Harry Potter and the Half-Witted Prince

Stupid But Funny Productions

ELMER Comedy

Harry Potter

and the Half-Witted Prince

Int. Harry's Room

HP: (sleeping and snoring loudly)

Matt Coggins

Matt Coggins

and Matt Coggins

With Jon R. Coggins

Matt Coggins

Becky Coggins

Matt Coggins

and Matt Coggins

as Albus Dumbledore

HP: (wakes up) Oh dee-ah!

Matt Coggins

Based on J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter Series

Written and Directed by Matt Coggins

HP: I WET THE BED! WEE-OO-WEE-OO-WEE!

(fade)

[Scene 3: The Burrow]

Ext. Dursley Home

SFX: Doorbell

AB: Hello, Harry! Wazzup?

HP: Nothin' much, Homie G!

AB: Are you ready to leave?

HP: Heck yes!

AB: I'd better tell the Dursleys--

HP: They won't be able to hear you over the fat, sir!

AB: Of course! Let's go! Do you know how to disappear?

HP: (picking nose w/wand) I might!

AB: (disappears)

HP: (licks top of wand & disappears)

Ext. The Burrow

AB & HP: (appear)

AB: There is something I must tell you Harry!

HP: (has a pencil sticking out of eye) What?

AB: You must destroy Voldemort sometime in the next 2 years!

HP: Why?

AB: It is your destiny!

HP: Oh, okay.

AB: Oh, and I'm going to give you private lessons this year!

HP: Whoopee!

AB: Bye, bye. (disappears)

Int. The Burrow

HP: (enters)

MW: Oh, hello, Harry dear! Ron is so excited you could come! He's been dancing in his undies all morning!

RW: (dances in tighty-whities)

MW: We were just going to Fred & George's shop. Do you want to come?

HP: Heck yes!

[Scene 4: Competition]

Int. Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

HP: (appears) Wazzup, Fred?

GW: I'm George!

HP: Wazzup, George?

FW: I'm Fred!

HP: Chew your gum!

FW: What?

HP: How's business?

FW: It sucks.

GW: Chicken Vila, that rich entrepreneur, has just opened a shop across the street--

FW: Chicken Vila's House of Stuff That Will Put the People Across the Street Out of Business.

GW: ...and it's putting us out of business.

HP: He must be a Death Eater!

FW: What makes you say that?

HP: I don't know... but I'm going across the street to find out! (disappears)

Int. Chicken Vila's House of Stuff That Will Put the People Across the Street Out of Business, a.k.a. CV's HoSTWPtPAtSOoB

HP: Wazzup, Chicken?

CV: Yo momma!

HP: Avada Kedavra!

CV: (falls to the ground, dead)

HP: Oops.

V: (appears) How dare you kill a man who sells me such glorious things!

HP: But he's a Death Eater!

V: Nuh-uh!

HP: Yuh-huh!

V: Nuh-uh!

HP: Yuh-huh!

V: Prove it!

HP: I don't want to!

V: Fine! Crucio!

HP: Ow, oh, ow. Oh dee-ah. Ouchies.

V: That doesn't hurt, does it?

HP: Nope, sucka!

V: Oh yeah? Well... yo momma! Oh! Pants!

HP: What?

V: Avada Kedavra!

HP: (dies)

V: Ha, ha! I win!

RW: (appears) Let's dance!

V: Sorry, I don't dance with people who wear tighty-whities. I kill them.

RW: What?

V: Avada Kedavra!

RW: (dies)

HG: (appears) How dare you kill my boyfriend and my friend!

V: Avada Kedavra!

HG: (dies)

SPIDER-BAT: (appears) What--

V: Avada Kedavra!

SB: (dies)

V: (disappears)

CV: (appears) La, la, la!

HP: (appears)

RW: (appears)

HG: (appears)

CV: What the- I thought Voldemort killed you!

HP: What the- I thought I killed you!

MS: What the- Let's dance!

CV, HP, RW, HG, MS: (dance)

[Scene 5: Voldemort's Enemies]

Int. Hogwarts Express

HP: So, who are you again, Lord Moldieshorts?

MS: I am Lord Moldieshorts! I am your teacher this year! I am also Voldemort's 3^rd worst enemy!

HP: Are you?

MS: Yesseriebob!

HP: My name is Harry, not Bob.

MS: What?

HP: Your momma!

MS: So did you hear the news?

HP: What news?

MS: Chicken Vila is opening a store in Hogwarts!

HP: What's is called?

MS: Chicken Vila's House of Hogwarts!

HP: Oh.

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

RW: So, Harry, I heard you got some stuff from Sirius's will.

HP: Wee-oo!

HG: I don't think Harry needs reminding of Sirius, Ron.

RW: Shut up, Hermione!

HG: You!

RW: Stupid!

HG: Stupider!

RW: Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!

HG: Are you getting turned on right now?

RW: Heck yes! (pauses)

HG: We're sorry about Sirius, Harry.

HP: Who?

[Scene 6: Chicken Vila's House of Hogwarts]

HP, RW, HG: (enter)

CV: Hello, welcome to Chicken Vila's House of Hogwarts! Might I interest you in some products?

HP, RW, HG: Heck yes!

CV: You look like a man who loves the ladies!

RW: Yep!

CV: Wee, I got just the thing! Here's some Spray Deodorant from Old Spice! (sprays Ron) That'll be 40 Galleons. Say, you look like a girl who loves the chocolate!

HG: Yep!

CV: Here you go, a giant Reese's! (gives it to Hermione) That'll be 40 bucks. Say! You look oddly familiar!

HP: Maybe that's because I killed you last summer.

CV: Oh, yeah! You look like a man who loves chairs!

HP: How did you know?

CV: That'll be 64 pesos. I take Visa.

Ext. Chicken Vila's House of Hogwarts

HP: That place is sweet!

[Scene 7: The Half-Witted Prince]

Int. The Dungeon

MS: So, I will assign you a really hard potion that is really hard to make. The person who gets closest to making the potion wins! Ready? Set? G--

HP: Wee-oo!

MS: What's wrong, Harry?

HP: I don't have a book!

MS: Oh, okay. (walks away)

HP: I WANT A BOOK!

MS: Okay! Fine! (gives Harry a book) GO!

(class begins making potion)

HP: Hermioneeeee! Psst! Hermioneeeeeeeeee!

HG: What?

HP: HERMIONEEEEEEEEEEE! HERMIONE! HEY!!!! LOOK OVER HERE!

HG: WHAT THE PANTS DO YOU WANT?

HP: I don't know what to do!

HG: Try looking in your book!

HP: Oh, okay. (reads book aloud) First light a fire under your cauldron. Hmm... (sticks appear in hands and he rubs them together) Stupid sticks! (lighter appears in hand and he tries lighting that) Stupid lighter!

HG: Light-us-fire-us! (fire appears under Harry's cauldron)

HP: Okay... weirdo. Add root of toad and mix with litter of cat. Stir twenty-thousand times clockwise, and then forty-thousand counter-clockwise. I don't want to! Wait, what's this? There's some writing on the side! Give up. Hmm... Throw your cauldron to the ground and scream, "Chocolate Monkey Pies!" (Throws cauldron to ground) Chocolate Monkey Pies!

MS: I suppose you're right, Harry. You win!

HG: WHAT????? All he did was throw his cauldron to the ground and scream "Chocolate Monkey Pies!"

MS: So?

HG: I... um... I... wee-oo!

(bell rings)

MS: Class dismissed!

RW: So Harry, how did you know to throw your cauldron to the ground and scream, "Chocolate Monkey Pies!"?

HP: Hmm... I don't remember! Oh yeah! It was in my book! (Hands book over to Ron)

RW: (reads) Hmm... who wrote this?

HG: Jack Stonemaker.

RW: No, not the book, the little notes on the side!

HP: The Crib-Notes Company?

RW: No, it says right here!

HG: Well? Who wrote it?

RW: I don't know. I can't read.

HP: (takes book) Property of the Half-Witted Prince.

[Scene 8: Voldie's Mommy]

Int. Dumbledore's Office

AB: Hello, Harry!

HP: Hi.

AB: How are you?

HP: Hi.

AB: Okay. Well, I'm going to take you into a memory depicting Voldemort's past. Are you ready? Too bad! (fade to white)

Ext. Gaunt House

(fade from white)

HP: I have to go potty!

AB: Okay, but we have to see this memory of Bob Vila first.

Int. Gaunt House

SFX: Doorbell

Boy: (speaking Snakelips)

HP: Hey, he's speaking Snakelips!

AB: (sarcastically) Wow, I didn't notice.

HP: Gee, I remember when I spoke Snakelips without even knowing it. (fade to white)

HP: (speaking Snakelips)

RW: Hey, you're speaking Snakelips!

(fade from white)

AB: Wow. A memory in a memory.

Bob Vila: (enters) Hello, is there a Mr. Gollum here?

Gollum: Me ams Gollum!

BV: Then you just won $1 million dollars through Publisher's Clearinghouse!

Gollum: You is not here to give Gollum moneys... you wants to marry Gollum's daughter! (points to Mop)

BV: No, sir, your daughter is very ugly.

Gollum: Then you wants Gollum's precious! (points to ring)

BV: No, sir, I don't.

Gollum: What does you wants then?

BV: Well, I would like a banana!

Gollum: You wants to steal Gollum's bananas! Avada Kedavra!

Tom Riddle Sr.: (enters) What's going on here?

Mop: I love you, top!

TRS: Ew, sick!

AB: I think it's time to go. (fade to white)

Int. Dumbledore's Office

(fade from white)

HP: Why did you show me that?

AB: Mop was Voldemort's mommy. She gave Tom Riddle Sr. a love potion and then had his baby. Then Tom found out she was a witch and gave his son really bad plastic surgery. Tom then left Mop.

HP: That explains a lot.

AB: Our lesson is over now. You can go potty.

HP: Too late.

[Scene 9: Oops]

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HP: (Reads Book) Ha, ha, ha! I love this spell! (Fade to white)

Int. Hogwarts

HP: (Casts spell)

GW: (Toenails grow out of shoes) HOLY CRAP!!! (Fade to white)

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HP: Ha, ha, ha! Oh, this one too! (Fade to white)

Int. Hogwarts

HP: (Casts spell)

Argus Filch: I hate kids!

SFX: Space alarm

Argus Filch: AAAAHHH! The aliens are coming!!! (Fade to white)

Ext: Hogsmeade

RW: I love going to Hogsmeade! Let's dance!

HG: Not here, Ron.

RW: You never let me have any fun. Muh.

HP: Let's go get some Butterbeer.

Int. The Three Broomsticks

MS: Harry, m'boy!

HP: What? My name is Bob!

MS: Ha, ha, ha! What a funny lad you are! Anyway, I'm inviting you to a party I'm hosting on Monday! It's really fun!

HP: I don't wanna come! I mean... I have a meeting with Professor Dumbledore!

MS: Pooper dedooper. Oh, well. (Walks away, crying)

HP: I wonder what his problem is.

HG: (Gulping Firewhisky) I don't know... but I feel a little tipsy! (barfs) Make that extremely drunk! (passes out)

RW: (Dancing) Now we can do whatever we want! (Continues dancing)

HP: Snap! (disappears)(appears in boxers) Let's dance!

HP & RW: (dance)

Ext. Hogsmeade/Hogwarts

HP: Wow! That was the bestest day ever!

RW: Yeah it-- wait, where's Hermione?

HP: We left her behind when we danced out of the pub!

RW: Oh yeah!

HP: Hey, Ron, look at those hot girls!

RW: Yeah, I see them. What are they doing?

Katie Bell: (tugging on package) Stop, Lorraine! This isn't for you!

Lorraine: (makes Lorraine noise) Who is it for then?

Katie Bell: I'm not telling you!

Lorraine: (makes Lorraine noise) Give it to me! (makes Lorraine noise) (package rips open)

Katie Bell: What the-- (flies into air)

Lorraine: Oops. (makes Lorraine noise)

[Scene 10: Riddle Me This]

Ext. Hogwarts Grounds

HG: So Katie was taken to General Hospital yesterday. They're making such a soap opera about all this.

RW: Who would want to make Katie fly into a United Airlines plane?

HG: I don't think Katie was the person intended for that package.

RW: Well who could it be?

HG: Dumbledore, maybe? He seems to have all the power in this school. Maybe that's why people are always making excuses to get him out of here.

RW: Who would want to make Dumbledore fly into a United Airlines plane?

HP: Malfoy.

RW: Why would he do that?

HP: He's a Voldemort Buddy.

HG: I think your exaggerating, Harry.

HP: He killed Ron once, remember?

HG: No.

RW: I do! He also killed Ginny a few dozen times!

HP: Who is this Ginny you speak of?

Int. Dumbledore's Office

HP: (enters)

AB: Hello, Harry. How are you?

HP: I'm okay.

AB: You must've been pretty busy while I was gone. I believe that you witnessed Katie's incident?

HP: Sure. How is she?

AB: I have no idea. The General Hospital people keep sending me mail and stuff but it was really boring and I threw it away.

HP: Where were you this weekend?

AB: Up your butt!

HP: What?

AB: I was in Florida, reading MAD Magazines and listening to Black Eyed Peas songs.

(fade to white)

[AB sits on lawn chair with MAD Magazine and "Let's Get it Started" playing in background. He sings to it horribly.]

(fade to white)

AB: Or was I? Hee, hee, hee...

HP: I think Malfoy sent Katie flying.

AB: Do you?

HP: Yes, I do.

AB: You do?

HP: Uh huh.

AB: Okay.

HP: Yep.

AB: I'll look into that Malfoy thing, but right now we have a lesson.

HP: Right.

(fade to white)

Ext. Diagon Alley

(fade from white)

HP: So, why are we in Diagon Alley?

AB: To see Voldemort's mommy trying to survive the life of a single parent living in England.

HP: That sounds vaguely familiar.

AB: It's the same story of J.K. Rowling, the lady who wrote these stupid books.

HP: Oh yeah. So where do we go to see this story taking place?

AB: The local Goodwill store.

HP: Hang on-- there's a Goodwill in Diagon Alley?

AB: Yeah, it's right next to the McDonalds, and across the street from Wall-Mart.

HP: I suppose there's a Taco Bell too.

AB: Yeah, right next to the Wall-Mart. Open until 2:00 am.

HP: Can I get a burrito?

AB: No, we're in a memory, remember?

HP: Sorry, I have a bad memory.

AB: That's okay. Let's go to the Goodwill.

HP: There's a Goodwill in Diagon Alley?

Ext. Diagon Alley's Goodwill

HP: Hey, look, it's Mop!

Mop: How much do you want for this?

Lady: Ma'am this is just a Spider-Man lunchbox. I'll take it for 2 cents.

Mop: No, no, no, you see, this is used to be Salazar Slytherin's!

Lady: Really? Hmm... this is a priceless object. It could sell for millions and millions on E-bay. Hmm... I'll buy it for $10.

Mop: Cool! I can buy that cupboard I'm going to live in! Maybe I'll have enough for another cupboard for my baby!

(fade to white)

Int. The Orphanage

(fade from white)

AB: Now, we are in an orphanage. The same exact one Voldemort lived in. I came here to tell Voldemort he was coming to Hogwarts. Look, there's the past me.

HP: Did you always have that beard?

AB(v.o.): Hello, I am Albus Dumbledore. Wazzup?

Lady(v.o.): Um... hi. You said you wanted to talk about Tommy Riddle?

AB(v.o.): Yes. I want to admit him to my school.

Lady(v.o.): You mean he won a scholarship?

AB(v.o.): No, you have to pay him in. But it's a really cool school.

Lady(v.o.): Did his parents put him down for this place?

AB(v.o.): Yes.

Lady(v.o.): I don't remember much of them. I only met his mom when she came up to our door and said, "I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies!" Then she had Tommy and died.

AB(v.o.): How sad. Let me see him.

Lady(v.o.): You're not going to pull a Michael Jackson on him, are you?

AB(v.o.): You sick woman! Like my idol, R. Kelly, always said, "Michael Jackson is a freak! Now where are the Olsen Twins?"

Int. The Orphanage, Tommy's Room

AB: Hello, Tommy. I am Albus Dumbledore.

V: You're a dork.

AB: Thank you. Guess what? You're a wizard!

V: What? No way! Is this Punk'd or something?

AB: No, it is not. You are a wizard.

V: Cool.

AB: Hey, where did you get those toys?

V: I stole them from some kids when we went to a cave.

AB: What do you got in here? iPod... PSP... X-Box... wow, you hit the jackpot!

V: I also stole 100 bucks from a bank so I can buy HALO 2 and play it online.

AB: Sweet! Tell me when you play and I'll get on too!

(fade to white)

Int. Dumbledore's Office

(fade from white)

HP: So what happened afterwards?

AB: Well, I bought an X-Box and an internet connection, found Tommy online, and we played HALO. I should've known he would be evil in later life, especially since his screen name was "Lord Voldemort" and that he kept betraying me when we played Capture the Flag.

HP: (snores)

AB: Well, that concludes our lesson. Wanna go get some Taco Bell?

HP: Sure.

[Scene 11: Lucky!]

Ext. Hogwarts

RW: Wow, what a scary thought. You-Know-Who as a kid. I still don't get why Dumbledore's showing you all this stuff.

HP: It has something to do with the fact that I have to kill him sometime soon.

HG: I think it's fascinating! I bet Tommy was pretty hot!

HP: How was Moldieshorts's latest party?

HG: It blew! All he did was dance to old Elvis music and give us stale cheese.

RW: What's wrong with Elvis?

HP & HG: (stare)

RW: Uh... I mean... Let's dance!

Prof. Sprout: No dancing in class! Start working!

RW: Fine! You should've used the spell with loud noises that you got from your book, Harry.

HG: Nuh-uh! That book is stupid and evil and could get Harry in trouble!

RW: What are we supposed to be doing anyway?

HP: Yo momma!

HG: Anyway, Moldieshorts is throwing a Christmas party--

HP: I didn't know he was that strong!

HG:--and he used his psychic powers to find a day you don't have anything to do.

HP: Shitake mushrooms!

RW: And this is just a party for his favorites?

HG: For the Moldy Club? Yep.

RW: (stifles laughter)... aw, what the heck, HA, HA, HA(etc.)!

HG: What? I think it's a cool name. I made it up, after all.

RW: You're a dork! You should go with that guy Erckle! Then you guys can have a meaningful relationship and get married and have a few kids and settle down and retire and then at our school reunion I'll laugh at you because you went with that guy Erckle and had--

HG: Actually, I was going to ask you, but if you think--

RW: Yes. I will go with you.

HP: Ha! Ron you're such a dork! I mean... let's dance!

Prof. Sprout: What did I say about dancing?

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HP: There is something special tomorrow that I cant seem to put my finger on... some kind of game...

HG: You have a Quidditch game tomorrow.

HP: Aw, shittah! That girl that flew in the air is on my team!

RW: Oh no! What are you going to do, Harry?

HP: This may make me think for once... (ponders)

SFX: Jeopardy! theme song

HP: I've got it!

HG: You're going to replace Katie with someone really good at Quidditch?

HP: No!

HG: You're going to forfeit the match?

HP: No!

RW: You're going to dance?

HP: No, but that was close!

HG: What are you going to do?

HP: Instead of Quidditch, I'm going to challenge to Slytherins to a game of golf!

HG: How is dancing close to that?

Int. Gryffindor Boy's Dorm

HP(v.o): Your best friend's sister... your best friend's sister... stop daydreaming about her... but she's so hot! I want to kiss her until my lips get sore! NO! She's your best friend's sister... best friend's sister... friend's sister... sister... vote for Pedro!

Ext. Hogwarts Grounds

GW: Harry! What took you so long?

HP: I had to ask Dumbledore if we could play golf instead of Quidditch all year!

GW: But you went to his office six hours ago!

HP: Well, when I left his office, some hot Slytherin girls gave me this thing called "poison" and I drank it and... (passes out)

GW: Un-poison-us!

HP:...and it actually tasted pretty good.

RW: Hey, Harry! Check out my driver swing! (backswings; knocks Ginny in the face; makes a horrible front swing; knocks Ginny in the face again.) What do you think?

Ext. Hogwarts Library (Nighttime)

RW: I'm horrible at golf. I'm resigning.

HP: Ron, you're not that bad...(fade to white)

(A reel of Ron making horrible shots while "Ode to Joy" plays in the background. Most of these shots end up hurting Ginny.)

(fade from white)

HP:...uh... Here, take this golf instruction video. It helped me get really good at golf, and maybe it will help you.

RW: Gee, Harry, thanks! I'll go watch it right now! (runs off camera)

MS: Harry! Glad I caught up to ya! Here's your prize from that Really Hard Potion Contest! It's called the Lucky Potion! It makes you lucky for a whole day! I like to yell! Say, where is your friend Ron off to?

HP: I gave him the only copy of The Hogwarts Golf Instruction Video.

MS: But that movie is sitting right here!

HP: Oh, crap! What did I just give him?

Ext. Hogsmeade Golf Course

RW: Happy Gilmore was the best movie I ever saw in my life, Harry! It taught me so much about golf!

HP: Uh... good for you, Ron!

RW: The only thing that's making me a little unnerved is the fact that 5 of the seven people on the Slytherin team are extremely good at golf!

HP: Here, take some of this... Gatorade! (hands Ron a bottle of Gatorade; pretends to put something in it)

HG: Don't drink that Ron! Harry put something in it!

HP: I have no idea what you are talking about.

HG: Don't drink it, Ronald!

RW: (drinks Gatorade) Stop bossing me around, Hermione.

GW: Hey guys, guess what? 5 of the seven people on the Slytherin team, coincidentally the ones who are extremely good at golf, are dead! Oh, and Malfoy is sick.

RW: How oddly lucky. Hey... did you put your Lucky Potion in my Gatorade?

HP: Go clean your putter, Ron. We'll start in 4 seconds.

Jim Robbins (Slytherin Guy): You go first, Potter.

HP: (makes a fairly good shot) You next, Rrrobbins!

JR: (makes a beautiful shot) It's Weasley's turn, now!

RW: I don't know about this Harry!

HP: Do it or I'll never dance with you again!

RW: I'll do it! I'll do it! (makes a Happy Gilmore swing, which is excellent) Yay!!! I did something better than someone!

(reel of Ron and Harry making excellent shots with the chorus of "Mexican Wine" playing in the background)

HP: It's the last hole, Ron. We're only 2 strokes less than Robbins. We need you to make a really good put. You think you can do it?

RW: I think so. (walks up to his ball, which is inches away from the hole) I think I can... I think I can... I think I can... I think I can... (close-up: Ron sweats and panics for an extended amount of time)(makes put) YES!!! WE WON!!!

HP: Hey, we did!

HG: I'm telling you cheated! You added your lucky potion to Ron's Gatorade this morning!

HP: Nuh-uh! I only pretended to put the potion in Ron's Gatorade so he would think he was under its influence so he would do really good! But now he knows he can do good by himself!

RW: I can? Sweet! I'm going to dance! (dances)

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HP: (walks in) Wow, what a party!

RW: Yeah, I know! I've been making out with Lavender Brown every since I got here!

HP: Hey, where'd they get all the food?

RW: What? There's food here? I guess I never noticed!

HG: Wee-oo!

HP: What's wrong with Hermione?

HG: I'm jealous because Ron's making out with a girl hotter than me!

HP: I think she has heartburn!

RW: Or maybe she's constipated! Hermione, do you need a laxative?

HG: Avada Kedavra!

RW: AHH! (dies)(comes back to life) That tickled!

[Scene 12: Exchanging Vows]

Ext. Hogwarts (Winter)

HP: Okay, Hedwig. Are you ready? Okay... FLY! (Throws Hedwig into air, bird falls to ground) Poop!

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

RW: Bla, bla, bla, bla, Hermione, bla, bla, bla, bla, me, bla, bla, bla, Lavender, bla, bla, bla, making out, bla, bla, bla, dancing, bla--

HP: Will you shut up?

Int. Hogwarts Library

HG: Bla, bla, bla, bla, Ron, bla, bla, bla, bla, me, bla, bla, bla, Lavender, bla, bla, bla, making out, bla, bla, bla, dancing, bla--

HP: Will you shut up? I'm trying to read my book!

HG: You better be careful, Harry.

HP: For the last time, this book is not evil.

HG: I'm not talking about that! You see, when I was in the bathroom, I had to take a really big poo. It was as if someone gave me a laxative while I was sleeping last night.

HP: So I'm supposed to beware of your poop?

HG: No. There were 847 girls in there who all planned to slip you some love potion somehow. They bought it from Chicken Vila, so you know they gotta be good.

HP: Maybe I better buy an anti-love-potion potion from Fred and George.

HG: Well I'm sure not even the Half-Witted Prince is smart enough to help you out here.

HP: What makes you say that?

HG: Am I the only one who noticed his name is "The Half-Witted Prince?"

HP: (picking nose with wand) What?

HG: It's just so stupid that they're able to sneak potions like that into school!

HP: Malfoy was able to sneak in that necklace--

HG: Harry, will you drop that?

Madam Pinch: The library is now closed! You must return everything you borrowed or I'll-- Holy s***!!! (grabs Half-Witted Prince's book) What have you done to this book?

HP: I wrote on it.

Madam Pinch: My god! It's so horrible! Get it away from me! I'm melting! Melting! Melllllllllllllllting...

HP & HG: (walk off)

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HP & HG: (walk in)

Girl: Hello, Harry! Would you like some beer?

HP: No, I don't drink.

Girl: How about this joint?

HP: No, I don't smoke.

Girl: Sniff some coke? Inject something?

HP: No, I don't do drugs.

Girl: Darn. How about some pudding?

HP: YAY! PUDDING! (looks at Hermione) I mean... I hate pudding.

Girl: (drops stuff and runs off crying)

HG: Told you Harry.

HP: What? She just wanted me to do bad things and eat pudding.

HG: She had love potion in those, you idiot. Anyway, I--

RW(v.o.): Wow, Lavender! You have a really long tongue!

HG: Goodnight, Harry. (walks off)

HP: Night, night. (falls asleep in chair)

(reel of Ron and Hermione being mean to each other [Cheating On You playing in background] , including:)

RW: (casts spell; grows large mustache)

HG: (laughs)

cut/

HG: So, anyway, I took the--(farts)

RW: (laughs)

cut/

Prof. McGonagall: What is the square root of fishes?

RW: (imitates Hermione raising her hand) Ooh, ooh! Pick me!

cut/

HG: Trip-us-Ron-us!

RW: (trips)

HG: (laughs)

cut/

RW: (continues imitating Hermione) Please, Professor! Please pick me!

cut/

RW: Poop-us-pant-us!

HG: (a large load appears in pants)

RW: Hey, look! Hermione just crapped herself! (laughs loudly)

cut/

RW: (continues imitating Hermione) Professor, I know it! Pick me!!!

cut/

HP: (casts spell; eyebrow turns yellow)

RW: (laughs)

HP: Why are you laughing at me?

RW: I'm not! I just remembered Hermione crapped herself this morning! (laughs)

HG: (cries, leaves room)

RW: What's her problem?

Int. Hogwarts Cafeteria

HP(v.o.): You could say you're sorry.

RW: Or I could dance!

HP: Ron, even I'm starting to make you look stupid and selfish.

RW: (dancing) What? Did you say something?

HP: Why did you make fun of Hermione?

RW: She laughed at my mustache!

HP: So did I, it's the funniest thing I ever saw in my life.

RW: I kinda like it.

HP: What?

RW: Ah, Lavender! Let's make out!

HP: Hi, Paravati. Wazzup?

PP: Hi, Harry. I'm okay. My parents almost pulled me out of school because Katie flew into that United Airlines plane.

HP: How sad.

PP: Hi, Hermione! Wazzup?

HG: Hi, Paravati! Are you going to Moldieshorts's party tonight?

PP: Hex y-- no. I'd love to go, though. It sounds really fun. You're going, aren't you?

HG: Yes, I'm meeting Napoleon at eight, and we're--

RW: HUH?

HG: --we're going to the party together.

PP: Napoleon? Napoleon Dynamite, you mean?

HG: That's right. The one who almost became Gryffindor Keeper last year... (fade to white)

HP: Okay, the first one to get this ball wins! (throws ball)

RW: AHH! (runs, falls)

ND: Idiot!

RW: Must... get... up!!!

ND: This is too frickin' easy!

RW: I can't feel my legs!

ND: You-- sweet! Some tots! (walks toward tater tots)

RW: AHH! (drags himself to ball; picks it up) YES! I HAVE IT! I WIN!

HP: Let's dance!

HP & RW: (dance)

ND: You guys are retarded! (eats tots) Gross! They're so frickin' stale!

(fade to white)

PP: Are you going out with him, then?

ND: Heck yes she is!

PP: Well, I see you have a thing for Quidditch players.

HG: I have a thing for really good Quidditch players. Well, I better go. I have to get ready for the party.

HP: Wait, Hermione! I wanna borrow some lipstick! Hermione!!!

Ext. Hogwarts Grounds

HP: (arrives)

MS: Harry, m'boy! How's it hangin'? Wazzup with my favorite dawg in my pimpin' g-unit posse?

HP: Uh... how are you, Lord Moldieshorts?

MS: Totally pimp, as usual. Great party, isn't it?

HP: This is it? There's only 5 people here.

MS: I know! It's the biggest posse I ever had!

HP: What is the crap you're playing on your stereo?

MS: My musack? Ashley Simpson, of course!

HP: Um... oh, look, my friend Hermione. HERMIONE, GET OVER HERE!

HG: Wazzup, Harry? I think I had one too many pina colotas!

HP: He's serving alcohol here?

HG: Heck yes!

HP: Hey, where's Napoleon?

HG: I ran away from him. He started telling everyone to vote for some guy named Pedro. He also says he's been invading people's dreams with his magic liger... And then I passed out under some mistletoe and when I woke up he tried to kiss me!

HP: Why'd you invite him?

HG: I thought he'd annoy Ron the most, but it turns out he just annoys everyone.

HP: Don't tell him that or he'll do really bad next time we play golf!

HG: Well I don't-- oh, apple sticks! Here he comes! (disappears)

ND: Hey did you see that killer sweet babe Hermione?

HP: Who?

ND: Sweet! Moldieshorts is servin' tots! (walks away)

Prof. Trelawney: Hey, Harry, how come you didn't take my class this year?

HP: Because it is stupid and pointless just like Telletubbies.

MS: I must agree! Plus, my subject is bestest! Harry is the best student I ever taught at Potions! Of course, Snape gets some credit! SNAPE!

SS: What the dickens do you want, Moldieshorts?

MS: I was just saying you taught Harry very well because he's the bestest student I ever had in my possession!

SS: How odd. I don't remember teaching Potter a single thing in my entire career. (fade to white)

SS: (cheerily) Welcome to my class! Today, to start you all off, I want you to look up the word "potion" in the dictionary! The first one to find it gets a free piece of candy!

HP: (raises hand) What is a dictionary?

SS: Well, son, a dictionary is a reference book that contains words listed in alphabetical order and gives explanations of their meanings, often with additional information about grammar, pronunciation, and etymology.

HP: Oh. (raises hand) What is a word?

SS: A word is a meaningful sound or combination of sounds that is a unit of language or its representation in a text.

HP: Oh. (raises hand) What is candy?

SS: Kid, shut the f*** up and get to work.

(fade from white)

MS: Then it must be his natural ability!

HP: (raises hand) What is ability?

SS: You see?

MS: What other subjects are you taking, Harry?

HP: Defense Against the Dark Arts, Charms, Transfiguration, Herbology--

SS: Those are all the subjects needed to by a cop.

HP: I know. I wanna be a cop.

MS: AND HE'D BE A GREAT ONE!!!

Argus Filch: Sir, I caught this boy trying to sneak into your party with a pistol and a butter knife.

DM: I was trying to crash the party, happy?

Filch: Do I look happy?

DM: I don't know... get rid of some of those wrinkles... clean your hair...

MS: It's alright, Argus. It's just a Christmas party. It's not a crime if he wanted to PARTAY!!! (dances) He can stay. (dances some more)

DM: Gee, thanks, sir!

MS: No prob, home-dawg! Now let's make this partay totally pimp!

SS: I would like a word with you, Draco. Follow me.

SS & DM: (leave)

HP: I... UM... HAVE TO GO POTTY!

MS: OKAY, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL! THAT'S MY JOB!

Int. Hogwarts Hallway

SS: We cannot afford mistakes, Malfoy, because if you are expelled--

DM: I didn't have anything to do with it!

SS: I hope so, because people already think you have a hand in it.

DM: Who suspects me? The Bell girl must have enemies that nobody knows of. I know what you're doing, Snape. It won't work. I can stop you.

SS: (pauses) I can't read your mind. You put up some kind of force-field... What thoughts are you trying to conceal from your master?

DM: I'm to trying to hide anything from him, I just don't want you butting in!

SS: So that's why you're avoiding me! You fear my interference! You realize that if anyone else knew--

DM: So put me in detention! Report me to Dumbledore!

SS: You know I wish to do neither of those things.

DM: Then stop calling me to your office!

SS: I'm trying to help you, Malfoy! I swore to your mother I would protect you. I made the Unbreakable Vow!

DM: Looks like you'll have to break it, then, because I don't need your protection! It's my job, he gave it to me and I'm doing it. I've got a plan and it's going to work, it's just taking me a bit longer than I thought it would!

SS: What is your plan?

DM: It's none of your business!

SS: I can assist you--

DM: I've got all the assistance I need! I'm not alone!

SS: You were alone tonight, which was foolish of you. You should have backup or something.

DM: I would have Crabbe and Goyle if you didn't keep putting them in detention!

SS: Keep your d*** voice down! If they plan on passing Defense Against the Dark Arts--

DM: What does it matter? It's not like we need protection from the Dark Arts!

SS: It is an act crucial to success, Malfoy! Where do you think I would be if I did not know how to act? You need better people than Crabbe and Goyle--

DM: I've got other people on my side, better people!

SS: Then why not confide in me, I can--

DM: I know what you're up to! You want to steal my glory!

SS: You're talking like a child--

DM: (leaves)

(close-up on Harry, who is picking his nose again)

[Scene 13: Harry Christmas]

Int. The Burrow

RW: So Snape tried to help Malfoy?

HP: For the 790^th time, yes!

RW: Just checking.

HP: He said he promised Malfoy's momma he'd made the Unbreakable Oath or something--

RW: The Unbreakable Vow? Nah... he can't have... are you sure?

HP: Yes, I'm sure. What does it mean?

RW: Well the Unbreakable Vow is unbreakable, so you can't break it because it's unbreakable.

HP: Really? What happens when you break the Unbreakable Vow?

RW: You get lots of cookies, what do you think? You die if you break the Unbreakable Vow. Fred tried to get me into one, but my dad kicked his but so hard that his buttocks fell off.

HP: Tell me more about Fred's buttocks--

FW: Beg your pardon?

GW: Hey, Ron, Ginny told us that you have a girlfriend--

FW:--a Lavender Brown, I believe?

RW: Mind your own business.

GW: Ooh, what a snappy retort!

FW: We really don't know how you think of them!

GW: Really, how did you of all people charm a girl?

FW: Did she have an accident or something?

GW: How could the doctors release her from the hospital with that kind of brain damage?

RW: DIE, YOU MOTHER--

MW: Ronald Weasley! Bad boy!

FW: Well, come on George!

GW: Ah, yes, let's go!

RW: Can you cast a spell on these sprouts so we can go too?

HP: Yeah, I gotta go potty!

FW: Really, Ron, if you wanted us to help you--

GW: --shouldn't have called us mother... yeah... (leaves)

RW: So are you going to tell Dumbledore about Snape and Malfoy's conversation?

HP: No... I'll probably forget by then. What did they say?

RW: Never mind.

Int. Burrow Living Room

(old Christmas songs playing on radio w/MW singing to them)

MW: Oh, we danced to this when we were eighteen, remember Arthur?

AW: No, it was too long ago. Sorry about this, Harry. It'll be over soon.

HP: Good. How are things at the Ministry?

AW: It's the exact opposite of Paris Hilton.

HP: Busy with lots of work?

AW: Exactly.

HP: Dude, I gotta tell you something... (fades out to the noise of the music)

AW: Hmm... do you think Snape might have been pretending to offer Malfoy his help so he could find out what his plan is and tell us good guys?

HP: How would we know?

AW: It's not our business to know. It's Dumbledore's.

FW: (music ends) YES! It's over! Time for some real music! (plays "Roses")

AW: Who wants some eggnog?

HP: Have you ever heard of someone called the Half-Witted Prince?

AW: What-whatted what?

HP: Half-Witted Prince.

AW: There aren't any wizard princes. Is that your new name? "The Half-Witted Prince?"

HP: No, no, no, no. He's someone who went to Hogwarts. I have his old Potions book. He wrote spells and stuff all over it. One of them makes people's toenails grow out of their shoes.

AW: Ha, ha, ha! I loved that spell!

HP: But you don't know who invented it?

AW: Absolutely not.

MW: Time for bed, children!

Int. Ron's Room

C: The next day...

RW: She's got to be joking.

HP: What's up?

RW: She can't honestly think I'd wear this. Look! (shows Harry a very crappy necklace) It's from Lavender.

HP: (laughs loudly)

RW: If you tell anyone, I... I'll... I'll--

HP: Stutter at me? Oh, I'm telling everyone.

RW: So is Hermione really going out with Napoleon Dynamite?

HP: I don't know. They were at the Moldieshorts Christmas Party but he tried to rape her or something...

RW: So it's not going well?

HP: It might be... YAY! SANTA BROUGHT US PRESENTS!!!

Int. Weasley Dining Room

RW: Pass the chicken!

FW: Pass the gravy!

GW: Pass the tripe!

RW: PASS THE BLACK PUDDING!

FW: Pass the liver!

GW: Pass the goat bladder!

HP: Geez, when was the last time you guys ate?

RW: Six minutes ago.

AW: Hey, look! The Minister of Magic is here!

All: HUH???

RS: Hello. I'm Rufus Scrimmage, Minister of Magic. May I have a word with Mr. Potter?

Ext. The Burrow

RS(v.o.): I've been wanting to meet you for a very long time.

RS: Did you know that?

HP: No.

RS: Oh, yes, for a very long time. But Dumbledore has been very protective of you. Natural, of course, natural, after all you've been through... especially after what happened at the Ministry...

HP: (stares)

RS: The rumors that have flown around! Well, of course, we both know how these stories get started. All these whispers of you being The Chosen One--

HP: What do you want?

RS: Um... well, people do believe you are the Chosen One. They think you're quite the hero, Chosen One or not, it doesn't matter. The point is, you are a symbol of hope for many, Harry.

HP: To whom, exactly?

RS: The idea that there is someone that is destined to defeat Lord Voldy-guy... naturally, gives people a lift. And I can't help but feel that, once you realize this, you might consider it, well, almost a duty--

HP: (snorts)

RS: --to stand alongside the Ministry and give everyone a boost.

HP: I don't understand what you want me to do, Minister. 'Stand by the Ministry'?

RS: Well, um... if you were to be seen popping in and out of the Ministry, it might give people the right impression. Also, I have a friend in the police force that might be able to get you the job very easily...

HP: So, you want to give the impression that I'm working for the Ministry? But, if I keep running in and out of the Ministry, won't that also give the impression that I like how the Ministry is doing?

RS: Of course.

HP: But I don't. Locking up people who shouldn't be locked up; tearing down that wand shop in Diagon Alley for a Wall-Mart; electing George W. Bush as your Vice President...

RS: These are difficult times... you don't understand... you're only sixteen--

HP: Dumbledore's 4,345½ and he also thinks the government sucks.

RS: So your prefer, like Dumbledore, to disassociate yourself from the Ministry?

HP: I don't want to be used.

RS: Some might say it is your duty--

HP: (snorts)

RS: --to be used by the Ministry!

HP: Ha! You're just that sort of stupid monkey guy who throws the wrong people in jail and tries to pretend he's got the Chosen One on his side!

RS: So you're not the Chosen One?

HP: I thought you said it doesn't matter.

RS: I shouldn't have. It was tactless--

HP: No, I was honest. One of the most honest things you've said to me. You don't care whether I live or die, you just want people to think we're winning the war on terrorism!

RS: War against Voldemort--

HP: Shut up! You know, I haven't forgotten, Minister... (shows RS back of hand with writing on it; fade to white)

Umbridge: All you do is tell lies, like saying the Dark Lord is back! Here, take this knife.

HP: What do I do with it?

Umbridge: Carve the following into your hand, "I am a dirty, rotten boy who tells too many lies and should be put in jail for the rest of my life or until I poop myself, and from there I will be burned at the stake--"

HP: There isn't enough room on my hand for that!

Umbridge: Oh... how about, "I must not tell lies!"

HP: Ouchies! That hurts!

(fade from white)

HP: I don't remember you rushing to my defense when I was trying to tell everyone Voldemort was back. The Ministry wasn't so needy to be friends.

RS: (pauses) Where has Dumbledore been when he is absent from Hogwarts?

HP: No idea.

RS: And you wouldn't tell me if you knew, would you?

HP: What do you think?

RS: Well, he seems to have done a good job on you. Dumbledore's man through and through, aren't you, Potter?

HP: Yes, I am. Glad we straightened that out.

[Scene 14: Moldy Brain]

Ext. Hogwarts

HP(v.o.): I have got so much to tell you.

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HG: Tell away.

HP: Rufus Scrimmage came--

RW: LAVENDER! COME HERE AND MAKE OUT WITH ME!!!

HG: There's a table over here, c'mon.

HP: So how was your Christmas?

HG: Oh, okay. Nothing special. How was it at that son-of-an-Umbridge Ron's house?

HP: I'll tell you in a minute. Can't you and Ron make up please?

HG: Harry, I'm sober and have been since January second.

HP: That was yesterday.

HG: Doesn't matter. The point is, I'm not drunk enough to make-up with Ron and that's final. What was that important news you wanted to tell me?

Ext. Hogwarts (camera goes around school)

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HG: Don't you think--

HP: --he was pretending to help Malfoy so he could trick Malfoy into telling the good guys his plan?

HG: Uh... yeah.

HP: Ron's dad thinks so. But this definitely proves Malfoy's planning something, you can't deny that.

HG: No, I can't. Do you have any Rum?

HP: And he's acting on Voldemort's order's, just like I said!

HG: Harry, did either of them mention Voldemort by name?

HP: ... f you, Hermione! F you!

Int. Hogwarts Cafeteria

RW: Hey, Harry! Look! A letter!

HP: Hey, you're right! (shows a paper with the letter B)

RW: And here's a note!

HP: Aha! (shows a paper with a b-sharp)

RW: And here's a message!

HP: It's pronounced "massage" dude. (shows Mrs. Weasley giving Mr. Weasley a massage)

RW: And here's a sign! (shows a picture of crop circles)

HP: Okay these puns are getting ridiculous! Look at the text on this piece of paper! It says: "All students who are 17 years old or will be bye September 1^st are eligible for Appearing lessons! It only costs 50 bucks! Sign below!" Hey, there's also some fine print! "The 50 dollars does not include the cost of insurance!"

(many students back away from poster)

Ext. Hogwarts (camera goes around school)

AB(v.o.): I understand that the Minister of Magic spoke with you over the holidays.

Int. Dumbledore's Office

HP: Yeah, he's not very happy with me.

AB: Who cares? Everybody hates politics anyway, except the gays.

HP: But Bush won't let them get married!

AB: That's only to stop himself, everyone knows that!

HP: Whatever. Um... Professor? I have something to tell you. It's about Malfoy and Snape.

Ext. Dumbledore's Office

Int. Dumbledore's Office

AB: Thank you for telling me this, Harry, but I don't think it's that important.

HP: Sir, did you not understand?

AB: I understood completely. Now, we must press on to our lesson. This is a very short memory, and we'll be back before you know it. Come. (fade to white)

Int. Lord Moldieshorts's Office

MS: La, la, la! I am a loud teacher! Yell, yell, yell! YELL, YELL, YELL!!! YELL!!!

V: Hello, Lord Moldieshorts! How are you?

MS: I'm... um... groovy! Yeah, I'm one cool cat, daddyo!

V: Is it true that Professor Gandalf is retiring?

MS: If I knew, I couldn't tell you, daddyo! You are very knowledgeable, son!

V: Why, thank you, sir.

(room fills with mist)

HP: What the...

MS(v.o.): You'll go wrong, boy! You'll go wrong! I hate you, Riddle!

(mist disappears)

V: Sir, I wanted to ask you something.

MS: What?

V: What do you know about Horcruxes?

(mist appears)

MS(v.o.): I know nothing about Horcruxes and I wouldn't tell you if I did! Now get out of here!

Int. Dumbledore's Office

(fade from white)

HP: That's it? That's the memory?

AB: Yes, it is. The problem is, the good Lord edited the memory so none of the stuff that made Tommy Riddle a bad boy was there for me to see.

HP: Dork.

AB: So, Harry, I am giving you homework. You must get that memory from Lord Moldieshorts before it's too late.

HP: I'll try, sir. Can I get a burrito first?

AB: Actually, I'm kinda in the mood for a Big Mac.

HP: Okay, I'll come.

[Scene 15: Surprise!]

Int. Hogwarts Cafeteria

HG: Horcruxes... hmm... never heard of them before.

HP: You haven't? Pooper de clucking dooper!!!!

HG: Maybe you should stay behind after class.

HP: Yeah, Ron suggested--

HG: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT RON???

HP: Uh... okay....

Int. The Dungeons

MS: Who can tell me Golpalott's Third Law?

HG: (quickly) "The-antidote-for-a-blended-poison-will-be-equal-to-more-than-the-sum-of-the-antidotes-for-each-of-the-separate-components!"

MS: Yeah, you said it word for word from the book. Dork. Alright, now, we're making a potion that can save people from dieing from poison. Ready? Set? Don't go yet, I gotta pee! (leaves) (comes back 3 minutes later) GO!!!

HG: The Half-Witted Prince can't help you now, sucka! There are no shortcuts to this potion!

HP: Poop, you're right. I'm going to fail. Wait, what's this? "Just shove a bezoar down their throat." Hmm... I think I remember this from my first lesson of Potions!!! (fade to white)

SS: Kid, shut the f*** up and get to work.

HP: Wait!!! I must know something else!!!

SS: Like what? "What is a bezoar?" Well, a bezoar is a hard mass of material such as fruit or hair found in the intestines of a ruminant animal and is an antidote to poison.

HP: No, actually I was wondering if you have a mop because I just spilled potion all over the floor.

(fade from white)

HP: Well, I've got nothing but everything to loose. (leaves, comes back with stone)

MS: Okay, time is up! Let's see what you have! RON! Your potion sucks! HERMIONE! Your potion is pretty good, except your supposed to use goat milk, not breast milk.

HG: What?

MS: HARRY! What do you have? I say, your cauldron is empty! What's this? You only have a rock in your hand? Why, it's a bezoar! It can save people from poison! Of course! YOU WIN, MUTHA F****!!!

HG: I hope you like sleeping next to Satan, Harry.

HP: But I don't.

(bell rings)

MS: Well, goodbye everyone!

HP: (stays put and watches everyone else leave the room)

MS: Harry, you're going to be late for your next class!

HP: Sir, I wanted to ask you something.

MS: Okay, shoot!

HP: (shoots a gun off) I was wondering what you know about Horcruxes.

MS: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

HP: I was wondering what you know about Horcruxes.

MS: Dumbledore put you up to this, didn't he? He showed you that memory, didn't he? Well? Didn't he?

HP: Yes, sir, I saw the memory.

MS: Well then, you should know that I know nothing about Horcruxes!

HP: I thought there might be more--

MS: Well there isn't! You're wrong! Wrong! WRONG! WRONG!!! (leaves)

HP: I thought I was right! WEE-OO!!!

Int. Hogwarts Hallway

HG: So, these Appearing lessons should be pretty cool. I'm not just saying that because... well, I'm not just saying that.

HP: Let's go! (runs off)

Ext. Hogwarts Grounds

Prof. McGonagall: Hello, and welcome to your lesson! Pick an area where you would like to be!

HP: This is my chance to stand by Malfoy and overhear him!

HG: Harry! Where are you going! I can't do this Appearing thing by myself! I'm drunk!!! HELP!!!!

DM: I don't know how much longer, alright? It's taking longer than I thought it would. Besides, it's none of your business! You're only supposed to be my lookouts!

HP: Usually, I tell my friends what I'm doing if I want them to be my lookouts!

SS: Each of shall draw a circle with the chalk in front of you and then Appear in it. Ready? Set? GO!

HP: (spins around and falls over)

RW: HOLY SHTICK!!!! (arm is off his body, bleeding on the floor)

HP: Eww!!!

RW: HELP ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE! THAT'S THE ARM I USE TO MAKE OUT WITH THINGS!!!

SS: Hold still, stupid! (casts spell) Nobody do that or I'll keep it off! Now, practice harder!!!

(reel of Harry trying but falling over)

Int. Boy's Dorm

RW: Will you please tell me what's going on?

HP: Malfoy and his cronies are doing something bad! He's using them as his lookout for something! Aha! Here's the map! I solemnly swear that this map will help me find Malfoy! Help me find Malfoy, Ron.

RW: ...there! There's Malfoy! In the Slytherin Common Room!

HP: I'm going to have to keep an eye on him. If he goes off somewhere without Crabbe and Goyle, I'll go follow him in my Invisible Cloak!

RW: You do that.

Ext. Hogwarts (camera goes around school)

Int. Hogwarts

RW: What? They cancelled the Hogsmeade trip? Poop! Today's my birthday!

HP: Oh... uh... hang on... I have your present in here somewhere... here you go!

RW: Gee, thanks Harry! I love you!

HP: No you don't.

RW: No I don't. Hey! Someone delivered some drugs!

HP: (looking at map) Oh, okay. I'll be right back. I have to go potty. (leaves)

Int. Bathroom

HP: Pooper dedooper! When is Malfoy going to do something wrong? Well, I better get back to Ron.

Int. Boy's Dorm

HP: (walks in) (coughs) Ron, geez, you shouldn't smoke the whole pack!

RW: (coughs) Let's (coughs) go to (coughs) breakfast!

HP: OK, hang on... (farts) alright, let's go.

RW: I'm not hungry.

HP: What? You just told me "Let's cough cough go to cough breakfast!"

RW: I can't take it, Harry! I don't think she even notices me!

HP: What are you talking about? She makes-out with you every ten minutes!

RW: What? Bertha Vane?

HP: Huh? That girl who poisoned all those drugs and pudding cups that she gave me-- hey... wait a second! She poisoned those smokes too! Here, take this bezoar! (shoves down Ron's throat)

RW: Ack! It's choking me! (passes out)

HP: Oops.

[Scene 16: Flippin' Sweet]

Int. Boy's Dorm

RW: Well, all in all, that wasn't quite the best birthday I ever had.

HP: Doesn't look like you'll be able to play the next golf game.

RW: When's that?

HP: In about 3 minutes.

RW: Oh, shoes! Did you get me a replacement?

HP: Yeah, Napoleon Dynamite. I deeply regret it because he's really annoying, but he's also really good at golf.

RW: Well, you better go. Good luck.

HP: Thanks... oh, and Ron? Could you stop pretending to be asleep when Lavender comes to visit?

Ext. Hogwarts Golf Course

ND: (makes horrible shot) Gosh! Idiot!

HP: I thought you said that you're amazing at golf!

ND: I am when I have my Flippin' liger! They wouldn't let me take him to school, gosh!

HP: It's okay. Some guy named ELMER MCELMERSON is on the other team and he sucks as well.

ELMER: (makes a horrible shot) AHH! Where's rupERT when you need him?

ND: Okay, here's my shot... (hits Harry with club in backswing)

Int. Boy's Dorm

HP: (wakes up) AHH! I hate that effing retard, Dynamite.

RW: You guys lost! Dynamite got 180 strokes and MCELMERSON got 18.

HP: Wait... that means Dynamite exceeded his shot limit every hole and MCELMERSON got a hole-in-one every hole.

RW: Si, senior!

HP: Uh... I'm going to kill him. And all I wanted to do today is follow Malfoy around.

RW: No, Harry! He'd find out sooner or later and then kill you!

HP: You're right! But there has to be some kind of way to have someone follow him around!

(phone rings)

HP: (answers phone) Um... hello?

MS: Why, hello, Harry! So, I'm sending you your prize from winning the poison thing. It's a house elf! He's really good for cleaning things and following people around! Bye, now!

D: (appears) Harry Potter, sir! Dobby is grateful to finally belong to you! Dobby loves you!

HP: Uh... cool. Say, Dobby, can you follow Draco Malfoy around for me and tell me when he does something weird?

D: Dobby would love to, Harry Potter, sir!

HP: Good. Now go, before I make sure the director cuts you out of this movie for being more annoying than Jar-Jar Binks!

D: Dobby says goodbye, sir! (disappears)

HP: Well, that's taken care of.

[Scene 17: The Room Nobody Knows About]

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HP: C'mon, Mr. Prince, please have something in here that will help me persuade Moldieshorts to give me that memory!

HG: You won't find anything in there, Harry!

HP: You know, if it wasn't for the Prince, Ron wouldn't be alive.

HG: He would if you just listened to Snape in our first year.

HP: Hmm... "Sectumsempra"... "for enemies."

RW: Hey, how do you spell "noodles?" I'm pretty sure it's not spelled, "N-S-O-D-F."

HG: It's not. And your name isn't spelled "Boogers Magee."

RW: Hmm... Fred and George's Spell-Fix Quill must be wearing out.

HG: You should use Chicken Vila's Spelling and Grammar Fixing Quill. I've had it for 8 months and it never wore out. Burn!

RW: I'm going to have to fix the whole beaver-dam paper!

HG: Don't worry, I can fix it.

RW: I love you, Hermione.

HG: Don't let Lavender hear you say that.

RW: Maybe I will, and then she'll ditch me.

HP: Why don't you just ditch her yourself?

RW: No.

HP: Fine.

RW: Well, Harry, it's not that easy. I have to go up to her and say "Let's brake up." unlike you and Cho Chang. You guys kinda fell apart. (fade to white)

Cho Chang(off screen): Honey, does this dress make me look fat?

HP: You betcha, babe.

(fade from white)

HP: Yep. Good times. Good times.

D: (appears) Dobby has come to tell Harry Potter about Malfoy!

HP: He has? Cool, where is he?

D: Dobby is right here, Harry Potter sir. Dobby saw Draco Malfoy walk into the Room of Whatever-you-want-it-to-be, sir!

HP: No way!

D: Yes, Harry Potter sir, it is the truth! He goes there with a variety of students!

HP: Wow! Plus, the room isn't on the map! Snap! We've got Malfoy cornered! Thanks you, Dobby!

D: You are very welcome, Harry Potter, sir. (disappears)

HG: What's Dobby mean by "a variety of students?"

HP: Hmm... I gotta think here.

RW: Queue the Jeopardy music!

SFX: Jeopardy Theme Song

HP: Wha... we've been so stupid!

RW: Duh... we have? Me didn't know dat!

HP: There's been a huge vat of Polyjuice Potion in Moldieshorts's office! Malfoy stole it and he's been making Crabbe and Goyle into... other people and making them stand guard! It hasn't been a variety of students, just Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle!

RW: Wait... a variety of students... like girls? Crabbe and Goyle could be transforming into girls? (laughs)

HG: Well, Harry, before you get too excited, remember- you still need to get the memory from Moldieshorts. Night.

HP: Night. Well, what do you think?

RW: I wish I could dance like a house-elf.

Int. Hogwarts Hallway

HP: Okay, the Room of Whatever-you-want-it-to-be should be somewhere near here... (whistles) here, room, room, room, room! Damp! That usually works!

Int. Snape's Classroom

SS: Late again, Potter. Four-thousand house points from Gryffindor.

HP: But that puts us at negative 4,000!

RW: You mean we didn't get a single house point all year long?

HP: Actually, Hermione got 567 in November but I lost all that, too.

Boy: Sir, I've been wondering what the difference is between an Inferus and a ghost.

SS: Oh, really? Let's ask Mr. Potter, he seems to know everything.

HP: Uh... um... uh... um... well, ghosts are transparent and Inferi can dance.

SS: A five-year-old... no! A two-year-- no!! A fertile egg resting in an ovary could've told me more than that! Burn!

HP: Damper! I just got burned by a teacher!

SS: An Inferus is a corpse that has been reanimated by a Dark wizard's spells. It is not alive, it is merely used as a puppet to do the wizard's bidding. And a ghost is the imprint of a departed soul left upon Earth. Duh!

RW: Oh, yeah, like we're all going to go around asking, 'Excuse me, are you an imprint of a departed soul left upon Earth?'

SS: Another 4,000 points from Gryffindor! Now get to work you brats!

HP: Sir, you never assigned us work!

SS: Another 4,000 points from Gryffindor!

HP: Crap!

HG: And that makes negative 16,000 for those who can't do basic math!

Int. Boy's Bathroom

RW: He's right, you know. Maybe I should take the extra practice lessons in Hogsmeade.

HP: Yeah, and if you still can't do it, postpone the test! Do it in the sum-- hey, this is the boy's bathroom!

MM: Harry-poo! Do you remember me? It's Myrtle! From the 2^nd year! (fade to white)

HP: (peeing) AHH! Oh, this feels good! I need some more water! The 82 gallons last night wasn't enough! Wait, I'm in Britain, so I wouldn't use gallons, I'd use... um... let me think... uh...(etc) oh, yeah, gallons.

MM: Hey, this is the girl's bathroom!

HP: I heard there was a monster in here, and I should kill him!

MM: Oh, he's over there. Call me sometime, sexy!

(fade from white)

MM: You never called me! And you probably scared away my boyfriend.

HP: HUH? Boyfriend? You? Snort.

MM: He's a passionate and sensitive boy who comes in here and cries with lungs off.

HP: A boy? Crying? What a dork.

RW: Who is this dorky boy you speak of?

MM: I'll never tell you! I'm taking his secret to the grave!

RW: But you're already dead!

MM: B... but... I... ah... uh... eff you, Potter!

Int. Hogwarts Hallway

HP: AHH! Stupid mother clucking door! (kicks wall) AHH! SHITAKE! Dazzling Cleopatra, that hurts!

RW: Harry! Harry! Guess what?

HP: What? Did you finally get to dance on the moon?

RW: No, but that's next! No, I actually Appeared! They set us up in the Wall-Mart across from the Home Depot--

HP: There's a Home Depot in Hogsmeade?

RW:-- and they told me to go from the Garden Section to the Video Games section but I ended up in the movies, but I was close!

HG: Ron, Movies is two feet from the Garden Section and 89½ feet from the Video Games section!

RW: At least I didn't end up in the Home Depot!

HG: (stutters) Shut up!

HP: (sings) Shut up, just shut up, shut up! Shut--

HG: Shut up!

[Scene 18: Getting Moldieshorts to Tell You His Secret for Dummies]

Int. Hogwarts

RW: AHH!

HG: Don't worry, it's not Lavender, it's-- oh, crap, it is. Hide!

RW: Oh, by the way, Harry, Hagrid told me to give you this.

HP: It's a letter!

RW: Is this another pun again?

HP: No, but I'm going to read it!

H(v.o.): Dear 'Arry, Aragog died last nigh'. You meh 'im, an' you know 'ow special 'e was. Ih would mean a lah to me if you'd nip dow' for the burial la'er tis evenin'. I'm plannin' on doin' ih round dusk. Dat was his favorite time o' day. I know you're not 'posed to be out dat late, but you can use da cloak. Wouldn' ask, bu' I can't face ih alone. (cries) Signed, 'Agrid.

HP: Wow, I didn't know letters could talk! Well, I guess I better go.

HG: Harry, you can't be thinking of going!

HP: Well, okay, I won't think of going. I'll just go.

HG: No, Harry. Oh, and you're going to be the only person in Potions today because everyone else is taking their tests. Try to get Moldieshorts to give you his memory!

HP: 57^th time must be the lucky one.

RW: Wait, Harry! That's it! Lucky! Use your Lucky Potion!

HG: Of course, you're right! Hey, wait, Ron's right about something? Odd...

HP: I donno, I was going to save it.

HG: What in the world could be more important than this?

HP: Uh... (fade to white)

Guy: Mr. Potter, Ms. Anderson would like to see you in her dressing room.

HP: Really? I'll be right there!

Guy: Oh, and Ms. Simpson will meet you there as well.

HP: Wait, isn't she married?

Guy: She divorced her husband for you, Harry.

HP: Wow, this is the luckiest day of my life. There's only one more thing I need...

Guy: Hey, I'm going to Subway, do you want something?

HP: Yes!

(fade from white)

HG: Harry? Hello?

HP: Wha? Oh, yeah, I'll uh... I'll try it if I can't get him to do it today.

HG: Okay. Bye, now.

Int. The Dungeons

MS: So, are you all too young to Appear?

DM & HP: (shake heads)

MS: Oh, well then, I want you all to brew me up something fun!

DM: What do you mean by that?

MS: Surprise me.

HP: Hmm... let's see... "The Potion to Rise the Devil From the Dead"... "The Brew That Has Fumes That Will Kill You"... Oh, here we go! "The super fun barney lovers potion!" Okay, what's in the ingredients? "Marihuana, cocaine, tobacco, heroin, lava lamp juice, and ramen noodles." Okay, I think Moldieshorts may have some of those...

C: Later...

MS: Oh, dear! Is this the super fun barney lovers potion? How excellently brewed! How about I have a taste...(tastes) (hue encircles entire spectrum) WEE!!! I'M HIGH!

SFX: Bell ringing

MS: Good-bye, you fairy gorillas!

HP: Sir, I've been meaning to ask you-- where'd he go?

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HG: Harry! Harry! I passed, Harry! Let's dance!

HP: Wee! (dances) What about you, Ron?

RW: I just failed. I left half of my eyebrow behind. Oh, well. (dances)

HG: How'd it go with Moldieshorts?

HP: Bad. (dances) Guess I better go get that potion. (gets potion) Well, here it goes... (drinks potion)

HG: Well?

HP: I feel lucky.

GW: Harry! You just got two owls from Pamela Anderson and Jessica Simpson!

HP: Okay, put them on my bed. Well, I'm gonna go to Hagrid's place. See ya!

HG: But Harry, you're supposed to be at Moldieshorts's office!

HP: I'M GOING TO HAGRID'S AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!

HG: Okay.

RW: See you, H-- oh crap. Uh... hi, Lavender! It's not what it looks like, I swear!

Ext. Hogwarts (night)

MS: I'm so pretty! Oh so pretty! I'm so pretty and witty and gay!

HP: Sup, dawg?

MS: What-- how did you get out of the castle?

HP: Filch died and didn't lock the door.

MS: I should report that man! Where are you going?

HP: Hagrid's house. His spider died.

MS: Pants! I'll come with you!

Int. Hagrid's Hut

H: 'Ello, 'Arry. C'mon in. I'm 'avin' a li'l par'y ta celebrate Aragog's life.

HP: Well, I just came to say--

H: I got cookies!

HP: Where?

MS: How strong is your beer?

C: 30 seconds later...

H & MS: (laugh heavily)

H: Look, i's 'Arry Po'er!

MS: Why yes! Parry Otter, the Chosen Boy who did Kung-Fu! (laughs)

H: Why did I fall off the playground? WHY!!! (cries)

MS: I have money in my hair! SEE?

H: Leh's sing da song 'bout Odo!

MS: Ode to Odo?

H: Yeah, tha's it!

MS & H: (singing) Odo, oh, Odo! Why do you go, oh, Odo? You hit a doe, oh, Odo! (laugh)

H: Terrible! You sing like a girl! (falls asleep)

MS: I THINK I SING BEAUTIFULLY!

HP: You do sing beautifully! But... uh... You'll never sing again if you don't give me that memory!

MS: Really? Well, I better give it to you! (gives Harry a glass bottle) Bye, now. (falls asleep)

HP: That was too easy. Why didn't I try getting him to sing before?

[Scene 19: Horcruxes]

Int. Dumbledore's Office

HP: Professor, I've got the memory!

AB: Harry, it's 4 in the morning!

HP: I've got the memory!

AB: You do? Sweet! Play it!

HP: Okay. (fade to white)

Int. Lord Moldieshorts's Office

MS: La, la, la! I am a loud teacher! Yell, yell, yell! YELL, YELL, YELL!!! YELL!!!

V: Hello, Lord Moldieshorts! How are you?

MS: I'm... um... groovy! Yeah, I'm one cool cat, daddyo!

V: Is it true that Professor Gandalf is retiring?

MS: If I knew, I couldn't tell you, daddyo! You are very knowledgeable, son!

V: Why, thank you, sir. Sir, I wanted to ask you something.

MS: What?

V: What do you know about Horcruxes?

MS: A project for a class, I presume?

V: Well, no, not quite--

MS: A Horcrux is an object in which a person has concealed part of their soul. They split their soul and hide part of it in this Horcrux. Then, even if a person's body is attacked or destroyed, he is not dead, for part of his soul remains undamaged. Few would want it, Tom. Death would be more preferable.

V: How do you split your soul?

MS: Well, you would encase the torn portion--

V: How?

MS: Do I look like a killer, boy? How should I know?

V: I'm sorry, sir. But, um... why would a wizard just make one Horcrux instead of, say, seven?

MS: Seven? Dazzling Cleopatra! Why would you want seven?

V: I don't know...

MS: Well, Tommy, don't tell anyone what I told you. It is a banned subject at Hogwarts.

V: Of course. I won't tell anyone. (giggles evilly)

(fade from white)

AB: Well, I'm sure you understand what happened.

HP: Voldemort made a Horcrux?

AB: A Horcrux. And some more. You see, 4 years ago, you handed me proof that Voldemort had split his own soul. His diary. (fade to white)

HP: Hey, look, a diary. You want it? (hands to Dumbledore)

(fade from white)

HP: How odd. I thought it was a girl's diary. Voldemort's such a dork.

AB: Yes, which is why the other six Horcruxes are probably dorky objects as well.

HP: He made seven?

AB: Yes. There are only five left, though. I destroyed both the diary and the other one, the ring that belonged to Gollum. They're gone. Bye, bye.

HP: So, is it our (snorts) duty to find Voldemort's Horcruxes?

AB: Yes, it is. We will go and destroy them as soon as they're found.

HP: Good idea. Well, bye.

[Scene 20: Ouchies]

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

RW: (dancing)

HG: (dancing)

HP: (dancing) Wait, why are we dancing?

RW: Because I broke up with Lavender! (cont. dancing)

HP: She's crying over there!

RW: Cool! (cont. dancing)

HG: Seems like a bad night for romance tonight. I broke up with Napoleon. My cat broke up with Hagrid's dog, and Ginny broke up with her boyfriend.

HP: Really? (gazes)

HG: Harry? Are you okay?

Int. Hallway

HP: You know, I'm thinking of taking a swig of Lucky Potion and try to see what Malfoy's up to in the Room.

HG: That'd be a waste of Potion.

HP: Why?

HG: I don't know, but I'm just saying, it'd be a waste of Potion.

RW: Wouldn't it be great to have a whole stock of that stuff? We could be lucky for the rest of our lives!

HP: Hmm... (fade to white)

HP: Hello, I'd like to buy your mansion, sir.

Guy: My mansion? The Playboy mansion? The Playboy Mansion?

HP: Uh... yeah.

Guy: Five-hundred Million Dollars.

HP: Excuse me... (drinks Lucky Potion) What was the price again?

Guy: It's free! Take it! And the magazine too!

HP: Can I have a pickle too?

Guy: One or 3 million?

HP: 3 million sounds good.

(fade from white)

Int. Hallway

HP: (yells) HOLY CRAP, DO I HAVE TO PEE! MY GOD, THE PEE IS COMING OUT! SOMEONE TAKE ME TO THE BATHROOM! OH GOD-- wait, it's right here. (walks in)

Int. Bathroom

DM: No one can help me... I can't do it... I can't... It won't work... and unless I do it soon... he says he'll kill me...

HP: What the funk?

DM: HOW DARE YOU? DIE-US-POTTER-US!

HP: Ha, ha, that isn't even a spell! (v.o) Levicorpus!

DM: (boobs appear on him) Grr... Cruc--

HP: Sectumsempra! Don't you guys remember? The spell from 3 scenes ago!

DM: (screams) My God! I have large wounds on my chest! (screams; faints)

HP: So that's what that spell does!

SS: What the f*** is going on here? Potter, what did you do to Malfoy?

HP: Well, I didn't kill him. I hope.

SS: Malfoy, you need to go to the Hospital. Put some Neosporin on that and it will heal faster than with just a band-aid.

DM: I... can't... walk! Scars... on... crotch!

SS: Do it, you sissy-boy! And you... Potter... what did you do that for?

HP: I didn't know that would happen, I swear!

SS: Bring me your books! All of them!

HP: Okay, fine! (leaves)

Int. Boy's Dorm

RW: (playing Grand Theft Auto III) Oh, dear! Those darn cops! DIE! YES! I KILLED SOMETHING! MUA, HA, HA! I AM LORD RONALDMORT! FEAR ME! FEAR ME! MUA, HA, HA!

HP: (enters) Ron, I need to borrow your Potions book!

RW: Why?

HP: Because!

RW: Alright, go ahead. Oh, crap! One of those Mafia dudes shot me in the --

Int. Bathroom

SS: Is this the book you bought from the Borders in Diagon Alley?

HP: Yes.

SS: Then why... is the name "Boogers Magee" on the inside cover?

HP: That's my nickname.

SS: Is it? Well, I'll know what to call you tomorrow in detention.

HP: But sir! We're playing golf tomorrow!

SS: Who gives a d***? I don't! MUA, HA, HA!

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HG: I told you so! This proves that I am, officially, always right!

HP: Will you shut up, Hermione? You're such a nerdy dork!

GW: Guys... where's Ron?

HG: He said something about world domination last time I saw him.

RW(off camera): YES! THAT WAS THE MILLIONTH PERSON I KILLED! I AM KING OF THIS CITY! MUA, HA, HA!

Int. Bathroom

SS: Well, it looks like you're done cleaning the toilet. You can go now. Oh, wait, let me show you what you'll have to deal with tomorrow! (starts eating a bean burrito) And I'll poop in a stall! (laughs)

HP: God, that's sick! Good thing I already had a bean burrito today! Sir, should I put the plunger on your desk?

SS: Yes, I'll just stay here and eat my burrito! (eats)

SFX: Fart.

HP(off camera): Oh, yeah! Ooh, that just slides right out! Oops, some got on his chair! (laughs) Is that his paycheck?

Int. Gryffindor Common Room

HP: (enters)

RW: Harry! We won the cup! We won the cup! Yay!

HP: No way! No way!

RW: Yes! Yes!

HP: I know what to do, Ron!

RW: Let me guess--

HP & RW: DANCE!!! (dance)

[Scene 21: Fallen Professor]

Ext. Hogwarts

RW: Stupid Harry! Now we can't have fun reading a book!

HP: Wee-oo! (cries) Well, hi there! (takes paper from person off camera) Dumbledore wants me to come to his office immediately!

RW: You don't think...

HP: What?

RW: The Horcrux?

HP: The what?

RW: Never mind.

Int. Hallway

Prof. Trelawney: I... am drunk out of my mind! I better hide my Vodka in here! (opens door to the Room off camera)

DM: (off camera) What the deuce? Flipendo!

PT: Ouchies! (falls back into camera)

HP: Holy falling bad professors!

Spider-Man: (rises into camera) get the Spider-Car ready, Eagle Boy!

HP: Sorry, Spidey, this sidekick thing just isn't going to work out. What happened, Professor?

PT: I was walking around, drunk as a noodle, why I (mumbles)...

HP: (nods) Uh-huh. Yeah.

PT: (continues mumbling)

HP: Who was in there?

PT: (mumbles "I don't know"; cont. mumbling)

HP: He WHAT?

Int. Dumbledore's Office

HP: Snape was the person who overheard the Prophecy?

AB: Oh, okay.

HP: He was the one who told Voldemort to kill my mommy and daddy?

AB: Yep.

HP: Good, I thought Trelawney was lying.

AB: Are you ready for our trip?

HP: Depends. What do I need to pack?

AB: All you need is protection.

HP: Gee, Dumbledore, where am I going to get condoms?

AB: Your wand, idiot!

HP: There's a spell for that?

AB: C'mon! (disappears)

HP: (disappears)

[Scene 22: Noodles]

Ext.

AB & HP: (Appear)

HP: Okay, where are we?

AB: We're where Voldemort's Horcrux is, duh!

HP: Don't make fun of me! Wee-oo!

AB: Now, we must cross a lake to get there!

HP: I don't know how to swim!

AB: Don't worry, we'll use this conveniently placed boat!

HP: Shouldn't we wear life-jackets or something?

AB: You wuss! Get up here!

Ext. Lake Horcrux

HP: (looks around, sees hand doing the Ron dance, double takes, sees hands rising from water) What the?

AB: That's and Inferi. They're just Zombies, accept they can dance. Watch! (claps)

(The Inferi dance to the Akuna Maratta)

HP: I wanna dance, too! (dances, falls off boat)

AB: HARRY! HA-- aw, forget him.

HP: (surfaces) You were just going to leave me?

AB: Well, yeah. I mean, it's not like you're important or anything.

HP: Excuse me? My name is in the title of the movie!

AB: Excuse me! I just farted!

Ext. Lake Horcrux

(HP & AB sail along)

Cameraman: (drops camera and reveals Lake Horcrux is a pool) Oh, s***! Can we do it again?

HP: No, keep going!

Ext. Lake Horcrux

(HP & AB disembark and get on shore)

HP: Okay, now what?

AB: We must find the Horcrux. (looks under lawn chairs)

HP: Hey, look! (camera pulls out to reveal a bowl of Ramen Noodles sitting on a table) Hmm... (picks up package) Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Ramen Noodles! Try them, Albus!

AB: Why do I gotta try them?

HP: Because I just ate.

AB: (eats noodles) Hmm... well, this is-- OH MY GOD! (rolls on the ground, choking)

HP: What? (eats noodles) They aren't-- HOLY CRAP! (gags)

AB: I'll... eat the rest... Harry! You... need your... strength!

HP: But you-- okay!

Ext. Lake Horcrux Shore

AB: PLEASE, GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

HP: There's just a little more!

AB: I feel so weak...

HP: What do they put in this stuff anyway? (reads package) "Glucentarryoxcide, Gluceeorocide, Ex-lax, Citrisorangealemoncide, Bee-emocide, orange juice." I don't see what could make you sick!

AB: Going... to... pass... out! (passes out)

HP: Dumbledore! NOOOO! Get up! Please get-- oh, he ate all the noodles. (walks off camera)

Ext. Lake Horcrux Shore

HP: (snort) Voldemort's Horcrux is a Spider-Man lunchbox? That is so like him. C'mon, Albus! Let's go!

Ext. Hogsmeade

HP & AB: (appear)

Madam Lady: Harry! Dumbledore! What happened?

HP: It's a long story. Well, actually, it's a short story, I just feel like telling it.

Madam Lady: But how-- oh my god!

HP: What-- oh dee-ah! (looks at sky)

(The Dark Mark hovers over Hogwarts)

HP: That cannot be good.

[Scene 23: War of the Worlds]

Ext. Hogsmeade

AB: We need transport-- brooms.

Madam Lady: I don't have brooms.

HP: But you own a pub called "The Three Broomsticks!"

Madam Lady: Oh, yeah! I have three!

AB: How about we just run there, Harry?

HP: Fine with me.

Ext. Hogwarts

AB: Put on your invisible cloak!

HP: I can't find it!

AB: Then just hide over there, I'll get to the bottom of-- AHH! Heartburn!

HP: Sir? Oh, crap! (runs off camera)

DM: Who else is here, Dumbledore?

AB: A question I must ask you. Are you working alone?

DM: Psh! You wish! Death Eaters are all over your school.

AB: I don't see them.

DM: That's because I went ahead. I have a job to do.

AB: Draco, Draco, I know you are not a killer.

DM: How do you know? You don't know what I'm capable of! You don't know what I've done!

AB: Indeed, I do. You almost murdered Katie Bell and Ronald Weasley, trying desperately to kill me instead. They were very feeble attempts, Draco.

DM: Shut up!

AB: Fine. I will. Go ahead and kill me. I am, after all, defenseless.

DM: (stares)

AB: I see. You are afraid to act until your accomplices arrive.

DM: I am not afraid! It's you who should be scared!

AB: As I have told your master himself, I am not afraid of death. So, while you wait for your buddies, tell me how you smuggled them in.

DM: Fine. (fade to white)

DM: (Places a Vanishing cabinet in the Room) (v.o.) I put a vanishing cabinet in the Room of Whatever-you-want-it-to-be and another in my house, so people an easily pass through them and into Hogwarts.

(fade from white)

AB: Ingenious. You had an ingenious plan. Sneaking Death Eaters right under my nose.

DM: Yeah, right under your nose! You didn't suspect me at all!

AB: As a matter of fact, I did. I had Professor Snape watch over you all year long.

DM: You stupid old man! Snape was watching me because he promised my mother to!

AB: Well, I must disagree on that. I trust Snape and have forever--

DM: He's a double agent, you retarded old fart!

AB: So, let's discuss your options.

DM: My options? I'm the one about to kill you!

AB: My dear boy, if you were going to kill me, you would have done so by now. So what are your options?

DM: I have none! If I don't kill you, Voldemort will kill me! He'll kill my whole family!

AB: Don't you see that there are people in this world that are not afraid of Voldemort? Myself and the Order of the Phoenix can offer you protection!

DM: I have no choice but to kill you!

AB: Come to the right side, Draco. We can help you.

DM: (sniffs)

SS: What's this, Malfoy? Do you not have the balls to kill a feeble old man on the ground?

DM: Sir--

SS: I'll show you how it's done--

AB: Severus... please...

SS: Good-bye, old man. Avada Kedavra!

AB: (dies)

[Scene 24: The Prince Runs Away]

Ext. Hogwarts

HP: No... god, no...

SS: Let's get out of here, quickly.

SFX: Franz Ferdinand, "This Fire"

HP: Petrificus Totalus!

SS: What was that?

DM: C'mon! (runs into school)

HP: Die!

DE: Dance, pretty! Dance!

GW: Ow! AHH!

HP: (punches DE)

DE2: Die, you god d*** woman!

Prof. McGonagall: (gets hit w/spell) Ow! Ow, god!

HP: (kicks DE2)

Neville: Hello? Is anyone there? I'm hurt! My leg is broken!

HP: Neville, did you see Snape and Malfoy run by?

Neville: Yeah, they went that way, but I'm-- Harry! Come back! Aw, man!

Ext. Hogwarts

HP: God, it looks like I chased them outside again! Oh, no! Their going into Hagrid's house!

DE3: Ha, ha, Potter!

HP: AHH! God, why did you pinch me? Avada Kedavra!

DE3: (dies)

HP: Stupefy!

SS: (gets hit by spell) Run, Malfoy!

HP: Cruc--

SS: No, Potter!

HP: Cruc--

SS: No Illegal Curses for you!

HP: Fight back, you coward!

SS: I'm a coward? You're father would only attack me when it was 4 on 1! What would you call him, I wonder?

HP: Stupefy-- AHH!!!

SS: No, you idiot! Potter is for the Dark Lord!

HP: Sectumsempr--

SS: Ha, ha!

HP(v.o.): Levi--

SS: No, Potter! How dare you use my own spells against me! Yes, I am the Half-Witted Prince! That is what your father called me in school, and I couldn't change my own nickname. Am I right, Boogers Magee? (laughs)

HP(v.o.): Levicorp--

SS: No! Expelliarmus!

HP: Kill me, then! Kill me, you coward!

SS: DON'T CALL ME A COWARD! (runs off)

HP: Uh... Hagrid! Are you okay?

H: Yeah, 'm fine! i's gonna take more'n tha' ta finish me off! Wha's wron'?

HP: Hagrid, Dumbledore is dead. Snape killed him.

H: Wha'?

HP: I saw it! I saw it happen!

H: Ya couldn' have!

HP: I did, it's the truth!

H: 'Arry, tha's no' possible! Say, wha's tha' crowd of people lookin' a'? Wha's tha' lyin' in da grass? Is tha' a body? Is tha'... no... 'Arry... tha's no'... no... (cries)

Ext. Hogwarts

(the school members look down at Dumbledore's dead body)

HP: (cries) What did he even do this for? (opens the Spider-Man Lunchbox) There's a letter!

R.A.B(v.o.) To the Dark Lord, I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more. R.A.B.

HP: Nothing. Dumbledore weakened himself for nothing. (cries)

[Scene 25: Burying the Old Guy]

Int. Hospital

HP: How did they get in? What happened?

RW: Well, I got bored so I start watching the Map and found out that Malfoy was heading off to the Room.

HG: And then, all these people appeared on the map and started killing various students. We still weren't suspecting.

GW: And then they broke in and tried to kill us and that's when you came.

HP: You guys are retarded. And now Dumbledore is dead.

RW: We're so sorry, Harry.

HP: Sorry won't bring Dumbledore back to life.

HG: But the spell that brings people back to life is pronounced Sor--

HP: Shut up, Hermione. I'm not in the mood to hear you make me feel stupid.

(fade)

SFX: Franz Ferdinand: "Auf Achse"

(various people morn over Dumbledore's grave)

HP: (approaches grave) I promise you I will destroy Voldemort. I'll have my revenge. Goodbye, Dumbledore.

RS: Hello, Harry. I'm sorry about your loss.

HP: (sarcastically) Right. I'm sure you are.

RS: Well, I heard that you were with Dumbledore the night he died. What exactly were you two doing?

HP: That's our business.

RS: Ah, Harry, such loyalty is admirable, of course. But Dumbledore is gone, Harry. He's gone.

HP: He'll only be gone when there is no one loyal to him.

RS: He can't return from the dead, Harry. He's not Gandalf.

HP: But the guy who played Gandalf--

RS: Harry, the request I made of you at Christmas--

HP: What request? Oh, yeah, I remember. What about it?

RS: I was wondering if you might have reconsidered.

HP: Did you release those people who didn't do anything?

RS: No.

HP: Stop building the Wall-Mart?

RS: No.

HP: Is Bush still your Vice President?

RS: (hesitates) Yes.

HP: Well, then, no.

RS: So, I see you're still--

HP:--Dumbledore's man, through and through. That's right.

RS: Curse you, Harry Potter.

RW: So, Harry, I know this may be a bad time, but would you consider going out with Ginny?

HP: What? No. She's not my type.

RW: But I kept hearing you mumbling, "I love my best-friend's sister" in your sleep ever since Christmas!

HP: I wasn't talking about Ginny! I love Crookshanks!

RW: Crookshanks? Hermione's cat?

HP: Yeah! Crookshanks is Hermione's sister! She used to be a supermodel until Voldemort turned her into a cat!

RW: I had no idea. So, go get her, Harry.

Crookshanks: He doesn't have to. I'm right here.

HP: (kisses Crookshanks) But I can't be with you. I can't be with anyone until Voldemort is dead.

Crookshanks: Whatever. (leaves)

RW: You'll get Voldemort someday, Harry. Then you can live a normal life.

HP: I'll never have a normal life. Not as long as I have this lightning-bolt scar!

RW: What scar?

HP: The one on my forehead!

RW: There's nothing there.

HP: Uh... well, I guess I can live a normal life after I kill Voldemort.

RW: Let's dance!

HP: I'm sorry, Ron. But I don't think I can dance ever again.

RW: What? (cries)

HP: I'm sorry for everyone. Except Voldemort. If it wasn't for him, I could do things. Goodbye, Hogwarts. Never shall I see you again.

[Scene 26: Sunday Morning/End Credits]

Int. Harry's Room

SFX: Maroon 5: "Sunday Morning"

HP: (cries)

Int. Ron's Room

RW: (dances)

(reel moving back and forth of Harry crying and Ron dancing. Eventually:)

HP: (grins, smiles, and laughs when he sees a picture of himself, Ron, and Hermione)

(Roll End Credits)

[fin]