Flower Potter and the Stone of Hot Ice

To be a Herbology Masta!

Flower awoke the next day, and got dressed in her new Hogwarts uniform. She and Haruko quickly left their dorm to the Great Hall, where a breakfast of Oatmeal, Rolls, Eggs, Bacon, Toast, Jam, Coffee, Corn Flakes, Grapefruit, Lemon Yogurt, Blueberry Goblets, and Texas Omelets were being served.

Dippet had an announcement to make, and stood up to make it.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! I'd like to announce that this year, the 3rd Floor Corridor is off bounds. Don't go in it if you wanna be eaten alive, use your heads kiddo's. Next off, we've had some odd scheduling this year, so, two days schedules will be the same, Astronomy at Midnight as usual, and the other two days' morning schedules with be the same, some might have Flying lessons and others might have a Free period in the afternoon, and there will also be a day on your schedule where you'll have a double block period where your forced to listen to some maniac drag on for four hours... hope we didn't put any of you in Binn's for four hours... sorry if we did. This schedule format applies to everyone except Mr. Riddle...." Dippet and Dumbledore stared at him.

"And, today, the new term starts, thus, the house points will start as well!" The students all applauded. "Remember, good karma equals more points, have a Murphy's Law day and you loose points! Now, let the schedules be passed out and may the games behind!"

The Defense Against Dark Arts teacher and head of Slytherin House, Professor Thames von Wolfenstein, was handing the Slytherin's their schedules for the year. Dumbledore, as Freida and Georgia later informed her, was head of Gryffindor House and Transfiguration teacher, Snoop was the head of Hufflepuff and the Herbology teacher, and the Charms teacher and head of Ravenclaw was a woman named Alice Carroll.

Flower stared at her schedule. It was typed in Courier New, Size 10, Boldface. She asked for Tom's to see what he had, and compared the two.

MONDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock Potions I 10 o'clock History of Magic I 12 o'clock Lunch 1 o'clock Defense Against Dark Arts I TUESDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock Transfiguration I 10 o'clock Charms I 12 o'clock Lunch 1 o'clock Magical Fine Arts I WEDNESDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock Potions I 10 o'clock History of Magic I 12 o'clock Lunch 1 o'clock Defense Against Dark Arts I Midnight Astronomy THURSDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock Transfiguration I 10 o'clock Charms I 12 o'clock Lunch Afternoon Free FRIDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock Herbology I 10 o'clock Herbology I 12 o'clock Lunch Afternoon Free MONDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock AP Transfiguration VII 10 o'clock AP Charms VII 12 o'clock Lunch 1 o'clock AP Ancient Runes V TUESDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock Transfiguration I Aide 10 o'clock AP Herbology IV 12 o'clock Lunch 1 o'clock AP History of Magic VII WEDNESDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock AP Potions VII 10 o'clock AP Kinetic Photology IV 12 o'clock Lunch 1 o'clock Defense Against Dark Arts VII THURSDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock AP Muggle Studies VII 10 o'clock Charms I Aide 12 o'clock Lunch 1 o'clock AP Magical Fine Arts VII FRIDAY TIME CLASS 8 o'clock AP Arithmancy V 10 o'clock Care of Magical Creatures IV 12 o'clock Lunch 1 o'clock AP Aurorism V Midnight Astronomy V

Flower stared at Tom.

"What's Kinetic Photology, Muggle Studies, Ancient Runes, Care for Magical Creatures, Arithmancy and Aurorism?"

"My electives!" he said cheerfully. "Kinetic Photology is wizarding photography, Muggle Studies is where we look at how the Muggle world works, Ancient Runes has all sorts of interesting runes, Care for Magical Creatures is a class where you learn about Wizard world creatures, Arithmancy is like fortune telling with numbers, and Aurorism is training for Auror's!"

"Right, well, why are you an aide, what's an AP class, and what's with these numbers?"

"The numbers are the course numbers," he replied, "each number corresponds with our year, and I'm a very advanced student who only needs to go to all of his classes once a week. And plus, being aide means I get to pick on you guys twice a week."

Haruko looked absolutely thrilled about that, and muttered a few cuss words.

On there way to classes, they soon learned that being at Hogwarts was like being trapped in Stanley Kubrick's Space Odyssey 2001. Only much, much worse.

"The walls..." Flower said twitchingly as they made there way down to the dungeons for Potions. "They talk to us..."

"And they lead us to the damn wrong places..." muttered Haruko. "And you stupid staircases ain't much better!" She kicked the one they were walking on, and in a Scooby Doo event of things, they fell through onto the lower level.

Haruko flew a birdie to the staircase they fell off of, and spurted out some cuss words that not even Hitler would've used.

"I bet you anything that Hal controls the walls and the staircases," gagged Flower. "And he probably has control over Peeves too."

"Ugh... Peeves..." the girls both shuddered at the sound of his name, and quickly shook it off trying not to think of it.

Peeves reminded the girls of Puck from Midnight Summers Dream. Only instead of a witty narrator, they had an obnoxious translucent son-of-a-bitch who absolutely loved torturing students. When you were late for class, Peeves would stop you in a Hallway, dump table scraps on your head, followed by a large jug of tar, and topped it off with feathers. He then yelled, "WITCH! BURN 'EM AT THE STAKE!" and everyone in the nearby classes came out and laughed at you.

Even worse than Peeves was the school's Security whore, Anarkee Filth. Filth dressed in not robes, but a polyester Superman suit. He "flew" around school in the suit, which was notably about 5x his size, with his animal sidekick, Meester Borris, and called himself...... Securo.

Meester Borris was a large overgrown cat who came from Russia with love, and all students felt compelled to push Meester Borris into a hot boiling melting cauldron of lava and let him DIE DIE DIE for he was DOOMED DOOMED DOOMED! But, they feared getting Detention from Filth - erm, my bad - "Securo" - for the entire seven years at Hogwarts.

Meester Borris flat out wasn't worth it.

As Flower got to each of her classes after a long period of tricky doors, moving staircases, and unfriendly disappearing walls, she sat down in her classes and took out a small diary, and wrote about each of her classes to her friend, the diary.

Sept. 1st, 1941
Time: 8 am
Class: Potions
Teacher: Shrivel Dear Diary,
Professor Shrivel is really weird. Potions isn't very enjoyable either. We have it with the Gryffindors. Today we opened up our textbooks and took some notes on various potion ingredients. I also gathered up the courage to raise my hand and ask where his rubber ducky turban-ish thing came from. He said it was from a beautiful maiden from the city of Atlantis, and he was given it for saving Atlantis from a psycho-general and a big bad volcano.... Professor Shrivel needs some Freudian help, badly. Sept. 1st, 1941
Time: 10 am
Class: History of Magic
Teacher: Binns Dear Diary,
This class is boring as hell. Get me the fuck out of here before I go on a blitzkrieg spree. Sept. 1st, 1941
Time: 1 pm
Class: Def. Ag. Drk. Arts
Teacher: Wolfenstein Dear Diary,
Defense Against Dark Arts is very funky. Professor Wolfenstein is also really cool. He gave me 10 points just for saying Hi to him. He really likes me. That's good. I also think Wolfenstein's cute. Kinda badass Stephen Wolf cute. Haruko and I listed in his name on the Hot Guy Talley, and put a small + under his name. We happy. Sept. 2nd, 1941
Time: 8 am
Class: Transfiguration
Teacher: Dumbledore Dear Diary,
Tom was here as an aide today. He'll be here every week I guess. Dumbledore gave us lots of lectures, then he had us take notes. Notes sucked. Ugh. Damn notes. Drew little hearts around Tom's name in this diary. Damn hope he doesn't get a hold of it. Irk! We were just given matches and told to turn them into needles. Lordy. Tom snapped at Haruko and I when our matches broke. He repaired them with Reparo and changed them into Needles himself. When Dumbledore came around to check on us, he gave Haruko and I 5 points each for a job well done.

Point of the story? For a bastard, Tom sure comes in handy.

Haruko even gave him a few more talley's. Sept. 2nd, 1941
Time: 10 am
Class: Charms
Teacher: Carroll Dear Diary,
Ms. Carroll wears a blue dress and carries a butchers knife. She also wears big, scary, black boots.

Kick the llama's ass!

Ms. Carroll rocks! She's sooooo cool! And made Charms soooooooo simple! We've been doing odd little hand gestures for a spell called Wingardium Leviosa. Tomiekins wasn't an aide in this class, but he will be on Thursday. Yeaaaa! Sept. 2nd, 1941
Time: 1 PM
Class: Magical Fine Arts
Teacher: Nichichi Dear Diary,
Professor Nichichi is very, very weird. He plays bongo's, and wears all black robes. He told us we'll be making pretty pictures and music and things in here. Sounds relatively sane as compared to our other subjects. Sept. 4th, 1941
Time: Midnight
Class: Astronomy
Teacher: Celes Chere Dear Diary,
Ms. Chere is like, cool. She told us all to call her Celes, and that we'll be studying the stars and planets and stuff. She gave us all plantery charts that moved when the planets did, provided we filled in the right information, and we copied down some things about how Men aren't from from Mars, Women aren't from Venus, and that we're all from Earth, so just deal with it.

We also looked at Uranus.

After Lunch on Thursday, Flower got her first Free period. Magical Fine Arts was only once a week, so she and Haruko went down to the Slytherin common room, where Haruko introduced her to Dungeons and Drag-ons, the Wizard version of a Muggle role-playing game.

Haruko chose to be a Paladin, and Flower was a Lancer. They battled there away across the Evil Lord Garfunkle's Land of ye olde de Grande Terror. Tom came into the dorm, and headed up to his dorm. They stared at him awkwardly.

"He goes up to the dorm every night," said a fellow 4th year, "and does nothing but read books and do homework. He comes out for dinner...."

"Occasionally," added in Georgia Weasley.

"And he always is petting that snake of his," said another 5th year. "And stroking it lovingly and calling it his precious... and staring at it psychotically."

"He also mentions stuff about Chambers," said Frieda Weasley. "And Bill the Prit-tee Prancin' Pony."

Flower and Haruko shrugged, and went back to their game.

Come Friday, the girls prepared themselves for the Double Herbology lessons with the Hufflepuff's. They were in for a nuclear winter.

Friday morning, Headhuntress got a letter from Ruby to deliver. It said:

"Dear Flower,
Come tell about your week in school! I live Elephant home on the outskirts near the Forbidden Forest! Come visit me and we can have some te~ea this afternooon! Pleeeease?"

Flower quickly replied "Yes" and went off to the Herbology Lesson in the Greenhouses.

When she arrived, she saw the Greenhouse reeked of an odd smokey smell. It was set up like a science room with about eight tables and four chairs seated around each. The Hufflepuff's sat on one side, the Slytherin's on the other.

Flower saw Focker Malfoy sit with Fuuji, Raiji, and this guy who had the face of a poodle named Penzer Perkins, while Flower sat with Haruko, Sears Finfin, and Orville Wright.

Professor Snoop came in rapping to some song that went, "I got ho's in different area codes" of which Flower thought was a totally weird song.

"YOYOYOY!" yelled Snoop. "I iz your Pro-fes-suh for the ne-uxt sev-ven yeh-ahs! Aight? AIGHT!?"

"Aight," the class repeated uncertainly.

"Oh lookity 'ere, it's Flowa Potta," he said bossily folding his arms into his sleeves. "Our new tight ho, yo?"

Flower stared. "Uhm.... yea..." she said.

"So like, what do yous gets when yous infuses yours im-moan-ya wit' to-back-co?"

"Uhhh...." Flower blinked. "I dunno."

"Oh wuzzat?" he bellowed. "Ka-leer-al-lee, you ain't down wit' it, gurl!!!"

They all got out parchment and began taking notes. It didn't go that well afterwards either. Snoop had them pair up and take care of small little plants for a bit. Orville Wright and Sears Finfin paired up, while Haruko and Flower paired up. Orville and Sears's plant suddenly burst out into flames, and everyone screamed.

"Yoyo! Homie G's!" Snoop said at Flower and Haruko. "Why the helliz did you not represent, yo?"

"Huh?" the girls replied.

"Why did you not tell them what to do and what not ta do?" he asked. "Jebus! That'll be fa-ive points from Sa-lith-thur-rin for yo sear-ree-us lack 'o re-pon-sib-bil-lit-tay!"

Flower was about to complain, but Haruko hit her on the leg and gave her a "don't go there girlfriend" look, so Flower didn't bother.

After washing off in the dorms from their Herbology exploits, the girls went to lunch in the great hall. They saw Tom there studying up for an Aurorism test, while eating spaghetti and meat balls, Cornish Pixie Pasteries, Cauldron Cakes, Pumpkin Pasteries, sweet yams doused in brown sugar, and a Teriyaki steak from the Cheesecake Factory.

"Brain food?" Haruko and Flower asked him in unison.

"I'm 25 pounds underweight for the average weight of boys my age," he drinking from a goblet filled of Riptide Rush Gatorade.

Flower and Haruko looked absolutely astonished.

"How much do you weigh?" asked Flower.

"Oh, say, 120 pounds," he replied. "Give or take a few."

After lunch, Flower and Haruko skipped happily out the door on their way to Ruby's House with a Pic-a-nic Basket of desserts from lunch. Along the way, a wolf stopped them, but Flower and Haruko were both experienced in Fairy Taleism, and beat the wolf into a bloody pulp, and forced it to run off crying into the Forbidden Forest.

When they reached Ruby's Elephant shaped home, they climbed up the ladder, and entered her odd little house. Ruby and her pet Parakee, "Uncle Tucan," were sitting at the table.

"HAL-LOOOO!" yelled Ruby as they entered and hugged the two girls mindlessly.

"This is Haruko," said Flower in a muffled voice under Ruby's bear hug.

"Er, hi?" Haruko replied uncertainly.

"Oooh! You must be another Weasley girl!" said Ruby. "I've spent about 99% of my career here chasing your twin sisters and that attractive Tom Riddle from the Forbidden Forest."

"UGH!" Haruko screamed. "TOM THIS TOM THAT! DOES EVERYONE HERE THINK HE'S THE CLOSEST THING TO GOD OR SOMETHING!?"

"Well, he's attractive, young, still a virgin, smart-" began Ruby in a flirtatious voice.

"Don't, even, finish," Haruko snapped.

"So, how were your classes?" asked Ruby.

"Well, IN EVERY SINGLE CLASS WE WENT TO EXCEPT HERBOLOGY THE TEACHER SPENT ABOUT 50% OF THE CLASS PERIOD TALKING ABOUT HOW GREAT TOM WAS AND HOW EVERYONE SHOULD BE LIKE HIM!" screamed Haruko. She pounded her fist on the table and screamed "NEIN!"

Ruby and Flower exchanged quick glances and backed off. Ruby quickly tried to pacify the situation pointing out that Tom wasn't good at everything, but immediately shut up when asked "what subjects?"

Ruby then asked her how Haruko's older sister Charli was doing, "she was wonderful with the purdee little an-nee-maaaals!"

As Haruko told Ruby about Charli's work with Pokemon in Japan, Flower took interest in a small piece of parchment laying on the ground of Ruby's home. It was a clipping from the Wizard newspaper (London syndicate too), The Daily Wiz. It was about a bank robbery that occurred on... Flower's Birthday! June 26th!

RUN FOR THE HILLS! GRINGOTTS WAS ROBBED!

By Reporter Rikku Skanker

London, England - After a weird ass array of events, and a few mocha shots, a robbery has happened at Gringotts, the Wizarding Bank! The robbery is wieldly believed to be an act of a Wizard University Fraternity pledges.

What was in the vault robbed, Vault #666, is currently unknown, nor will the god damned hook-nosed bastards of Bank Keeping Goblins tell us what was in it! They insist the vault had been emptied earlier that day, and that was all we need to know before they came and ripped out heads off and ate our children for being nosey know-it-all's.

"Ruby!" exclaimed Flower. "Vault 666, you took something from there on the 26th, didn't you?"

Ruby blushed redder than Haruko's hair and redder than her namesake crystal. She muttered a few cuss words and offered the girls a candy crystal.

After a few more minutes of visiting, Flower pocketed some candy crystals, and she left the Elephant home with Haruko and went up to the Slytherin dorm. Not wondering if the break-in might have something to do with Dark Wizards like Grindelwald, but if the Fraternity pledges had gotten accepted to their Fraternities for the odd task.