Flower Potter and the Stone of Hot Ice

Chapter 09 It's a Small, Sad, World



Flower decided that Focker was Public Enemy #1. Every chance she got, she rubbed it in Flower's face how Flower never got any packages from home, while she always got sweets and things from "mummy and daddy."

Flower was totally unaffected by this, so Focker decided to go around spreading rumors about how she was raised by Muggles and is practically almost a... Mudblood.

The minute she said that, however, Frieda, Georgia, Haruko, Tom, and about 100 other Slytherins stood up at the Breakfast table obviously full of rage. Flower herself had no idea what a Mudblood was, but decided it was very, very bad.

"No one," Georgia and Frieda spit angrily, "calls a Slytherin, a Mudblood. Especially," they continued, "not a Huff 'n Puff, like yourself!"

Haruko impaled her right fist into her left open hand, and ground it and cocked her head with furrowed eyebrows. Tom had a heavy book under his right arm, and his wand in his left, and if he knew it, he'd've casted Avada Kedavra on the spot.

"Rule number one of fanfic that I'm in," Tom said icily, "is that I'm the only one allowed be called a Mudblood, and it has to be by other Slytherin's, because I'm a half-blood. The second rule is, after someone calls me a Mudblood, I proceed to kick there ass so hard they don't realize what hit them until a year later."

A fight broke out between Haruko, Tom, the Twins, Focker and Flower and a few other Slytherins Flower didn't know. Fuuji, Raiji, Penzer Parkins, and a bunch of other Hufflepuff's got up immediately and joined in.

Professor von Wolfenstein thought it was a Rammstein moshpit since only at Rammstein concerts could the crowds get this wild, and joined in. Dumbledore tried to break it up, but it was quite unsuccessful. Professor Carroll leaped in with her butcher knife. Even Ruby came in. She had on 2 inch pumps, and nut-kicked any and all guys. Except Tom.

Haruko was doing tons of punching, especially to the people who looked up her skirt to see if there was anything up there. Tom eventually gave up on fist fighting ("You're too scrawny," mentioned Professor von Wolfenstein) and he stood on the Slytherin table and casted Hexes and Curses into the crowd. Flower herself did tons of kicking.

"I'M SALLY O' MALLEY AND I'M FIFTAY-YEARS-OLD! AND I LOVE TO KI-KI-KI-KICK!" she yelled into the crowd as she kicked.

Dippet suddenly screamed an incredibly loud "STOP!" and every promptly stopped. Tom looked innocently up at him, knowing he'd probably been officially cut from being Hogwarts's only 14-year-old Prefect and had lost any chance at being Head Boy.

"Mr. Riddle, did you just use the Rammstein Transfiguration slash Charm slash Hex slash Curse?" asked Dippet in utter amazement. von Wolfenstein looked up and looked at Tom, and bowed down to him like he was the Messiah.

Tom looked down at himself, and finally noticed that he had long hair, a black suit, a guitar, and that the entire fighting crowd was wearing Euro-German clothes from the Banana Republic and Kenneth Cole [REACTION] bowling shoes.

"J-j-ja? JA?!"

"WOW! 50 POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!" said Dippet cheerfully. "Absolutely superb! Tell me how you did it?"

Tom stared, and the replied, "Du hass mich?" Tom halted. He spoke German. He spoke German very well. "Wollt ihr das bett in flammen sehen? Ein, zwei, dwei, vier, funf, sechs, seiben, acht, neun, zehn? Der wille fur BLITZKRIEG?!? Fritz? Ich mokda einen bier bitte!!! TOCOTRONIC VERSUS CONSOLE FREIBURG VER-SI-UN DWEI IST UEBER KOOL! Wunderbar? Ja! Nein! NEIN! NEIN NEIN! IST UBER FANTASTISCH OOOOOKAAAY! YAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Rough/Literal Translation: You hate me? Will you see bedside's flaming sight? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10? The will for Blitz War? Fred? I want a beer please! Tocotronic versus Console Freiburg version 3.0 is super cool! Excellent! Yes! No! NO NO NO! It's SUPER FANTASTIC OOOOKAY! YEEAAAA!)

"That'll do, Tom," replied Dumbledore in the most compassionate and noble voice that Dumbledore could possibly give. "That'll do."

Later in the Common Room, after Tom cured himself of the Rammstein Transfiguration/Charm/Hex/Curse, he once more locked himself in his room. Flower and Haruko noticed something tacked to the wall, it was a flyer about first years Flying Lessons, which would be next Thursday, and furthermore, they were with Hufflepuff.

Oh fudge.

Focker Malfoy constantly told flying stories about how she'd use to fly around Muggle Europe on her broom and narrowly avoided Big Ben a few times and swooped under London Bridge. Haruko had even ridden a broom before around the village she lived up, and Sears Finfin told everyone she had also flown around a lot.

Orville Wright apparently never had because his Grandmother was scared he might kill himself or trigger a series of events that led to the End of the World as we Know It.

Naturally, everyone at the Slytherin table agreed.

Come Thursday, during Breakfast, Orville's grandmother sent him a gift: Lice-Remover Shampoo. He left it at home. Focker Malfoy went by and pocketed it teasingly, and Flower and Haruko immediately stood up while Tom ate a pile of pancakes ("Still 15 pounds underweight" he told them) doused in syrups.

Luckily, von Wolfenstein happened to be a big fan of Flower's meaning, he stalking watched her from the staff table. He got up and arrived at scene just as Focker was trying to go back to the Hufflepuff table.

"What's the problem?" he asked with a pair of Muggle headphones on and an MP3 player in his robe pocket. He was listening to "Playstation" by Eiffel 65.

"Focker stole my shampoo," wailed Orville.

von Wolfenstein immediately beckoned for Focker, who unwillingly handed it over. von Wolfenstein took a point from Hufflepuff. Haruko told him he should take more off, but he simply said it was fair enough. Then when Flower politely and cutely asked von Wolfenstein to take 15, he immediately perked up and took 15. Focker stared absolutely rigid, and steamed off back to the Hufflepuff table before Flower requested he took all the points off.

After Lunch, the Slytherin firsties and the Hufflepuff firsties went out to the area of their first flying lesson, which was out in the cleverly titled "Flying Area." Hoho.

The flying instructor was a Russian woman named.... MADAME PIOTROWSKA-! She was obviously big boned, and was rather large as well.

"WELCOME TO YOUR FIRST FLYING LESSON," she said in a flat monotone voice. "I AM A MADAME PIOTROWSKA."

"Hello Madame Piotrowska," they all replied back.

"WELL! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" she barked. "HOLD YOUR HAND OVER YOUR BROOM AND SAY UP!"

"Jebus woman!" yelled Haruko. "Stop speaking loudly!"

"Yea, really!" chipped in even many people, including Focker Malfoy.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN STOP SPEAKING LOUDLY?" asked Madame Piotrowska. "I'M SPEAKING NORMALLY."

"No, your done!" replied Flower. "Your speaking a loud monotone voice! Speak normally!"

"And put a little feeling to it," said the Slytherin boy, Laffendor Brownie.

"Get a boob job too," said Laffendor's friend, Parfait Parkay.

"OH MY GOD," roared Madame Piotrowska. "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE. I SUFFER FROM THE INABILITY TO MODULATE MY VOICE."

"Ok, that's great," said Focker carelessly. "Now could you at least lower your voice a little?"

"OH MY GOD," she repeated. "I JUST TOLD YOU I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION. IT HITS OVER 5 EUROPEAN PEOPLE A YEAR! WOULD YOU ASK A BLIND PERSON TO READ YOU SOMETHING OR ASK A DEAF PERSON IF THEY COULD LISTEN TO A MUSIC PIECE YOU JUST WROTE?"

"Well, no," replied some people in the class.

"RIGHT, SO SHUT UP AND GET YOUR ASSES ON YOUR BROOMS BEFORE I GET OUT A WOODEN CANE AND BEAT YOU ALL MINDLESS!"

The Slytherins and Hufflepuff's exchanged glances, and quickly put their hands over their brooms and yelled "UP!"

Flowers came up to her hand first, but hers was one of the few that did. Focker, Laffendor, Parfait, Annalisa, Penzer, and a couple other's all came up, but no one else's did.

Orville kept yelling "UP!" until finally, the broom rammed into his face, hitting his head and his nuts. Orville screamed, fell forward onto his broom, which promptly took off. He dropped his small bottle of shampoo in the process.

The entire class watched, and Madame Piotrowska yelled, "GET DOWN HERE BOY." Eventually, Orville collided with a statue, and fell flat on his back.

"EVERYONE STAY HERE," said Piotrowska. As she was dragging Orville to the Hospital Wing, she turned around, stopped, and turned her head menacingly over her shoulder. "I'LL BE BACK."

Everyone gulped, while Focker Malfoy picked up the bottle of shampoo, and smirked.

"I think I'll put this up in a tree where Wright can't get it!" she declared.

"Hey! Stop!" yelled Laffendor and Haruko.

"Aww, is the Weasel girl standing up for Orville?" asked Focker. "Never knew you'd have a crush on him. Oh wait, he was MONEY, doesn't he?"

Haruko began to lunge towards Focker, when Flower, Laffendor, and Sears held her back. Danielle kept telling her it wasn't worth it, but Haruko said something about "SLYTHERIN PRIDE HERE PEOPLE!"

Flower took actions into her own hands, and went up and smacked Focker. Focker looked taken back, and suddenly got on a broom, she left the ground and went to hide the shampoo in the statue of a Shinobi, but Flower immediately picked up a broom and flew after her.

Professor von Wolfenstein suddenly came out chasing a Koopa Trooper, and as she wrestled the little thing on the ground, Haruko suddenly realized the penalty at hand here, and dashed madly towards von Wolfenstein and distracted him from Flower and Focker, so did Parfait and Danielle.

Flower shakily followed Focker a little ways above the Astronomy Tower, and then, Focker tauntingly juggled the shampoo, a ball, and a banana. She threw the ball at Flower's head, ate the banana, through the peel down on the ground on top of Thetic's head, and then took notice to Professor von Wolfenstein. She smirked and threw the shampoo bottle towards him, then took off and landed like as if nothing had ever happened.

von Wolfenstein looked up just in time to see the shampoo bottle and Flower flying towards it. She nearly rammed into him and Haruko, grabbed the shampoo, then collided with the ground, flipped backwards a bunch of times, before the shampoo flew up, dropped onto her head, and spilled out.

"Oh damn," she cursed loudly.

Clutching the Koopa Trooper, von Wolfenstein made a B-line for Flower, with Haruko and Parfait begging him not to suspend her. von Wolfenstein didn't listen to him, but rather, motioned for Flower to come with him.

Flower made cute bunny eyes, but he still silently dragged her along in the halls. To satisfy your curiousity, she was still sudded.

He stopped outside the Muggle Entertainment classroom, and asked for Olivia Woodchuck. Flower stared curiously at him, and continued to when a pretty girl with silvery hair and blue eyes appeared. He drooled mindlessly like a school boy, then quickly put on a blindfold.

"For the last time I will not be your steady girlfriend," said Olivia.

"Uhm, it's not about that," said von Wolfenstein. "I've got you a Seeker for the Quidditch team."

Olivia's eyes widened, looked to Flower, and began investigating her.

"Hmm.... right build... small.... agile....... perfect!" she smiled. "You know what Quidditch is, right?"

"Wizard sport?"

"Yep!" Olivia smiled. "OK! We'll need to order her a good broomstick! I'd say a WD-40."

Wolfenstein clapped. "Good! I'll talk to Dippet about this! She was great on the broom!"

Olivia went back to her class, and Wolfenstein removed the blindfold, and blinked a few times.

"Uhm, what was that about?" asked Flower.

"Oh, Olivia's a Veela," replied von Wolfenstein. "They're really attractive women who have odd effects on men's minds. So uhm, whenever I'm around her, I kind of loose my mind and start saying stuff like lets have rabu rabu sex, and, you had me at hello... stuff like that."

"...... oh," replied Flower.

At Dinner, Focker, Fuuji and Raiji we're surprised to see Flower still there. Haruko and everyone else couldn't believe it either.

"NO WAY!" yelled Haruko startling the whole Slytherin table. "Your the new SEEKER?"

Flower smiled and nodded, while Tom suddenly sat down with a pile of papers and books, and some fast food ("10 pounds underweight" he said as he sat down). Frieda and Georgia suddenly saw Flower as they entered the Great Hall, and immediately shoved Annalisa and Thetic who were sitting aside Flower and Haruko.

"Congrats!" said Georgia.

"Olivia just told us!" said Frieda. "We're on the team too!"

"We be the Beaters!" they both cheered proudly.

Focker, Fuuji and Raiji made their way to the Slytherin table as Frieda and Georgia left, and stopped promptly in front of Flower and Haruko. The girls spun around and looked up at the obnoxious trio of Hufflepuff's.

"What?" asked Flower sharply.

"Enjoying your last meal?" asked Focker.

"Nope," replied Flower. "von Wolfenstein didn't even take a point off or give me a detention... right sir?"

von Wolfenstein was standing behind Focker, Fuuji and Raiji.

"Oh, uhm, hi sir..." stuttered Focker.

He smirked and went off listening to "Du Hast" by Rammstein on his MP3 player.

"OK then Potter," growled Focker, "how about a Wizards Duel tonight? In the trophy room! At 12! Or have you never heard of them?"

"Of COURSE she has!" yelled Haruko. "I'll be her second!"

"Fine, and Fuuji shall be mine," she replied. The three stalked off back to the Hufflepuff table.

"What's a wizards duel?" asked Flower.

"It's a battle between two wizards," said Haruko plainly.

"Well, yea," replied Flower.

"You just cast spells at each other, but neither of you are really advanced enough to actually hurt each other. Seconds are your back ups in case your die, but uh, you should be fine."

"Did you two just say you were going to be in a Wizards Duel?" asked Tom suddenly.

"Oh no," groaned Haruko, "he heard us."

"Hey, you shouldn't do that! It's really stupid of you! Not to mention, you probably both suck at duelling!"

The girls spat bitterly (Haruko erased a + on his talley, but added a + to von Wolfenstein's), and left for the Common Room.

Around 11:40 pm, Flower and Haruko snuck out out of the Common Room and out of Faustus's portrait hole. When suddenly, Tom sprang out after them.

"This is insane!" he snapped. "You can't actually go!"

"Whatever," they both replied.

Tom shook his head, and turned to go back into the Common Room, but Faustus was gone. He made a squeamish noise, and ran after the girls.

"Hey, wait for me! Faustus is gone!"

Haruko and Flower rolled there eyes as he quickly stalked after them. Suddenly, Orville came up to them.

"Alright! I've been standing outside for a long time because I forgot the password! Could you guys let me in?"

"It's Mein Gott, but Faustus isn't there right now."

Orville whimpered, and ended up following them. When they reached the Trophy Room, they sat down and waited for Focker. By 12:05, she hadn't shown up.

"You IDIOTS!" Tom suddenly roared. "She did this so you two would get suspended, and probably tipped off Filth!"

The minute he said that, Flower and Haruko looked at each other. The damned bastard was right.

Of course, neither girl would actually admit it.

Suddenly, Meester Borris entered the Trophy Room door. He purred, and they heard a voice yelling, "SOFT THY ANIMAL SIDEKICKETH! WE SHALLETH FINDETH THY STUDENT OUT OF BEDIETH!"

The four Slytherins stood up and looked at each other, "SECURO!" they yelled, and quickly ran through the other door in the Trophy Room and were launched into a cart, Flower and Haruko in front, Tom and Orville in back. The cart began moving automatically into a long dark tunnel. Eventually, they saw light up ahead, and began entering a pinkish purpley area. As they did, the seat braces flung down onto their thighs, locking them in tightly.

"IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL, IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!" began playing the background, and set up around them were little people who were mechanically dancing and smiling.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the four Slytherin's at the top of their lungs.

Orville was rocking himself back and fourth, Flower and Haruko were hugging onto each other crying and screaming, Tom was trying to get out of the cart.

After nearly five minutes of torture, they were thrown into a tapestry and landed on the other side. They were back on the 3rd Floor, shaking with fear.

"I-I-I-'d ch-ch-choose Se-se-secu-secur-securo o-over th-that an-any da-day," said Flower sounding very much like Professor Shrivel.

They heard a cackling voice, which they immediately recognized as Peeves. They ran into to the nearest room, but it was locked. Tom took out his wand, said "Alohomora" and the door opened.

"Alohomora?" the three others asked.

"Standard Book of Spells Grade 1 by Miranda Goshawk, Chapter 1, Rudimentary Every Day Magic, page 15," he replied promptly.

They entered the door, and shut Flower, Haruko and Tom shut it tight. Orville gave out a scream, and the three others turned around. They were standing in the 3rd Floor Forbidden corridor, and standing in it was a large overgrown hairless Chihuahua with big, brown eyes.

"Yo quiero Taco Bell!" it asked.

"Pesaroso," began Tom. "Nosotros poseer no Taco Bell harindas."

"Maldicion les a infierno les bastardo!" roared the dog. "Yo matar les ahora!"

"OH SHIT!" yelled Tom. "IT'S GOING TO KILL US BECAUSE WE HAVE NO TACO BELL!"

They quickly opened the door again and ran out, and kept going down and down into the main hall into the dungeons past von Wolfenstein's office (where he was quite notably reading up on how to do the Rammstein Curse/Charm/Hex/Thing on the Internet) back to Faustus's portrait hole which was now reoccupied by the man himself.

They yelled "MEIN GOTT!" as he came into view, and went into the common room, took a breather, and finally, once they had regained their will to talk:

"What the hell do they think they're doing?!" roared Haruko. "Keeping a psycho dog like that?!"

"I don't know..." replied Tom, "but didn't you see what it was standing over?"