HP: (throws box against wall) That game blows.

Int. Gryffindork Dorm

RW: Harry! Wake up! We got presents!

HP: What's the occasion?

RW: ... Christmas...

HP: Oh I think I've heard of this holiday!

RW: Wow Harry. The Dimwits must be really mean not to let you celebrate Christmas.

HP: Nope, worse.

RW: What's worse than that?

HP: Diversified holiday celebrations.

UV: Alright then, Putrid. I'll light the menorah while you sing Negro spirituals and Fugly can wear his Santa hat! This is gonna be the best Christmahanakwansika ever!

AP: Dear, you forgot about your sister Marge.

UV: Oh, that's right. We better put up the burning crosses and pump up the hate music!

CD: Hail Satan!

RW: Oh, bollocks. Mum made me another Blues Clues sweater.

HP: Yes! Your mom made me a Blues Clues sweater!

RW: Hey, what's that rather lumpy package for you?

HP: Hmm... "This was your dad's a long time ago so here you go."

RW: What is it?

HP: I wish I could tell you. There isn't anything in this package.

RW: Silly Harry! That's an invisible cloak! They're really rare!

HP: But I can't see it!

RW: It makes you invisible and you can go anywhere... even the girl's locker room!

HP: I CAN'T SEE IT!!!

RW: Well, that's probably why they're so rare.

HP: Who's this from?

RW: Hagrid. He says it might come in handy.

HP: It's an electric guitar.

HP: Maybe some kind of enchanted electric guitar...

RW: No, girls are just horny for guys with guitars. Haven't you ever seen Paul McCartney's wife?

Int. Harry's Room

HP: (in bed) Man, this has been a great Christmas... hey wait, I was distracted by finding out who Nick Flamel was a scene ago! Maybe I can go sneak into the library with my invisible cloak and find out! Yeah! There's nothing dorky about that!

Int. Library

HP: Dang! There isn't anything about him in the non-fiction section! I'm going to have to go into the forbidden fiction section!

George W. Bush: Hello viewers. You may be wondering why the fiction section is forbidden. Well, I'm gonna tell you. Fiction books are evil and lead to terrorist attacks like 9/11. Don't read fiction. I'm George W. Bush and I approve this message.

HP: F you, Bush! My books teach kids about evil and how to fight it!

GW: Like the war on terrorism?

HP: No the civil war on your presidency!

John Kerry: Burn!

Int. Restricted Section

HP: I can't find Nick Flamel anywhere! This sucks! Woops, I accidentally turned on my iPod!

[SFX: Grand Funk Railroad: We're An American Band]

The Janitor: Who at is dat?

HP: Oh sh** it's the 5-0! Scat!

Janitor: I'm gonna get you, b**ch!

HP: Not if I hide in this room! [hides in room]

Int. a dark room

HP: Wow a mirror! What the? Mom? Dad? Jessica Alba? Batman? W.T.F., man!

RW: Harry! I followed the sound of your iPod! What is this thing?

HP: I don't know, but look! You can see my parents and Jessica Alba!

RW: No, I see myself with $40,000,000, a Ferrari, my brothers dressed as slaves and... wait-- there's Jessica Alba!

HP: But you didn't see my mum and dad?

RW: Nope.

AD: Harry! You seem to have found the Erised fo Rorrim!

HP: The what?

AD: It's "Mirror of Desire" spelled backwards!

HP: [sarcastically] Wow. That is so clever. I am amazed.

AD: This mirror shows your deepest, darkest fantasies.

HP: It does n-- oh there's Jessica Simpson!

AD: Men have watched this mirror for years until they went crazy!

HP: What about women?

AD: Fabio's all over the internet, Harry. Now, you shouldn't dwell on dreams that have already passed.

HP: What?

AD: I'm relocating the mirror to a separate location until further time it is advantageous.

HP: Albus, I don't get words more than 5 letters long.

AD: Me-- Dumbledore-- am moving... [hand mimes moving] the big shiny glass to another place!

HP: Oh!

AD: If you ever see it again, you shall be prepared.

HP: I don't understand.

AD: That's point... like a clue, so later you'll go "Oh that's what he meant!"

HP: Later? What happens later?

AD: Must... not... leak... plot line! Can't... be... like... the book-reading... losers!

[Scene 12: Nick Flamel]

Int. Library

HG: I found him! I knew I'd find him somewhere! I picked up the World Book, coincidentally the "F" volume, for a bit of light reading the other day!

HP: God, don't you have any Teen People or anything?

HG: So I looked up Nick Flamel-- did you know he's over 400 years old?

HP: Hey did you know Brad Pit's over 40 years old? You'd know if you read Teen People!

HG: Anyway, he was famed for his work with Albus Dumbledore in alchemy!

HP: Brad Pit is known for his work on Angelina Jolie in sex!

HG: And get this: He is the only known maker of the Kidney Stone!

RW: The what?

HG: The Kidney Stone! It was said to be passed by the Great Zeus and magically enchanted every century to protect the Elixir of Life!

RW: The what?

HG: It was Zeus's original kidney juice that made its drinker immortal!

HP: People drank his kidney juice?

HG: Harry, Zeus was a god!

RW: God, imagine how special you'd be if you gave him a B.J.!

HG: Don't you guys get it? The dog was guarding the Kidney Stone!

HP: Dang! I thought that was where all our food was kept!

Ext. the Broomstick Shed

HP: Wow, what a great Quidditch match. I'm surprised we won, especially after one of our chasers was beheaded and I lost my hands!

SS: Did you find out how to get passed Hagrid's dog yet?

QS: Sev-Severus... I-- I...

SS: You don't want me to be your enemy, Squirrel.

QS: I... I don't know--

SS: You know what I mean, Quivery.

QS: B-but I don't...

SS: Very well then, I'll just IM you annoying messages until you give in!

QS: I-I d-d-don't hav-ve a c-c-comput-t-ter!

SS: Well then here's a T-Mobile Sidekick!

QS: You can't make me keep this!

SS: Keep-us-Sidekick-us!

QS: N-N-NOOOOO!