Ask Snickers

As writers of this column, we would like to say that we are adding to Abigail's plot line. We have created our own column and characters to go along with it. The four main characters are Snickers, the main writer and to whom this column is dedicated (also goes by Bella); Snowy, my co-writer who also goes by Sirrah; Leo, who has no nickname because he is so uncool like that; and Lilac, who also goes by Tori. The four of us are challenging the Marauders, our Gryffindor counterparts. Who are we? We are the Racketeers.

Ask Snickers

Dear Snickers,

History of Magic was as boring as ever. Binns gave us a quiz on Goblin Rebellions. How do I find out how I did without getting caught?

Frantic Hufflepuff

Dear Frantic Hufflepuff,

Ask Sirrah or Leo. They always know their grades. Wait a minute, why are you writing here? This is a Ravenclaw column!

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

As Ravenclaw Quidditch captain, I need to know if you are trying out for keeper. Oh, and Sirius stole my sparkly things! How can I get them back?

Snowy

Dear Snowy,

Yes, Sirrah, I'm trying out for keeper. Get Leo's invisibility cloak and sneak up to his dormitory. Oh, and before you ask: NO! I don't know where your red socks are!

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Why do they never pay attention? Potter and Black keep passing notes in Charms. Why does everyone think they are so great? We are so much better and could beat them up any day!

Snowy

Dear Snowy,

They are guys, what do you expect? I know, they do that everyday. I don't know, but I wish I knew why everyone likes them. Yeah, we could beat them up! Fun, fun. Hey, what was that note that you got from Black?

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Do you have notes from D.A.D.A.? Snowy locked me in a closet (sobs).

Lilac

Dear Lilac,

Yeah, I have them. What's your point?

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

I want them soon. That and I WANT OUT!

Snowy

Dear Snow,

Yeah, I have them. What's your point?

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

I want them soon. That and I WANT OUT!

Snowy

Dear Lilac,

Why do you need them if you are locked in a closet? No, I'm not letting you out. Ask Snowy.

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

But she's the one that put me here in the first place! You are such a loser!

Lilac

Dear Snickers,

EW! Black asked me out! EW! I'm going to gag! Potter is better than Black, Lupin is better than Black! Why couldn't it have been Lupin? EWW! Plus, he took my red socks. So I took his green. But, EW!

Snowy

Dear Snowy,

I'm sorry.

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

A large white cat keeps coming into our dormitory at all hours of the night. She takes most of my shiny stuff and starts clawing at my bed. One time she pissed in my hair! What should I do?

Fifth Year Boy (Marauder)

Dear Stupid Boy,

Umm...How about taking a shower? Or not writing in our column?

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Do you know if Snowy will tutor me in Muggle Studies?

Leo

Dear Leo,

I don't know. How about ASKING HER? I swear, what a loser.... Oh, whoops, was that out loud?

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

I skipped Transfiguration. Who has the notes?

Padfoot

Dear Padfoot,

No one wants you here! Leave the Ravenclaws alone! Why not ask Moany or Moony or whatever his name is? Your own columnist?

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

I'm still locked in the closet. Can I get the notes from Care of Magical Creatures after I GET OUT?

Lilac

Dear Snowy,

Let the poor girl out already!

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Do I have to?

Snowy

Dear Snowy,

Umm, yeah.

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Does Sirrah need a partner for potions?

Moony

Dear Moony,

It is you and not Black signing your name right? Yep, she does.

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Snowy finally let me out. Can I have the notes now?

Lilac

Dear Lilac,

Umm, no.

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Will you go out with me?

Marauder Hating Slytherin

Dear Marauder Hating Slytherin,

Sure, why not? Oh, and stop writing in our column.

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

You do realize that was Snape, right? Are you NUTS? Why are you going out with Severus Snape? I thought I knew you better than that! Leo is going to kick your ass!

Snowy

Dear Snowy,

What's your point? By the way, Leo is a wimp, he can't kick Pettigrew's ass, no offense to Lilac of course.

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

I think I'm in love with a wall. It is on the fifth floor corridor and it is covered in blue and purple puppies. While looking through your underwear drawer *cough, cough* I found a picture of me humping the wall. What should I do?

Boy with a Wall Problem

Dear Leo,

Get over it! And by the way, did know I'm going out with your cousin? And how much are you willing to pay for that picture?

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Five galleons. Hand it over! And you had better not come anywhere near me with him around you.

Leo

Dear Leo,

Why? What will you do to me if I do?

Snickers

Dear Snape,

I'm madly in love with you.

Girl You Don't Know

Dear Girl No One Knows,

Do you mean Leo? If you are looking for Severus, you are in the wrong column. That and HE'S TAKEN!

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Yes I do mean Severus. I'll kick your ass for him!

Girl

Dear Girl,

Please tell me you are joking. He's mine!

Snickers

Dear Snickerdoodles,

Yesterday was the full moon. I saw a werewolf, a deer, a dog, and a rat exiting the castle late last night. What, or whom, did they come from?

Your Confused Boyfriend

Dear Sevy,

I haven't the faintest idea. *Smiles innocently*

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

My wall problem has gone away because I take to humping you, Sirrah, and Tori at night. It's amazing what I can do to sleeping women.

Boy Who Got Over His Wall Problem

Dear Leo,

EWWW! I go out with your cousin! If you go near us thinking that again there will be hell to pay!

Snickers and Snowy

Dear Snickers

I have a date tonight. Can I borrow your earrings?

Snowy

PS I f you won't, oh well because I am and I'll be gone by the time you read this.

Dear Snowy,

I don't care. Just don't bend them.

Snickers

Dear Snickers

Will you go out with me?

NOT a Marauder

Dear Padfoot,

Stay away from my girlfriend!

Severus

Dear Sexy, I mean Sevy,

We need to keep our tendencies quiet okay? No more writing in the Ravenclaw column. Now let's go make out in the broom cupboard.

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Why in HELL are you going out with Severus?

Angry Ravenclaw Girl

Dear Tori,

Just because you like his cousin doesn't mean you get to rag on him!

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

By the way, can you lend me your Transfiguration notes from yesterday? Snowy locked me in that stupid closet again. I promise I'll lay off your boyfriend.

Tori

Dear Tori,

No, ask Snowy. I got sick during that class yesterday....

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

I'M STILL IN THE CLOSET!!!

Tori

Dear Snowy,

LET HER OUT!

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

The Marauders are fighting! I went out on that date with Remus and Sirius showed up. They started fighting and when it ended Remus grabbed my hand and walked me back. Can we let Remus join the Racketeers?

Snowy

Dear Snowy,

They did? YAY! And I realize how much you like him but no, he was still a Marauder.

Snickers

Dear Snickers,

Please? I love him!

Snowy

Dear Snowy,

You don't love him. You just think you do. No love till sex. Or is it the other way around? Oh, well.

Snickers